Yesterday I traveled with Christina and Miriam to a town about an hour away for two meetings with new committees. Christina is a single mama of two and the woman works her butt off. Since I've been here she's started at least 4 new committees and is always finding more. The first meeting was with 15 women, she explained the benefits, requirements and goals of "una mujer exitosa", the women decided on their President, Treasurer, Secretary, etc and they turned in their copies of their ids and signed all the forms. Its pretty impressive how many women are interested, how they all work together to make decisions and how it really seems to be successful. There is still a lot I don't understand but everyday I'm learning more. Christina lets me do the surveys while the women sign all their papers and I am so grateful for a chance to interact with the women, learn more about their lives and do something other than just sit. Its sometimes challenging because I have to asks questions multiple times to understand and I have to be incredibly aware of my body language and tone in order to create a sense of interest and trust, not just be an outsider obtruding into their lives, but I am slowly learning what works and becoming more comfortable with the questions and the Paraguayan Spanish.. which actually has a lot of different words from Salvadoran and what I learned in school. We finished the meeting and headed off to another. I never know exactly what the plan is, where we're going, what we're doing or who Ill be with, so really have to let go and just go with the flow.
I got on the back of a moto of some random guy who was taking us without a helmet and off we went. I had no idea how far we were going and braced myself for the ride as he sped up more and more. Here I was in the middle of Paraguay on the back of a moto flying down a red dirt road taking in the beautiful wide open space around me frankly scared out of my mind that this might be the last time I took in the beautiful landscape... ok not really I was confident we would make it out alive but definitely squeezed my eyes shut a couple times as we flew down the road. As I sat on the back of his moto slightly terrified I realized I had to let go and just soak it in. I felt alive, full of adrenaline, scared but also excited that I got to be experiencing this. I told myself I had no control and could only hope that he knew what he was doing. I let go of my fear of loosing my life (ha dramatic much) and relaxed, putting my trust in the random guy driving and opening my eyes wide to take in all that was around me. Scattered houses, cows, horses, kids playing soccer and some working in the fields. Tiny houses with thatched roofs, sheep, pigs and mamas feeding their babies. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt so grateful to be seeing more and more of Paraguay.. and realized that this crazy moto driver was as Rumi says "a guide from beyond" reminding me that just like I did on the back of this moto, I have to let go and just soak up all that is around me. I had two wonderful conversations with the women at the next meeting, finally feeling like I could engage with my heart and that the conversations would just flow and came home and laughed and joked with the family. I have to let go of my fears, surrender to this experience, let down my walls, open up my heart and just be here.
I had a rough couple a days before hand, sent a few emails saying "Im just not feeling it", shed some tears, called Jes and Mom feeling a little lonely and homesick and spent a lot of time in my head trying to understand my place here. Then a few things helped to knock me out of my funk and I got a wonderful email from my go to wisdom source who had a similar experience last summer. With so much love Margot told me about the things she wishes she would of done.. let go and love all that was around her, take advantage of the quiet and stillness and just be and the things she did that made the time more enjoyable... listen inwardly, really take care of herself and just be in this new experience. I read a bunch of poems we read in Casa, journaled my little heart out and tried to internalize her advice on Tuesday night, but really finally understood it on the back of that moto. I've been reading all this stuff about surrendering to the experience, the future, what life has in store... no not just sitting around waiting for life to happen, but really taking whatever you are experiencing for exactly what it is, and having hope and faith that meaning will find its way. Something beautiful is in the cards for me here, thats the way life works, but if I spend all my time trying to intellectualize it and find the meaning in it instead of just BEING here and soaking up all that is around me I'm gonna miss it, and I really don't wanna miss it. There is a lot of good in this experience every day. Yes its not exactly what I thought it'd be, yes sometimes its hard to be alone, but there is also so much to love. Learning about how this seemingly super successful Social Enterprise works, seeing Paraguay, being welcomed into the home of my family and the lives of so many women, the wide open beautiful space, star filled skies, improving Spanish, doing yoga every night in my room, journaling, reading poetry and good books, exploring the internet for anything to entertain me and just taking advantage of this time.
Im ready to let go of all the expectations I had, the need for control and productivity and just take this experience for exactly what it is, in all its beauty and challenges. There are so many little things I can do to enjoy the down time more... listen to good music that brings my soul to life, sit outside, go on short walks, talk with the women and read anything and everything online. I am getting more and more comfortable in the office as a nomad that moves from desk to desk when people leave, with the women who work here, the family I'm living with and the women who I meet at the meetings. 6 weeks is a really short time and its time to just let myself be here and enjoy it, cause there is a lot to enjoy and a lot to learn. So.. I will just keep loading up on the self care and love, finding ways to make the time in the office more enjoyable and really being present to the women when I am with them. I'm going to see the Jesuit Ruins this weekend with Amanda and Ashley and it will be super nice to see them and be able to talk about our experiences so far, and I have a feeling Ill be looking forward to coming back. I feel myself settling in more and more and am excited for whatever the next three and a half weeks has to show me.
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