praxis weekend, thinking, reflecting and a weekend to relax!

Lots is happening in this little land of learning and growing and love. Its hard for me to find the right words to put it all on this blank page of paper staring back at me.

I left for Praxis weekend on Friday feeling emotionally and physically exhausted and missing home. I walked down the steps surrounded by beautiful plants and trees towards the little pink casita I would stay in for two nights and automatically my heart felt lighter. I was welcomed into the home of Nina Reina, her husband Don Hector and there three kids Noe (4), Dianna (8) and Vanessa (11). There house really feels like a home and there family is very loving and dear together. It is beautiful and quiet in their little mountainous area, fresh air and clear skies make it feel much more like home. It was like a little break from this new constantly running life.  Friday night I learned to make papusas and we all sat together and pulled the corn kernels off the cob. We laughed at my challenged, weak hands as Reina and Hector stripped the cobs as fast as I did one row.   Hector and Reina gave me their bed and shared with the kids, so very kind of them. I went to the bathroom before bed and met a big fat cockroach on the medal toilet waiting to scare me away. I cocooned myself in my blanket all night freaked out by the bugs circling my head and the big spiders sitting on the wall watching me.  I was treated like a princess, always given the most food and asked if I was comfortable. The rest of the weekend was spent playing soccer and taking pictures with the kids, helping Reina with cooking and clean up and sitting with her in her little stand above the house while she sold food. I learned a lot and saw another reality. I felt uncomfortable and some part of my head was waiting to return to the comfort of this house, then I realized how backwards it was to think that. Reina, Hector and the kids don’t get to leave and go home, they are home. I felt incredibly white and tall. Like my Chacos and my North Face pants and my big white forehead were totally out of place.  I felt uncomfortable telling them about my life at home, knowing how different it is, realizing how incredibly privileged I really am. They let me into their lives, telling me about the two children they lost. One in the Earthquake and the other as a baby from a cause I cant quite understand. We talked about jobs and school, Vanessas dream of going to the University, her intelligence and maturity that blew me away. We talked about living in the city versus living in Cedro, about religion and family and just about life. Noe whined “mommmy mommmy” all weekend and Dianna bugged Nina Reina for 10 cents, the siblings fought and Noe didn’t want to eat his dinner. Vanessa used my camera as a mirror and wanted to play with the baby while the rest of us played soccer. We talked about sadness and happiness, the most basic of similarities between every life I know.

I saw so many parallels, but at the same time I saw so many differences. I felt the feelings of guilt and privilege for the first time. I questioned what it means to be a privileged white woman in a world filled with so many people with less than I. A world where solely having white skin means I have more. I wondered about the barriers this creates and what it means to want to work with people whose lives are so different for the rest of my life. What it means to be in this country solely for the purpose of accompiament and learning. I thought about power dynamics and how on earth I can put my privilege of having an education and so much more into something meaningful to create change in this world, to help create equality for the huge part of this world that is marginalized and living in poverty. I allowed myself to create barriers and feel uncomfortable.

Then I came home to this beautiful family that we have created here. Everyone so happy to see each other and share about our weekends. We had good conversation. They reminded me that guilt is unconstructive and I stopped and realized the barriers I had been creating. I came back to see all the similarities I had with the family. And my brain took steps in this whole big grappling process. I had been thinking a lot before about myself, as Sister Peggy said “ I dunno how you can stand all this looking at yourself”, honestly it was getting kinda hard. Then I stepped into this new reality and got a glimpse of the bigger picture. Ok this is who I am, strengths, flaws, lots of space for learning and growing… but now what, what is my place in this big beautiful and scary world? In praxis class we talked about the Pedagogy of the Oppressed and the ideas of the oppressor and the oppressed. Of liberation and relationships and what it means to be here having meaningful conversations, walking with the people and learning about the structural challenges. Then Tuesday morning in Poli Sci we talked about some of the many structural flaws. About the Oligarchy and what happens when people are forced to move to the states and then they send back remittances and families spend them and continue the cycle of supporting the Oligarchy. And in all this my little brain and heart just kept running and running trying to keep up.

This world is so many things. Lots that are hard to swallow. Lots that make it a little easier, that are the sunshine after the storm. This program is set up in a beautiful way that exposes us to all of it and helps us to reflect and process and not trip over ourselves in all the running. We are constantly thinking and reflecting and as exhausting as it is I think it’s the best way to see and take all this in while grappling with so much inside ourselves at the same time. I feel blessed beyond belief to be here, I feel confused, I feel thoughtful, I feel full of information and ideas, and I feel incredibly loved.

We have been here for four weeks and two days now. So much has happened. It still feels incredibly right. And amongst all of the learning and thinking there is relaxing, exercising, breathing and lots of laughing. Margot and I went to an aerobic dance class Monday and had so much fun. Last week we played hide and seek in our house and the police (who are stationed next door) came over to tell us to be quiet because of all the screaming and laughing that was happening. We ran home in the pooring rain one day just because. We have spirituality nights and community nights where we reflect and breath and check in and just support each other.

And maybe the most exciting of it all… this weekend is a free weekend, the first full one we have had and lots of fun is in store. Tomorrow myself and six others are going to this place with 7 waterfalls. We will take a bus there and then get a guide to show us around and lead our hike up to the waterfalls and between them. We’ll  stay overnight in a cheap hostel and come back Sunday. I am so very excited for an adventure, a release, a weekend of fun without too much thinking J

Love to everyone at home, know that I am thinking of you so much and wish that I could be better at communicating. We are busy as can be and I feel like my words do not do justice to all that is happening in this little land. Maybe next week after a little break from thinking this weekend Ill have better words. Happy weekending!