I spent New Years Eve day with my sweet little cousin Mekenna and my aunt Joan. She's 15 and we have the most honest conversations about growing up, love, life, dreams, fears- its a special relationship. I fell asleep to her reading buzz feed after joking with her that Buzz Feed is polluting her brain. I mean really- how many lists of "10 ways to find love" "50 things to do before your 30" "100 things to learn in your 20's" can we read- and what are we actually getting out of them? The internet is an interesting place- such quick access to information and thought sharing can be enlightening and inspiring. But I also think all these buzzfeed lists can almost be anxiety provoking- who are we supposed to be at this moment in our life and what do we have to figure out in the next x amount of years to fit in in this world. Do we really need more fear of not being on the same page or fitting in in the world? Especially for 15 year old girls, and 23 year olds too. One of these lists we read together is "25 Unnecessary Attachments Carefree People Don't Have". Of course we all want to be care free- isn't that the dream? Some of the advice was good.. but the concept- I'm not sure about. When one of my students was leaving El Salvador I reminded her "have a care" and have been on a journey of caring about this deeply broken world and the people around me without being paralyzed for years now. But that extreme also doesn't seem to be working for me.
One of the "unnecessary attachments" is nostalgia. And that has stuck with me since I read it the semi insightful article about things to let go of. I have always been excessively nostalgic. I love change, I love new, I love adventures but I also hold onto memories of the past and goodness in the present pretty tight- struggling to let go, missing constantly and always remembering. Sometimes it definitely gets in the way of the present, but not always- its given me an ability to understand my story, see where I've come from and who has shaped me which gives me insight into where I am going. I'm in the Bay right now spending my days cuddling with Coop, playing at the park and seeing friends at night. We celebrated Cooper's first birthday on Sunday and I remembered the emotional roller coaster that was this time last year, a hard goodbye followed by the most special hello to our little man. Then I went to Santa Clara for Sunday night mass and lots of good time with my Casa crew and people who have formed me at Santa Clara. Sitting on my favorite bench in the sunshine I reminisced on my time there, how comfortable I feel in that sweet little community that held me, shaped me and allowed for such growth and change in me. And in some ways the nostalgia is overwhelming, and leaves me yearning for the past in a way I probably shouldn't. But Im still not convinced we should completely throw it out the window, but maybe thats me holding on too tight.
Then a friend sent me this article "For The Free Spirited Females With Fiercely Sensitive Hearts". And while it wavers on the edge of a little too cheesy- there are some serious truths in it. Truths I am trying to make sense of right now, parts of me that I am trying to live into and figure out how to make the best of, how to nourish and how to grow in at this time of change, new, growth and this past month of being in different homes, feeling excessively nostalgic and understanding the new world I have left these ones for. It articulates well this balance of being care free and light hearted and being deeply in touch with the pains of the world, of loving fully, of seeing all that is and of nourishing our souls. And these weeks of quiet, space from school, time with soul friends and soaking up the California sunshine have helped me see there has been a lack of soul nourishing these last few months.
In one of our many figuring out the world's problems conversations, I told a friend "I need to revel in what is awesome about this world more". I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me say it- I feel like a broken record.. but the not okness of this world is weighing me down. And if I plan to give my whole heart and life to fighting for justice, putting myself in communities on the fringes of society, listening to the hurt and injustice experienced by people and working for something better... I have to start figuring out how to carry this load with a little more grace and a little bit of a lighter heart because otherwise I'm going to crumble under this weight. I'm terrified of loosing sight of whats real, I want to be honest about how messed up the world is always- because I think if not I can forget my responsibility, my passion, my burning desire to make a difference in this world. But also- I have to trust that I won't loose that awareness and spend more time having moments of overwhelming amazement, connectedness, gratitude, joy and awe. Because I know this world is full of good- and if you scroll back a couple years on this blog you'd find a girl who did nothing but praise all the beauty in her world. Even though I have gotten closer to whats hard that beauty hasn't gone anywhere- its just a matter of taking time to celebrate it.
So while being nostalgic may not be the perfect way to spend my time, this week its helping me remember what made this place feel like home, reminding me what it is I need to fill my soul, take care of my heart that hurts for the world and hopefully I can take that back to my new home and keep filling in the spaces, because there are still some empty ones. So as I walk slowly into 2015 my intention is for light heartedness, reveling in what is awe-some and finding ways to nourish my sensitive heart, so it can keep on giving to this world. Cheers to 2015 and all the unknown beauty it has to offer each and everyone of us.
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