I'm reading a book called Becoming Woman that was recommended by my very favorite professor this past year. It's a little outdated and painfully heteronormative but it talks about the different stages of a woman's life and the experience of self identity that come with each- especially in the midst of all the messages given to us by the world to be some specific idea of what is woman. These past two years have been really important in understanding myself as a woman- my role as a woman in this world and all the things I have been taught about who I should be. Constructs that often contrasts with who I can be and who I want to be. Starting in El Salvador with Trena's support and example and also being so entrenched in the Salvadoran experience of being woman my desire to be Michelle- to embrace my womanhood and not be limited by it- to understand it and to use that to empower other women really flourished. Then I went to Theology school... Where I experienced the incredible frustration and challenge of being a woman in the Catholic Church. Where from our traditions story of day one women have been devalued- less than men, expected to serve them, bear children and continue to be dehumanized and not celebrated or seen for who they are. Yet at the same time I was surrounded by the most empowering community of women- acknowledging the messages we have been given and giving them a strong, united "no thank you" (or lots of other choice words). I had female professors that found ways to bring intellect and experience together to defy these messages and to empower us to do the same. And experienced my fair share of holy anger.
At the end of the year I feel more in touch with myself as a woman than I ever have before- in so many ways. Owning who I am. Owning the b.s society has fed me and continuing to learn how to be exactly who I am. My mom did wonders in forming me as a woman that I continue to see manifest everyday as I come more fully into myself. She always taught me to express my opinions, she let me run naked in the yard and took me hiking and helped me understand the value of my body as part of me and the location of such joy and fullness of existence. She told me I could be whatever I wanted to be- taught me to be strong and independent and reach for the stars.. And never to submit to some idea of being less than. That said I have my fair share of baggage as we all do- that I will probably be making sense of for the rest of my life- but am so grateful for the consciousness to start and a community that is with me in it.
This past month seeing Mindy as a mom, being with seven year old Kamryn and Linden and Leighton in their first month as women on this earth I have thought a lot about what it means to become a woman- especially in the early stages. I have admired so much of what Mindy is teaching Kamryn (and has taught me over the years) and dreamed of how I will raise my daughters hoping I get that opportunity someday. I dream a lot of being a mom- I have for as long as remember- and really want to do the very best job at it I possibly can. I'm in no rush though and sometimes worry I'll forget the nuggets of wisdom I'm gaining along the way. So... This is for Kamryn- and for me to pass on someday to my own daughter.
Dearest Kamryn,
Being with you this past month has been the greatest joy. Watching you grow since I first held you in the hospital almost eight years ago has been so much fun- and it seems like I just keep coming to love you more and more. You have become such an incredible little girl. You are so caring, kind, thoughtful- you listen so well and are so so helpful all the time. I absolutely love your giggle and cannot help but laughing myself when you loose yourself in giggles like when I'm air tickling you. I love your freedom and joy- watching you dance around the room, sing your heart out, play and use your imagination. Hold onto that. Your silliness is so so special and I hope you can continue to be the wacky kid you are as you grow up and start noticing what people think more. You are such a unique, wonderful, out of this world person and I hope you never ever forget that. You are full of life and love that radiates from you every moment.
Sometimes being a girl and becoming a woman can be hard. I hope that when it gets confusing you know you have so many people to support you. Your mom has been a huge support for me since I was a little girl and is the best to talk to when life seems too hard. She just gets it.. And will be so honest with you even while trying to protect you. The relationship you have with her is so special and will continue to be. Lean on her- let her in- laugh with her. Let her be your mom and your best friend for the rest of your life- you got so so lucky to have her. Know I am here too always always. And will talk to you about anything without making you feel embarrassed. There is so much to make sense of and sometimes you need a few different people to help you do that. I can't wait til you are ready to come visit me on your own- my time with your mom was my very favorite- I hope I can be that for you.
I hope as you grow up you always know how beautiful you are too. You need to know you are a dazzling incredible little girl and will be as a young woman too. And you are SO much more than simply beautiful. Your mom is so good at teaching you this. You are all of the things you are inside- smart, fun, loving, creative, joyful, respectful, strong- so so many things. I hope you always know how special and important your body is. It is the most incredible home that you will have forever. It will change and you won't always think it is perfect and there will be moments that your body limits you. But that is the incredible truth of being human. Take care of it, celebrate it- know that your mind, your heart and your body are all one that make the one and only incredible and unique Kamryn Rae Hartzell. Your body will let you explore, grow, dance, hug, sing, jump, flip, ski, and so many more things. Take good care of that body- shower it with love and know that even when it is changing and you aren't having your best day it is your incredibly amazing home that allows you to be in this world.
Sometimes we can get in a habit of doing whatever we can to make everyone else happy. Especially when we are as caring as you are. But know that you have to make YOU happy- and sometimes that means making other people unhappy. You will get better at knowing what you need but remember that you have the right to need things- from yourself and from other people and only you can tell the world what it is you need. Sometimes we get in the habit of apologizing anytime we need something or for all sorts of silly things. Apologies are so important- and I hope you know how to apologize and be apologized too. But only when it's necessary. If you apology for things that do not warrant an apology it looses its meaning. You are doing so much right... Don't belittle that. Own who you are. What you want and how you live in this world.
I hope you always hold onto your voice. You are so so smart and full of amazing thoughts, ideas, dreams and love to give to this world. Make sure you let the world hear all that you have in that heart and brain. Dont let louder voices make yours quieter- keep standing up and telling the world what you think. Your opinion is SO important and I hope you never forget that. At the same time it is so important to listen, and if you listen closely you will be better able to use your voice too.
I loved meeting your friends this summer and hearing your stories with them. You are such a good friend, so kind and caring and able to see the best in people. Keep celebrating your friends and building each other up. Let them take care of you and take care of them. Laugh as much as you can. And know that your friends are so so very important.
There is so much more I want to tell you. And I know you will find it on your own. And I will keep sharing things with you as you get older. I hope you keep asking questions and know that anything and everything is safe with me. I love you so so so very much and am so proud of you. I can't wait to see who you become and all the amazing things you do. I'm so grateful to be your god mom!!
Love,
Myshell
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