8/30

Today I opened my email and had the most wonderful message from that trusty brother of mine. Communication with the rest of the world has been a bit of a limp in my step. You think its hard as a freshmen when your friends at home cant imagine what your dorm looks like and don’t know any of your new friends. You feel like there is less to talk about cause they might not understand. Thing is.. they totally understand. Their lives are the same game with different players.

In this new adventure I feel even more so like its just so hard to explain. Its so new to me and an experience of sorts that hasn’t been had by millions of people at home. The culture, lifestyle, language, food, SO much is different. So much is new and stimulating (I always get that word wrong I think its right this time though.) You cant even quite understand it yourself let alone get others to get it. So I go to this funny little internet café with my computer on my lap and try to explain all that’s happening here. And I leave every time really frustrated and overwhelmed like my words just aren’t doing justice for this experience.  Not to mention mom and dads responses have been slightly umm… unconnected and its just a funny thing. Jesse waited a while to respond but today he reminded me “You shouldn't feel funny writing - you do it well and you never will be able to perfectly capture the experience”. Um… your right. Words will start to come easier, pictures will help, all will fall into place. This is life we are talking about, it always does. Just know that I am trying my best to send what I can but so much is being unsaid. This experience is light years more than something that I can put into a quick email or blog. So.. I will keep trying.

Jes asked some questions about what was happening here and ended his email saying “I am so happy for you and proud of you for embracing the experience. Don't try to hard to "do it right." Take it all in, go with the flow, whatever is right in that moment...

BAM… spot on brotha. So what I needed to hear. A lot has been happening and its so hard to be present enough, awake enough, open enough, loving enough, honest enough, good enough at Spanish… and all sorts of enough. But I need to just know that I, fully and completely as Michelle am enough, as long as I am always open to learning and growing. Speaking of Spanish Diana said something along the lines of “Although your spanish may be lacking woman, don't worry. You are fluent in the language of love! Big eyes, big heart, open arms can get you far anywhere!”Bam… spot on again.

We are in our praxis sites with two other people. I am with two of the people with the best Spanish in our group. At first I was intimidated and worried I wouldn’t be able to get enough words in or wouldn’t be able to keep up with conversations. Yesterday I realized, being with them is SUCH a gift. Its like running with Ella who is just a little bit better of a runner than I am and makes me go harder and longer. Listening to them speak teaches me, hearing their vocab and grammar is so good for me and it is my responsibility to take the initiative to get into conversations. But also, sometimes its ok just to listen (not my strong point I know, that’s why I am here… to grow J)

Our site is a beautiful place teeming with life, struggle, hope, passion, pain and so much more. We get to ride with our taxi driver Salvador part of the way in the morning. He totally blew my mind yesterday. I don’t know quite enough about affectionate and open adult males. He is here to teach me. He is so loving and wise and ready to have beautiful conversations. He went on and on about how special the three of us are, so open and outgoing, no pena (hard to translate but close to shame/ embarrassment) about our Spanish. He says it takes special people to create the feeling we had in that taxi. He told us about all the people he has driven and promised so many stories to come. I cant wait to spend my mornings with this man. We rode the rest of the way with Soar Ana Rosa. A sister of some something (ya know whatever nuns are) that I don’t know who is kind of in charge at Cedro. She is an amazingly strong and accomplished women who just goes about her daily business giving to no end. Shes strong and bossy and all the nice words my mom uses to describe me sometimes ;) but she was oh so wonderful to us. We spent the morning with the kindergardeners. One girl broke my heart asking again and again for one of my bobby pins… bobby pins are like..less than pennies. Preety much like pieces of trash that girls completely rely on but go through packs and packs because of how easy they are to misplace. For sweet little Rosa it was something special, later she asked for Claras watch and necklace and I started to get a little concerned. Something in her life is motivating all this. Maybe its that she has so little materially or maybe its something a little deeper than that. Then there was William, who hugged me and grabbed my hand as often as he could. Sweet as could be and totally the cuddly little 5 year old I always wish Kamryn would turn into (not really I love her just how she is) but 5 year olds just aren’t naturally that affectionate, and again my big open eyes wandered what his little life looks like. So many kids grabbed my attention, I could go on for days. But I have four months to learn about them. To listen to them, not just their words but so much more. Kids are such a beautiful thing to me, living through such scary things but running around at recess silly and joyful as can be. The world has a lot to learn from them.

Later we served food in the comedor (community kitchen), some kids stay after school to eat, other older kids come on their way to or from school (most only go for half a day because of space, funding, resources, teachers, etc). Lots bring tuperwares to take home food to their family. I watched one tiny little girl scrape every last left over bean and kernel of rice out of her bowl into the tuperware to take home to her family. The knowledge she had of how precious that food is broke my heart once again, this is a reality that so many of us at home know so little about.

We had lunch with Soar and the women who work at the center. There are amazing, loving, beautiful, strong women everywhere we go. And we started talking about family, brothers and sisters, all those basic questions. Someday I will figure out my coined response for how many siblings I have. Its always a struggle.. if I just say two they ask why we are so far apart. If I say 3 I expose a little of my soul to people and sometimes the pity that is returned just makes for an awkward interaction. Anyways Soar asked and I said “Somos tres,pero ahora solamento hay dos” (We are three but now there are only 2).  I gave a 3 second explanation of Eric and his leukemia, she smiled and we moved on. There is something really… liberating about saying that (especially in Spanish for some reason.. I like somos tres). It is also interesting how so often at home that response would turn into story time, but for Soar.. and probably for so much of this country responses like that are common and matter of fact. Stories and emotions can come later, but for yesterday that was just the truth. It’s a beautiful thing I tell you, and today when someone asked how many siblings I had, I said it again. Im sticking with it, Eric is someone worth knowing. I think about him a lot here for whatever reason. My so very special picture with him is the closest to my pillow and I explained to one girl today… losing Eric gave something really positive to Jesse and I.  I don’t know where Im going with this other than maybe there is some sort of connection over loss and something to be said for being real and honest in the most simple of ways. The boys are learning “If I Saw You In Heaven” Someday I will tell them how that song makes my heart soar and this perfect image I have of dad on the deck in Michigan saying “this is my song for Eric”.  Vulnerable and genuine are themes in my head… this country, my goals, my weaknesses and my hopes for this time here. Its missing at home and now is my time to figure out how to make it more a part of me.

Today we had Political Science… the class I still haven’t decided if I should take or not. The classes are all too great and right now I am “taking” six… we are only supposed to take 5 but they are just too interesting and wonderful. Poli Sci counts toward my major and is SO interesting. Just after one class I feel like I have such a better understanding of this country. How money is distributed, made, moved, lost, shared, etc. Unemployment, agriculture, war, violence, prostitution. The differences between the U.S. and El Salvador. SO VERY INTERESTING. Also, its going to be a super easy A, he said… my only rule is that we enjoy this class, I don’t want you to be stressed at all about this. Ill take it… a class where I learn SO much but also get to enjoy it and not have loads of homework and tests. Then there is Life Writing. A legend of a class taught by a Santa Clara professor who everybody raves about. I don’t think Im going to get it to count for anything but it is so wonderful. I love writing and I may never really have a chance to take a writing class. Its all about experiences and autobiography and sounds like its almost going to be therapeutic. It’s a lot of work but seems totally worth it. So I want to take both.. plus the other 4 I have to take, and I might be crazy. We shall see.

Nate said in his blog, I am being so energized by the people here..both in the program and the Salvadorans. It is so true. There is just this feeling of energy and love, understanding, thoughtfulness and commitment to this experience that is always in the air. Everytime we are apart we look forward to coming back together and spilling about our days. We are starting to get into the thick of it all a little bit together and it is so wonderful. I am right where I need to be and couldn’t be happier. I am exhausted, itchy, stinky and always sweaty and sticky. But none of that matters one bit. Sorry for the sudden explosion of thoughts and words. My brain is starting to work again. And still there is so much I left out. Ill be back. XOXO