Home Away From Home for the 23rd Year

The first week and a half of the semester is orientation and we visit each of the praxis sites so students have a context when they are sharing stories and supporting each other through the semester. This semesters visits were really special for some reason and I cannot believe how at home I felt in each of the communities.

First we went to San Ramon- a Christian Base Community that was started after members of the community were pushed away by the hierarchy in the Catholic church which was exemplified by a priest that was more concerned with control and rules than compassion, relationship and supporting the Salvadoran people. The three coordinators of the praxis site were some of the first to move away from the church and worked together to create a space where the people could come together, celebrate their faith and feel welcome and at home- rather than judged. Their mission is to live out their faith, to truly walk with the people and they have a strong presence in some of the poorest communities in the country. In one of the communities we met Nina Auralia again- she is 85 years old and one of the strongest, most outspoken, hilarious, stubborn, amazing Salvadoran women I have ever met. She is everything the country tells women not to be- and for that I love her so much more. She told us about how she had her babies alone, she didn’t want anyone to see her face, she talked about raising her kids who have all gone off to live their own lives now and how her husband left a couple years ago and is waiting to dance with her in heaven. No explanation can do her justice but as I thought of her and everything she is I realized that San Ramon is a place that sets in front of me things as they should be rather than how society says they should be- and specifically the things that I tend to struggle with in the world- the church, gender roles, etc.

 Last semester I spent one day a week there leading a group of young girls, learning from Annita and just soaking up these inspiring people. Somehow they manifest so many things I struggle with- exactly how they should be. The way they live out their faith, walk with the people, welcome everyone, uplift women in their faith community and change the hierarchy is the living opposite of everything I struggle with in the church. The way Annita and Nina Aurelia are- strong, outspoken, loud, stubborn, defiant, brave-  everything this country tells women not to be in a way that makes me cringe. Hector- one of the coordinators is the most gentle, loving, caring men I have ever met- again all the things that often men do not appear to be in this country. I’m not sure exactly how to articulate it but I found comfort in realizing that San Ramon and the people there show me that things can be different, can be how they should be and we can be creators of hope like Annita teaches us.

Wednesday we went to Mariona where we made candles, did a meditation, gave each other messages and heard the painful stories of the Guardado family that has motivated them to committing their lives to finding peace and healing through art, meditation and massage. It felt like a retreat and again I felt so at home, so comfortable, so incredibly grateful for the way I get to spend this year. Lastly, Friday we went to the Quintanillas- they are a family of 13 who lived through some of the most gruesome parts of the war and now live out their experience in the way they love, their political involvement and the way they raise their kids. Their life is an amazing combination of older, campo style living and modern, city living. Rosa- the mom told us the story of loosing her 6 month old when a bomb exploded and landed in her heart as she was carrying her fleeing from the war. Then she told us how she lost her 5 year old when she went down a different path- towards the soldiers rather than away from them. As she told these stories I struggled to even begin to imagine the suffering of these people but felt overwhelmed with gratitude for their willingness to share that pain with us, to trust us to listen and hold something so deeply heart breaking. Then we danced, they played us music and we played games- as always engaging in this beautiful ability to hold both painful and joyful that exists in this country. And in each of these visits I felt overcome by gratitude, comfort, and a feeling of being at home and “with my gente” as Ted says. Being here makes the gears in my head turn way faster and lets my heart feel with the world in an entirely different way. I feel so alive, so close to what’s real and what matters and a burning desire to do something meaningful with my life, to follow the example of these people and keep them with me always- no matter where I am.

During our staff check in Monday morning I expressed feeling confused by how incredibly happy and at home I am here- because at the same time I am missing home. I feel far away from friends, last semester’s students, my family and my sweet new baby Coop. Sometimes I just look at pictures of him and cry- wishing I was closer and sometimes I spend too much time at the internet wanting to connect to that world. My month at home was an amazing reminder of the support I have there, the amazing friends who I can completely relax and be myself with, be silly and weird and have a blast and also talk about what matters in the world. And sometimes here I am aware of a lack of peers. Living abroad comes with that confusing tension- of missing home, and feeling like this is home, and feeling like my heart exists in multiple places- which makes it hard for it to be fully present in any one place.

On Tuesday I turned 23. I was showered in love and surprises- surrounded by this family and sent so much love from my family a few countries away. It was absolutely wonderful- and I also felt far away. I teared up when I talked to my mom on the phone- even though I haven’t spent a birthday with her in 5 years. And then laid in the hammock with Ella and talked about how we are still in transition to being back here. This place is home in so many ways- but we are still finding our way with our new students, getting to know them, understanding the dynamics and figuring out how to be CC’s in a new context. And I think I was craving the easy, close, completely at home feeling we had at the end of last semester and I have with so many people at home. But then I sat in the garden with Ted and Ella- my rocks here, the most constant and present home and support I have and just the best people in the world. And I skyped with Kylie, Jesse and Cooper and I felt better. We finished the evening with our first spirituality night where students share about their faith journeys and it felt really right to be ringing in the new year that way. That is what I love about this job, that is how we go from strangers to family, how we build community and home- by sharing where we are coming from, listening to each other and really holding each others experience.

Ted asked me how I was feeling about 23 the other day.. and part of me felt frustrated that I don’t feel completely whole and strong and sure about everything in my life, which I think is some silly thing the U.S. tells us is how we should be. I feel a little pulled between two places, fearful and stressed about the future and missing support and relationships that have changed and shifted in the past few weeks. But I think that is actually a really good way for me to go into this year. I am seeing this year as an invitation- to let support in, to be patient, to have faith and trust the way things work. I am on a forever journey of getting to know myself and logically I can tell you all of my strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, challenges, etc- but my heart cant fully live out what I know I need in this life- and I think going into this year a little shaky is an invitation for me to let my heart find its way, to be patient to letting my heart and head come together. I’m not particularly good at letting people support me- and I think this year is an invitation to let people in, to find support internally and externally and not fill voids in unhealthy ways. Its an invitation to dive deeper into my faith, exploring my vocation, understanding how this country will stay with me as I move forward in my life, trusting myself, the people around me and the grace of so much that is beyond my control.

So as I feel simultaneously completely at home and far away from home I will settle into that- knowing that it is just right. Knowing that there is something more out there helping me find my way in this life- and that I am in exactly the right place to continue getting to know my self and my place in this world.