This morning while I had a few minutes to share breakfast with Margot I said "shoot I have to pack lunch and dinner today, I'm not gonna be home all day". We laughed at this crazy life we live but quietly some stress and anxiety was building within me. I have been acutely aware of how full these days are lately, how at every second there are a million things going on on campus and in my brain, and how many different things we make time to do in college. I dont wanna forget what these days felt like...
My alarm went off at 8 and woke me from a good dream. I pulled myself out of bed, went for a quick run, showered, ate and packed two meals in preperation for a long day.
I power walked to a meeting with my Soc professor where we went over the data analysis plan using SPSS and the part of my brain that somehow gets some of that stuff clicked away. After an hour of wrapping my mind around statistics, analysis and silly coding technology things I ran off to go to my SCCAP office hours.
On my walk, the only time my brain really has to catch up with itself I ran through all the things I needed to do in the next two hours before class.
Plan an immersion trip meeting. Book a table for an event Wednesday. Email interview questions to a professor. Turn in a reimbursement form. Sign up for another event. Send a few emails. Read before class. Eat lunch. Oh and maybe breath a little.
I came to the SCCAP office flustered. My home away from home where I can always find good humans, brains to bounce ideas off of and a little bit of relaxation. We talked about how long these days are. How many different ways we use our brains in the span of one day. How our days go from 8am-10pm with barely any stopping and how normal that has become in this space. Its wild.
I hurried to get everything done and then yet again went rushing to class. Class where we talk about human hope and suffering and listen to projects about Global Poverty and Immigration. Then to Applied Soc where we plan our reports for the organizations we are doing research for.
We got out early and I was so excited to have a little extra time that I filled talking to my soul sista Claire, then off to an event on Education Reform which I left early to hurry to my immersion trip meeting.
WHEWWWW
So much. The thing is I love it all. I really feel like my brain is stimulated. I am learning and growing and capable. Four years here has taught me so freaking much. I can run SPSS analysis and plan an immersion trip and talk about human hope and suffering all with a fair amount of confidence in knowing what Im doing. And even enjoying it.
But my brain is exhausted sometimes. Last night Fr. Jacks homilee was about humans being innately thirsty. For water. But also for knowledge, love, life, newness and sometimes not so good things.. power, money. I think all those things come out in a University setting... some that make me frustrated but others that are so good. There is a thirst for knowledge and invovlement, growth, learning, understanding, closeness to each other and this world on this campus that motivates me, that keeps me going, that allows all the different parts of my brain to keep working even though its exhausting.
And in the communities I have found there is also a thirst to pop this bubble, to go beyond the desire for comfort, wealth and power that we are sometimes brainwashed with. Yesterday we went to a service at Glide Memorial Church in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. Its absolutely beautiful- open, accepting, real, a community of faith, service, love and liberation.
And I was reminded of the fragmenting that happens in our world. The same fragmenting I wrote about in my paper on the extreme racism that exists in our prison system, and that causes gang violence in East LA and leaves people homeless just around the corner. I dont want to live in a fragmented world, I dont want to put walls and barriers up between myself and the reality of suffering and inequality that exists. I dont just want to be comfortable and I dont want to forget that. I want to live with the people who are on the margins. I want to learn from them. I want to go out of my comfort of being white and priveleged, of the easy answer of keeping my distance. I want to be in the thick of it. I want to get to know a community and become a part of it so that way I can really be a part of working for change.
I have a thirst for change. For closeness. For love. For light. For liberation. For equality.
I am able. I am educated. I am privileged. And yet I am naive. I have so much to learn, to see, to listen to.
Lately I am so aware of how little time I have left here. I am aware of the uniqueness of this place, of all that I have learned in my time here, of the little moments, of the learning and of the fullness. I am grateful for all that it has given me. I am grateful for long, exhausting, a million mile hour, all sides of my brain days. I am excited for whats left and also excited to take the thirst that this place has given me and the thirst that sometimes gets ignored in this space into the world beyond it.
I don't want to forget what these days felt like. I don't want to forget the ramblings of my heart that happen in the moments of busy days filled with classes that make me think, meetings and people that open my heart and experiences that push me. I am thirsty and I am grateful for all the ways that thirst is quenched and all the ways I am left to thirst.
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