Grateful

As I lay in bed reading “Where is God” and trying to compartmentalize how I will get everything that I need to done I cannot help but think how little time we have left here. My room is so cozy, so mine, so exactly how I want it, and in less than two weeks I will have to pack it all up and leave, not just this room, this house, this community, but this entire country. And those words hurt my heart more than I ever thought they would, they dig deep, bring tears to my eyes and make me want to curl up and avoid reality for as long as I can.

Sister Peggy said it, and my mom, so motherly repeated it, “You just have to be grateful for this experience”… despite the slight defense that comes o (I am grateful but that wont make me miss them less) I get it. And I am incredibly grateful. And last week was Thanksgiving. And I have so much I need to say, and only can think of how little time I have left to say it.

My family came to El Salvador. Mom, Jesse and Kylie. They came to praxis, we went to the volcano, the UCA, the Cathedral, Romero dinner and other fun stuff in between. We had wonderful conversations, about poverty in El Salvador, about healing and about wedding plans.

I cant believe they were here and now they are gone. I am so incredibly grateful they were able to come, to see this world, this family, this me that has come out of all this. And I guess when I think about it that’s really the most important. Jesse and Kylie got it, they dove right in and listened and watched and questioned. And mom was here, the first time ever with a passport, opening her eyes a little wider, loving on me, and doing her best to understand. Right now it doesn’t seem life shattering but I think when I look back on this experience and the fact that they were able to come I will jump for joy.

The most special moment was Tuesday night at Spirituality Night. At first I sat next to Jesse and Kylie worrying that it would be akward.. that maybe we should have skipped this. We read a poem about gratitude, had some time to think and write and then could share if we wanted. I really didn’t know what to expect and all three of them left me with tears streaming down my face. Tears do not fall from my eyes open in public, when I went to Santa Clara it was like my tear ducts were dried up and fully equipped to keep it all deep inside. Even with all the healing and honesty that has happened here I just don’t cry a lot. I cried the most Ive cried in a reflection here after each of them shared. They all talked about being here with me, family, and Jesse said “to see the love and growth that is in you” and I buried my head in my knees and cried.

I wrote love in the center of my leaf of gratitude and I wasn’t even sure why. But as I watched my mom, my brother and my soon to be sister in law express their gratitude for me, each other and this life, I realized that love really is the base of it all, the base of continuing, the base of happiness. I cannot say that the past twenty years have been easy, there were hard and painful times, sometimes it seemed like there was nothing else to do other than survive, I was angry, sad, hurt and so many things. But since forever I was full to the brim with love, a love that left me hanging on in the pain and confusion, that allowed me to trust that things would turn out ok, that let there be sunshine at the end of the rainstorm.

A love that got me here to this place where I have learned even more about love. I have plenty of days left and I want to be right here in every moment of those days left. For my praxis project I did a video about Christopher, the 3 year old who has taught me so much about love. From the community that has allowed me to feel and in turn to heal.

My heart is full of emotions that I don’t quite know how to organize, ones Im not sure if I should feel or not feel, one so much that I need time to process. For now though I am so incredibly thankful my family was able to come visit me, to see this world, the whitness the chaos of this house, the beauty of that itty bitty Canton that has broke open my heart, and hopefully to get a glimpse of something that has built inside me in the last 3 and a half months.

I am grateful for the love, support, life I have found here. And more than anything I am grateful that its not over yet.

Day 3: accepting not understanding and living in love

Buenos Dias world.

Its been a while… we have been running non stop here and in the midst of it it felt like nothing big was really happening but it has been such a special two weeks.

My heart is so deeply rooted in this place and as I have told my family at Cedro, “quiero quedar aqui por el resto de mi vida”… I wanna stay here forever. 

The last two weeks have been crazy busy but have been full of celebration, love, time with the becarios and trying to find a place for the suffering of the rain and the weeks before vacation inside my head and heart.

This country knows how to celebrate and it is such a beautiful thing.

Wednesday after vacation was Dia de los Disfuntos and at first we thought we would have to take the day of praxis. Schools are closed, people don’t have to work and everyone goes with their family to visit the loved ones that have passed away. Then Santos, the main woman at the Comedor who is like a wonderful mother to us, invited us to join her family, such a special invitation. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. On the way to the cemetery the roads were packed with vendors selling flowers, paint, food and all sorts of decorations. We walked into the cemetery and I had never seen any thing like it. The whole cemetery was overflowing with people, loud and a little chaotic but such a special celebration. It was so different than anything I have ever seen at home but so amazing. Death is painful and somber but it is also celebrated, life is celebrated and loud and bright and talked about. It was such a special thing to be a part of and just another reminder of how well in touch this country with the juxtaposition of suffering and beauty, pain and celebration… the truth that makes up life that we so often hide from at home.

Saturday night we celebrated Suzy (one of the becario’s) graduation. Heidi and Grace’s house was lit by Christmas lights and candles and filled with us, becarios and family and friends. We ate and people said a few words to Suzy, congratulating her and explaining to the rest of us how special she is and we finished the night dancing, a million times more comfortable then we were dancing at our welcome party two and a half months ago. I didn’t even really know Suzy before and almost didn’t go but spent the night feeling so connected and part of such a wonderfully special family that we have created here. It was such an important celebration and such a huge success for Suzy and for the whole becario family. Going to university is not an automatic obvious next step here and graduating is even more special. Something that means a lot of hard work, sacrifice and commitment that the becarios show us everyday.  We came home and sat together wishing we never had to go home, this place is special in ways that I cant even describe but can feel in my veins day after day.

Sunday we got up early to go visit Rigo’s house. One of the two becarios that live with us. We were tired and a little resistant to another long day but it turned out to be so special. We met his family, saw his home and drove up to the coffee factory that he worked at some before coming to the capital to study. We were riding in the back of a pick up truck overlooking the beautiful green mountainous landscape that is El Salvador and I was just amazed by this life. A feeling that keeps coming back to me this last couple weeks. How on earth am I in El Salvador with a group of people that has become family, speaking Spanish and seeing the reality of people that are so close to me and have come from lives that in some ways are so different than mine.

We just read Holy the Firm for Praxis, a book by Annie Dillard that at first I whined to Quentin about not understanding but now cant not stop thinking about it. The book is short and sweet and describes three days which she considers Gods. Each day is her journey of understanding this world. First she is young, maybe slightly naïve and just breath taken by the beauty of this world. The second day she starts to question everything, things whatever higher power there is is nothing but a power loving flame that has no interest in the well being of the people and on the third day she starts to see the world a little differently, from a place of a little more balance and wholeness. I think life is a continous back and forth of seeing life through all these views and in this experience it has been so relevant. When I stood on the back of that pick up truck I was in day one, so incredibly taken by this life in all its beauty and the ability of humans to be connected by love despite the layers and layers of differences.

Yesterday was the Vigil for the six jesuits that were killed in 1989. A huge blow to the faith, hope and struggle of this country for justice and equality during the brutal civil war. The people of this country are so greatly effected and deeply pained by this loss it is something that will stay with them for as long as they live, and hopefully will continue to inspire generations behind them who have only heard the stories. We knew it would be a big day but I had no idea how amazing it would be. It started with a soccer tournament that I secretly hoped would end after one lost game so I could spend the day exploring the other fun stuff that was happening. We ended up winning two games and both of our own Casa women’s teams played against each other for the championship. My team lost in the last two minutes but it was a total blast. Jesse and Kylie came in during their layover and it was so incredibly wonderful to see them and show them a little ounce of this world, ths family that I have created here. We went home tired, excited and ready for a nap before we headed back for the night.

It seemed a little scrambled at first but already I was feeling an amazement of being in El Salvador and part of something so important and special. We lit candles and walked in a huge circle around the UCA campus ending by walking over the salt rugs or alfombras that had different groups spent hours working on during the day. There were thousands of people there, from all over the world but all there to celebrate the lives of the martyrs and to hold onto their strength and motivation, to become some part of that and to continue to fight for something better. After the candle light vigil was a mass on a huge stage with thousands of people sitting and standing in the parking lot to listen. The rector of the UCA talked rawly about the reality of this country, violence, poverty, vulnerability and pain. And then about our responsibility to continue to work for equality and peace. To fight for the rights of the poor, to create a civilization of something other than capitalism and to live in love. I stood between Maddie and Diana, women who have been so important in my growth since joining SCCAP last year and was overcome with a  feeling I cant quite describe. It was a day three experience. We were talking freely about the true pain and suffering that exists in this country. Something that we so often avoid at home. As Annie Dillard explains suffering is so much apart of this life and we cannot resist it by constantly needing to understand why. She calls it God, I call it the Universe, and there is a million other names, but there is something bigger out there, something that we will never be able to understand, so all we can do is live in love as one human race continue to work together to better the struggles that are faced world wide. Last night I felt that, a huge group of people together facing the reality of this life but commiting themselves to working for change through love, in whatever words they define that for themselves. “Love is a reason to exist” says the song on my computer right now… that’s what Im learning about here. Love in a way that I had never understood it before. Love that radiates all the way through you and moves you to work for change and with others as one cause as Dillard explains in Holy the Firm, “we are just us” and that is enough to keep on walking together.

The first part of this experience was a lot of day one. Amazement at this country, its joyfulness, welcoming spirit and faith. Excitement of all the new and exciting. Then slowly we started to truly understand the reality and the rain was the icing on the cake. Things didn’t make any sense. My heart beat a million miles an hour at community night as I tried to find words for the despair and confusion that was dictating my being. Frustration, anger and sadness was all I could find in trying to understand why the people I had fallen in love with were suffering so greatly from something that is worldwide…rain. In the meantime I couldn’t understand my own pain and suffering, I couldn’t understand how I would ever stop processing and find peace. I all out felt out of control. The last couple weeks has been a little bit numb trying to figure out how to make that all in to one. And no I don’t have it all figured out but I think it is a matter of coming to Day Three. Of accepting the fact that I will never have it all figured out and will forever be on this journey, that there is suffering and pain but that it is so beautifully contrasted by love and faith. And that if we can continue to truly understanding that suffering, that love and each other we can make a little bit of difference, even if for now its only in my heart. Eventually it will come into something more.

I feel so rooted, comfortable and happy here. This family is amazing and I cannot even wrap my mind around how fortunate I am to be here. I am learning and growing so much. Feeling so much love. And I never want to let go. Lately we cant help but acknowledge the fact that this program is going to end and we are going to have to go home. And that might be the hardest part about this all. But as I told Maddie, its sort of a challenge, you had this amazing experience, but now what are you going to do with it? But it’s a scary scary challenge, this place has permeated my heart and soul and I love it with all that I can understand… and somehow I gotta take it home with me. But we have a month left and every moment is so full and amazing and wonderful. So Im gonna keep holding on, reveling in the amaziness of this experience and letting myself continue to grow and learn. Cause even when I think its stagnant so much is happening inside me.

My mommy will be here soon and Jes and Kylie will be back. Im so excited to show them this life. And I am so incredibly grateful for the time I have here. And to the love I have at home that will always be there to make these transitions possible…

Sorry for the novel.. I try to be more frequent so they aren’t so long. XOXOXO