Recuerdos del Pueblo Salvadoreño

Seven years ago I went to El Salvador for the first time bright eyed and bushy tailed and absolutely clueless as to what would come from my time there. At some point I changed the title of this blog to Abre Mi Corazon, something I was reminded of by a photo book my sister in law made for me with the same title. This week I had the chance to go back yet again, but this time to celebrate and commemorate the end of the program that brought me there in the first place and back again for an entire year. And this week I was reminded exactly why that phrase, that petition asking El Salvador to open my heart, was so poignant then, and is still just as poignant today.

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation about my work. I find that sometimes I get wrapped up in the high paced, busy, and even medical model of my clinic and my work becomes "just a job". When truly, for me, this work is so much more. It is a vocation. It is a calling that is rooted so deeply in the ways El Salvador has opened me, changed me, and propelled me into a life committed to something more. In this conversation I reflected back on the ways I felt so open hearted, so present, and so deeply connected to the people of El Salvador. I remembered sitting in plastic chairs in the homes of people I had never met, conversations while we helped cook and over lunch with the people who became like family, and then an entire year of this way of being with the staff, with my students, and in the multiple communities who had welcomed me in. I felt so full of life after every conversation, even when there was so much tragedy and so much of what we talked about was painful. There was a texture to my presence, to those relationships and moments that was so sacred and moved me into this work. Yet too often I feel distant from that. In a glimpse of momentary wisdom in this conversation a few weeks ago, I reflected "I think I doubt my ability to open my heart in that way again and again, day after day"

I paused, surprised at the truth in that statement. When I see 5 sometimes 10 clients in a day I doubt my ability to be present and open with every single one of them. But when I allow myself to be fully present, to let down some walls, and not think about all the other things I need to do, there is a palpable difference in our conversations.

Then this week I went to El Salvador. I walked off of the plane into the shocking humidity, the smell of burning trash, surrounded by people asking me if I wanted a taxi. And right away I felt different in my entire being. Again and again I spoke with other people about the same feeling, there were 85 alums of the Casa program gathered to celebrate its nearly 20 years of presence in El Salvador, and every single person I talked to noted this "special thing" about being in that country. I automatically feel my heart expand, no longer doubting my ability to be open, present, vulnerable and loving with every single person I encounter. The Salvadorans model this openness and invite me into it. I walk right into conversations and instead of performance and fake smiles and trying to be something people say things like "things are really bad, I wish I could say they are good but they are really hard" and tears stream freely from peoples eyes as we acknowledge situations that are not what anyone would hope for, yet are only inviting greater resilience and strength. As I am surrounded by people who live with their hearts wide open, mine simultaneously follows suite. I feel everything deeper: sadness, joy, fear, frustration, excitement. And most importantly, I feel so much more deeply myself, which allows me to love more fully, dream bigger, and walk through the world with a completely different posture.

Part of me feels frustrated and sad that feeling and living in that way in my daily life is so challenging. Yet another part of me completely understands why and was acutely aware of the ways individualism, capitalism, and all sorts of values and stories of this country work on me, making it hard to live out the values that come so naturally in  El Salvador. But mostly, I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude for the reminder. There have been many times when I go to El Salvador and all I want is to move back, feeling like that is the only way to live in the unique and amazing way the country allows me to live. And that was absolutely still present in my mind, dreaming of ways that could be possible, wondering if that is actually the call. But I don't think it is, I think the call is to be here, to keep working hard to live those values, to feel that openness and authenticity more present and to do so with the support of people right here.

I came back feeling so inspired. So very reminded of the goodness of the Casa program, el pueblo Salvadoreno and totally clear how my year there led me to where I am now, and full of desires and dreams about how to keep being the bridge.

One of those ways is to write more. As a practice of attention, self care, spiritual reflection, and prayer. Yet also as a way to share stories of pain, trauma, and injustice that I have the privilege of hearing while uplifting the values I so deeply admire that rise above the pain and suffering.  My Salvadoran family reminded me yet again how important it is to be in touch with the reality around us. So- with the inspiration of this past week, some encouragement from a dear friend, and something that has been nagging at me for a while, I am hoping to get back to this being a regular practice. In the meantime I am dreaming up some big ideas for more concrete, real life ways to bring some of what the Casa has taught me home. Stay tuned.