A Manifesto for a New Chapter

I'm on the plane to Boston. The beginning of the flight I put my sweatshirt over my head and cried my little eyes out. Leaving Kylie, Jes and Cooper was really hard. Then I slept for a while and woke up to the most intense turbulence ever... And was telling myself we wouldn't crash, we're good at flying, while squeezing my eyes shut actually terrified I wouldn't make it to Boston. Then I started reading the book "In the Company of the Poor" And felt connected to El Salvador and my choice to go to BC for grad school. Most people don't know this but I'll be studying Social Work and Pastoral Ministry. I usually just say Social Work because I don't want to explain.. And would have never expected to be studying theology.. But here I go. Flying to Boston for a dual degree. 

As I read it reminded me so much how this decision came about. And that although leaving Cooper, Jes, Kylie and The Bay was really freaking heart wrenching it's so right that I am starting this new chapter. In El Salvador I came to understand Liberation Theology- a faith that acts for justice, that makes a preferential option for the poor, that is based in an understanding of God's love and our human responsibility to share that love and fight for justice. That just makes so much sense to me- so much more sense than how I understood the church for so many years pre SCU- judgmental, exclusive, hurtful, aloof. The church I want to be a part of is not like that. And the reason I decided to study Pastoral Ministry- where I will learn how to put faith and theological reflection into action is because I feel like too often the power of the church is used in hurtful ways. And there need to be more people fighting for the poor, for love, justice, equality. And really acting on a daily basis. Thus- Social Work and Pastoral Ministry. What feels like me the perfect combo to help me continue understanding the deep poverty and suffering I encountered in El Salvador, along with the hope, joy and faith that will forever motivate me to fight for something different. Cause the world is not right.

So- as I fly to Boston I am thinking about who I am, what I carry with me and how even though Theology school and the East Coast sometimes feel terrifying I know that I can handle it- and have become a woman who is ready and excited for this next step in this past amazing year of growth, love, challenges and reality. The Casa students write a manifesto towards the end of their time there.. Here is mine. 

I believe that the world is not right- that too many people have way too much, while so many more don't have enough. I believe we have a responsibility to be aware of what we have- and how our privilege, which comes from being born in a certain place, with a certain color of skin, gender, socioeconomic status, etc- is really intertwined in what other people don't have. I believe we have a terrifying ability to create boundaries in our heads- to be in our comfortable worlds and forget about the rest- and that is how these unequal and painful structures continue. 

But I also believe in love and hope and faith. I believe that a different reality is possible- and so many forces- here on earth in the flesh and some we will never know, see or understand are fighting against suffering. The Salvadorans taught me this in their commitment to life, constant struggle for something more and deep deep belief in a God who is with them. I believe that we can work together and find hope, progress and life in that. And while I will die before poverty and suffering are eliminated we can make a dent- a larger dent with the more people that are committed to working TOGETHER- to empowering ourselves and the oppressed to understand that we are ALL worthy of life, happiness, love, safety, health and dignity. 

I have a deep love for and commitment to Latin America. I know that there are so many parts of the world that are in need- but the personal connection I have fuels my fire, gives me hope and energy to keep fighting. And I love working together with people who's passion lies somewhere else, learning from them and the comradaree that comes in a common struggle for something better.

I want to work with women. I saw the pain, mistreatment, feeling of being forgotten, left behind and less than that women in El Salvador experience so deeply. And I know that women across the world feel that. I believe in fighting for equality- standing up against what the world tells women we should be. Joining forces with other women to remember we are more than our looks, our ability to take care of others, our endlessly hard working cores- we are more than what the idea of a woman is too often belittled too. We are strong, intelligent, loving, independent and we also need each other- we need love, care, affirmation, recognition for our souls, our brains, our hearts and our bodies too.

I believe in family. The ones who we share blood with and those we do not. I believe we need each other- we need to call people and receive phone calls just to say I love you. We need to show up. We need to laugh together, cry together and be vulnerable with each other. We need our pains and joys to be heard and affirmed. We need companions in this life. And we need to see each other, sacrifice for each other, listen to each other and have balanced give and take relationships. 

I believe in community. People to hold us accountable, make us laugh, remind us what is important in this world and bring about joy, hope and faith in times when the darkness in our world is overwhelming.

I believe in vulnerability. And believe that too often pride, fear, society- so many things get in the way of it. I spent so many years of my life convincing the world I was ok, my world was ok and I didn't need anyone. And boy was I wrong. I believe that if we were more honest about our pains, fears and needs we would be so much healthier. We would share the burden and take care of each other instead of hiding and turning to unhealthy vices to survive, to be ok, to fake it til we make it. I believe we should be honest when relationships aren't quite right, we should be honest when we aren't being our best, we should let our feelings show and feel them instead of always being strong and ok. And I believe that is so much easier said than done ;)

I believe every single one of us has a story and a universe inside of us. One filled with pain, joy, memories, people, hopes and fears that make us who we are and lead us to act how we do- sometimes in beautiful ways and other times hurtful ways. But I believe if we remember that everyone is coming from their own story and experiences we can all have more compassion- talk through these hurts and overcome painful patterns caused by painful pasts so that we can all live and love better. I believe in therapy to do that- I believe everyone should go and that the stigma around it is such a barrier to living life more fully.

I believe in spending time outside, soaking in fresh air and the beauty of this planet. I believe in putting my toes in the ocean, smelling flowers, skipping through fields and plunging in freezing cold water. I believe in exercise- because it nourishes my body, reminds me of my strength and ability- and also my weakness. I believe in good food. I believe that everyone should have access to all these things- and am heart broken that so many people don't.

I believe in God. A god that loves me unconditionally and loves every single person unconditionally. A god that wants me to fight to bring that love to everyone. A god that wants justice and needs people to be his/her hands and heart in making his/her dream a reality. I believe in a god that is not judgmental, that wants women to have equal opportunities in the church, that believes everyone has the right to love and marry whoever they want, that the poor deserve the upmost care, concern, love and empowering relationships to bring them out of suffering. That we are all equally deserving of love and life. That we don't mess up as much as the church/ bible say we mess up. That is forgiving. That is present. A god that is understood differently by every single person across the globe but is the same source of love, life and hope.

I believe in me. The suffering I have overcome. The courage I have had in doing that. My ability to love, create community, hold people's joys and sufferings and love with my whole heart. I believe in my decision to come to Boston- to study theology even though I am terrified I don't know enough. I believe in my experiences and relationships as deep knowledge. My love of learning and desire to understand. And I believe in my commitment to justice- love- life- equality for EVERY SINGLE person as enough to help me when I am lost in the next three years. I believe these degrees will help me better understand how to fight for justice and love. I believe in my voice, my ability to stick to and stand up for what I believe- to be radical and misunderstood in order to fight for the people I love. I believe I will hold tight onto the friendships I will be far away from. And the friendships I will make. I believe I deserve deep, equal, honest, healthy love. I believe in who I am coming into this new chapter and the growth that will cause continued becoming.

And I can't wait to see what the future holds. So- here's to goodbyes, terrifying flights, books and new chapters that make you think about who you are. Here's to a new adventure. To being courageous, honest, radical, brave and deeply loving. 

Dear Cooper

My sweet Cooper,

     Right now you are in my arms cuddling with Lamby and your blanket groaning. You always groan before you fall asleep.. It's like sleep is painful or you just have really bad F.O.M.O. We joke about it hoping you'll grow out of it before the kids can make fun of you. It's actually pretty adorable though. And snuggling with you right before you fall asleep is about the best thing in the world. Today I've had trouble moving you to your crib. My chances to snuggle with you while you sleep are limited.. Our summer together is coming to an end in just a couple days. And I can't believe how quickly my eyes fill with tears everytime I think about leaving you.

This summer with you has been such an incredible gift. And I feel the luckiest to have spent three months going for long walks, watching you grow and rolling around with you on the floor. When you were born in time for me to meet you before going back to El Salvador I was over the moon.. I needed to know you before leaving for four months. And before going to grad school for three years this summer has given me the chance to really get to know all your quirks and the complete joy that you are for this family. You are so perfect- funny, curious, inquisitive, joyful, smart, brave and charismatic as mama said a while ago. And you have filled my heart with so so much joy these past three months.

Watching you grow and learn has been so neat. When I first got here you were a completely different boy. Still a baby.. Now you are a little boy. This summer I have watched you learn to roll both ways. Take long naps in your crib. Sit up. Eat solid food. Start to babble your heart out. Fall in love with your Lamby. Give out endless smiles to everyone you meet. Giggle. Recognize people. And just recently pull yourself up to stand!  Your mommy and I talk about how you are the only baby we can both just watch for hours and hours and never get bored. Every facial expression, sound, movement and moment with you is mesmerizing, interesting and hillarious. I can't tell you how much joy you bring to our lives.

Some of my favorite Cooperisms are the way you will raise your eyebrows and smile when I look at you. The grin you greet me with every morning when mommy and daddy bring you out to me. Your giggle. The way you jump at every chance you can. In anyone's arms, on laps, when I hold your hands and you stand on the floor and in your jumpers. This new hilllarious thing you do when you puff out your cheeks, purse your lips and blow air out your nose- you look completely ridiculous and I laugh so hard everytime you do it. The huge grins you give me when we go for runs and I stop to check in on you and how very much you love to be outside. I love how cute you are in your footy pajamas and when your sleeves are rolled up and you look like a little man. The big grin you get when you swing. And lately how active, brave, and curious you are in crawling and pulling yourself up on things.

Another amazing part of this summer has been seeing how very very much your mommy and daddy love you. You are their whole wide world and they would give everything to make sure you are happy and healthy. Both of them were made to be parents and watching them with you has been so neat. Your daddy loves to take you outside with him, snuggle with you, watch you grow and learn and thinks you are so funny. Daddy gets to work from home a lot and loves coming out to hang out with you for a few minutes or having you come in and help him work. As you grow up he will have so many important things to teach you. He is the wisest most loving man I know and we are both so lucky to have him to look up to. Your mommy has the biggest soft spot in her heart for you and leaving you to go back to work was so so hard. She wants to be with you every minute and is spending lots of time trying to figure out the best way to do it. She too thinks you are so so funny. Snuggling with you is one of her favorite things and watching you jump, crawl and play too. I love to see you two reading books together when she comes home from work and when she gives you a bath you just love it. Both of them want to let you see the whole world, take you with them to the beach and the mountains and to play with friends. Your life will not have a lack of love and fun in it. But they also will have important rules to keep you safe. They both worry about you a lot and will always have your happiness and health as their first priority, I can see how deeply they love you everytime they look at you. You are really lucky to have absolutely incredible parents. They really wanna be the best parents possible and are so ready to learn and grow with you. They also make the best team and always take turns with you even though they both want every minute with you. Most the time they agree on exactly how to be your parents and when they don't they compromise and each of their opinions creates the perfect balance. They are the best!

There are so many people in this world that love you Coop. You have a big family of cousins and aunts and uncles on both sides who just wanna squeeze you. You are lucky you get to spend so much time with family and with all of mommy and daddy's awesome friends. You stole the hearts of all my friends too and everyone loves following #onedaywewillrootforcoop.The hashtag that mommy and daddy's friend Emily came up with and is full of cute pictures of you.

Sometimes I see your uncle Eric in you. I don't have my own memories of him but I think you look like his baby pictures. Mama says sometimes she catches you talking to him. I think he's probably a part of you and always there watching out for you just like your Grampy Skip.

We have taken a few trips to Tenesse Valley beach where you like to play with the dark pebbly sand and watched a kite fly the other day. We go to the library sometime for story time where you are so curious about the other kids. We pretty much always stay in our pajamas longer than is socially acceptable but we love our cozy mornings. You have made my runs much more enjoyable and know the Mill Valley path so well- even though lots of times you like to nap while we run. More than anything else we have spent hours waking down Sycamore into downtown where we go to the depot or window shop, go to Old Mill park and meet lots of friends. Everyone thinks you are the cutest baby ever especially when you flash them your award winning grin. We've had a really relaxing summer which has been so special for your Aunt Shelly. And is good for both of us cause next week we both start a new chapter! You will go to daycare a couple doors down and I'm flying far far away to Boston. 

I wish I was going to be closer and am so heart broken to leave you. But am so grateful for our time together, the special bond we have created and to be your Aunty. I promise I will be back in three years to be close to you. And until then just tell mommy and daddy you want to face time everyday and come visit your Aunt Shelly.

I love you forever and ever Coop and will miss you so much. Sorry about all the tears that will probably land on you when we are saying goodbye. You have completely stolen my heart and I don't want to miss a moment. You change so fast and I know when I see you next you will be walking and talking. Thanks for giving me the best love ever and filling my transition home with love and joy. You are the sweetest, cutest, happiest boy that ever lived and I love you so much!

With all my love,

Aunt Shelly

Cheers To Trena and Kevin

A year ago today my journey as a CC began when the students arrived in El Salvador. I woke up this morning and saw a facebook post from one of them and felt the sting of nostalgia deep in my heart. Nostalgia is a weird thing to feel- and I feel it all the time for that place, my year there and everything I learned.

Two weeks ago I was in Hastings, MI for a CC reunion at Trena (one of my bosses) family's farm. One night when all 9 past CC's who could make it were together we toasted to Trena and Kevin. In that moment it was for their amazing parenting and all that they have taught us about parenting, family and love. I've been meaning to write something in their honor since I got back, today seems like a fitting day.

Trena and Kevin met at Miami of Ohio getting their masters in Human Development and after that went to Boston College for a 2nd masters in Pastoral Ministry. Then spent two years in Belize as Jesuit Volunteers and came back in search of their next step. After reaching out to a bunch of jesuits they were put into contact with Fr. Dean Brackely- an American Jesuit who moved to El Salvador after the six Jesuits were brutally murdered by the Salvadoran army during the civil war. Dean Brackley had accompanied numerous delegations to El Salvador and dreamt of something more long term and Tre and Kev were looking to start something similar to JVI for college students- so the Casa program was born.

They moved to El Salvador 15 years ago, came home to have two of their daughters and had the last two in El Salvador but have raised all four of them there. They have built the most amazing program I've ever known and this past year became family. It was SUCH an amazing gift to have them be my first bosses out of college- and probably set the standard way too high. Their ability to accompany us as CC's is incredible and I learned so much from them. They have a staff of 15 Salvadorans plus all the community partners they work with and have created a work environment that is so special and unprecedented in a country like El Salvador. Every other Monday we had a staff check in- a space to talk about how each member of the staff is doing completely separate from work- we cried, laughed and spilled our guts in these check ins. For people's birthday's we took turns affirming them to celebrate their presence in our life and once a semester we had a staff outing where all the staff members and their family are invited for a day of relaxing, spending time together and celebrating all the work they do. So many up and coming companies like Google are all about creating work life balance and attracting people to come work at their business by treating people like humans instead of just workers. Tre and Kev were way ahead of the game and by allowing their staff to become family, to bring their personal life to work and to really feel at home will have many of their same staff members the entire time the Casa exists- its a beautiful thing and an environment I too hope to create for people someday.

The learning curve as a CC is steep- it is so hard to know how you are doing and personally first semester I was CONSTANTLY questioning myself and my ability to accompany the students the best I possibly could. But after 15 years of doing it they give the best advice while also trusting us and giving us the space to figure some of it out on our own. During a particularly hard week we would often go over for a glass of wine and a mindless tv show or just sit around and chat for hours at the kitchen table. We played games and laughed so hard we cried, planned their daughter's birthday parties, spent days at the beach and had weekly one on ones to talk through the emotional roller coaster that is being a CC and living in El Salvador.

Watching them as parents is one of the most meanigful experiences of family and parenting I have ever had. The way they include their girls in the Casa, love and respond to each of them so differently just how they each need, talk honestly, work through conflict, expose them to the world and share them with so many people blew my mind. Their four girls are the sweetest, silliest little women and became little sisters during our time there that were so hard to say goodbye to. Tre would share with us the challenges and joys of being a mom- reminding us how important the job of parenting is, giving us advice we joked we would put in our list of things to remember and teaching us how to be good mom's just by witnessing. Such an incredible gift.

And two weeks ago they had the 2nd annual CC reunion- because you really become family and having a chance to be back together with them and the girls is so so special and important. I am endlessly grateful for their presence in my life. SO inspired by who each of them are- their commitment to justice, faith, equality, their families, the Salvadoran's, the Casa and continously learning, dreaming and building the Casa into a better experience for students and staff alike.

So here's to Trena and Kevin- to a year of learning from them, and to their new group of students and CC's that have the chance to learn from them now. Thank you for all that you do!