i just booked a plane ticket home. a one way plane ticket home. and it pinged at my heart a little. I cant even begin to think about it or really say much about it cause its big, but wow, freshmen year is almost over. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. How long did we wait for this to come? How long did we agonize about wanting out of high school. And now its suddenly week 5 and I will be home for the summer in 6 weeks. And so much has changed, I have grown and learned so much and have been so incredibly inspired to keep learning, growing and adventuring until the end of forever. I'm nervous and excited to go home. Excited to be in the mountains, to play outside, to spend time with my best friends and that funny little family they all have created for me. I'm excited to work, and do me things and just kinda be there making whatever out of it that I want. I'm scared of being bored, being away from this life, these friends, the constant go and learn and see and do that is this life. I'm scared of dealing with the life that I wanted to leave behind, but that I have learned you can never just leave behind, forever you are connected, forever it matters and forever you will have to and want to make that life something better. Take the things from here and put them into there. I'm nervous for all the things I ran away from to be back in my face. But its good for me, it will be a whole lot of good, I just know there will be times I will be going crazy, and I love it here so much Im not quite ready to trade it in. But, what can ya do?
Been dealing with some interesting life. Some things I wish and hoped would just have figured themselves out by now but never do. Some things that hurt down to the core and make me think long and hard about real life matters. Things that point out to me how lucky I am, how precious life is, how precious the people I love are and the times that we get together. I am scared, scared of something Im not big enough to fight, scared of something I cant understand and nobody can, scared of something that is completely out of my hands and really big and scare. And have so much hope that it will get better, that people are strong and know how much they matter. Hopeful that once again we can get over this hump, hopeful that one of these times sooner than later will be the last time.
Also has me thinking about all these remember whens. I guess I think about those anyways. But member when we went through all this together. Member when we laughed and cried and played and dance. Member when we lived in that life, in that world, side by side. All of us. Member when you all held me up, filled in my cracks, watched me crack and shine. Member when? How lucky am I to have so many people to think about when I think about the whens and who are still part of the now, who are watching me shine and break still to this day, who fill in the cracks, the blanks when I cant quite put my thoughts together. Its a good life. A crazy scary good life but as I always say it is amazing because of the people I have. The people who care and would drop anything for me and who have been there with me through so much up and down. To take my shoe shopping, buy me groceries, wipe my tears, make me laugh, give me wisdom, take me on adventures, play with me, and be the most wonderful friends in the world. Lucky me :)
I think I'm gonna declare sociology tomorrow. I feel like its time. I still have a constant quarrel of what I'm gonna do with my life. But I know I love sociology, and from there I will figure out what to pair it with, how to make it into a career. Somehow I'll figure it out. Its an exciting adventure :)
Heres to life, figuring it out, learning, loving, growing and even being scared. Its all part of the deal, and I'm glad I got in on that one :)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
" that doesn't make me morally superior to them"
sometimes it takes a little work for me to find the inspiration to make this worth reading.
but life is one big inspiration, everyday something catches my eye and makes me smile a little bigger, think a little harder, and dream a little more.
today it was Father Boyle- he's from LA, he started Homeboy Industries which has turned into be the biggest gang prevention organization in the U.S. if not the world. They give gang members jobs, counseling, tattoo removal and help them become ex gang members and get on with their lives. He was the speaker at Jesse's LMU graduation, and even though I was young I remember thinking he was great.
He was here and spoke today, all about kinship and compassion. And it was inspiring. He is amazing, he's done so much and he is still such a normal, human being like guy, who laughs at silly jokes and cusses in mass and calls the guys he works with homies. He is so aware of their life and his place in it, even if they are totally different. And he has such faith in these guys who he explains to have such big hearts, guys who were once shooting bullets at each other now working side by side, laughing, talking, getting along, like friends. He explained that shouldn't be surprising- its hard for humans to not get along when they are stuck right next to each other working together and in their case working for a very similar thing, and even harder to not talk as many claim they wont in the beginning. He tells stories of his ex gang members coming to realize their ability, the life they can create, their moments of being so compassionate and caring that it blows your mind. He gives you goosebumps and makes you laugh and cry and inspires you to be better. But of everything he said my favorite was his explanation of the differences and the disconnect, that he has completely removed. He explained "I've never been in a gang, I grew up not even knowing they existed and wouldn't have been able to find one if you sent me on a scavenger hunt, there is no denying I would have never been in a game, but that doesnt make me morally superior to them" he went on to explain that he can never understand the burdens they have held on their shoulders, the desire they have to be better and reiterated the fact that he is nor morally superior to anyone. I feel like if everyone could understand that the world would be better...no more us and them, no more other, just all of us, together, figuring it out. There was so much more, it was all so great. But I just really loved that part. I think thats our problem, no one is better, we are all just incredibly and wonderfully different.
Then I went to homesafe, a shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic violence where I go once a week and play with the kiddos for a a couple hours. And tonight I was watching one of the older boys with his two younger brothers. He was probably 12 they were maybe 2 and 4 and he was just so in touch with them, totally watching out for them and taking care of them, and they listened to him perfectly. It was so cool to see, crazy how much responsibility Im sure he has, but just so obvious that he is the man of the house, and he does it and loves it and loves those little brothers so much. You see that a lot in there, the siblings totally just watch out for each other and its really great. Makes my heart happy.
Thanks life for showing me so much, teaching me show much, letting me see things and take them in and think about them and make something of them. :)
but life is one big inspiration, everyday something catches my eye and makes me smile a little bigger, think a little harder, and dream a little more.
today it was Father Boyle- he's from LA, he started Homeboy Industries which has turned into be the biggest gang prevention organization in the U.S. if not the world. They give gang members jobs, counseling, tattoo removal and help them become ex gang members and get on with their lives. He was the speaker at Jesse's LMU graduation, and even though I was young I remember thinking he was great.
He was here and spoke today, all about kinship and compassion. And it was inspiring. He is amazing, he's done so much and he is still such a normal, human being like guy, who laughs at silly jokes and cusses in mass and calls the guys he works with homies. He is so aware of their life and his place in it, even if they are totally different. And he has such faith in these guys who he explains to have such big hearts, guys who were once shooting bullets at each other now working side by side, laughing, talking, getting along, like friends. He explained that shouldn't be surprising- its hard for humans to not get along when they are stuck right next to each other working together and in their case working for a very similar thing, and even harder to not talk as many claim they wont in the beginning. He tells stories of his ex gang members coming to realize their ability, the life they can create, their moments of being so compassionate and caring that it blows your mind. He gives you goosebumps and makes you laugh and cry and inspires you to be better. But of everything he said my favorite was his explanation of the differences and the disconnect, that he has completely removed. He explained "I've never been in a gang, I grew up not even knowing they existed and wouldn't have been able to find one if you sent me on a scavenger hunt, there is no denying I would have never been in a game, but that doesnt make me morally superior to them" he went on to explain that he can never understand the burdens they have held on their shoulders, the desire they have to be better and reiterated the fact that he is nor morally superior to anyone. I feel like if everyone could understand that the world would be better...no more us and them, no more other, just all of us, together, figuring it out. There was so much more, it was all so great. But I just really loved that part. I think thats our problem, no one is better, we are all just incredibly and wonderfully different.
Then I went to homesafe, a shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic violence where I go once a week and play with the kiddos for a a couple hours. And tonight I was watching one of the older boys with his two younger brothers. He was probably 12 they were maybe 2 and 4 and he was just so in touch with them, totally watching out for them and taking care of them, and they listened to him perfectly. It was so cool to see, crazy how much responsibility Im sure he has, but just so obvious that he is the man of the house, and he does it and loves it and loves those little brothers so much. You see that a lot in there, the siblings totally just watch out for each other and its really great. Makes my heart happy.
Thanks life for showing me so much, teaching me show much, letting me see things and take them in and think about them and make something of them. :)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Springtime in California!
It is spring here and it is beautiful. There are roses and a million other beautiful flowers blooming everywhere and they smell SO good. The grass is so green and the sun comes out and people flock to the gardens and lawns and millions of peaceful spots on campus. I think Spring is gonna be my favorite time here. Its really peaceful and preety and smells wonderful. And there is rain instead of snow and green grass instead of mud. I love it :) Thats all
Monday, April 12, 2010
SCU and me and you and wonderful wonderful people
I'm back again...
So I'm writing an essay about the culture of Santa Clara...I have done a lot of this culture thinking and my sociology brain goes CRAZY thinking about it all. It has to be 3-5 pages and I already have a hard time with paper max limits in general and this one is REALLY hard for me. First I have to write about the culture, then how the media effects it and then about how its changed me. Holy wow is that a lot of thoughts. So I'm writing about how on the surface this place values money and image. You walk on to campus and its perfectly trimmed and hear the price and want to run away crying. Then you start to learn about what else it has to offer. So so so much. So much learning and growing and thinking and questioning and doing and life. And I really love that. I'm not gonna lie I love the beautiful campus, I love the flowers blooming everywhere, the wide open fields, the old buildings and the palm trees, its like a little oasis. But if that was all it would be nothing. All the clubs and service opportunities and classes that make us think about so many things, so much more than just whatever we think we are gonna spend our life doing. Its all really good for my brain and my heart, and my life. So, I think its really cool. And I'm working really hard to be concise about this paper but I just have a lot to say! BAH! I have learned so much here, about the value of money...no not that I have come to think its super super important but I have come to realize its not that important, and there is so much more to life than it and that having a lot of money or a little money truly doesn't mean anything about your personality, its what you do with it that matters. Or in some cases what you dont do with it. And i have thought so much about things that matter and adventured and learned so much about me and come to appreciate so much more than just the things we are taught to appreciate at home, but the things Keely and Hayley and Lauren and Stella and Alex appreciate too. I have only learned to love more of life and think more about how I can make change.
In English today we talked about why we are here. Good grades? To be an educated person? Because thats what your supposed to do after high school? Money? In some ways thats all kinda true but I thought about it and as cliche as this sounds I am here so I can make a difference. I'm here so I can become something, do something with myself and help people. So I can learn about how life works and how life affects people and little by little make life a little less daunting for people. If I was a business major or engineering major I'd want to help people in a different way or maybe be more aware of getting a job. But as a sociology major I'm here to learn how I can help...cheesy much?
One more thing. I am applying to be a SCAAP program coordinator, which means I would recruit volunteers and work with a specific organization on the logistics of a certain service project and become more involved myself in that specific project. I've applied for lots of stuff, and been rejected for lots of stuff but this one I really really want. I want to help, I want to learn about how these kinda organizations work, I want to be really involved and help other people get involved and I want to meet other people who want to do the same stuff. I had to get two recomendation forms filled out...one by a peer and one by an adult. Susan and Brittney filled out mine and not only sent me one in a sealed envelope to turn in but sent me another one for me to read, because they are sweet and want me to know how much they care. Both of them made me cry and I just fill really lucky to have such amazing people in my life who have such nice things to say about me. It really means so so so much. If I get the position or not you both gave me more confidence in me, and reminded me of the things that are important for me to capitalize on. So thanks, you are amazing people for me to have in my life :)
OK, back to writing a paper about how the culture has changed me, and maybe I should get some dinner, oh and go to the gym. Now that I'm working life is a little bit busy. Work, class, SCAAP stuff, homework, exercise and maybe a little nap in there somewhere...its actually nice, I like to be doing things that are worth while :)
So I'm writing an essay about the culture of Santa Clara...I have done a lot of this culture thinking and my sociology brain goes CRAZY thinking about it all. It has to be 3-5 pages and I already have a hard time with paper max limits in general and this one is REALLY hard for me. First I have to write about the culture, then how the media effects it and then about how its changed me. Holy wow is that a lot of thoughts. So I'm writing about how on the surface this place values money and image. You walk on to campus and its perfectly trimmed and hear the price and want to run away crying. Then you start to learn about what else it has to offer. So so so much. So much learning and growing and thinking and questioning and doing and life. And I really love that. I'm not gonna lie I love the beautiful campus, I love the flowers blooming everywhere, the wide open fields, the old buildings and the palm trees, its like a little oasis. But if that was all it would be nothing. All the clubs and service opportunities and classes that make us think about so many things, so much more than just whatever we think we are gonna spend our life doing. Its all really good for my brain and my heart, and my life. So, I think its really cool. And I'm working really hard to be concise about this paper but I just have a lot to say! BAH! I have learned so much here, about the value of money...no not that I have come to think its super super important but I have come to realize its not that important, and there is so much more to life than it and that having a lot of money or a little money truly doesn't mean anything about your personality, its what you do with it that matters. Or in some cases what you dont do with it. And i have thought so much about things that matter and adventured and learned so much about me and come to appreciate so much more than just the things we are taught to appreciate at home, but the things Keely and Hayley and Lauren and Stella and Alex appreciate too. I have only learned to love more of life and think more about how I can make change.
In English today we talked about why we are here. Good grades? To be an educated person? Because thats what your supposed to do after high school? Money? In some ways thats all kinda true but I thought about it and as cliche as this sounds I am here so I can make a difference. I'm here so I can become something, do something with myself and help people. So I can learn about how life works and how life affects people and little by little make life a little less daunting for people. If I was a business major or engineering major I'd want to help people in a different way or maybe be more aware of getting a job. But as a sociology major I'm here to learn how I can help...cheesy much?
One more thing. I am applying to be a SCAAP program coordinator, which means I would recruit volunteers and work with a specific organization on the logistics of a certain service project and become more involved myself in that specific project. I've applied for lots of stuff, and been rejected for lots of stuff but this one I really really want. I want to help, I want to learn about how these kinda organizations work, I want to be really involved and help other people get involved and I want to meet other people who want to do the same stuff. I had to get two recomendation forms filled out...one by a peer and one by an adult. Susan and Brittney filled out mine and not only sent me one in a sealed envelope to turn in but sent me another one for me to read, because they are sweet and want me to know how much they care. Both of them made me cry and I just fill really lucky to have such amazing people in my life who have such nice things to say about me. It really means so so so much. If I get the position or not you both gave me more confidence in me, and reminded me of the things that are important for me to capitalize on. So thanks, you are amazing people for me to have in my life :)
OK, back to writing a paper about how the culture has changed me, and maybe I should get some dinner, oh and go to the gym. Now that I'm working life is a little bit busy. Work, class, SCAAP stuff, homework, exercise and maybe a little nap in there somewhere...its actually nice, I like to be doing things that are worth while :)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
oh sundays...fighting the lazy sleepy feeling after a wonderful weekend
happy sunday, monsoon outside, homework day. oh right maybe its not that for all of you. oh sundays. they are always so hard. Cause of course I never actually catch up on sleep during the weekend or get ahead on my homework cause I just wanna PLAY! But then Sunday Im sleepy and just wanna be lazy but have to do homework all day. I think I'll be fighting with Sundays for the rest of my life. Thats ok though. I've been in the library for hours cause I still don't have a computer so I have to use these ones buts its been kinda nice. Its pooring rain outside and its weirdly cozy here and just quiet, I like it. The library helps me with my Sunday problem :)
I have had SUCH an awesome weekend. Friday we went to POH and as always its just so good for me. And so much fun too. Its fun to go and hang out with different people and see this totally different world and be reminded once again of how freaking fortunate we are. We had a fun group and went to Thai food after and it was so yummy.
Yesterday a few of us went to Stella's house to have lunch and see her house. I have been wanting to go over there all year and it was SO good to finally see that part of her life. Its funny how being in someones home and hanging out with their parents and seeing how that part of their world works can just help you understand so much more. Especially cause her culture is different than mine. It was so awesome. Her wonderful mommy made us DELICIOUS Vietnamese food, sticky rice, egg rolls, this noodly soup, and fried banana desert. It was SO good and Im really learning to love the flavors cause her mom brings food to us a lot at school. We were so stuffed that the one meal covered all three meals for the whole day. Her parents took such good care of us and it was just fun to talk to them and see their life and Stella showed us around the neighborhood too. She lives in the Suburbs of San Jose which is kinda in like rolling green hills and its really preety. It feels less like a city and is just really nice. We played on a playground and than watched Little Miss Sunshine which is soooooo freaking cute. I think I love it because their family is more dysfunctional then mine, and in the end really happy. Who says perfect and put together is the only way to be happy, no way ;). Its like Juno I just laugh the entire time cause its so quirky and hillarious. I love it.
Then Lauren's friend Jerry called and asked if we wanted to go to a club in San Fran so we got all ready and went and it was way fun. I feel like if i live half hour from San Francisco that is an experience I need to have and not just once. We just danced all night and had a blast and it was perfect to have Jerry with us to be on creeper patrol :) It was a blast. We got back at 4 in the morning and were crazy tired outta control silly on the ride home and in Dennys having breakfast at 3 am. Thats what college is about, random, silly, adventurous fun. :)
I'm feeling back in the swing of things here, like I know how to do homework and be motivated to work out and sleep normal and have fun all at the same time again. I guess my brain made it back from the beach :). And last night was a perfect start of a fun and adventurous Spring quarter, which is again already flying by. Its insane.
I ordered a new computer and luckily my dad was sooo nice and helpful and helped me pay for it but still spending his money again just made me wanna puke. Life costs WAY too much. And im trying really hard to just think of it as a fact of life cause it is, I need a computer, and I will re earn the money and help pay him back but ugh its just gross to spend that much money in one place. And a REALLY good reminder about saving money. Jeezo. I'm looking forward to having my computer again even though not having one has probably been good for me.
I'm writing a paper about the culture of Santa Clara and how it has affected my identity, ey yi yi, so many thoughts. Good thoughtful interesting thoughts though. I like this kinda stuff even though its hard to motivate to write any paper. But almost done :) Hopefully the rain wont stay forever. Its kinda fun here and there (especially with my YELLOW RAIN BOOTS :)) But too much just gets real old, I want some sunshine!
I have had SUCH an awesome weekend. Friday we went to POH and as always its just so good for me. And so much fun too. Its fun to go and hang out with different people and see this totally different world and be reminded once again of how freaking fortunate we are. We had a fun group and went to Thai food after and it was so yummy.
Yesterday a few of us went to Stella's house to have lunch and see her house. I have been wanting to go over there all year and it was SO good to finally see that part of her life. Its funny how being in someones home and hanging out with their parents and seeing how that part of their world works can just help you understand so much more. Especially cause her culture is different than mine. It was so awesome. Her wonderful mommy made us DELICIOUS Vietnamese food, sticky rice, egg rolls, this noodly soup, and fried banana desert. It was SO good and Im really learning to love the flavors cause her mom brings food to us a lot at school. We were so stuffed that the one meal covered all three meals for the whole day. Her parents took such good care of us and it was just fun to talk to them and see their life and Stella showed us around the neighborhood too. She lives in the Suburbs of San Jose which is kinda in like rolling green hills and its really preety. It feels less like a city and is just really nice. We played on a playground and than watched Little Miss Sunshine which is soooooo freaking cute. I think I love it because their family is more dysfunctional then mine, and in the end really happy. Who says perfect and put together is the only way to be happy, no way ;). Its like Juno I just laugh the entire time cause its so quirky and hillarious. I love it.
Then Lauren's friend Jerry called and asked if we wanted to go to a club in San Fran so we got all ready and went and it was way fun. I feel like if i live half hour from San Francisco that is an experience I need to have and not just once. We just danced all night and had a blast and it was perfect to have Jerry with us to be on creeper patrol :) It was a blast. We got back at 4 in the morning and were crazy tired outta control silly on the ride home and in Dennys having breakfast at 3 am. Thats what college is about, random, silly, adventurous fun. :)
I'm feeling back in the swing of things here, like I know how to do homework and be motivated to work out and sleep normal and have fun all at the same time again. I guess my brain made it back from the beach :). And last night was a perfect start of a fun and adventurous Spring quarter, which is again already flying by. Its insane.
I ordered a new computer and luckily my dad was sooo nice and helpful and helped me pay for it but still spending his money again just made me wanna puke. Life costs WAY too much. And im trying really hard to just think of it as a fact of life cause it is, I need a computer, and I will re earn the money and help pay him back but ugh its just gross to spend that much money in one place. And a REALLY good reminder about saving money. Jeezo. I'm looking forward to having my computer again even though not having one has probably been good for me.
I'm writing a paper about the culture of Santa Clara and how it has affected my identity, ey yi yi, so many thoughts. Good thoughtful interesting thoughts though. I like this kinda stuff even though its hard to motivate to write any paper. But almost done :) Hopefully the rain wont stay forever. Its kinda fun here and there (especially with my YELLOW RAIN BOOTS :)) But too much just gets real old, I want some sunshine!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Eric's birthday, the best 2nd family ever and back to school to find my way :)
hello, boy do I have a lot to write about...I have been computerless for a week now and it is really messing with my blogging ability. I was home for the weekend and ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BLOG but my computer decide to stop working on me, the screen is broken and the cost to fix it is too close to the cost of a new computer to be worth it, so saving for a new computer is my newest past time. Trust me, it is no fun at all, I would not recommend it. Anyways...
I went home on Thursday, it was Eric's birthday. He would be twenty five. His birthday is always a special, and hard and a little bit strange time for all of us. Everyday on his birthday Mom and Jesse and I make sure to talk about him, we send each other a little extra love and sometimes reminisce a little. Its funny cause I know all of us think of him everyday, but on his birthday its ok or expected to be thinking of him, its a day to celebrate him more than miss him. But still we miss him. And forever and always the idea of what if runs through my head, how would my life be if Eric was here? I cannot even begin to comprehend, sometimes I like to play with the thought, imagine a life with another amazing brother to look up to, a world so different because of the way his lost life affected us..but most the time it hurts a little to much to wonder. Its too big, it would be so different, and I know that I am who I am because of the life we have seen. So most the time instead of wondering I choose to just thank the world for letting me learn so much from his life, and I try to believe that someone else needed him more than we did, or something like that.
I had an awesome experience though as I was flying home. I'm not really one that believes in much supernatural and I am definitely unsure about faith, but flying home, with Eric on my mind it seemed like something bigger than me was happening. Most the time I wasn't even paying attention but when I looked out the window close to the end of the flight I was awe struck by how beautiful the sky was. Bright orange and pink, beautiful clouds, all spread across in front of me, and below me a sheet of thick heavy clouds. I wouldn't have seen the beauty if I wasn't flying, I would have seen the thick clouds from ground but in the sky it was this beautiful, surreal, colored sky that made me feel like I was hanging with Eric. As we descended we went through the thick clouds, I looked out my window and could see nothing, then it was snowing and dark and the plane was a little bumpy. For a second I was nervous, but I thought of the beautiful sky and suddenly felt safe, even excited like I was riding a roller-coaster in the dark, I knew I would come out of it and then I looked out again and it was clear and below was a sheet of lights, all of Denver beaming up at me, reminding me of the lucky, loved and protected life I live. Believe me or not, I felt like Eric was there, in the beautiful clouds that I wouldn't have seen from the ground, making me feel safe through the bumps, and bringing me into safety in the clouds. Sounds crazy, but it felt really cool :)
So...anyways, I made it home, safe and sound, and so ready to be in that place, the home that envelopes me with love and comfort and caring and life. It was short but it was great. I saw so many of the most important people in my life. Tiff, Ese, Jim, Susan, Molly, Kali, Liv, Katie, Chelsey, Mindy, Kam, Ferne, Criag, Talus and Grandma, Laurie, Marty and Jill at the end. I feel so fortunate to go home for three days and to get to see so many people who love and support me and will drive to see me and change their plans to fit me in. It was so great.
Tiff and I talked about all of life on the drive home, remembered how perfect this summer was, talked about how close we have became out of the hard parts of life and laughed so hard about nothing.
Mom made the yummiest breakfast. That is one of my most favorite things about home, waking up and eating homemade breakfast on the couch in my pj's. I love love love it. Then Ese came up and we played with T and talked philosophy and life and peace and love with Craig and the two of us spent hours with Susan and Jim laughing about us growing up and being stupid kids, and crying about life and it was absolutely wonderful. Just what I needed.
Saturday I got up early, stopped at the coffee shop for some comfort and chatting with the girls and then stopped at Erics. That place will always bring me home. I was supposed to meet Liv, Kali and Molly for lunch and on my way out saw Ferne outside and decided to stop and say hello. Ferne was one of the highlights of my weekend. Life has thrown some curve balls at her lately and what a great thing to have a relationship with the woman who I spent a good chunk of my childhood with about the ups and downs of life. About hardships and closing and opening doors, about relationships and dreams and goals and all of the world. It was absolutely fantastic, and pure chance. I had lunch with the girls, spent more time at PG, picked up job apps, dinner with Dad and then extravaganza with Tiff and Chels and Katie. SO good to be with them and Tiff showed us the cool side of Leadville that we never ever thought could exist :) Its fun to be reminded that your town is cool and that people come there like I came to California, excited for the adventures it has to offer, it reminded me how cool that place really is.
Sunday was the perfect Easter with Mindy, Kam and Jeremy, easter egg hunting, eating yummy breakfast, playing out side, and loving on that sweet little girl as much as she would let me. It was absolutely fantastic. They mean the world to me and it is so fun to watch her grow and laugh and play with her and be a part of her life, they mean the world to me and I am so glad I got to see them.
Thats a long story... I fit a lot in. It was really good. I faced a little bit of life that college has let me forget, it was hard, I broke down. But the people who are there picked me right back up and I was reminded of the wonderful circle of support that I have there. I feel so so lucky. I have a lot of love and a lot of relationships to go home and nourish this summer. I'm excited to spend the summer there even in the midst of the worries of all that it can be. It will be great, that is one awesome little place, and the people who play family for me are the best in the whole entire world. There is so much more but the point is it was really refreshing, really good for my soul, really fantastic reminder of the amazing life that I have been given, and important reminder of the reality I cant forget.
And now I am back and its just as good to be back. I'm getting back into the swing of things, I will live without a computer. And slowly I will find all the motivation that I need to swim and play outside and work my butt of...I just need a little transition time :)
I went home on Thursday, it was Eric's birthday. He would be twenty five. His birthday is always a special, and hard and a little bit strange time for all of us. Everyday on his birthday Mom and Jesse and I make sure to talk about him, we send each other a little extra love and sometimes reminisce a little. Its funny cause I know all of us think of him everyday, but on his birthday its ok or expected to be thinking of him, its a day to celebrate him more than miss him. But still we miss him. And forever and always the idea of what if runs through my head, how would my life be if Eric was here? I cannot even begin to comprehend, sometimes I like to play with the thought, imagine a life with another amazing brother to look up to, a world so different because of the way his lost life affected us..but most the time it hurts a little to much to wonder. Its too big, it would be so different, and I know that I am who I am because of the life we have seen. So most the time instead of wondering I choose to just thank the world for letting me learn so much from his life, and I try to believe that someone else needed him more than we did, or something like that.
I had an awesome experience though as I was flying home. I'm not really one that believes in much supernatural and I am definitely unsure about faith, but flying home, with Eric on my mind it seemed like something bigger than me was happening. Most the time I wasn't even paying attention but when I looked out the window close to the end of the flight I was awe struck by how beautiful the sky was. Bright orange and pink, beautiful clouds, all spread across in front of me, and below me a sheet of thick heavy clouds. I wouldn't have seen the beauty if I wasn't flying, I would have seen the thick clouds from ground but in the sky it was this beautiful, surreal, colored sky that made me feel like I was hanging with Eric. As we descended we went through the thick clouds, I looked out my window and could see nothing, then it was snowing and dark and the plane was a little bumpy. For a second I was nervous, but I thought of the beautiful sky and suddenly felt safe, even excited like I was riding a roller-coaster in the dark, I knew I would come out of it and then I looked out again and it was clear and below was a sheet of lights, all of Denver beaming up at me, reminding me of the lucky, loved and protected life I live. Believe me or not, I felt like Eric was there, in the beautiful clouds that I wouldn't have seen from the ground, making me feel safe through the bumps, and bringing me into safety in the clouds. Sounds crazy, but it felt really cool :)
So...anyways, I made it home, safe and sound, and so ready to be in that place, the home that envelopes me with love and comfort and caring and life. It was short but it was great. I saw so many of the most important people in my life. Tiff, Ese, Jim, Susan, Molly, Kali, Liv, Katie, Chelsey, Mindy, Kam, Ferne, Criag, Talus and Grandma, Laurie, Marty and Jill at the end. I feel so fortunate to go home for three days and to get to see so many people who love and support me and will drive to see me and change their plans to fit me in. It was so great.
Tiff and I talked about all of life on the drive home, remembered how perfect this summer was, talked about how close we have became out of the hard parts of life and laughed so hard about nothing.
Mom made the yummiest breakfast. That is one of my most favorite things about home, waking up and eating homemade breakfast on the couch in my pj's. I love love love it. Then Ese came up and we played with T and talked philosophy and life and peace and love with Craig and the two of us spent hours with Susan and Jim laughing about us growing up and being stupid kids, and crying about life and it was absolutely wonderful. Just what I needed.
Saturday I got up early, stopped at the coffee shop for some comfort and chatting with the girls and then stopped at Erics. That place will always bring me home. I was supposed to meet Liv, Kali and Molly for lunch and on my way out saw Ferne outside and decided to stop and say hello. Ferne was one of the highlights of my weekend. Life has thrown some curve balls at her lately and what a great thing to have a relationship with the woman who I spent a good chunk of my childhood with about the ups and downs of life. About hardships and closing and opening doors, about relationships and dreams and goals and all of the world. It was absolutely fantastic, and pure chance. I had lunch with the girls, spent more time at PG, picked up job apps, dinner with Dad and then extravaganza with Tiff and Chels and Katie. SO good to be with them and Tiff showed us the cool side of Leadville that we never ever thought could exist :) Its fun to be reminded that your town is cool and that people come there like I came to California, excited for the adventures it has to offer, it reminded me how cool that place really is.
Sunday was the perfect Easter with Mindy, Kam and Jeremy, easter egg hunting, eating yummy breakfast, playing out side, and loving on that sweet little girl as much as she would let me. It was absolutely fantastic. They mean the world to me and it is so fun to watch her grow and laugh and play with her and be a part of her life, they mean the world to me and I am so glad I got to see them.
Thats a long story... I fit a lot in. It was really good. I faced a little bit of life that college has let me forget, it was hard, I broke down. But the people who are there picked me right back up and I was reminded of the wonderful circle of support that I have there. I feel so so lucky. I have a lot of love and a lot of relationships to go home and nourish this summer. I'm excited to spend the summer there even in the midst of the worries of all that it can be. It will be great, that is one awesome little place, and the people who play family for me are the best in the whole entire world. There is so much more but the point is it was really refreshing, really good for my soul, really fantastic reminder of the amazing life that I have been given, and important reminder of the reality I cant forget.
And now I am back and its just as good to be back. I'm getting back into the swing of things, I will live without a computer. And slowly I will find all the motivation that I need to swim and play outside and work my butt of...I just need a little transition time :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)