Square Peg in a Round Hole

Back in Boston. Back to the quick moving, alarms that go off to early, filling my brain with knowledge, sitting in classrooms overwhelmed with emotion and the joy of the community that has become home here. A friend talked about the sensation of leaving home and arriving at another home. Feels like the story of my life. When I landed in Boston I saw another BC Grad Student in the airport and it filled my heart, as I drove to my house knowing the way, recognizing buildings, memories in places we passed I felt a comfort that I didn't have last semester. A comfort of familiarity that still isn't the level of home in Colorado or the Bay but that reminds me of the ways this will continue to become home. The best thing about this place is the community we have built, thanks to the STM and its focus on community and the caliber of people it attracts who can talk about the biggest life questions and laugh til we cry, stay up too late and sometimes just let it all go.

I've wanted to write a million different blogs since I got back a week and a half ago and haven't been able to focus on one thing or find the time to sit down and let the words come together cause again my head is spinning with thoughts and questions and emotion, and again it doesn't quite feel like there is time to make sense of it all.

Every Thursday we have all school liturgy- it's usually mass, I sometimes struggle, often miss Santa Clara masses and Celebrations of the Word in San Ramon but always love the community that fill the pews next to me. Yesterday was the first I've been at since being back and it was an Ecumenical Prayer Service for Christian Unity. A woman presided and told the story of the woman at the well from a perspective of strength, curiosity and willingness to ask the hard questions to the people who see her as other. Seeing a woman up there, telling a story about the strength and independence of a woman moved me in a way that reminded me how always hearing a male voice doesn't move me. It was beautiful and painful and knocked me back into this world of trying to understand.. Why I am here? How do I fit in? What am I fighting for? And how much do I have in me to really fight when I could just go somewhere else where the progress I am so looking for has already been realized? One of my dearest friends sat next to me throughout the liturgy wiping tears away, asking the same questions, feeling that explosion of gratitude mixed with frustration that is most deeply felt not in the moments where we are surrounded by patriarchy and male voices but in the moments where a female voice surprises us, speaks to our hearts in a way a male voice often cannot. The response of so many incredible, strong, full hearted women was palpable in the air and that is what keeps me afloat here.

My theology classes this semester are Integrating Faith, Counseling & Services of Justice, Job and Suffering and Theological Anthropology of the Body. My month at home was a month of "I'm getting my MSW" with no mention of the other degree that takes up so much of my time, energy and heart- a Masters in Theology and Ministry. I haven't figured out how it all fits into me and still don't feel sure of articulating it to others. These classes, again, are exposing me to the problems AND the possibilities of this faith that has become some confusing part of me over the years. We are digging deep into the meaning of it all, looking at how it functions, the disparities between what we say and what we do and the ways we as ministers can use it for healing and liberation rather than oppression, control and judgment. It's hard to defend something I'm not totally sure of but Catholic Social Teaching, commentaries on suffering, ministry to the poor, hospitality and an unconditionally loving God who is not simply a white, man in the sky are values that have become part of who I am.

At the service yesterday students from different faith traditions poured water into the fountain, symbolizing the beauty of all of us coming together, then they presented objects symbolizing the gifts brought by each of these traditions. In a lot of my world even having a faith is something that boggles people's minds- that's the one part of this all I am sure of- there is something bigger than me out there. There is a resiliency, hope, strength, mystery in this world- especially amidst deep suffering that is bigger than humans, I found that in my own suffering and even stronger in the suffering of the Salvadoran people. The rest I am trying to make sense of. And I am trying to makes sense of all the different fonts of water that have been poured into me to make me Michelle- how they all come together into a fountain of life, strength, passion that is motivating me to be on this sometimes hopeless path of being honest about reality and committing myself to justice.

You can't fit a square peg into a round hole.. and maybe that's what's pulling me in ways that feel frustrating and leave me hopeless and up spinning at night. Maybe its not about figuring out how to fit into some mold that has been provided by the world to me. A mold of Catholic or not, committed to justice or not, living simply or not, consumerism or not, who I am in El Salvador or who I am in the US, suffering or joy. I KNOW this world is not black and white..my mom drilled that into my head years and years ago when she started to explain to me the pain she felt when people said "Everything happens for a reason or God only gives you what you can handle" after she lost her son. When I started trying to understand why on earth life had to be so hard for her when I knew it my heart of hearts she deserved none of it. I know that the pain caused by those black and white beliefs is part of the reason I'm here. Because when we understand that the gray is the only place we can really live, and each of our lives becomes a different shape that doesn't fit the triangle or the square or the circle- we have to work together to make sense of where we land, to hold each other up when nothing seems quite right. I want to walk with people in that. I want to love people when nothing make sense, look for comfort and hope when there isn't any, and take the pieces of all the different fonts of water that have poured into me and let them swirl together into something that doesn't make any sense.. but that's why its beautiful.

So this semester instead of trying to fit into some mold that has been held up for me by the world. There are so many- so many shapes different people seem to think are right. But I cant fit anyone else's shape- I have to be my own, find my own and create my own. I will take what I like and leave what I don't.. and continue looking for places and people that fill the empty spaces. But more importantly I will try to remember that that is ok- that is beautiful- that is what this world needs, because it's all too complex to be some simple make up of square, triangle and circle blocks dropped in a bin to all fit together.

Letting the Journey Unfold: A Reminder from the Fog

I sat on the bus this morning looking out across the bay in search of the big red bridge… the bridge I used to know as a symbol of San Francisco, that I played under when I visited Jesse in 8^th grade and then went to  on crutches when I visited him Senior year of high school. The bridge that I took visitors to during my time at Santa Clara, went for runs by from Jesse and Kylies condo and then this summer drove back and forth over again and again. That bridge screams home now, familiarity, beauty and that amazing quick hop from city to wide open beautiful spaces. I miss those wide open spaces. I wanted to post a picture of it as I flew away, one of my oh too typical sappy statuses about leaving a place and the people I love… and out the window all I could see was fog. The tears in my eyes, butterflies in my stomach, dancing between the hurt of leaving and knowing I’m leaving, going to a good place and cant get lost in my emotions all settled for a minute.. settled into what the fog has been a symbol of these past few months- the unknown, and trusting in that. A few months ago I stayed up all night with my head spinning, popped up early to go for a run in search of some sanity and on my regular run around the reservoir I couldn’t see a thing- just fog. I could only see five feet in front of me, and that is exactly what I needed. To stop looking forward, wondering, analyzing, agonizing and just be in the what is here and now- knowing that what comes tomorrow and the rest of forever is way more unknown than I let myself believe.

And this morning-  I needed that reminder. I had a dreamy week in the Bay. I absolutely love it there. I felt relaxed, grounded, thoughtful, inspired, surrounded by love, held, at home and whole. Sunday night mass at Santa Clara felt nourishing instead of just challenging, time with friends that are so comfortable I could completely relax, time outside in the sunshine and open spaces where my bones weren’t frigid and I wasn’t surrounded by people and buildings and lots of really really special time with my family- my little tribe who I really want my whole life to be about. Cooper and I took walks, rolled around on the floor, stayed in our pajamas too late, giggled, cuddled and got right back into spending hours together. And this morning when Jesse walked him into his room for his nap my eyes filled with tears- tears I had no control over. I spent a lot of my life having so much control over my emotions- that those overwhelming moments of ouch sometimes catch me by surprise, but I’m also thankful for them. I love that little guy a whole lot- a special kind of love that I can only imagine will multiply so much when it is my own child- but that blood bond is extra special. Its hard to be far away from him, know that he will keep growing so much and I will pop in and out every six months. But this time there also reminded me that our bond is cemented in and it doesn’t take long for him to refamiliarize with me, and lean his head against me when someone he doesn’t know walks in. He knows I’m safe and everything about him- his giggle, his smirk, his waddle, babbling, stubbornness, snuggles and sweetness, fill my heart with joy.

And being on the other side of the country from him, Jesse and Kylie, so many wonderful friends and a place that feels like home is not my favorite thing. But it’s the way it is right now- for good reason, for a good place, for something that I care about. It doesn’t feel 100% right there yet. And I spent a lot of this break trying to make sense of that- what’s missing? How much of it is it just being a new place? Being in grad school? Being 23 and trying to figure out who I am? I’m going back to a place I know, friends who know me, a routine, a home, so much familiar goodness- and to a semester that is full of surprises. I have no idea what is going to come out of these next four months, and next two and a half years. And while I gather reminders of what it is I need to make a place feel like home, I also am asking again and again for patience and trust in letting Boston and this time be whatever it’s supposed to be.

I’m excited to go back to my wonderful little home, my sweet Sophia sisters, the amazing group of friends we’ve found. To classes that stretch me. To a sense of purpose, potential, growth and the feeling of learning, stretching my heart and brain that is so electrifying. I’m grateful to get back to my space, my routine, a new job working with homeless women that will inspire me and connect me to reality, yoga classes, reservoir runs, a city that still has so much to be explored and so many things I can not yet see. Talking to Ella in the airport we talked about advice someone gave her to just be- not analyze, not question, just be- for one month. And I think that’s really good advice- that is easier said than done. This is a super privileged time- and while I want to keep finding ways to fill in the gaps, I also want to let it unfold, and let myself settle in.

As I walk into my second semester of Grad School I bring an awareness of some missing pieces, a need to nourish my soul in light hearted ways more, a pang of missing what is familiar. I am in touch with how lucky I am to be here- in a new place, learning so much, letting life unfold as it does. And I will keep remembering the fog- trusting in the unknown, and being patient as I find what is waiting for me along the journey.

Reveling in What is Awe-some in 2015

I spent New Years Eve day with my sweet little cousin Mekenna and my aunt Joan. She's 15 and we have the most honest conversations about growing up, love, life, dreams, fears- its a special relationship. I fell asleep to her reading buzz feed after joking with her that Buzz Feed is polluting her brain. I mean really- how many lists of "10 ways to find love" "50 things to do before your 30" "100 things to learn in your 20's" can we read- and what are we actually getting out of them? The internet is an interesting place- such quick access to information and thought sharing can be enlightening and inspiring. But I also think all these buzzfeed lists can almost be anxiety provoking- who are we supposed to be at this moment in our life and what do we have to figure out in the next x amount of years to fit in in this world. Do we really need more fear of not being on the same page or fitting in in the world? Especially for 15 year old girls, and 23 year olds too. One of these lists we read together is  "25 Unnecessary Attachments Carefree People Don't Have". Of course we all want to be care free- isn't that the dream? Some of the advice was good.. but the concept- I'm not sure about. When one of my students was leaving El Salvador I reminded her "have a care" and have been on a journey of caring about this deeply broken world and the people around me without being paralyzed for years now. But that extreme also doesn't seem to be working for me.

One of the "unnecessary attachments" is nostalgia. And that has stuck with me since I read it the semi insightful article about things to let go of. I have always been excessively nostalgic. I love change, I love new, I love adventures but I also hold onto memories of the past and goodness in the present pretty tight- struggling to let go, missing constantly and always remembering. Sometimes it definitely gets in the way of the present, but not always- its given me an ability to understand my story, see where I've come from and who has shaped me which gives me insight into where I am going. I'm in the Bay right now spending my days cuddling with Coop, playing at the park and seeing friends at night. We celebrated Cooper's first birthday on Sunday and I remembered the emotional roller coaster that was this time last year, a hard goodbye followed by the most special hello to our little man. Then I went to Santa Clara for Sunday night mass and lots of good time with my Casa crew and people who have formed me at Santa Clara. Sitting on my favorite bench in the sunshine I reminisced on my time there, how comfortable I feel in that sweet little community that held me, shaped me and allowed for such growth and change in me. And in some ways the nostalgia is overwhelming, and leaves me yearning for the past in a way I probably shouldn't. But Im still not convinced we should completely throw it out the window, but maybe thats me holding on too tight.

Then a friend sent me this article "For The Free Spirited Females With Fiercely Sensitive Hearts". And while it wavers on the edge of a little too cheesy- there are some serious truths in it. Truths I am trying to make sense of right now, parts of me that I am trying to live into and figure out how to make the best of, how to nourish and how to grow in at this time of change, new, growth and this past month of being in different homes, feeling excessively nostalgic and understanding the new world I have left these ones for. It articulates well this balance of being care free and light hearted and being deeply in touch with the pains of the world, of loving fully, of seeing all that is and of nourishing our souls. And these weeks of quiet, space from school, time with soul friends and soaking up the California sunshine have helped me see there has been a lack of soul nourishing these last few months.

In one of our many figuring out the world's problems conversations, I told a friend "I need to revel in what is awesome about this world more". I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me say it- I feel like a broken record.. but the not okness of this world is weighing me down. And if I plan to give my whole heart and life to fighting for justice, putting myself in communities on the fringes of society, listening to the hurt and injustice experienced by people and working for something better... I have to start figuring out how to carry this load with a little more grace and a little bit of a lighter heart because otherwise I'm going to crumble under this weight. I'm terrified of loosing sight of whats real, I want to be honest about how messed up the world is always- because I think if not I can forget my responsibility, my passion, my burning desire to make a difference in this world. But also- I have to trust that I won't loose that awareness and spend more time having moments of overwhelming amazement, connectedness, gratitude, joy and awe. Because I know this world is full of good- and if you scroll back a couple years on this blog you'd find a girl who did nothing but praise all the beauty in her world. Even though I have gotten closer to whats hard that beauty hasn't gone anywhere- its just a matter of taking time to celebrate it.

So while being nostalgic may not be the perfect way to spend my time, this week its helping me remember what made this place feel like home, reminding me what it is I need to fill my soul, take care of my heart that hurts for the world and hopefully I can take that back to my new home and keep filling in the spaces, because there are still some empty ones. So as I walk slowly into 2015 my intention is for light heartedness, reveling in what is awe-some and finding ways to nourish my sensitive heart, so it can keep on giving to this world. Cheers to 2015 and all the unknown beauty it has to offer each and everyone of us.