"You are so alive" said Clarita "How did you know?" I asked while my brain caught up thinking "oh thats what this feeling is...this feeling of soaking up every ounce of beauty, wanting to call everyone I love and tell them just how much they mean to me, feeling connected to humanity and just excited for this life" Clarita would know... she watched me come alive.. and saw me the most alive Id ever been in Cedro. She's seen me at my highest and lowest and she just knows... so thanks for the words mujer.
This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.
Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel. The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us.
I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.
I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there... sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.
Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.
I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Vamos a pasearnos
"Vamos a pasearnos" they keep saying... what the heck does pasearnos mean? They can't really ever explain it.. just "vamos a pasearnos" Slowly I've learned to stop asking exactly what we are going to do when we are going to "pasearnos".. I've started to find a balance of when to ask questions and when to just wait and see... this is a wait and see occasion.
Pasear literally means "to walk" but it is used more so kind of as "to hang out". Sometimes it means we are going to get in the car and cruise around Oviedo with music blasting and the windows down, sometimes it means we are going to sit outside and drink terere (cold mate), every now and then it might mean going for a walk and this past weekend it meant going to Mass in another city and then stopping at seemingly every single family members house to say hello.
Basically it means we are going to be together.. doing what exactly is another story, but lately that doesn't matter as much because I so appreciate the time to just be together. In all this time paseandonos these relationships have been deepening and finding their way into my heart. The time we've spent "paseando" has started to make this place feel like home and today when I think about getting on a plane in two weeks it tugs on my heart strings a little.
Nina Eludia is the cleaning lady in the office and since the beginning I had a feeling she'd be someone I'd come to love. She's like the mama of the office, asking how everyone is, giving advice when we need it and going out to get everyone breakfast in the morning. Lately I've been going with her to get breakfast to curb my boredom in the office and to take advantage of some one on one time with this incredible loving mujer. She asks me about my life and tells me about hers and we just pasearnos. But from that little time together I feel so much closer to her. She tells me about her kids and how she used to live in Asuncion when there were just cows and not so much noise. She asks if my life is rushed at home, about school and if I work. She tells me about the challenges but more so the joys of her life, how hard she works but how in a year she will be able to work less and have more time with her kids. She's a little more vulnerable and real, so loving and just wonderful. And yesterday she asked how she could keep in touch when I left.. and I felt my heart skip a beat reminded again that "paseandonos" really makes a difference.
Last week I went to a meeting with Christina in a town about an hour away. Transportation is a challenge for her especially because she is the rural asesora and works with committees outside of Oviedo. She only has a moto (like most of the women) and it is too dangerous to take out of the city. So she takes the bus or sometimes finds friends that are willing to drive her to her different committee meetings. We took the bus in the morning to a town about an hour and a half away called San Juaquin, went to her meeting, stopped to see some friends and family and then sat at her god mothers trying to figure out how we'd get home. There are no busses that return to Oviedo in the afternoon because they are all bringing people back to San Juaquin. Since we couldn't find anyone to take us we ended up sleeping over at her god mothers.. and something about the time was so special. We didnt do anything but pasearnos, have dinner, sit on the couch and chat but I felt so much closer to her from that time together (and probably because we shared a bed ;)). I spend the most time with her and the other day she was leaving the office and asked me if I wanted to go. "Vamos a pasearnos" yet again.. we ended up at a friends house sitting outside, drinking terere, passing the baby around and just being together. Her friend asked me questions and Christina answered some, filling in like a big sister, joking about how they give me all the different food and Im willing to try everything. I felt so comfortable, so honored that she brought me along to her friends and just so grateful for the time to pasearnos.
Saturday night Virginia (my host mama) told me to get up at 5:30 the next morning cause we were leaving at 6:00. I asked a few times where we were going.. para pasearnos. So.. I got up as I was told (ended up waiting an hour for everyone else... thank you Latin America time) and got in the car ready for wherever we would end up. We drove for a while and I woke up to Virginia passing back chipa (typical Paraguayan delicious cheesy bread) to everyone in the volkswagon style van they have, feeling completely part of the family. We went to mass in Caacupe, the "Mecca of Paraguay" because of an image of the Virgin that is said to have saved a converted Guarani and survived the flooding of the entire valley. There is a big, beautiful cathedral, with a mirador filled with murals of the story of the particular Guarani who was saved by the image of the Virgin he created. The mass was overflowing and although I didn't understand it all I still find such peace whenever I go to mass and was reminded of the masses we went to in El Salvador. Afterwards we went to the original church where there is a constant flow of water said to be sacred water. People crowded around the water source, filling jugs and splashing their faces with the holy water. Virginia and Don Pedro explained it all to me, told me to go wash my face in it and then we took photos with the holy water. The space buzzed with the energy, excitement and faith of the people who come to Caccupe to be healed and blessed by the water where the miracle happened.
We then went to three other towns to visit the Abuelas on both sides and four different tias. The first Grandma we visited lived in a much poorer little town, she showered me in kisses and spoke to me in Guarani as I tried my best to smile and be polite even though I had no clue what she was saying. Listening kindly to the guarani I saw a story in each wrinkle on her face, a story that is part of this family and this country. We sat outside of her small house on wooden chairs and it was obvious that the family doesn't spend a lot of time here. We brought her bags of food and Pedro went to the pharmacy to get her medications. Ruty said "Hay muchos pobres aca" and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of her feeling she had to explain. We then visited the Grandma on the other side who lives in a much bigger house next door to some other family members where we were completely overfed with asado and sat around "paseandonos". After a few hours there, where the family was much more comfortable, we headed to visit two of Virginia's sisters at one's house and the other's ice cream store. Nothing extremely exciting happened but just the time together was really special. It was neat to see how they grew up and interesting to see the different interactions with the different family members. I sometimes feel distant from the reality here because they just don't tell stories like they did in El Salvador, but this weekend visiting the family and paseandonos I got to see some of those stories and was reminded that there is so much more to this family than I know. On the way home I sat in the back between Ruty and Maria (the 9 and 12 year old that provide me with constant entertainment). As we giggled and joked Maria said "Hablamos con ti mucho más que hablabamos con la otra que estaba aca"... we talk to you a lot more than we talked to the other intern that lived with us. Lots of time I wonder if I'm spending enough time with them and engaging the best I can. Hearing that from her caught me off guard but left me feeling so at home and just really happy to hear they too feel like all this time just "paseandonos" matters more than I know.
Last night I made coffee cakes with Maria and Virginia, laid in bed and giggled with Ruty and then we played mini pool. I sat on the patio this morning drinking mate and am suddenly so aware of the goodness of paseandonos.. of just being together and am feeling more and more at home. I think for the first couple weeks I was so stuck on finding meaning, having the right conversations, learning, engaging perfectly.. I was distracted from just being. And that time of just being together is really how meaningful relationships form. With less than two weeks left I am so grateful and appreciative for paseandonos and for what comes from just being together.
Pasear literally means "to walk" but it is used more so kind of as "to hang out". Sometimes it means we are going to get in the car and cruise around Oviedo with music blasting and the windows down, sometimes it means we are going to sit outside and drink terere (cold mate), every now and then it might mean going for a walk and this past weekend it meant going to Mass in another city and then stopping at seemingly every single family members house to say hello.
Basically it means we are going to be together.. doing what exactly is another story, but lately that doesn't matter as much because I so appreciate the time to just be together. In all this time paseandonos these relationships have been deepening and finding their way into my heart. The time we've spent "paseando" has started to make this place feel like home and today when I think about getting on a plane in two weeks it tugs on my heart strings a little.
Nina Eludia is the cleaning lady in the office and since the beginning I had a feeling she'd be someone I'd come to love. She's like the mama of the office, asking how everyone is, giving advice when we need it and going out to get everyone breakfast in the morning. Lately I've been going with her to get breakfast to curb my boredom in the office and to take advantage of some one on one time with this incredible loving mujer. She asks me about my life and tells me about hers and we just pasearnos. But from that little time together I feel so much closer to her. She tells me about her kids and how she used to live in Asuncion when there were just cows and not so much noise. She asks if my life is rushed at home, about school and if I work. She tells me about the challenges but more so the joys of her life, how hard she works but how in a year she will be able to work less and have more time with her kids. She's a little more vulnerable and real, so loving and just wonderful. And yesterday she asked how she could keep in touch when I left.. and I felt my heart skip a beat reminded again that "paseandonos" really makes a difference.
Last week I went to a meeting with Christina in a town about an hour away. Transportation is a challenge for her especially because she is the rural asesora and works with committees outside of Oviedo. She only has a moto (like most of the women) and it is too dangerous to take out of the city. So she takes the bus or sometimes finds friends that are willing to drive her to her different committee meetings. We took the bus in the morning to a town about an hour and a half away called San Juaquin, went to her meeting, stopped to see some friends and family and then sat at her god mothers trying to figure out how we'd get home. There are no busses that return to Oviedo in the afternoon because they are all bringing people back to San Juaquin. Since we couldn't find anyone to take us we ended up sleeping over at her god mothers.. and something about the time was so special. We didnt do anything but pasearnos, have dinner, sit on the couch and chat but I felt so much closer to her from that time together (and probably because we shared a bed ;)). I spend the most time with her and the other day she was leaving the office and asked me if I wanted to go. "Vamos a pasearnos" yet again.. we ended up at a friends house sitting outside, drinking terere, passing the baby around and just being together. Her friend asked me questions and Christina answered some, filling in like a big sister, joking about how they give me all the different food and Im willing to try everything. I felt so comfortable, so honored that she brought me along to her friends and just so grateful for the time to pasearnos.
Saturday night Virginia (my host mama) told me to get up at 5:30 the next morning cause we were leaving at 6:00. I asked a few times where we were going.. para pasearnos. So.. I got up as I was told (ended up waiting an hour for everyone else... thank you Latin America time) and got in the car ready for wherever we would end up. We drove for a while and I woke up to Virginia passing back chipa (typical Paraguayan delicious cheesy bread) to everyone in the volkswagon style van they have, feeling completely part of the family. We went to mass in Caacupe, the "Mecca of Paraguay" because of an image of the Virgin that is said to have saved a converted Guarani and survived the flooding of the entire valley. There is a big, beautiful cathedral, with a mirador filled with murals of the story of the particular Guarani who was saved by the image of the Virgin he created. The mass was overflowing and although I didn't understand it all I still find such peace whenever I go to mass and was reminded of the masses we went to in El Salvador. Afterwards we went to the original church where there is a constant flow of water said to be sacred water. People crowded around the water source, filling jugs and splashing their faces with the holy water. Virginia and Don Pedro explained it all to me, told me to go wash my face in it and then we took photos with the holy water. The space buzzed with the energy, excitement and faith of the people who come to Caccupe to be healed and blessed by the water where the miracle happened.
We then went to three other towns to visit the Abuelas on both sides and four different tias. The first Grandma we visited lived in a much poorer little town, she showered me in kisses and spoke to me in Guarani as I tried my best to smile and be polite even though I had no clue what she was saying. Listening kindly to the guarani I saw a story in each wrinkle on her face, a story that is part of this family and this country. We sat outside of her small house on wooden chairs and it was obvious that the family doesn't spend a lot of time here. We brought her bags of food and Pedro went to the pharmacy to get her medications. Ruty said "Hay muchos pobres aca" and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of her feeling she had to explain. We then visited the Grandma on the other side who lives in a much bigger house next door to some other family members where we were completely overfed with asado and sat around "paseandonos". After a few hours there, where the family was much more comfortable, we headed to visit two of Virginia's sisters at one's house and the other's ice cream store. Nothing extremely exciting happened but just the time together was really special. It was neat to see how they grew up and interesting to see the different interactions with the different family members. I sometimes feel distant from the reality here because they just don't tell stories like they did in El Salvador, but this weekend visiting the family and paseandonos I got to see some of those stories and was reminded that there is so much more to this family than I know. On the way home I sat in the back between Ruty and Maria (the 9 and 12 year old that provide me with constant entertainment). As we giggled and joked Maria said "Hablamos con ti mucho más que hablabamos con la otra que estaba aca"... we talk to you a lot more than we talked to the other intern that lived with us. Lots of time I wonder if I'm spending enough time with them and engaging the best I can. Hearing that from her caught me off guard but left me feeling so at home and just really happy to hear they too feel like all this time just "paseandonos" matters more than I know.
Last night I made coffee cakes with Maria and Virginia, laid in bed and giggled with Ruty and then we played mini pool. I sat on the patio this morning drinking mate and am suddenly so aware of the goodness of paseandonos.. of just being together and am feeling more and more at home. I think for the first couple weeks I was so stuck on finding meaning, having the right conversations, learning, engaging perfectly.. I was distracted from just being. And that time of just being together is really how meaningful relationships form. With less than two weeks left I am so grateful and appreciative for paseandonos and for what comes from just being together.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Strength and Stillness
I woke up Saturday morning bright and early.. my internal clock is now on Grandma time with a 10:00 bed time and a 6:30 wake up call.. and I absolutely love it. While everyone was still asleep I soaked up the quiet time and continued reading this great book Lulu gave me about a Nun's journeys working with refugees, both in the U.S. when they are resettled and later in refugee camps in Sudan, Thailand and a few other places. The stories are beautifully written and heart breaking talking about deep deep suffering of families living on one cup of milk a day if they are lucky, a young boy walking for a month not being able to rest when he had Malaria because he would be left behind like the other dead bodies he saw along the way and children forced to kill and left completely traumatized for the rest of their lives. As I read it I felt that part of my heart that came alive in El Salvador and that I feel a little distant from here. I wondered what it means that my heart is so still here, that I'm not being rocked and I felt guilty for feeling still and distant from the suffering, when although I'm not interacting with it everyday or on the same level I did in El Salvador I know it is here. I started thinking about what this desire is to be close to suffering and what exactly it does to your heart to hear the stories of people who have seen so much pain yet can feel deep joy and have great hope at the same time.
A couple hours later I had a wonderful conversation with Cara... it is so amazing what a conversation with someone who knows your soul can do. Being here alone my thoughts sometimes get stuck, its so incredibly helpful to have someone else phrase them different, to bounce ideas off and just share your thoughts with- sometimes just saying them out loud helps them to make a lot more sense. I told her about this feeling of stillness and quiet in my heart. Something I would have never used to describe my time in El Salvador, or really any time I can ever remember in my life. "I cant tell if its a good thing or a bad thing" I told her. Hearing what I said she replayed my thoughts back to me, "I think this time of stillness is something beautiful that you need right now" And then it all made a little more sense as we talked through it. The last year has been a complete rollercoaster, absolutely beautiful but also painful. I went to El Salvador ready to be opened and opened I was.. I fell in love with the people living without enough yet so much in their hearts, grappled everyday with what it meant that this world is so unequal and started to explore some of my own personal pain. When I think about the flight home, those first weeks sitting on my couch trying to make sense of it my heart hurts- it was like my heart had been ripped out and half was left in El Salvador and half left in its case in my chest trying to continue breathing. The transition and the three months after were incredibly challenging. And I think this time of stillness and quiet is exactly what I need right now.. imagine that. In high school I made myself believe that if I was always doing everything would be alright.. I transformed from a human being into a human doing and with a grin on my face flew through life filling every moment with something to distract me. Slowly I learned to be a human being at Santa Clara and really the most in El Salvador. I was exposed to a completely new range of human emotion, suffering, joy, hope and faith and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Ella and I recently talked about how we all have been searching for some sort of TLC after the hard transition back, and in some crazy way I think this six weeks in Paraguay has been that tender loving care I was looking for.
I feel a new sense of strength building inside me and although I don't want to spend my whole life with my heart as quiet and still as it has been this past month I think it is an important stage in my continued growth as a human becoming. I used to think that stillness was a bad thing and here I am learning that just like feeling deep deep emotions across the entire spectrum is so important, having space for quiet in your heart is ok too. For years I was strong because I had to be and in El Salvador those "strong, independent, numb" walls were broken down with an amazing community to hold me while I ventured into the unknown area behind them, and leaving that community felt so so hard. Today I feel a new strength that is coming from a healthy place, a sense of independence and trust that is cultivating deep inside me without the desperation for that community to hold me up in the way I felt I needed them those first few months back. No question I need them and I have the support from so so many people in my life that I am coming to appreciate even more while here. Their support follows me and lives in my heart, but whether we are thousands of miles away or in the same room the support of this huge network of love I have from Leadville, Santa Clara, El Salvador and everywhere in between stays with me and sustains me.
I feel strong, stronger than I have for a long time. I feel grateful. I feel a sense of quiet observing, taking it all in but just sitting with it. I feel my heart filling out its space again more able to love, listen and be in all these different places, experiences, phases of my life a little bit more whole than I was a year ago, 6 months ago and a month ago. I feel a deep trust in the way things go and a sense of freedom or letting go- this world will give me what I need and I don't need to grasp for anything, cause its all right here in my heart and the hearts of the people around me. I feel a deep love and gratitude for every single person that has shaped me and am so excited to get home and hug the people I love, but I also feel independent, like I can be thousands of miles away on my own and still feel that sense of community and support. I have had time to explore some thoughts that had been left unsettled and have found a whole layer of new questions, but I am not anxious to figure them out or anxious about things working out... cause they just do somehow.
The last month has been challenging and completely different than what I expected it. But as I sat wondering what it all meant, frustrated in some moments and completely grateful in some moments this strength and stillness has been cultivating inside me and will only continue to grow. Its kind of a half thought still with a lot of space to explore... but it feels good, it feels right and it feels like another reminder that something greater than me exists..making this all make a little more sense. I'm excited to see what continues to come from this feeling, and ready to soak up the last two weeks here with some new perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
A couple hours later I had a wonderful conversation with Cara... it is so amazing what a conversation with someone who knows your soul can do. Being here alone my thoughts sometimes get stuck, its so incredibly helpful to have someone else phrase them different, to bounce ideas off and just share your thoughts with- sometimes just saying them out loud helps them to make a lot more sense. I told her about this feeling of stillness and quiet in my heart. Something I would have never used to describe my time in El Salvador, or really any time I can ever remember in my life. "I cant tell if its a good thing or a bad thing" I told her. Hearing what I said she replayed my thoughts back to me, "I think this time of stillness is something beautiful that you need right now" And then it all made a little more sense as we talked through it. The last year has been a complete rollercoaster, absolutely beautiful but also painful. I went to El Salvador ready to be opened and opened I was.. I fell in love with the people living without enough yet so much in their hearts, grappled everyday with what it meant that this world is so unequal and started to explore some of my own personal pain. When I think about the flight home, those first weeks sitting on my couch trying to make sense of it my heart hurts- it was like my heart had been ripped out and half was left in El Salvador and half left in its case in my chest trying to continue breathing. The transition and the three months after were incredibly challenging. And I think this time of stillness and quiet is exactly what I need right now.. imagine that. In high school I made myself believe that if I was always doing everything would be alright.. I transformed from a human being into a human doing and with a grin on my face flew through life filling every moment with something to distract me. Slowly I learned to be a human being at Santa Clara and really the most in El Salvador. I was exposed to a completely new range of human emotion, suffering, joy, hope and faith and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Ella and I recently talked about how we all have been searching for some sort of TLC after the hard transition back, and in some crazy way I think this six weeks in Paraguay has been that tender loving care I was looking for.
I feel a new sense of strength building inside me and although I don't want to spend my whole life with my heart as quiet and still as it has been this past month I think it is an important stage in my continued growth as a human becoming. I used to think that stillness was a bad thing and here I am learning that just like feeling deep deep emotions across the entire spectrum is so important, having space for quiet in your heart is ok too. For years I was strong because I had to be and in El Salvador those "strong, independent, numb" walls were broken down with an amazing community to hold me while I ventured into the unknown area behind them, and leaving that community felt so so hard. Today I feel a new strength that is coming from a healthy place, a sense of independence and trust that is cultivating deep inside me without the desperation for that community to hold me up in the way I felt I needed them those first few months back. No question I need them and I have the support from so so many people in my life that I am coming to appreciate even more while here. Their support follows me and lives in my heart, but whether we are thousands of miles away or in the same room the support of this huge network of love I have from Leadville, Santa Clara, El Salvador and everywhere in between stays with me and sustains me.
I feel strong, stronger than I have for a long time. I feel grateful. I feel a sense of quiet observing, taking it all in but just sitting with it. I feel my heart filling out its space again more able to love, listen and be in all these different places, experiences, phases of my life a little bit more whole than I was a year ago, 6 months ago and a month ago. I feel a deep trust in the way things go and a sense of freedom or letting go- this world will give me what I need and I don't need to grasp for anything, cause its all right here in my heart and the hearts of the people around me. I feel a deep love and gratitude for every single person that has shaped me and am so excited to get home and hug the people I love, but I also feel independent, like I can be thousands of miles away on my own and still feel that sense of community and support. I have had time to explore some thoughts that had been left unsettled and have found a whole layer of new questions, but I am not anxious to figure them out or anxious about things working out... cause they just do somehow.
The last month has been challenging and completely different than what I expected it. But as I sat wondering what it all meant, frustrated in some moments and completely grateful in some moments this strength and stillness has been cultivating inside me and will only continue to grow. Its kind of a half thought still with a lot of space to explore... but it feels good, it feels right and it feels like another reminder that something greater than me exists..making this all make a little more sense. I'm excited to see what continues to come from this feeling, and ready to soak up the last two weeks here with some new perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Something Beautiful
I remember first hearing this song in El Salvador, little did I know it would soon become our anthem, I heard it sung by so many voices and played over and over again and it never got old. When things were challenging this song was always there to remind us of something bigger, and in the last four weeks (WHOA IVE BEEN HERE A MONTH?!?!) it has been playing over and over in my head, reminding me to be present to all the beauty that surrounds me and just soak it up, knowing there is so much more to this country, experience, women and life than I will ever be able to understand but knowing that we are all part of something incredibly beautiful keeps me going, helps me to notice all the little things that light up my eyes and leave me full of gratitude.
There have been so many little somethings that have been oh so incredibly beautiful...
Walking down the road with the sun shining on our backs with Christina, talking about why she does what she does, sitting in the grass in a circle with 10 women having a meeting about their next round of credit, their savings and a quick training on how to work as a team, the little kids sitting in the back of the horse drawn cart- legs swinging out of the back with huge grins on their faces, sitting on the back patio with Christina while Niña Eludia comforts her and talks to her about the way some people are raised to love from their heart to be understanding and caring for others before following the rules while Christina wiped the tears from her eyes frustrated with bureaucracy, walking through Oviedo when I can't sit in the office anymore and quietly slowly taking in every single sight, getting emails from friends at home that remind me what matters in this world, reading poetry, playing Fruit Ninja with Ruty, the man next to me on the bus offering me his chipa, running into Anderson Fu- a friend from SCU whos from Paraguay- in the Asuncion bus terminal at 12:00am-absolutely incredibly to see a familiar face and a humbling conversation about making assumptions, a woman who is curious about the U.S. because her sister lives there and I am a way for her to understand a little bit better that life, being welcomed into the home of Christina's Madrina when there were no buses to take us back for Paraguayan tortillas and a warm bed to sleep in, letting myself listen to the sounds of Guarani as if its music instead of being frustrated that I cant understand it, waking up an hour earlier than we need to so we can sit together and share mate- passing it from one to another "para calentar nuestros cuerpos", my running routes being determined by herds of cows and barking dogs...they should be in charge of something right, the importance of family and how much time is spent together, watching 15 women walking down the road all together to come to the meeting looking like such a strong united force, running past campo, cows, goats, wide open spaces with the sun setting, the 17 year old boy who lives alone with his little brothers, the first visit from a daughter who has lived in Spain for 5 years, laughter, slowly bringing down my walls and letting my self settle into this space.
I cant believe I only have two weeks left... here's to being present to all the beauty that surrounds me and really engaging with my whole heart and continue to be open to all that Paraguay has to teach me.
Walking down the road with the sun shining on our backs with Christina, talking about why she does what she does, sitting in the grass in a circle with 10 women having a meeting about their next round of credit, their savings and a quick training on how to work as a team, the little kids sitting in the back of the horse drawn cart- legs swinging out of the back with huge grins on their faces, sitting on the back patio with Christina while Niña Eludia comforts her and talks to her about the way some people are raised to love from their heart to be understanding and caring for others before following the rules while Christina wiped the tears from her eyes frustrated with bureaucracy, walking through Oviedo when I can't sit in the office anymore and quietly slowly taking in every single sight, getting emails from friends at home that remind me what matters in this world, reading poetry, playing Fruit Ninja with Ruty, the man next to me on the bus offering me his chipa, running into Anderson Fu- a friend from SCU whos from Paraguay- in the Asuncion bus terminal at 12:00am-absolutely incredibly to see a familiar face and a humbling conversation about making assumptions, a woman who is curious about the U.S. because her sister lives there and I am a way for her to understand a little bit better that life, being welcomed into the home of Christina's Madrina when there were no buses to take us back for Paraguayan tortillas and a warm bed to sleep in, letting myself listen to the sounds of Guarani as if its music instead of being frustrated that I cant understand it, waking up an hour earlier than we need to so we can sit together and share mate- passing it from one to another "para calentar nuestros cuerpos", my running routes being determined by herds of cows and barking dogs...they should be in charge of something right, the importance of family and how much time is spent together, watching 15 women walking down the road all together to come to the meeting looking like such a strong united force, running past campo, cows, goats, wide open spaces with the sun setting, the 17 year old boy who lives alone with his little brothers, the first visit from a daughter who has lived in Spain for 5 years, laughter, slowly bringing down my walls and letting my self settle into this space.
I cant believe I only have two weeks left... here's to being present to all the beauty that surrounds me and really engaging with my whole heart and continue to be open to all that Paraguay has to teach me.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Sights in Paraguay: A Hidden Gem
When I first received my acceptance email to GSB that said I would be spending the summer in Paraguay I had barely heard of it. It isn't a place full of tourism or some other gain to fame that you hear in the news a lot. Its just kinda chillin out down here doing its thing. I may have never come to this country if it wasn't for this fellowship, FP and the relationship with SCU... and for the uniqueness of being here I am so grateful.
Paraguay is a beautiful beautiful country. Red dirt roads, miles and miles of wide open green space, incredibly friendly people, an indigenous language that is still alive and used as the main language by so many and some amazingly beautiful "tourist spots" if you can call having a UNESCO Heritage Site completely to yourself a tourist spot... A few months back we had big plans to travel to Buenos Aires, Chile, Montevideo, etc while we were here and were dissapointed to find out that for safety reasons we were expected to stay in country the entire experience. Keith kindly provided us with some ideas of weekend trips and with the flexibility to travel on weekends we have seen two amazing amazing sights, that again I may have never seen in my life.
The first weekend here we went to Iguaza Falls and I dunno how I failed to write about it yet... but it is SO worth writing about. The falls can actually only be accessed from Brazil or Argentina but are just a ferry ride away from the Paraguay border. After an 8 hour bus ride from Asuncion to Ciudad del Este we got on a ferry crossing the river where we could see Paraguay, Brazil and Argentina on each side. We arrived in Puerta de Iguaza in Argentina and spent the weekend soaking up some seriously enjoyable vacation. Argentina is famous for its asado or barbequed meat so the first night we had a huge delicious platter of a variety of different meat, grilled vegetables and delicious garlic potatoes. We got up Saturday morning and headed to the falls where we paid an entrance fee a totally manicured National Park style park that at first seemed kinda blah with its concrete trails and lack of wonder. Little did we know what awaited us. About twenty minutes from the entrance you can tell you are getting closer to the falls by the sound of crashing water and the change in the trees which are dense and cover you from the view, then you come out and BAM a huge panaramic view of water fall after water fall awaits you. There is 1.7 miles of water falls of different heights and velocity but you can just stare at them forever. We had a perfect day, blue sky, sunny but not too hot and no mosquitos. Ashley was set on going on the boat right up to the falls and convinced us it was worth the $35 (which it TOTALLY was). We put all our things in a dry bag and prepared to get completely soaked in a good size, powerful boat that zoomed through the rapids from the numerous falls, we kept our distance for a while snapping photos and enjoying the dryness but after putting away our cameras were soon right up against the falls getting completely soaked. The rapids were big, the boat was fast and the water was freezing. We screamed and tried to keep our eyes open as the water showered down on us and it was so exhilarating to be up so close, totally worth the money and the rest of the day in dripping clothes. After lunch we were told we were going to the best sight yet and took a little zoo like train to a different part of the park where we walked along a metal bridge over a completely calm part of the river for about 20 minutes. I kept wondering what would be so cool about this when everything was so quiet and peaceful and then quickly understood when we came about a huge semi circle of a drop in the river where they say more than 36 olympic size pools could be filled with the water that rushes from the falls PER MINUTE. Its called the "Garganta de Diablo" and is absolutely breathtaking. The water looks more like white paint or rushing clouds because it is moving so fast and there is so much of it. You stand right on the edge and look down to see nothing but mist from all the rushing water. I felt humbled and amazed in the way you do when you look out at the never ending ocean and was completely mesmerized by the magnitude of constant rushing water. I could have stayed forever and hope I will never loose the image in my head.. it was amazing and something so few people will ever visit. We soaked up the rest of our time in Argentina with another delicious dinner and headed home the next day, risking a drive through Brazil as the ferry from Paraguay doesn't run on Sundays... we got through fine and didn't have to pay a couple hundred dollars for a Brazillian visa for ten minutes driving from entrance to exit headed back to the bus stop for another 7 hours of sleeping, reading, watching kids movies in Spanish and came home so thankful for a weekend of exploring.
This past weekend we headed out to the other well known "must visit" in Paraguay.. the Jesuit ruins in Encarnacion... also on the border of Argentina to the Southeast. A few months back Keith gave us the movie the Missions and we watched it together learning about the indigenous Guarani, their fight with the Portugese and the communities created by the Jesuits to protect (and evangelize them). The movie was slow but definitely left us curious to see them in real life and gave us good context for when we were there. The ruins are about an hour from Encarnacion and you walk up a cobblestone street from where the bus drops you on the main highway. It seems completely crazy that you are at a UNESCO World Heritage site and feels more like you are walking through a random tiny little town then you come to the visitors center where you pay for your entrance. We hired a guide, a girl probably 20ish years old to show us around, we figured without her we basically just got what we saw, which was absolutely beautiful but a little hard to put it all together. When the Jesuits arrived in the 1580s the native people of Paraguay, the Guaranis were living under horrible, oppresive conditions by the Spanish conquerers and Portugese enemies, the Jesuits with groups of 2000-3000 Guarani built the missions which turned into self sufficient compounds where the Guarani lived, worked, grew their own food, schooled their children and attended mass. Our guide showed us the small one room "homes" that the Guarani lived in with their family, the church, the homes of the two Jesuit priests that lived their, the workshops, classrooms, farm and everything they needed to be self sufficent. It seemed tiny for an area where 2000+ people lived but was all well thought out and built by hand by the Guaranis. Every little detail was thought out with gorgous designs in the church, angels in the walls and left over statues, tools, etc to show all the different work they did. None of the ceilings were intact just parts of the walls and some original flooring. Some restorations had been done but it was also obvious how much had been lost when the area was conquered. Our guide was very informative and I was grateful to be able to understand nearly all her Spanish, she left us behind to take pictures and we were amazed at the way it had been built and used, and then abandoned upon Spain's dissatisfaction when the compounds became self sufficent and the Guaranis no longer had to rely on them. From there we went to another ruin about thirty minutes to the other side of the highway... we were told we could take a taxi or a bus but after waiting for an hour decided to go in the back of a pick up truck... one of my favorite things in the world. Here we are in the middle of Paraguay sitting in the back of a pick up truck just soaking up all the views, absolutely beautiful. We arrived at the other ruins, much smaller and much more intact- further off the beaten track and in the middle of wide open, rolling, absolutely beautiful green hills. We walked out and quickly realized we were the ONLY people there, it was so quiet, peaceful and just really magnificent to be in these ruins that use to be the home of thousands of opressed native people all by ourselves. There were no guides at these ones but from what we learned from our other guide we had a good idea of how it was all set up, pretty similar just smaller than the other. The church was beautiful and the views from the big open window holes was absolutely amazing. We talked about how we likely would have never come here in our lives if it werent for GSB... and how even though the "internship" has been frustrating things like this make it worth it. We took pictures and tried to ingrain the image in our heads, knowing this might not be a place we would return to but so overwhelmed with the beauty and vastness of the landscape and the life that was lived here... so incredible to visit it and did not feel at all like some boring history museum;).
It was such a great weekend to spend with the other girls. Being here on my own in Oviedo has been a wonderful space for growth but has also been challenging in moments to do all the processing internally. It was nice to talk to them about the challenges, the good things and everything in between. We talked about being discouraged and trying to make the best of it, about where we have found meaning and joy and how we will spend the last half. We laughed and talked about completely meaningless things and relaxed with a break from living in someone else's home. It was a really good break and now Im hoping to take that energy and inspiration with me into the last 2 and 1/2 weeks here. I cant believe Im more than half way through and I really want to keep being as present as I can, engaging with my whole heart and seeing all the grace in this experience. I am grateful for the chance to explore on weekends and to see the falls and the ruins, both such hidden but magnificent gems.
Paraguay is a beautiful beautiful country. Red dirt roads, miles and miles of wide open green space, incredibly friendly people, an indigenous language that is still alive and used as the main language by so many and some amazingly beautiful "tourist spots" if you can call having a UNESCO Heritage Site completely to yourself a tourist spot... A few months back we had big plans to travel to Buenos Aires, Chile, Montevideo, etc while we were here and were dissapointed to find out that for safety reasons we were expected to stay in country the entire experience. Keith kindly provided us with some ideas of weekend trips and with the flexibility to travel on weekends we have seen two amazing amazing sights, that again I may have never seen in my life.
The first weekend here we went to Iguaza Falls and I dunno how I failed to write about it yet... but it is SO worth writing about. The falls can actually only be accessed from Brazil or Argentina but are just a ferry ride away from the Paraguay border. After an 8 hour bus ride from Asuncion to Ciudad del Este we got on a ferry crossing the river where we could see Paraguay, Brazil and Argentina on each side. We arrived in Puerta de Iguaza in Argentina and spent the weekend soaking up some seriously enjoyable vacation. Argentina is famous for its asado or barbequed meat so the first night we had a huge delicious platter of a variety of different meat, grilled vegetables and delicious garlic potatoes. We got up Saturday morning and headed to the falls where we paid an entrance fee a totally manicured National Park style park that at first seemed kinda blah with its concrete trails and lack of wonder. Little did we know what awaited us. About twenty minutes from the entrance you can tell you are getting closer to the falls by the sound of crashing water and the change in the trees which are dense and cover you from the view, then you come out and BAM a huge panaramic view of water fall after water fall awaits you. There is 1.7 miles of water falls of different heights and velocity but you can just stare at them forever. We had a perfect day, blue sky, sunny but not too hot and no mosquitos. Ashley was set on going on the boat right up to the falls and convinced us it was worth the $35 (which it TOTALLY was). We put all our things in a dry bag and prepared to get completely soaked in a good size, powerful boat that zoomed through the rapids from the numerous falls, we kept our distance for a while snapping photos and enjoying the dryness but after putting away our cameras were soon right up against the falls getting completely soaked. The rapids were big, the boat was fast and the water was freezing. We screamed and tried to keep our eyes open as the water showered down on us and it was so exhilarating to be up so close, totally worth the money and the rest of the day in dripping clothes. After lunch we were told we were going to the best sight yet and took a little zoo like train to a different part of the park where we walked along a metal bridge over a completely calm part of the river for about 20 minutes. I kept wondering what would be so cool about this when everything was so quiet and peaceful and then quickly understood when we came about a huge semi circle of a drop in the river where they say more than 36 olympic size pools could be filled with the water that rushes from the falls PER MINUTE. Its called the "Garganta de Diablo" and is absolutely breathtaking. The water looks more like white paint or rushing clouds because it is moving so fast and there is so much of it. You stand right on the edge and look down to see nothing but mist from all the rushing water. I felt humbled and amazed in the way you do when you look out at the never ending ocean and was completely mesmerized by the magnitude of constant rushing water. I could have stayed forever and hope I will never loose the image in my head.. it was amazing and something so few people will ever visit. We soaked up the rest of our time in Argentina with another delicious dinner and headed home the next day, risking a drive through Brazil as the ferry from Paraguay doesn't run on Sundays... we got through fine and didn't have to pay a couple hundred dollars for a Brazillian visa for ten minutes driving from entrance to exit headed back to the bus stop for another 7 hours of sleeping, reading, watching kids movies in Spanish and came home so thankful for a weekend of exploring.
This past weekend we headed out to the other well known "must visit" in Paraguay.. the Jesuit ruins in Encarnacion... also on the border of Argentina to the Southeast. A few months back Keith gave us the movie the Missions and we watched it together learning about the indigenous Guarani, their fight with the Portugese and the communities created by the Jesuits to protect (and evangelize them). The movie was slow but definitely left us curious to see them in real life and gave us good context for when we were there. The ruins are about an hour from Encarnacion and you walk up a cobblestone street from where the bus drops you on the main highway. It seems completely crazy that you are at a UNESCO World Heritage site and feels more like you are walking through a random tiny little town then you come to the visitors center where you pay for your entrance. We hired a guide, a girl probably 20ish years old to show us around, we figured without her we basically just got what we saw, which was absolutely beautiful but a little hard to put it all together. When the Jesuits arrived in the 1580s the native people of Paraguay, the Guaranis were living under horrible, oppresive conditions by the Spanish conquerers and Portugese enemies, the Jesuits with groups of 2000-3000 Guarani built the missions which turned into self sufficient compounds where the Guarani lived, worked, grew their own food, schooled their children and attended mass. Our guide showed us the small one room "homes" that the Guarani lived in with their family, the church, the homes of the two Jesuit priests that lived their, the workshops, classrooms, farm and everything they needed to be self sufficent. It seemed tiny for an area where 2000+ people lived but was all well thought out and built by hand by the Guaranis. Every little detail was thought out with gorgous designs in the church, angels in the walls and left over statues, tools, etc to show all the different work they did. None of the ceilings were intact just parts of the walls and some original flooring. Some restorations had been done but it was also obvious how much had been lost when the area was conquered. Our guide was very informative and I was grateful to be able to understand nearly all her Spanish, she left us behind to take pictures and we were amazed at the way it had been built and used, and then abandoned upon Spain's dissatisfaction when the compounds became self sufficent and the Guaranis no longer had to rely on them. From there we went to another ruin about thirty minutes to the other side of the highway... we were told we could take a taxi or a bus but after waiting for an hour decided to go in the back of a pick up truck... one of my favorite things in the world. Here we are in the middle of Paraguay sitting in the back of a pick up truck just soaking up all the views, absolutely beautiful. We arrived at the other ruins, much smaller and much more intact- further off the beaten track and in the middle of wide open, rolling, absolutely beautiful green hills. We walked out and quickly realized we were the ONLY people there, it was so quiet, peaceful and just really magnificent to be in these ruins that use to be the home of thousands of opressed native people all by ourselves. There were no guides at these ones but from what we learned from our other guide we had a good idea of how it was all set up, pretty similar just smaller than the other. The church was beautiful and the views from the big open window holes was absolutely amazing. We talked about how we likely would have never come here in our lives if it werent for GSB... and how even though the "internship" has been frustrating things like this make it worth it. We took pictures and tried to ingrain the image in our heads, knowing this might not be a place we would return to but so overwhelmed with the beauty and vastness of the landscape and the life that was lived here... so incredible to visit it and did not feel at all like some boring history museum;).
It was such a great weekend to spend with the other girls. Being here on my own in Oviedo has been a wonderful space for growth but has also been challenging in moments to do all the processing internally. It was nice to talk to them about the challenges, the good things and everything in between. We talked about being discouraged and trying to make the best of it, about where we have found meaning and joy and how we will spend the last half. We laughed and talked about completely meaningless things and relaxed with a break from living in someone else's home. It was a really good break and now Im hoping to take that energy and inspiration with me into the last 2 and 1/2 weeks here. I cant believe Im more than half way through and I really want to keep being as present as I can, engaging with my whole heart and seeing all the grace in this experience. I am grateful for the chance to explore on weekends and to see the falls and the ruins, both such hidden but magnificent gems.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Surrending on the Back of a Speeding Moto
Yesterday I traveled with Christina and Miriam to a town about an hour away for two meetings with new committees. Christina is a single mama of two and the woman works her butt off. Since I've been here she's started at least 4 new committees and is always finding more. The first meeting was with 15 women, she explained the benefits, requirements and goals of "una mujer exitosa", the women decided on their President, Treasurer, Secretary, etc and they turned in their copies of their ids and signed all the forms. Its pretty impressive how many women are interested, how they all work together to make decisions and how it really seems to be successful. There is still a lot I don't understand but everyday I'm learning more. Christina lets me do the surveys while the women sign all their papers and I am so grateful for a chance to interact with the women, learn more about their lives and do something other than just sit. Its sometimes challenging because I have to asks questions multiple times to understand and I have to be incredibly aware of my body language and tone in order to create a sense of interest and trust, not just be an outsider obtruding into their lives, but I am slowly learning what works and becoming more comfortable with the questions and the Paraguayan Spanish.. which actually has a lot of different words from Salvadoran and what I learned in school. We finished the meeting and headed off to another. I never know exactly what the plan is, where we're going, what we're doing or who Ill be with, so really have to let go and just go with the flow.
I got on the back of a moto of some random guy who was taking us without a helmet and off we went. I had no idea how far we were going and braced myself for the ride as he sped up more and more. Here I was in the middle of Paraguay on the back of a moto flying down a red dirt road taking in the beautiful wide open space around me frankly scared out of my mind that this might be the last time I took in the beautiful landscape... ok not really I was confident we would make it out alive but definitely squeezed my eyes shut a couple times as we flew down the road. As I sat on the back of his moto slightly terrified I realized I had to let go and just soak it in. I felt alive, full of adrenaline, scared but also excited that I got to be experiencing this. I told myself I had no control and could only hope that he knew what he was doing. I let go of my fear of loosing my life (ha dramatic much) and relaxed, putting my trust in the random guy driving and opening my eyes wide to take in all that was around me. Scattered houses, cows, horses, kids playing soccer and some working in the fields. Tiny houses with thatched roofs, sheep, pigs and mamas feeding their babies. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt so grateful to be seeing more and more of Paraguay.. and realized that this crazy moto driver was as Rumi says "a guide from beyond" reminding me that just like I did on the back of this moto, I have to let go and just soak up all that is around me. I had two wonderful conversations with the women at the next meeting, finally feeling like I could engage with my heart and that the conversations would just flow and came home and laughed and joked with the family. I have to let go of my fears, surrender to this experience, let down my walls, open up my heart and just be here.
I had a rough couple a days before hand, sent a few emails saying "Im just not feeling it", shed some tears, called Jes and Mom feeling a little lonely and homesick and spent a lot of time in my head trying to understand my place here. Then a few things helped to knock me out of my funk and I got a wonderful email from my go to wisdom source who had a similar experience last summer. With so much love Margot told me about the things she wishes she would of done.. let go and love all that was around her, take advantage of the quiet and stillness and just be and the things she did that made the time more enjoyable... listen inwardly, really take care of herself and just be in this new experience. I read a bunch of poems we read in Casa, journaled my little heart out and tried to internalize her advice on Tuesday night, but really finally understood it on the back of that moto. I've been reading all this stuff about surrendering to the experience, the future, what life has in store... no not just sitting around waiting for life to happen, but really taking whatever you are experiencing for exactly what it is, and having hope and faith that meaning will find its way. Something beautiful is in the cards for me here, thats the way life works, but if I spend all my time trying to intellectualize it and find the meaning in it instead of just BEING here and soaking up all that is around me I'm gonna miss it, and I really don't wanna miss it. There is a lot of good in this experience every day. Yes its not exactly what I thought it'd be, yes sometimes its hard to be alone, but there is also so much to love. Learning about how this seemingly super successful Social Enterprise works, seeing Paraguay, being welcomed into the home of my family and the lives of so many women, the wide open beautiful space, star filled skies, improving Spanish, doing yoga every night in my room, journaling, reading poetry and good books, exploring the internet for anything to entertain me and just taking advantage of this time.
Im ready to let go of all the expectations I had, the need for control and productivity and just take this experience for exactly what it is, in all its beauty and challenges. There are so many little things I can do to enjoy the down time more... listen to good music that brings my soul to life, sit outside, go on short walks, talk with the women and read anything and everything online. I am getting more and more comfortable in the office as a nomad that moves from desk to desk when people leave, with the women who work here, the family I'm living with and the women who I meet at the meetings. 6 weeks is a really short time and its time to just let myself be here and enjoy it, cause there is a lot to enjoy and a lot to learn. So.. I will just keep loading up on the self care and love, finding ways to make the time in the office more enjoyable and really being present to the women when I am with them. I'm going to see the Jesuit Ruins this weekend with Amanda and Ashley and it will be super nice to see them and be able to talk about our experiences so far, and I have a feeling Ill be looking forward to coming back. I feel myself settling in more and more and am excited for whatever the next three and a half weeks has to show me.
I got on the back of a moto of some random guy who was taking us without a helmet and off we went. I had no idea how far we were going and braced myself for the ride as he sped up more and more. Here I was in the middle of Paraguay on the back of a moto flying down a red dirt road taking in the beautiful wide open space around me frankly scared out of my mind that this might be the last time I took in the beautiful landscape... ok not really I was confident we would make it out alive but definitely squeezed my eyes shut a couple times as we flew down the road. As I sat on the back of his moto slightly terrified I realized I had to let go and just soak it in. I felt alive, full of adrenaline, scared but also excited that I got to be experiencing this. I told myself I had no control and could only hope that he knew what he was doing. I let go of my fear of loosing my life (ha dramatic much) and relaxed, putting my trust in the random guy driving and opening my eyes wide to take in all that was around me. Scattered houses, cows, horses, kids playing soccer and some working in the fields. Tiny houses with thatched roofs, sheep, pigs and mamas feeding their babies. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt so grateful to be seeing more and more of Paraguay.. and realized that this crazy moto driver was as Rumi says "a guide from beyond" reminding me that just like I did on the back of this moto, I have to let go and just soak up all that is around me. I had two wonderful conversations with the women at the next meeting, finally feeling like I could engage with my heart and that the conversations would just flow and came home and laughed and joked with the family. I have to let go of my fears, surrender to this experience, let down my walls, open up my heart and just be here.
I had a rough couple a days before hand, sent a few emails saying "Im just not feeling it", shed some tears, called Jes and Mom feeling a little lonely and homesick and spent a lot of time in my head trying to understand my place here. Then a few things helped to knock me out of my funk and I got a wonderful email from my go to wisdom source who had a similar experience last summer. With so much love Margot told me about the things she wishes she would of done.. let go and love all that was around her, take advantage of the quiet and stillness and just be and the things she did that made the time more enjoyable... listen inwardly, really take care of herself and just be in this new experience. I read a bunch of poems we read in Casa, journaled my little heart out and tried to internalize her advice on Tuesday night, but really finally understood it on the back of that moto. I've been reading all this stuff about surrendering to the experience, the future, what life has in store... no not just sitting around waiting for life to happen, but really taking whatever you are experiencing for exactly what it is, and having hope and faith that meaning will find its way. Something beautiful is in the cards for me here, thats the way life works, but if I spend all my time trying to intellectualize it and find the meaning in it instead of just BEING here and soaking up all that is around me I'm gonna miss it, and I really don't wanna miss it. There is a lot of good in this experience every day. Yes its not exactly what I thought it'd be, yes sometimes its hard to be alone, but there is also so much to love. Learning about how this seemingly super successful Social Enterprise works, seeing Paraguay, being welcomed into the home of my family and the lives of so many women, the wide open beautiful space, star filled skies, improving Spanish, doing yoga every night in my room, journaling, reading poetry and good books, exploring the internet for anything to entertain me and just taking advantage of this time.
Im ready to let go of all the expectations I had, the need for control and productivity and just take this experience for exactly what it is, in all its beauty and challenges. There are so many little things I can do to enjoy the down time more... listen to good music that brings my soul to life, sit outside, go on short walks, talk with the women and read anything and everything online. I am getting more and more comfortable in the office as a nomad that moves from desk to desk when people leave, with the women who work here, the family I'm living with and the women who I meet at the meetings. 6 weeks is a really short time and its time to just let myself be here and enjoy it, cause there is a lot to enjoy and a lot to learn. So.. I will just keep loading up on the self care and love, finding ways to make the time in the office more enjoyable and really being present to the women when I am with them. I'm going to see the Jesuit Ruins this weekend with Amanda and Ashley and it will be super nice to see them and be able to talk about our experiences so far, and I have a feeling Ill be looking forward to coming back. I feel myself settling in more and more and am excited for whatever the next three and a half weeks has to show me.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Alone, perplexed, comforted
Sigh… this blank page is a little intimidating for some
reason. My heart is feeling a lot but my creative juices don’t seem to be
flowing the most amount lately. I am the only gringo here… and it is
challenging. It is challenging to speak Spanish all the time, to live in
someone else’s home, to not understand the culture or the language all the time
and to have nothing but my heart, my journal, and a couple books to process
with.
It has been cold, rainy and dreary the last few days. And I
have spent a lot of time frustrated with my inability to understand… Guarani,
the other official and more frequently spoken language especially in rural
areas, and just this culture. There is a lot to try to take in and understand.
The culture, the people, the organization, this family, my place in it all. And
my mind is constantly running and forced to do a lot of internal processing,
which is not my strong point, and thus another reason this is good for me.
Yesterday I sat in a cold damp room with ten women having their first meeting
to form a committee. They spoke all in Guarani except for numbers and a few
random words I could pick up on here and there. My hands were freezing and as I
scanned the room I was so aware of what this cold means to them.. and I think I’m
cold. A baby cried in the other room and I watched a beautiful rooster walk by,
then some baby pigs wrestling outside and I wondered yet again “what the heck
am I doing here?” Frustrated at the extra barrier to observing without the
language, my very obvious outsiderness and just feeling like I couldn’t engage
or connect how I would like. Then Christina (the asesora of the rural areas who
I really really like) told me I could do the encuesta with the women. It’s a survey
of 20 questions that evaluate the women’s quality of life. I was so honored
that she let me help. And it was also challenging. I had a chance to talk to
every single woman, asking them a series of questions and coming to better
understand how they live. In the process I learned which questions I had to
rephrase in order to be more sensitive. Do you work outside of the home?
Replaced where do you work after women chuckled and responded “alma de Casa”
(homemaker). Do you have a
husband? Replaced what is your husbands name when someone chuckled who didn’t
have a husband. The chuckles were not coming from a malicious place, but they
hurt, another reminder that I am an outsider and I needed to turn on my
sensitive delivery. Sometimes I felt rushed through the questions, like a
machine obtruding into their lives. But I slowly realized there were ways I
could make it more personal, more gentle, and appear more like just another human
to share with than a machine asking questions. These are the things I am going
to have to watch for, spaces where I can take advantage of connecting with the
women where I must be extremely careful about my delivery, engage gently, find
ways to share in our mutual humanness, and create relationships in a matter of
minutes.
This morning I sat in the families dispensa down the road again
wondering exactly how to engage in this all. Having my food delivered to me,
often not knowing exactly what is going on, trying to help but also stay out of
the way as they do their daily chores and asking again and again to help only
to be denied. They sit me down in front of the tv and deliver food to me.
Partly they just want to take care of me, make me feel at home and partly I
think that they have preconceived notions that as an American I just like to
watch TV… when truly I have had to really try hard to enjoy watching TV with
them as a way to spend time with them instead of feeling completely bored and
checking out. Finally I decided to
go for a walk.. I needed to do something with myself, my thoughts were making
me crazy. I walked down the cobblestone street they live on until it turned to
dirt and just a few houses down found wide open spaces, roaming cows, chickens
and houses more scattered. The cold and dreary weather left me feeling a little
down and after a while when I stopped to take in the beautiful landscape tears
came to my eyes. Lonely and perplexed by all there is to process and what this
experience will mean my heart jumped to Casa Romero, home, Casita Bonita and
all things familiar. There isn’t much familiar here and really all I can do is
find my own ways to comfort myself, trust in something greater than me that
this is right and ask for strength and comfort. It has been hard to not compare
this to Casa. Not necessarily always in a bad way, but just because it’s my only frame of reference.
I miss my Cedro family.. Santos, Reina, Christopher and all the faces and souls
that broke open my heart. There was a sense of vulnerability that came with the
suffering they were living in that sometimes I feel distant from here. I also
know that time allowed for those relationships to grow but there were also
things that were just different. I miss my Romero family, the support,
laughter, comfort of coming home and space to process, reflect and grow
together. But as I looked out at the wide open green space, asking for strength
and comfort and thought hard about being here I was comforted by the wind
blowing on my face, the baby cow mooing at me and the beauty surrounding me
knowing I can create deep relationships here too. And maybe this experience
just isn’t about being as broken open and raw as I was in El Salvador. Coming
home from that was so hard and building back strength took a long time. This is
about putting that strength, independence, knowing of myself into action and
learning whatever I can from the Paraguayan people. I know they have so much to
teach me and again and again I am reminding myself to be open to whatever it is
this experience has to offer me, to give my love, to engage as well as I can
and to follow my heart which has learned a lot about how to take care of
itself.
I walked back home to be greeted by 9 year old Ruty, whose
lack of walls as a 9 year old make her as my closest friend so far. She gave me
a big hug just happy to see me and as we walked back to the dispensa together I
was comforted by her presence, this family and the many blessings that I have
here. The sun came out and I sat on the patio eating mandarins we picked from a
tree in their back yard with Diana, seeing such grace in that moment, even
though there are still awkward silences and I don’t feel totally comfortable
yet. Then I went for a run along the cobblestone street, back on to the red
dirt roads, past wide open spaces, taking in all the sights and grateful to be here
learning, for the luxury of knowing how to take care of my heart and what it
needs to feel full, reminding myself that I will continue to grow into this
space, this family, this experience.
Its not easy, its not super comfortable and I am constantly
trying to understand how I fit in. But I know I need to let my brain be quiet,
I need to be patient, I need to be open and engage as best as I can, and I also
can be gentle with myself and provide myself with the TLC of yoga, running,
journaling and staying in bed just a little longer. Its hard to be here alone
but I also know I am so far from alone and I have only barely scraped the
surface of what the next month has to offer me.
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