Dearest Kamryn

I'm reading a book called Becoming Woman that was recommended by my very favorite professor this past year. It's a little outdated and painfully heteronormative but it talks about the different stages of a woman's life and the experience of self identity that come with each- especially in the midst of all the messages given to us by the world to be some specific idea of what is woman. These past two years have been really important in understanding myself as a woman- my role as a woman in this world and all the things I have been taught about who I should be. Constructs that often contrasts with who I can be and who I want to be. Starting in El Salvador with Trena's support and example and also being so entrenched in the Salvadoran experience of being woman my desire to be Michelle- to embrace my womanhood and not be limited by it- to understand it and to use that to empower other women really flourished. Then I went to Theology school... Where I experienced the incredible frustration and challenge of being a woman in the Catholic Church. Where from our traditions story of day one women have been devalued- less than men, expected to serve them, bear children and continue to be dehumanized and not celebrated or seen for who they are. Yet at the same time I was surrounded by the most empowering community of women- acknowledging the messages we have been given and giving them a strong, united "no thank you" (or lots of other choice words). I had female professors that found ways to bring intellect and experience  together to defy these messages and to empower us to do the same. And experienced my fair share of holy anger.


 At the end of the year I feel more in touch with myself as a woman than I ever have before- in so many ways. Owning who I am. Owning the b.s society has fed me and continuing to learn how to be exactly who I am. My mom did wonders in forming me as a woman that I continue to see manifest everyday as I come more fully into myself. She always taught me to express my opinions, she let me run naked in the yard and took me hiking and helped me understand the value of my body as part of me and the location of such joy and fullness of existence. She told me I could be whatever I wanted to be- taught me to be strong and independent and reach for the stars.. And never to submit to some idea of being less than. That said I have my fair share of baggage as we all do- that I will probably be making sense of for the rest of my life- but am so grateful for the consciousness to start and a community that is with me in it.
This past month seeing Mindy as a mom, being with seven year old Kamryn and Linden and Leighton in their first month as women on this earth I have thought a lot about what it means to become a woman- especially in the early stages. I have admired so much of what Mindy is teaching Kamryn (and has taught me over the years) and dreamed of how I will raise my daughters hoping I get that opportunity someday. I dream a lot of being a mom- I have for as long as remember- and really want to do the very best job at it I possibly can. I'm in no rush though and sometimes worry I'll forget the nuggets of wisdom I'm gaining along the way. So... This is for Kamryn- and for me to pass on someday to my own daughter.

Dearest Kamryn,
Being with you this past month has been the greatest joy. Watching you grow since I first held you in the hospital almost eight years ago has been so much fun- and it seems like I just keep coming to love you more and more. You have become such an incredible little girl. You are so caring, kind, thoughtful- you listen so well and are so so helpful all the time. I absolutely love your giggle and cannot help but laughing myself when you loose yourself in giggles like when I'm air tickling you. I love your freedom and joy- watching you dance around the room, sing your heart out, play and use your imagination. Hold onto that. Your silliness is so so special and I hope you can continue to be the wacky kid you are as you grow up and start noticing what people think more. You are such a unique, wonderful, out of this world person and I hope you never ever forget that. You are full of life and love that radiates from you every moment.

Sometimes being a girl and becoming a woman can be hard. I hope that when it gets confusing you know you have so many people to support you. Your mom has been a huge support for me since I was a little girl and is the best to talk to when life seems too hard. She just gets it.. And will be so honest with you even while trying to protect you. The relationship you have with her is so special and will continue to be. Lean on her- let her in- laugh with her. Let her be your mom and your best friend for the rest of your life- you got so so lucky to have her. Know I am here too always always. And will talk to you about anything without making you feel embarrassed. There is so much to make sense of and sometimes you need a few different people to help you do that. I can't wait til you are ready to come visit me on your own- my time with your mom was my very favorite- I hope I can be that for you.

I hope as you grow up you always know how beautiful you are too. You need to know you are a dazzling incredible little girl and will be as a young woman too. And you are SO much more than simply beautiful. Your mom is so good at teaching you this. You are all of the things you are inside- smart, fun, loving, creative, joyful, respectful, strong- so so many things. I hope you always know how special and important your body is. It is the most incredible home that you will have forever. It will change and you won't always think it is perfect and there will be moments that your body limits you. But that is the incredible truth of being human. Take care of it, celebrate it- know that your mind, your heart and your body are all one that make the one and only incredible and unique Kamryn Rae Hartzell. Your body will let you explore, grow, dance, hug, sing, jump, flip, ski, and so many more things. Take good care of that body- shower it with love and know that even when it is changing and you aren't having your best day it is your incredibly amazing home that allows you to be in this world.

Sometimes we can get in a habit of doing whatever we can to make everyone else happy. Especially when we are as caring as you are. But know that you have to make YOU happy- and sometimes that means making other people unhappy. You will get better at knowing what you need but remember that you have the right to need things- from yourself and from other people and only you can tell the world what it is you need. Sometimes we get in the habit of apologizing anytime we need something or for all sorts of silly things. Apologies are so important- and I hope you know how to apologize and be apologized too. But only when it's necessary. If you apology for things that do not warrant an apology it looses its meaning. You are doing so much right... Don't belittle that. Own who you are. What you want and how you live in this world.

I hope you always hold onto your voice. You are so so smart and full of amazing thoughts, ideas, dreams and love to give to this world. Make sure you let the world hear all that you have in that heart and brain. Dont let louder voices make yours quieter- keep standing up and telling the world what you think. Your opinion is SO important and I hope you never forget that. At the same time it is so important to listen, and if you listen closely you will be better able to use your voice too. 

I loved meeting your friends this summer and hearing your stories with them. You are such a good friend, so kind and caring and able to see the best in people. Keep celebrating your friends and building each other up. Let them take care of you and take care of them. Laugh as much as you can. And know that your friends are so so very important.

There is so much more I want to tell you. And I know you will find it on your own. And I will keep sharing things with you as you get older. I hope you keep asking questions and know that anything and everything is safe with me. I love you so so so very much and am so proud of you. I can't wait to see who you become and all the amazing things you do. I'm so grateful to be your god mom!!

Love,
Myshell

Fear, Oppression, Resiliency, Hope... The Human Condition

I'm writing from a bath tub... The self care that is happening this month is fantastic...

Last week we went to the Apartheid museum in Johannesburg. That was one of the things I was really hoping to do and a friend of Mindy's was so kind to take me. It was incredible and heart breaking and inspiring and had my brain doing cartwheels- just how I like it. Since I've been here I have observed some obvious left overs of Apartheid. All the workers are still black. On the highway you see cramped townships of tiny tin homes, women carrying whole lives on their backs and smiling kids playing soccer in the dirt fields. Contrast that with the clean, gated, swimming pool filled estates where all the white people live.

I've seen movies and read books about Apartheid and Mandela in the past- and they flash through my memory here and there but mostly I've been a quiet observer. Enjoying the luxuries of the gated estate without letting my brain run too fast. In all the transitioning between El Salvador and the states I've gotten better at swallowing extreme inequality- which is both good and bad. But last week in the museum I got a little bit more in depth understanding of this country I've been in for the past three weeks- and I am so so grateful for that.

We started with the special Mandela exhibit. The timeline of his life from a young boy given an English name in school to sound more "proper" to a rebel rouser with the African National Party becoming conscious and highly opposed to Apartheid South Africa. He and everyone who's skin was his color were understood to be and treated as completely inferior to the Europeans who came to South Africa following the discovery of gold. Segregation didn't work well enough to keep the two races separate and keep the non- European natives from sharing basic human rights with their European counter parts. So Apartheid was put into play. For 27 years from prison Mandela kept his spirits up, wrote letters to his family every six months that had a minuscule chance of arriving and won over the hearts and minds of fellow prisoners and guards alike. His charisma, commitment to life and justice, ability to keep hoping and memories of sounds, tastes, smells, and his family kept him in the struggle all those years.  He said he'd be the president of South Africa one day and after finally being released he fulfilled his dream. Working to rebuild an extremely broken nation, facilitate reconciliation and bring equality to his people.
As I read about his journey I thought of so many other amazing people I've been lucky to encounter both in stories and books and in friends I'm inspired by everyday. Romero, MLK, Dorothy Day, the Jesuits in El Salvador, and so many others are the people who keep us going when the suffering seems to pervasive to overcome. And amazing people in my life who are dedicated to justice every single day- who are charismatic and courageous, incredibly intelligent and committed to life and love. Mandela is one of a kind yet there are so many in our world of his caliber- women and men who continue the fight against oppression, isms, suffering and inequality that unfortunately is still every where we look. Above pictures of Mandela with supportive family and friends Aristotle was quoted "Good moral character is not something we can achieve on our own. We need a culture that supports the conditions under which self-love and friendship flourish" Mandela didn't stay hopeful and committed to get where he did on his own, he was supported by so many people. That is the truth of all of the amazing people who have started a path that we are continuing and is so important for me to remember everyday as I try to do something that matters with my life.

After the special Mandela exhibit we moved to the main permanent part of the museum- the history of Apartheid in South Africa- a grueling history of how much suffering we are capable of causing each other. It was helpful for the heart to see the Mandela exhibit first- and come in with some hope and overcoming as a back drop to the injustice that Apartheid South Africa was. Not so different from the history of slavery, Jim Crow and deep racism that still exists today it started years and years ago with the idea that native "non europeans" were inferior and thus had to be kept separate from Europeans as to not demoralize the superior class. The steps taken to separate the races with claims to protecting and taking care of the poor Europeans are outrageous.  Apartheid began in 1948 and the list of laws that were created to bar integration were listed on the wall- education, facilities, work, housing, relationships- a law was created regarding every facet of life to make sure mixing did not happen. Entire neighborhoods were forcibly removed so that the Europeans could develop these areas and if natives broke the apartheid laws they were banished to isolated camps and tortured. The "non European" schools, medical care, housing, everything was incredibly low quality. Children were forced to learn in a language they didn't speak to keep them from moving up in the world. Teachers were forced to teach only certain things. Families couldn't get medical care. The blacks were incredibly poor and oppressed while white society flourished.  Blacks were allowed into the city only on work permits to fill  roles as servants, gardeners, guards to white people- roles they still fill today. The suffering and injustice experienced is devastating and completely heart wrenching. And amazingly it isn't the end of the story. Despite every effort by whites to continue the dehumanization and horrible treatment the forces of human resiliency came together to organize and bring light to the suffering that they were experiencing for so many years. Students held strikes against learning in a different language and the masses began to take collective action against the laws. The white government responded with greater violence and attempts to stifle the voices calling for justice. Unfortunately.. It is a story we know- it has happened all around the world and keeps happening. 

I kept thinking about the way immigrants are treated in the U.S, our own history of slavery and institutionalized racism that still plagues our country. The Salvadoran Civil War, Syria.. This horrible constant of people being threatened by those who are different, afraid of loosing their power and wealth that manifests into such extreme oppression. It is everywhere- it always has been. What is it about the human condition that allows us to commit such atrocities against one another? And are we ever going to truly overcome it?

In a lot of ways the story of Apartheid is one of resilience and hope. Democratic elections finally happened, Mandela became president and worked hard to rebuild, create truth and reconciliation committees, nation building projects- everything he could to heal this extremely broken country. And today things are better, black people have more of a chance than they used to, segregation is no longer built into the system. But I still see the effects of it everywhere, the country is still incredibly segregated- the left overs are so obvious and it's going to take a lot of work to truly have equality in this country, our own, everywhere in this broken world.

Mandela's inspiration stuck with me while reading about the incredible suffering. His and so many other stories of people fighting against injustice that have started something for us to keep working for. And although at times I struggle to find hope I was comforted by all the faces of people I know that came to mind as I read about Mandela who help me believe that we will keep making progress. People who are so courageous and committed that will make real change. It helps to connect stories of both suffering and resilience that are happening across the globe- get out of our context and understand another's. While realizing that segregation, inequality, fear and oppression continue to effect people everywhere makes me sick to my stomach- it also fuels my fire knowing that in my community and all over the world there are people who are fighting against suffering having the last word.

I'm so grateful to learn a little about this country's history, for the eyes through which I have come to see the world and for all the people near and far that are asking the same questions and working to bring a glimpse of justice to their corner of the world. This country is fascinating and confusing even from the small, privileged, separate glimpse I am getting and the museum gave me a little more to chew on as I finish my time here and head home to continue learning and processing.