8/30

Today I opened my email and had the most wonderful message from that trusty brother of mine. Communication with the rest of the world has been a bit of a limp in my step. You think its hard as a freshmen when your friends at home cant imagine what your dorm looks like and don’t know any of your new friends. You feel like there is less to talk about cause they might not understand. Thing is.. they totally understand. Their lives are the same game with different players.

In this new adventure I feel even more so like its just so hard to explain. Its so new to me and an experience of sorts that hasn’t been had by millions of people at home. The culture, lifestyle, language, food, SO much is different. So much is new and stimulating (I always get that word wrong I think its right this time though.) You cant even quite understand it yourself let alone get others to get it. So I go to this funny little internet café with my computer on my lap and try to explain all that’s happening here. And I leave every time really frustrated and overwhelmed like my words just aren’t doing justice for this experience.  Not to mention mom and dads responses have been slightly umm… unconnected and its just a funny thing. Jesse waited a while to respond but today he reminded me “You shouldn't feel funny writing - you do it well and you never will be able to perfectly capture the experience”. Um… your right. Words will start to come easier, pictures will help, all will fall into place. This is life we are talking about, it always does. Just know that I am trying my best to send what I can but so much is being unsaid. This experience is light years more than something that I can put into a quick email or blog. So.. I will keep trying.

Jes asked some questions about what was happening here and ended his email saying “I am so happy for you and proud of you for embracing the experience. Don't try to hard to "do it right." Take it all in, go with the flow, whatever is right in that moment...

BAM… spot on brotha. So what I needed to hear. A lot has been happening and its so hard to be present enough, awake enough, open enough, loving enough, honest enough, good enough at Spanish… and all sorts of enough. But I need to just know that I, fully and completely as Michelle am enough, as long as I am always open to learning and growing. Speaking of Spanish Diana said something along the lines of “Although your spanish may be lacking woman, don't worry. You are fluent in the language of love! Big eyes, big heart, open arms can get you far anywhere!”Bam… spot on again.

We are in our praxis sites with two other people. I am with two of the people with the best Spanish in our group. At first I was intimidated and worried I wouldn’t be able to get enough words in or wouldn’t be able to keep up with conversations. Yesterday I realized, being with them is SUCH a gift. Its like running with Ella who is just a little bit better of a runner than I am and makes me go harder and longer. Listening to them speak teaches me, hearing their vocab and grammar is so good for me and it is my responsibility to take the initiative to get into conversations. But also, sometimes its ok just to listen (not my strong point I know, that’s why I am here… to grow J)

Our site is a beautiful place teeming with life, struggle, hope, passion, pain and so much more. We get to ride with our taxi driver Salvador part of the way in the morning. He totally blew my mind yesterday. I don’t know quite enough about affectionate and open adult males. He is here to teach me. He is so loving and wise and ready to have beautiful conversations. He went on and on about how special the three of us are, so open and outgoing, no pena (hard to translate but close to shame/ embarrassment) about our Spanish. He says it takes special people to create the feeling we had in that taxi. He told us about all the people he has driven and promised so many stories to come. I cant wait to spend my mornings with this man. We rode the rest of the way with Soar Ana Rosa. A sister of some something (ya know whatever nuns are) that I don’t know who is kind of in charge at Cedro. She is an amazingly strong and accomplished women who just goes about her daily business giving to no end. Shes strong and bossy and all the nice words my mom uses to describe me sometimes ;) but she was oh so wonderful to us. We spent the morning with the kindergardeners. One girl broke my heart asking again and again for one of my bobby pins… bobby pins are like..less than pennies. Preety much like pieces of trash that girls completely rely on but go through packs and packs because of how easy they are to misplace. For sweet little Rosa it was something special, later she asked for Claras watch and necklace and I started to get a little concerned. Something in her life is motivating all this. Maybe its that she has so little materially or maybe its something a little deeper than that. Then there was William, who hugged me and grabbed my hand as often as he could. Sweet as could be and totally the cuddly little 5 year old I always wish Kamryn would turn into (not really I love her just how she is) but 5 year olds just aren’t naturally that affectionate, and again my big open eyes wandered what his little life looks like. So many kids grabbed my attention, I could go on for days. But I have four months to learn about them. To listen to them, not just their words but so much more. Kids are such a beautiful thing to me, living through such scary things but running around at recess silly and joyful as can be. The world has a lot to learn from them.

Later we served food in the comedor (community kitchen), some kids stay after school to eat, other older kids come on their way to or from school (most only go for half a day because of space, funding, resources, teachers, etc). Lots bring tuperwares to take home food to their family. I watched one tiny little girl scrape every last left over bean and kernel of rice out of her bowl into the tuperware to take home to her family. The knowledge she had of how precious that food is broke my heart once again, this is a reality that so many of us at home know so little about.

We had lunch with Soar and the women who work at the center. There are amazing, loving, beautiful, strong women everywhere we go. And we started talking about family, brothers and sisters, all those basic questions. Someday I will figure out my coined response for how many siblings I have. Its always a struggle.. if I just say two they ask why we are so far apart. If I say 3 I expose a little of my soul to people and sometimes the pity that is returned just makes for an awkward interaction. Anyways Soar asked and I said “Somos tres,pero ahora solamento hay dos” (We are three but now there are only 2).  I gave a 3 second explanation of Eric and his leukemia, she smiled and we moved on. There is something really… liberating about saying that (especially in Spanish for some reason.. I like somos tres). It is also interesting how so often at home that response would turn into story time, but for Soar.. and probably for so much of this country responses like that are common and matter of fact. Stories and emotions can come later, but for yesterday that was just the truth. It’s a beautiful thing I tell you, and today when someone asked how many siblings I had, I said it again. Im sticking with it, Eric is someone worth knowing. I think about him a lot here for whatever reason. My so very special picture with him is the closest to my pillow and I explained to one girl today… losing Eric gave something really positive to Jesse and I.  I don’t know where Im going with this other than maybe there is some sort of connection over loss and something to be said for being real and honest in the most simple of ways. The boys are learning “If I Saw You In Heaven” Someday I will tell them how that song makes my heart soar and this perfect image I have of dad on the deck in Michigan saying “this is my song for Eric”.  Vulnerable and genuine are themes in my head… this country, my goals, my weaknesses and my hopes for this time here. Its missing at home and now is my time to figure out how to make it more a part of me.

Today we had Political Science… the class I still haven’t decided if I should take or not. The classes are all too great and right now I am “taking” six… we are only supposed to take 5 but they are just too interesting and wonderful. Poli Sci counts toward my major and is SO interesting. Just after one class I feel like I have such a better understanding of this country. How money is distributed, made, moved, lost, shared, etc. Unemployment, agriculture, war, violence, prostitution. The differences between the U.S. and El Salvador. SO VERY INTERESTING. Also, its going to be a super easy A, he said… my only rule is that we enjoy this class, I don’t want you to be stressed at all about this. Ill take it… a class where I learn SO much but also get to enjoy it and not have loads of homework and tests. Then there is Life Writing. A legend of a class taught by a Santa Clara professor who everybody raves about. I don’t think Im going to get it to count for anything but it is so wonderful. I love writing and I may never really have a chance to take a writing class. Its all about experiences and autobiography and sounds like its almost going to be therapeutic. It’s a lot of work but seems totally worth it. So I want to take both.. plus the other 4 I have to take, and I might be crazy. We shall see.

Nate said in his blog, I am being so energized by the people here..both in the program and the Salvadorans. It is so true. There is just this feeling of energy and love, understanding, thoughtfulness and commitment to this experience that is always in the air. Everytime we are apart we look forward to coming back together and spilling about our days. We are starting to get into the thick of it all a little bit together and it is so wonderful. I am right where I need to be and couldn’t be happier. I am exhausted, itchy, stinky and always sweaty and sticky. But none of that matters one bit. Sorry for the sudden explosion of thoughts and words. My brain is starting to work again. And still there is so much I left out. Ill be back. XOXO

8/25

Wow… this post has been a long time coming. Or at least it feels that way, Ive only been here for just over a week, but it feels like I have been here for a lifetime. I have to write this at home and then go somewhere with Internet to send it. So far my relationship with internet has been a little funny, being in this place where we are so present and so much is happening and then getting on the internet and trying to explain it slash take in all that comes from the internet is slightly overwhelming. With time I will figure out how to balance being here but also keeping in regular and meaningful contact with home, but in all honesty for now it feels like a bit of a disconnect.

Im not even sure where to start, thinking back to the first night we got here seems like ages ago. In my email my dad said I need to find a better adjective than amazing… so I’ll try, but I cant make any promises.

The people here are beautiful in so many ways. For the past week we have had orientation… the first two days were just logistics, rules, safety precautions, settling in, etc. Then we started touring the different praxis sites. There are ten sites around the community, in and outside of the city that we will be spending our Mondays and Wednesdays. Seeing them all has been absolutely amazing, heart warming and heart breaking all at the same time, and has already taught us so much about this country and its people.

We have seen so much pain, struggle and poverty but even more hope, dedication, joy and love. Today, we had our first day of classes and we talked about senses. Touch has been such a special one. We are a group of gringos and for this week we have been traveling as all 26 (plus 5 coordinators) but family after family invited us into their homes to welcome us to El Salvador. Men, women, kids… hugged and kissed us on the cheeks with no reserve. There is this common bond between people here, maybe it comes from the struggle they have experienced, surely its somewhat because of the trust that has been created with the Casa program. They do not doubt our intentions, the kids jump on us and giggle with us and the people tell us all about their lives. They are so honest, vulnerable and real. Characteristics, words, ideas that I feel are so important, and so often lost from life at home. Things that will be very meaningful to this trip, and things that I hope I can learn to be more a part of me. 

We have seen community centers working to give children a full day of school, books to read, something similar to preschool. Companies working to give women a way to make money, sell their crafts and keep them from the scary and deathly maquilladores (factories), a clinic that gives check ups for $3-$10 so that the huge population that does not have the money to go to the doctor is able to receive health care, a center that is trying to give people a way to walk with God every day without some of the scary, critical, exclusive institutional practices of the church. People who walk 30 mins up a hill every day to just be in solidarity with communities in the most real form of poverty. Living in what we in the U.S. would call shacks, without electricity and running water and on $4 a day that they make carrying 200 pounds up and down a hill in the fincas (coffee farms). We have seen so much. Again.. so much pain, but so many people working to make the pain a little easier to deal with and so many smiling, hopeful faces that are just happy to be alive, and have visitors in their home.

All of this has been with a group of absolutely out of this world people. Everyone is here for the right reasons, learning, growing, being challenged, loving. Our hearts all touch. We laugh so much but when we need to cry, we can do that too. The conversations are meaningful and beautiful… yet equally silly and mindless. We have deep reflections and play crazy silly games, run together in the mornings, sit around and tell stories and eat our meals together. We are a family of familiar understanding in a place where so much scary and unfamiliar will rock our world.

It feels so very right and I know so many beautiful things are on their way for me. Most the time I can understand people in Spanish but sometimes have trouble responding, and of course sometimes I miss things but with time that will come. The food is absolutely amazing and I am living in the “big” house.. Casa Romero with 11 other students and a wonderful Community Coordinator.. Quentin who is from SCU. I have a room to myself which is slowly becoming more and more like home. The showers are freeeezing but a nice wake up after a morning run and all of it is fantastic.

I haven’t visited my site yet but am one day closer. Mine is the last one we will visit on Saturday and I am so very excited. I think in a way our Praxis sites kind of become our identity and our home. Im ready to have a home amongst Salvadorans. To show my excitement and love and gratitude to a group of people who are welcoming me into their life to teach me to be all of the things that they are that I hope to be. To help me to understand their lives, myself and how on Earth together we can make a difference. Classes started today and I think they are going to be extremely interesting and challenging for our hearts and minds, exactly what this whole journey is about.

I will try to be back more frequently and be less summarizy..again, Im still figuring out this whole contact with home thing. Come to El Salvador! It will steal your heart!

T O M O R R R O W

Um so... my bags are packed. My tickets are printed. Goodbyes have been said and all the little details are coming together.

I am going to El Salvador... TOMORROW! Not in a year or six months or two weeks.. TOMORROW. In 24 hours I will be there. In the place I will be living for four months. I can only imagine all the emotions that are going to come along with that. And boy am I excited.

The thing is I dont really have words. Its still kind of surreal but its also just so dang exciting. Yea Im a little nervous, probably wont be able to speak great Spanish the first couple days and may have brought too much or too little of something. But just like I have for the past 7ish months.. I just know its right. Its time for the next big adventure. Another challenge and opportunity and beautiful learning experience, just to keep riding on the tails of all these others.

Young RYLA this year taught me more than I could have ever imagined.. and I think it helped me to be ready for El Salvador.

I cant wait to see all that comes of it. Its crazy to think this summer is over. My stint as head JC of Young RYLA is over and I am going into my Junior year... in EL SALVADOR.


I will try to update as often as I can... heres to the next adventure. And to an amazing summer of Young RYLAness and all the life that has gotten me here!

letting go

Hmm.. how do I start this.

My heart feels funny. Torn. Kinda sad to see something so special end. So excited for something new and amazing to begin. Grateful that my life is so good that truly every time one great thing ends another begins. Hopeful that the people in this life know how thankful I am for them.

Friday night was another wonderful night of Young RYLA lovin. Dinner at Miggles, Apples to Apples and fudge stripe cookies and then roof star gazing at Heidi's. So much fun, such amazing out of this world people, such a feeling that I cant explain and that I am reminded of again and again, summer after summer. It is such a special thing and I cannot believe how much of my life it has become. I think about that girl four years ago going to this camp I knew nothing about, excited, nervous but more than anything else... completely unaware of the impact it would have on my life. Of the way it would give and give and give for as long as possible... of the way it would become home.

I dont think I will ever feel like the words I put to this feeling, to the gratitude and the love I have for these people will do justice. Its just too overwhelming of an emotion and love for words to be enough. I have had four years of amazing teams, as a conferee, then 1st and 2nd year. Each year there were those specific ones that I stayed incredibly close too and each year the team felt a little different. This year... I feel like my heart touches EVERY single one of their hearts, like we were meant to live on this planet together and hold each other up and laugh together and never ever let go of this time we had together. Yes, we will get busy and wont stay in touch as well as we should but the love and gratitude I have for this group of people who I watched make the magic happen is something I havent quite felt before.  This year they became a part of me, building Young RYLA has been my baby for the past 10 months and having the most fantastic group of people to implement it all, to make it all real, to put their hearts and souls into every moment feels like the most amazing gift in the world. Im rambling again but the point is... I love each and every one of you JC's and SC's like you are more than family, you have brought so much to my life and changed it more than I ever knew possible.

Young RYLA has given me so much. Strength, love, hope, compassion, leadership skills... the list could go on and on forever. Its so incredibly hard to let go but its almost like it has shaped me and now its time for me to go fly on my own and spread the magic to the rest of the world. It has been such a constant, such a wonderful thing to look forward to, and the perfect place to get together once a summer with the best people in the world. Again, i wish I had words for how much it has done for me, and how thankful I am to have been a part of it all. I know that it has so much more to give and it will continue to change lives forever, so happy that so many more people get to continue to feel this overwhelming emotion and have their lives changed by this program that we are so dang lucky to be a part of.

Debrief yesterday went beautifully, I was worried it would be painful and yea its far from the most enjoyable part but the ideas and thoughtfulness were wonderful. For so many years to come it will only continue to get better. The board decided there would be 2 YRYLAs next year... so freaking exciting. Double the amount of people that get to feel all that I just gushed about, double the JC's to be empowered by the kids, double the love and magic. Its easier to let go of something when you know it will continue to thrive and that it is in the best possible hands. Its a beautiful thing I tell you.

I drove Toria home... my sweet sweet girl who has become so freaking close this year. We chatted about all things life.. boy do I feel so lucky to have her and so many others in my life. Then I talked to Jess forever after I dropped her off... when you talk to someone almost every day since October, a week of not talking seems like forever. We had so much catching up to do and boy am I thankful for that woman :). Then Rubs called... both of us sad to see the end we talked about how special it is, how right it all feels and how we have to keep finding beauty in life. We joked about this being the peak of our life... how there isnt much thats as special. And ya know, in all honesty, theres not, but there are a lot of things that are close and it seems one of those its just a few days away. As we were talking the clouds above Lake Dillon turned this awesome pink and orange and their reflection on the lake was completely unreal.. just a reminder of all the beauty there really is in this world. Its a good life, we are lucky to have each other and this experience and the best we can do is take it and run with it :)

The next big thing is as close as it can be. Summer is coming to a close but it doesnt even feel sad. This summer has been so Young RYLA focused and being at camp was exactly what I needed to get me ready for El Salvador. I was reminded of so much meaning in life, of being genuine, of struggle and of so much hope and love. Im ready to take it with me. Im so very excited to start this new journey and can barely wrap my mind around the fact that it is actually happening right now, right before my eyes.

Im going to be LIVING in Central America, speaking Spanish on the reg and taking some seriously amazing classes. Working in the community and getting to know a group of people on a totally different level. I am so excited, so blown away at the opportunities life hands me, and maybe a little nervous that it is so very soon :). Its time though, life has me right where Im supposed to be :). Ill be back with more thoughts on El Salv.

Thank you Young RYLA for all you have given me, thank you beautiful people in my life for being so out of this world, thank you to this years staff for truly making it the best week we could have asked for! I love you!

rambling gratitude

I can tell you right now this post is not going to do justice. My head and heart are flooded with emotions and thoughts. So much has happened, so much is about to happen. Life is so good to me.

Today, Junior said "When it rains, it poors good things". SO TRUE! Life has been poooorrinng good things on me for the past two years and it seems to just keep getting better.

Young RYLA 2011 has come to a close.  Young RYLA in the form I have known in for the past three years has come to a close. And I could not have asked for a better ending. We had THE most amazing week, something that I cannot explain to you if you werent there. Things just went right. Some of it was luck, some of it was a great balance of leadership and personality between Jess, Junior and I,  and most of it was the amazing team we were so lucky to have chosen. Every single JC and SC we wanted there was able to be there and they ROCKED it. For the past two years as a JC I watched my team and relished in how much they learned and grew, how amazing they were, and hoped that my week with them would leave an impact. This year I watched 12 JC's kick butt. I relished in how well they did and I knew that this was only the beginning of how much fire they would spread to this world, how much change they would make and how huge of an impact they have and will continue to have on this world. I cannot describe how amazing each and everyone of them is. Each in their own way, spreading love and hope and inspiration and so many things to these kids, to me and to so many other people. They put their hearts and souls into this week and did such an amazing job. I feel so grateful for each one of them for being there to make this last week of Young RYLA so easy and amazing and fulfilling. They taught me so much and forever will hold such a huge place in my heart.

Then, there were the kids. Amazing and mind boggling as always. At first I worried I wouldnt have the chance to get to know them. Slowly I found the ones that would be so meaningful, open my eyes and remind me of all that is beautiful and scary in this world. They taught me so much. Their tears and smiles, their questions and fears, their laughter and dance moves. Its all gonna stick with me for so long. The boy who told me that 1 of the first 5 awesome things in his life is Young RYLA and another is hope, the one who cried in the lunch line, the sweet girl who reminded me when I woke up too sleepy that I was supposed to be thinking "this is the first day of the rest of my life", the one who knows her life isnt as long as she deserves it to be, the one who cried and cried before he would finally leave, the one who finally made eye contact with me, the ones who struggled and struggled but finally came into the Young RYLA world, showed their team all their moves and were amazing, and so many more. Faces and stories flood through my head when I think of all the amazingness in those kids. They come from hard and somewhat easy, ups and downs, different colors, religions, families, so many different lifestyles. But they know how to dance their hearts out and they have so very much to give to this world. As I told them Thursday night, I belive in them more than anyone else in the world. I feel so lucky to have known them, to be inspired by them and to be living in a world with them. One that they will without a doubt make a better place.

We danced, we sang, we hiked and learned and had meaningful conversations. We expected so much of the JC's, SC's and kids and they all far exceeded our expectatons. They came together and held each other up. They broke down barriers. I could go on for hours. Its a beautiful thing, one that you should try to be a part of someday if you arent already. It changes lives, and Im not just saying that.

RYLA has given me so much, and as sad as I am to let go.. it has prepared for the world. As Jess said yesterday "We cant dissapoint the program, lets go set the world on fire". And that is exactly what we will do. Take all that the last four years have taught us and make this world a beautiful place. We will create change and spread love and passion. We will live as best as we can and work to always be the best versions of ourselves.

I have learned so much this summer. So much about leadership and myself and other people. About organization and logistics, about working with others, about what it takes to create a team and to be a leader that people can turn to for support and so much more. I am so grateful. Im rambling, I know... so you get the point. It was amazing. It fueled me. It will fuel me for the rest of my life.

And it best keep fueling me right on through cause I AM LEAVING FOR EL SALVADOR IN ONE WEEK! Crazy crazy crazy. Its time to get into go mode (ha, like there was ever time to not be in go mode). Packing, dentist, doctor, hair cut... seeing everyone I can possibly fit. Breathing some. Soaking up this mountain air. And hopefully sooner than later taking a little time just to process. This is the beginning of that.

I am as ready as I will ever be. This summer has prepared me just as I hoped it would. Time at home to think. Time with my mama. Honesty like I have never known it before. Vulnerability. Learning. Self evaluation. A little relaxing. And Young RYLA to push all of that even further. To remind me how to soak it all up. To bring out the tears when they need to come out, but to be compassionate, caring, and to live with integrity always. I have learned so much. Life is preparing me for the next adventure.

So I will spend the next 6 days packing, loving my mama and the people in this world as much as I can. Preparing my head and heart. And just enjoying a little more time at home.

Sorry for the ramble. Heres to a really good life.

XOXOXO