Alive

"You are so alive" said Clarita "How did you know?" I asked while my brain caught up thinking "oh thats what this feeling is...this feeling of soaking up every ounce of beauty, wanting to call everyone I love and tell them just how much they mean to me, feeling connected to humanity and just excited for this life" Clarita would know... she watched me come alive.. and saw me the most alive Id ever been in Cedro. She's seen me at my highest and lowest and she just knows... so thanks for the words mujer.

This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.

Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel.  The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us. 

I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.

I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there...  sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.

Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.

I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">