"You will never be completely at home again

.. Because a part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place."

The night before graduation last year I cried my eyes out to Zach and Margot.. Sad to leave Santa Clara, nervous about going to El Salvador and telling them how many places I wanted to be... In Colorado with Elyse, Zach and Sawyer, California with Coop, Margot's car with her, India with Lauren, El Salvador, the list went on to all the places people I love would be. This quote feels like the perfect explanation of that moment and so many years of wanting to be in more than one place. Sometimes it feels like F.O.M.O (fear of missing out) but really it is that.. The richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place.

Since I found this quote I have been thinking about it a lot. I miss El Salvador every single day.. And this past year that really did become home. In a crazy and beautiful way a life that is so far from this one and brings me to life in so many ways became home and I absolutely loved it. Leaving was so hard and I don't think ill ever fully understand how to integrate the different worlds. But there is also something beautiful about being able to find home wherever I am.

Last week we went home to Colorado for a family reunion with the Maddex clan and I stayed for a week with my mom, my mountains and my best friends- the place that no matter where I am in my life will always be home. It was SUCH a great trip. The family reunion was an absolute ball- and special for me that it was in Leadville and the time outside, mountain train ride, nightly campfires, frisbee golf and visit to Eric's was really special home time for me. But it also felt like home to be with my family- many who I haven't seen for 8 years. But had a care and interest in me and what matters to me that let me feel at home. I got to talk about El Salvador, play with the next generation of cousins and dance the funny dance between little cousin and woman with my older cousins. And it was fantastic. 

My mama has to move out of Leadville. And once all the family had left I spent some days soaking in time in Leadville, long runs at the lake, going through my room, dinners with mom and some tears about the idea of leaving our house.. The longest physical space I have known as home. As I cried we talked about all the good and the bad we've been through in that house- and I think leaving the space is a weird symbol of moving on and letting go- of some thing's that it's time to let go of and others we don't ever want to let go of. And when it feels scary to leave Leadville I just have to remember that it's the people, the memories, the mountains that make that home- just as much as our house. My time with Elyse and Zachy reminded me of that- how home it is to be with them. And dreaming of Zachys future wondering how you meet a group of friends like ours I told him I've found those friends in so many places- and for that I am so so grateful.

Sometimes having my heart spread all over the country and world feels a little hard. I am always missing someone, always have a list of people I need to call and always wanting to jump around the world to visit all the people my heart holds so dear. But really it is such a gift. And has made for such a richness of living, learning, growing and feeling crazy amounts of support.

While I was home I started dreaming of living in Colorado. I want to be close to Sawyer as he grows up, help my mom move and be able to live the day to day with Zach and Elyse like we always have. Crazy thoughts were happening- maybe I should just go to school at CSU and not go to Boston right now. Sometimes moving across the country, starting a whole new home and falling in love with new people sounds terrifying. 

Then I got on the plane and started reading my journal from El Salvador- and I did the same thing at the end of my time there. Dreaming of ways to stay. But I also read about all the reasons I am going to Boston next year, the parts of me that are still becoming that I think my time in Boston will really nourish. And while all the people, love and homes I have in my life fill me so full- there is a becoming me and process of finding that home in me that I am still working on. And falling in love with more people and places can never be a bad thing, especially cause we are lucky enough to live in a world where we can keep in touch across long distances. And I am privileged enough that I can make those visits- and I think I've gotten preety good at long distance friendships. And I can still dream of all the homes I might want to end up in in three years- Colorado, The Bay, El Salvador.. My heart will find the way. 

I came back to the bay and felt a joy of coming home to here too, walks with Coop, Jes and Kylie and the things about here that have become home. It's preety amazing how hearts can adapt so easily and amazing to know that wherever I am can always feel like home. And someday I will choose where I want to call home more permanently. For now I am endlessly grateful for the homes and friendships that have nourished my heart. 

Exactly Where I Need to Be

I've been home for a month now. I cant even believe it. Everyday I miss El Salvador.. and everyday I feel oh so grateful to be here and like I am exactly where I need to be. I just came in from sitting on the porch with a mellow Cooper taking in the world- those moments are so special and I get to soak up so many of them. When I was deciding if I should stay in El Salvador or come here the Salvadoran's commitment to their family was a huge part in deciding to be here. Ever since graduating high school I have gone on tons of adventures, taken big risks, gone new places and done really amazing things for myself..and it felt like it was time to do something for my family. As adults Jesse and I get to create our family and make it what we want- and having this summer with them is such a perfect way to start that closeness and I really love being here.. for so many reasons...

1. Soaking up such special time with Coop: walks into town, afternoons playing in the yard, slow mornings, watching him learn to roll and bounce and babble, getting lots of smiles and figuring him out. This guy has completely stolen my heart and leaving in August is gonna be hard. But I am just so grateful to have this special time with him.. and know that for the rest of his life this time together is gonna matter.

2. Seeing Jes and Kylie as such amazing parents. I love watching them love him. Talking through whats amazing and hard about parenting. Laughing with them and just living the day to day with them. Learning from them about what it means to have a healthy, happy and stable home and realtionship. And feeling myself get closer and closer with them- such a gift. Last night we watched Parenthood (best tv show ever) and all cried... and how special to have those moments.

3. Everything about the Bay. I am quickly falling back in love with these place.. and dreaming of coming back here after my quick East Coast stint. Jes and Kylie moved to Mill Valley (just North of the Golden Gate) a year ago to be closer to open space. And it really is the best of both worlds. So easy to go for runs, hikes, take a ferry across the bay, get to wine country and get into the city. My week days are quiet, suburb life with evening runs to the beach or through the sycamore trees into town and I can easily pop into the city for dinner or fun weekend play.

4. San Francisco... Sunday we went to Pride...and it was amazing. It is fun and crazy and silly but it is also so meaningful and profound to live in a city that is so radically accepting and loving, and hopefully teaching something to the rest of the world. So many companies, church's, different ethnic groups and people you wouldn't expect to be supportive walked in the parade. And we sat on the side with so many people full of joy cheering them on, cheering on acceptance, and love that can not be right or wrong or labeled. As we watched I told Farwell.. this city gives me hope. So often being back in the states after El Salvador I feel frustrated with what matters to us, the way we get lost in money and image and our selves. The amount that so many have while others here and across the globe have so much less. But as I soaked up the energy of Pride I felt incredibly grateful to live in this country- where we are making progress to understanding that all love is equal and that it is NOT OK to tell people who they can and cannot love. Cheers to you San Francisco.. you are amazing.

5. Moments of meeting beautiful souls from Central America and getting a chance to speak to them in Spanish, ask where they are from, connect with them in their language and hear a little bit of their story. At library story time I don't find myself chatting with the other moms but instead with the Latina nannies, women who came to the states years ago and have been taking care of different families ever since- yet may never see their own families again. Our housekeeper who told me she tries to always speak to her kids in Spanish cause she doesn't want them to loose that connection. Or the guy in the market from Guatemala who lives a life so different than the one he left behind. Speaking spanish is such a beautiful thing and I love the way it breaks down barriers. My heart is so connected to the suffering of the people who risk their lives to come to the states and I feel fired up and frustrated and heart broken about immigration policy and deportation and all thats in the news. But the chance to share a bit of my story and hear their's and connect in someone else's language fills me with the love, hope and motivation that I found in El Salvador to fight for something different.

6. Friends in the bay and weekends full of fun. I am SO grateful to be near Sam, Nate, Cara, Danielle, the Casa crew in the bay and so many others. I have missed my friends so much and love that I can pop into the city for dinner or they can come over for hikes, hot tubs and suburban calm. It's really special to have this time here with them and they make quiet weekdays with Coop less lonely.

7. Remembering what it means to have alone time, do things solely for me and listen to what my heart needs. This past year was so much about other people and exactly what I wanted it to be. But by the end I think I forgot what it meant just to be with myself. Towards the end I felt a little claustrophobic with a small group and small space and everything felt externally motivated. And while my extrovert heart craves that sometimes, I think it is so good to have the space and time just for me. To get back in touch with my heart, to do what I need and learn what I need before going into three years of busy, full days again. 


There is so much more- being able to pick up my phone and call anytime, sunny days and foggy days. The moments that my heart hurts so deeply for El Salvador and being able to snuggle with Coop, move slowly, call people who know my heart and just take care of myself. Reaching out to new spaces of support because I know thats what I need. So much. Last night I read a million notes from the staff and Salvadoran students that they gave me before we left. I miss them deeply and struggle again and again to understand how to hold that time and family close while not being paralyzed by missing it. But everyday I am figuring it out. And everyday I feel held and supported by this place and the people nearby. The world is good. Thank you thank you thank you.