Those of you who know me know that I rarely cry in front of other people... there are a select few who always provide the space for the water works but otherwise I'm surprisingly dry eyed. That changed in my last few weeks there. It all started with our final staff check in. Every other Monday we checked in with the Casa and Romero program staff.. how we are doing personally, whats happening with family, our hearts, everything under the sun. And this past ten months that was easily one of my favorite spaces. We went into check in feeling the pain of the end... not wanting to leave this staff that had become family and incredibly unique work environment where we dedicate time to hearing about how people are really doing. Then the check in's started. People shared about their fears of the gang violence in their neighborhood, families struggles with migrating to the U.S. and all these things about the reality of El Salvador that are so so painful. And when I opened my mouth to share something let loose and I balled my little eyes out. I was so sad to leave them, but even more heart broken that they couldn't leave.. that I would get on a plane and fly away to comfort, security, opportunities and too many things that their families would never fully experience. I cried because they are so stuck, and I am not.. and that is solely because of where I was born. And its just not right. I thanked them, cried too much and tried to pull myself together a little. It could have been embarassing, but it felt so good to feel all that pain and feel it with such an amazing community there by my side. Ted and Ella on the couch with me as always, holding my hand, feeling the pain and knowing that those tears don't come easily. It was such a clear reminder to me of how important that place is, how much I loved that family and how painful leaving really was.
The next day I spent my last day at San Ramon.. one of the two amazing communities I was lucky enough to learn from this semester. It was an extra special day cause Elyse was there visiting and got to join me. We started the morning hiking up the volcano to visit a couple families in the community called La Valencia. We didn't make it up there that many times this year- but everytime we did it filled me with so much life. One particular family- Marta and her 8 kids/grandkids that live with her in their one room house always welcomed us in with open arms. We often took lunch and cooked on their fire, hanging with the kids, playing tag, whatever it might be in the meantime. Then using the buckets as chairs and tortillas as utensils we all squeezed around the tiny table sharing a meal. We talk a lot about making a place at the table for everyone and that is the basis of everything I want to learn and fight for as I carry Casa forward with me. At Marta's house I was always reminded of what it meant, to welcome people in, share a meal, give what little you have and feel this closeness that came so easily. Our final morning there was just like the rest- so comfortable and a reminder of what El Salvador is. What I would give to be back in the simplicty of their home, their love, their commitment to life that is not covered up by anything- raw, real and so ready to be shared.
After lunch we walked down for my final English class- with a group of crazy kids who became so comfortable with each other and me. We laughed, made cards for mothers day, took silly pictures, ate cake and shared something they learned. Teaching English for us at the Casa isn't always about the kids actually learning a ton of English, but more about them feeling like they matter, because too often they are told they don't. And I think we succeeded in doing that and building a community amongst them, a stable space for them to learn some, play some and be kids. I gave them certificates, hugged their moms and thanked them for lighting up my world- and many of them Ill probably never see. But oh how I hope they remember how special they are- intelligent, funny, loving and SO capable of doing whatever they dream.
Finally the women came for our last women's group and wow...what a day. We talked about Mothers Day- a women who has influenced their life. And almost all of them cried, sharing about the good and bad impacts they have had- mothers that left, other women standing in as moms and some who had the mom they deserved. Then what they are proud of- taking that pain and turning it into a love and commitment for their own kids. I thanked them so deeply- for their inspiration, honesty, commitment to keep coming back and for loving me so well. It was beautiful and I will never forget some of their last words as I said goodbye- especially Annita and Maria Teresa. The two women who were my mentors in the community and are two of the most bad ass women I know. Commited to justice, faith, love and all of that in ACTION not just talking but really walking the walk. Learning from them was such a gift and I will forever be changed by their presence in my life. I left feeling full, endlessly grateful and proud... I really gave that community my whole heart and together we built something beautiful. They showed me how much I want to work with Latino women, how important those spaces are. They taught me about faith and justice and how you give yourself to this world. And they made me feel so very at home. I miss them everyday. Their hugs, tears, how they always kept coming back. I can't believe how lucky I was to be apart of that family. Watch Annita welcome EVERYONE in, listen to her stories of the Pequena Comunidad and beginnings of the Christian Base Community. She showed me you can disagree with things about the church but still love and fight for the focus on justice, love and that place at the table for all. Maria T taught me to fight for women, in a context where nobody is, showed me a feistiness I know in myself and how you can use it for something right. And I hope to become some fraction of the women they each are.
These communities taught me so much,let me become me, healed me, opened me and became family. I miss them everyday but will continue to carry them on my heart. Thank you El Salvador for making my family yet again bigger, for letting me fall in love, for teaching me more than I can even say.
More remembering to come later.
