And can easily get lost in his smile and snuggles and sleeping and eating schedule. The perfect way to forget that some big movements are happening on my heart.
Yesterday we went for a long walk and we saw luxury cat boarding and more dry cleaners and beauty salons than I could count. And it all made my stomach hurt a little. It was a hard reminder of what is so often important in this world. It's a strange world we live in where some have so much and others so few, and the jump between the two is pretty jostling.
Before I left I wanted to blog about so many things... The sacred moments that made up the end, our time in Nicaragua, what El Salvador created in me over 10 months. And last night I feel asleep anxious about loosing my closeness to all those things, our year there, my heart that is on fire in that country, my family and that way of living that is so special. I so don't want to let go of it.. And I'm also not succeeding greatly at holding onto it right now. It's too easy to just kind of say this is the transition time and instead of feeling it watch too many episodes of Parenthood, let coop sleep in my lap and never get to close to what my heart felt. But that is terrifying when I stop and see it. Ill never fully know how to do it or understand why exactly we go there or how to bring it back... But I know that I need to hold it and touch it instead of just letting the distractions help me forget about it. I don't want to forget, I want it to be close to me always.
So this morning I read back in my journal about how to transition, read some poetry and some of the notes from the staff to remind me that it's real. But I hate how far away and different it feels. And I know there are connections, and there will be more once I am at BC studying things that are so relevant. But right now I'm scared to let go in a healthy way. And I wanna write about all those amazing moments and re live it all.. And maybe it will come eventually.
But for now I am endlessly grateful for this time with Cooper, Kylie and Jesse. For a wonderful welcome home at SCU where so many ppl just know. And for a bit of awareness that keeps me up at night when I'm slipping. Transitions are hard and weird. And right now beauty salons, luxury cat borders and so many dry cleaners make me wanna rip my hair out. Because the people I love in El Salvador can't even put enough food on the table.. And we can make sure every wrinkle is gone from our shirts and our faces. It just doesn't make sense. But I don't wanna be resentful. I want to keep understanding how I can live in this world with that way of being. How I can stay away from the funny pressures and comparison and whatever else happens here so that I don't get lost in a world of money and dry cleaning, but hold onto and share what actually matters to me.
El Salvador.. Stay with me, guide my steps, I need you.
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