Be Here Now

Those words jog all sorts of emotions and memories. Song lyrics, Juans voice during meditations, words above Margots bed and reminder upon reminder. Whoa

This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.

Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.

So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.

As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops.  I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.

Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.

Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.

I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.

Gratitude

I keep coming back here to write a post about the end and the transition back. And for some reason the words just aren't coming.

I cant belive a week ago I was spending my last day in Oviedo. The end was perfect. Somehow it seems like the end is always perfect. We spent three days at the girls school in the jungle in Embaracayu. Our mornings were spent in the campo with the girls and our afternoons relaxing and enjoying the scenery. It was so so wonderful. Wonderful to really get to interact with the girls- we worked in the garden with them, chatted while we de-kerneled corn, laughed so hard canoing and swimming in the river, played soccer and learned some new dance moves from them. They were wonderful and part of me wished I could have spent my whole summer there. Being with them was just so much more natural and inspiring to me than sitting in the office, but I also know that being in the office and working with the microfinance was a new challenge that I so needed. I ran along the silent dirt roads and found little colonies of butterflies, danced to my music cause there was no one for miles, soaked in the stars and laid in the hammock and read. It was wonderful.

Then I came back to Oviedo and had three perfect last days with my family. I felt so so comfortable with them by the end and we all shed some tears when we had to say goodbye. We had a race doing laundry, made two more batches of coffee cakes (they loved those things) and had a special last dinner. I went to the pelequiera with the girls and we just really enjoyed our time together. I went for one last run and as I stopped to take in the beauty of the wide open spaces tears fell from my eyes, tears like the ones that fell the first weekend there but this time out of gratitude and love for this family and country instead of loneliness and fear. It felt like home after 5 short weeks and although I was excited to get back here, it was hard to say goodbye.  I couldn't have asked for a better last week... and as soon as I sit still and think about the funny little life I created there I miss it a whole lot. I still have some processing to do, my time in Paraguay was something so different than I expected it to be. The internship was not what I had hoped for but the growth that happened trying to make sense of it all is something I am incredibly grateful for and that family who loved me like their own was the biggest gift of all.

I came back to a lot of love and life. To a new house. Hot weather. Some things changing and some just how I left them. Our new house is wonderful, spacious and full of light. And summertime here is a fun thing to be a part of. Everyone keeps asking how the transition has been, and honestly part of me feels like I never left. This time was so so different than my time in El Salvador and the reverse culture shock just hasn't really hit me. I keep wondering if its going to sneak up on me out of no where or if I really am gonna get by without it. Its been interesting to find my place back here again. The last year at Santa Clara was such a bizarre year and so very challenging. I'm excited to have the whole year here to really settle in. I feel like I only had three months here last year because the first three back were spent just trying to keep my head above water. I know my soul better than I did when I left for Paraguay and when I feel any sort of funk from things changing and being out of a familiar routine I think back to those first couple nights in Paraguay when I really had to learn to comfort myself. I know what my soul needs. I know that getting up and going for a run and soaking up the rose gardens, swimming, journaling, calling the people I love really help me to feel like all is right in the world. And I am so thankful that I have slowly gotten to know those parts of myself and that even when things don't feel quite right, or quite like home I have some tricks up my sleeve to feed my spirit. Maybe thats why the transition is easier.

I have the most amazing friends in the world and am so thankful to come home to Hayley in my room for pillow talk about everything under the sun from relationships to friends to life after college to work in developing countries. And Cara to lay in bed with and feel all my emotions. I am going to see Margot in two days and I could not be more excited. It has been so long since we have been together and some big changes have happened in our hearts since then. I get home in two weeks and then go to Michigan with my daddio for four days. My life is really good. I am surrounded by so many people that I love and just have so much to look forward to. I cant believe I was in Paraguay for 6 weeks and am back already. Life just keeps moving with all the ebb and flow and up and down. 6 weeks ago Keith told me my sea legs were well developed... and today I feel like that is the most true its ever been. In the midst of all the waves I feel grounded in me and I am just so grateful for that. More processing to come about my time in that funny little office. But for now.. I am just relishing in the gratitude. <3 br="br">

Alive

"You are so alive" said Clarita "How did you know?" I asked while my brain caught up thinking "oh thats what this feeling is...this feeling of soaking up every ounce of beauty, wanting to call everyone I love and tell them just how much they mean to me, feeling connected to humanity and just excited for this life" Clarita would know... she watched me come alive.. and saw me the most alive Id ever been in Cedro. She's seen me at my highest and lowest and she just knows... so thanks for the words mujer.

This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.

Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel.  The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us. 

I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.

I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there...  sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.

Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.

I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">