Home Away From Home for the 23rd Year

The first week and a half of the semester is orientation and we visit each of the praxis sites so students have a context when they are sharing stories and supporting each other through the semester. This semesters visits were really special for some reason and I cannot believe how at home I felt in each of the communities.

First we went to San Ramon- a Christian Base Community that was started after members of the community were pushed away by the hierarchy in the Catholic church which was exemplified by a priest that was more concerned with control and rules than compassion, relationship and supporting the Salvadoran people. The three coordinators of the praxis site were some of the first to move away from the church and worked together to create a space where the people could come together, celebrate their faith and feel welcome and at home- rather than judged. Their mission is to live out their faith, to truly walk with the people and they have a strong presence in some of the poorest communities in the country. In one of the communities we met Nina Auralia again- she is 85 years old and one of the strongest, most outspoken, hilarious, stubborn, amazing Salvadoran women I have ever met. She is everything the country tells women not to be- and for that I love her so much more. She told us about how she had her babies alone, she didn’t want anyone to see her face, she talked about raising her kids who have all gone off to live their own lives now and how her husband left a couple years ago and is waiting to dance with her in heaven. No explanation can do her justice but as I thought of her and everything she is I realized that San Ramon is a place that sets in front of me things as they should be rather than how society says they should be- and specifically the things that I tend to struggle with in the world- the church, gender roles, etc.

 Last semester I spent one day a week there leading a group of young girls, learning from Annita and just soaking up these inspiring people. Somehow they manifest so many things I struggle with- exactly how they should be. The way they live out their faith, walk with the people, welcome everyone, uplift women in their faith community and change the hierarchy is the living opposite of everything I struggle with in the church. The way Annita and Nina Aurelia are- strong, outspoken, loud, stubborn, defiant, brave-  everything this country tells women not to be in a way that makes me cringe. Hector- one of the coordinators is the most gentle, loving, caring men I have ever met- again all the things that often men do not appear to be in this country. I’m not sure exactly how to articulate it but I found comfort in realizing that San Ramon and the people there show me that things can be different, can be how they should be and we can be creators of hope like Annita teaches us.

Wednesday we went to Mariona where we made candles, did a meditation, gave each other messages and heard the painful stories of the Guardado family that has motivated them to committing their lives to finding peace and healing through art, meditation and massage. It felt like a retreat and again I felt so at home, so comfortable, so incredibly grateful for the way I get to spend this year. Lastly, Friday we went to the Quintanillas- they are a family of 13 who lived through some of the most gruesome parts of the war and now live out their experience in the way they love, their political involvement and the way they raise their kids. Their life is an amazing combination of older, campo style living and modern, city living. Rosa- the mom told us the story of loosing her 6 month old when a bomb exploded and landed in her heart as she was carrying her fleeing from the war. Then she told us how she lost her 5 year old when she went down a different path- towards the soldiers rather than away from them. As she told these stories I struggled to even begin to imagine the suffering of these people but felt overwhelmed with gratitude for their willingness to share that pain with us, to trust us to listen and hold something so deeply heart breaking. Then we danced, they played us music and we played games- as always engaging in this beautiful ability to hold both painful and joyful that exists in this country. And in each of these visits I felt overcome by gratitude, comfort, and a feeling of being at home and “with my gente” as Ted says. Being here makes the gears in my head turn way faster and lets my heart feel with the world in an entirely different way. I feel so alive, so close to what’s real and what matters and a burning desire to do something meaningful with my life, to follow the example of these people and keep them with me always- no matter where I am.

During our staff check in Monday morning I expressed feeling confused by how incredibly happy and at home I am here- because at the same time I am missing home. I feel far away from friends, last semester’s students, my family and my sweet new baby Coop. Sometimes I just look at pictures of him and cry- wishing I was closer and sometimes I spend too much time at the internet wanting to connect to that world. My month at home was an amazing reminder of the support I have there, the amazing friends who I can completely relax and be myself with, be silly and weird and have a blast and also talk about what matters in the world. And sometimes here I am aware of a lack of peers. Living abroad comes with that confusing tension- of missing home, and feeling like this is home, and feeling like my heart exists in multiple places- which makes it hard for it to be fully present in any one place.

On Tuesday I turned 23. I was showered in love and surprises- surrounded by this family and sent so much love from my family a few countries away. It was absolutely wonderful- and I also felt far away. I teared up when I talked to my mom on the phone- even though I haven’t spent a birthday with her in 5 years. And then laid in the hammock with Ella and talked about how we are still in transition to being back here. This place is home in so many ways- but we are still finding our way with our new students, getting to know them, understanding the dynamics and figuring out how to be CC’s in a new context. And I think I was craving the easy, close, completely at home feeling we had at the end of last semester and I have with so many people at home. But then I sat in the garden with Ted and Ella- my rocks here, the most constant and present home and support I have and just the best people in the world. And I skyped with Kylie, Jesse and Cooper and I felt better. We finished the evening with our first spirituality night where students share about their faith journeys and it felt really right to be ringing in the new year that way. That is what I love about this job, that is how we go from strangers to family, how we build community and home- by sharing where we are coming from, listening to each other and really holding each others experience.

Ted asked me how I was feeling about 23 the other day.. and part of me felt frustrated that I don’t feel completely whole and strong and sure about everything in my life, which I think is some silly thing the U.S. tells us is how we should be. I feel a little pulled between two places, fearful and stressed about the future and missing support and relationships that have changed and shifted in the past few weeks. But I think that is actually a really good way for me to go into this year. I am seeing this year as an invitation- to let support in, to be patient, to have faith and trust the way things work. I am on a forever journey of getting to know myself and logically I can tell you all of my strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, challenges, etc- but my heart cant fully live out what I know I need in this life- and I think going into this year a little shaky is an invitation for me to let my heart find its way, to be patient to letting my heart and head come together. I’m not particularly good at letting people support me- and I think this year is an invitation to let people in, to find support internally and externally and not fill voids in unhealthy ways. Its an invitation to dive deeper into my faith, exploring my vocation, understanding how this country will stay with me as I move forward in my life, trusting myself, the people around me and the grace of so much that is beyond my control.

So as I feel simultaneously completely at home and far away from home I will settle into that- knowing that it is just right. Knowing that there is something more out there helping me find my way in this life- and that I am in exactly the right place to continue getting to know my self and my place in this world.

Long lost blogger back at it... more stories of El Salvador breaking open my heart.

While I was home someone asked me if I was doing any blogging- I responded with an array of excuses while I was reminded how much I really love writing and miss this space. Many times last semester I thought of getting back into the habit- but there is something about leaving and coming back that is intimidating.  For the past week and a half that I have been back in the country I have found myself yearning to share what is happening here again and again- so instead of continuing to think about it, Ill give it a shot. No promises that I will have time to make it regular- but the movements of my heart are worth documenting and the ways this country, these people and this program impact all who encounter them deserve to be spread…

My month off was spent seeing so many friends, being reminded of the life I don’t live and the ways I feel distant from home and feeling incredible grateful for the people in my life. I was in many different places physically and emotionally but left feeling like there were homes for me to come back to in May, souls that understood me, people I want to be able to give more of my time and my heart to and opportunities that are intriguing. A few people asked me if I would stay for longer than a year while I was home and I said no- almost unsure why. While I was there I felt distant from here, disconnected from what this place means to me- in the same way I often feel disconnected from there when I am here. I don’t like that- but I think it’s good that I know it, and it is something I want to continue exploring.

But for now- my heart is at home. Minutes after I landed in this country I was reminded what this place is to me. And in the past week and a half I have felt endlessly grateful for my time here, the family I have found and how much it has become home. Something amazing happens in this country and I know it is a combination of so many good things. Amazing Salvadoran people who are faithful, loving and vulnerable beyond belief + inspiring, committed leaders who understand this kind of education + students who are willing to accept the invitation + special spaces= something incredibly beautiful. And I have the privilege of calling all that my job my first year out of college- I don’t know how I landed here but I feel blessed beyond belief.

This semester Ted, Ella and I will all be living together in Romero with six amazing women. The program is exceptionally small this semester and when we first found this out a few months ago we struggled to reimagine what it would like to be CC’s in that context. But wow…. In the last three days it has become clear that we are in for something really special.  The closeness that is inevitable in a small group is already manifesting into a sense of safety, trust, care and joy. Living with Ted and Ella is an invitation to really learn to be a team player- to step back sometimes, to trust each other, to celebrate each other’s strengths, to be honest with one another and to be a part of the community in a new way.  There is so much unknown ahead of us and I am so excited to be apart of it unfolding.

My dear students last semester taught me so much and I will be such a better CC because of it. As I begin with these new students I know that each of them is a universe…of beauty, struggle, experience, wisdom, joy and so much to teach me. My students last semester taught me that, showed me the depths of their hearts in a way I could have never imagined the first days, they let me in, they helped me grow and held my heart in such a special way.  They proved to me that this amazing program and country really transform people- and that the grace that happens here is so far beyond my control.  Beginning with that knowledge is helping me to let go, to be genuinely me and to trust in the slow work, the process of unfolding that happens with such beauty.

Today we had our first day of praxis visits. We went to Zacamil and Tepecoyo- rural villages where strong, faithful women run the place (welcome to El Salvador). Deysi retold the story of her son’s accident when he decided to leave school so he could work for the family and provide them with something to eat. Just a few weeks after he began working he fell while cutting down a tree, landed on his head and was paralyzed from the waist down. I hate how short and simple that sounds because when it is told with details from him and his mother your whole heart feels it with them and breaks into so many pieces trying to understand what a horrible combination of things would lead to such suffering. Yet as you listen you always come to understand the faith that the people of this country rely on so deeply. Out of a necessity for something to keep them going, but also out of a true belief that their God is taking care of them, providing for them, loving them- even in the midst of the deepest suffering.

Hearing this story again and that the poverty in Tepecoyo is the worst it has been for years, that children are not eating, that mothers are breaking under the stress of not being able to provide for their children- I feel the same confused I have felt since I first met these women as a student two and a half years ago. Why? How? What the hell do we do? We tell the students that our main goal is to accompany- and I still argue with the part of my brain that wants to fix. The injustice is so much bigger, so much deeper and so much more complicated than what I can understand or what I can fix. And sometimes that is so overwhelming to understand.

This semester my time here really feels more finite and in that I feel myself yearning to understand how to carry this with me in an authentic, meaningful way. I see how easy it is to forget about this reality, to feel distant from Deysi and Yovani on the comforts of my warm couch in the states. And that is terrifying. These women- Deysi spending the whole day caring for her son, and Angelica- sacrificing everything to feed the children of her small canton- should go down in history as incredible heroines. Their names should be next to Gandhi, MLK, Rosa Parks and so many more. But instead they are in our hearts. And I guess we must learn to follow their example. Do the small, daily things that we can to bring goodness, life, joy, love, healing and nourishment to the people around us and trust that it will spread to our world. It is true for Deysi and Angelica- their example expires countless students who then carry them with them forever.

In the midst of accompanying a new group of students, wondering and stressing about what I will do next I think the most important thing is to be as present as I can possibly be to this place and what happens when we let break our hearts. I hope in the next four months I cant let this country seep into my blood until it can never leave again.