hello, boy do I have a lot to write about...I have been computerless for a week now and it is really messing with my blogging ability. I was home for the weekend and ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BLOG but my computer decide to stop working on me, the screen is broken and the cost to fix it is too close to the cost of a new computer to be worth it, so saving for a new computer is my newest past time. Trust me, it is no fun at all, I would not recommend it. Anyways...
I went home on Thursday, it was Eric's birthday. He would be twenty five. His birthday is always a special, and hard and a little bit strange time for all of us. Everyday on his birthday Mom and Jesse and I make sure to talk about him, we send each other a little extra love and sometimes reminisce a little. Its funny cause I know all of us think of him everyday, but on his birthday its ok or expected to be thinking of him, its a day to celebrate him more than miss him. But still we miss him. And forever and always the idea of what if runs through my head, how would my life be if Eric was here? I cannot even begin to comprehend, sometimes I like to play with the thought, imagine a life with another amazing brother to look up to, a world so different because of the way his lost life affected us..but most the time it hurts a little to much to wonder. Its too big, it would be so different, and I know that I am who I am because of the life we have seen. So most the time instead of wondering I choose to just thank the world for letting me learn so much from his life, and I try to believe that someone else needed him more than we did, or something like that.
I had an awesome experience though as I was flying home. I'm not really one that believes in much supernatural and I am definitely unsure about faith, but flying home, with Eric on my mind it seemed like something bigger than me was happening. Most the time I wasn't even paying attention but when I looked out the window close to the end of the flight I was awe struck by how beautiful the sky was. Bright orange and pink, beautiful clouds, all spread across in front of me, and below me a sheet of thick heavy clouds. I wouldn't have seen the beauty if I wasn't flying, I would have seen the thick clouds from ground but in the sky it was this beautiful, surreal, colored sky that made me feel like I was hanging with Eric. As we descended we went through the thick clouds, I looked out my window and could see nothing, then it was snowing and dark and the plane was a little bumpy. For a second I was nervous, but I thought of the beautiful sky and suddenly felt safe, even excited like I was riding a roller-coaster in the dark, I knew I would come out of it and then I looked out again and it was clear and below was a sheet of lights, all of Denver beaming up at me, reminding me of the lucky, loved and protected life I live. Believe me or not, I felt like Eric was there, in the beautiful clouds that I wouldn't have seen from the ground, making me feel safe through the bumps, and bringing me into safety in the clouds. Sounds crazy, but it felt really cool :)
So...anyways, I made it home, safe and sound, and so ready to be in that place, the home that envelopes me with love and comfort and caring and life. It was short but it was great. I saw so many of the most important people in my life. Tiff, Ese, Jim, Susan, Molly, Kali, Liv, Katie, Chelsey, Mindy, Kam, Ferne, Criag, Talus and Grandma, Laurie, Marty and Jill at the end. I feel so fortunate to go home for three days and to get to see so many people who love and support me and will drive to see me and change their plans to fit me in. It was so great.
Tiff and I talked about all of life on the drive home, remembered how perfect this summer was, talked about how close we have became out of the hard parts of life and laughed so hard about nothing.
Mom made the yummiest breakfast. That is one of my most favorite things about home, waking up and eating homemade breakfast on the couch in my pj's. I love love love it. Then Ese came up and we played with T and talked philosophy and life and peace and love with Craig and the two of us spent hours with Susan and Jim laughing about us growing up and being stupid kids, and crying about life and it was absolutely wonderful. Just what I needed.
Saturday I got up early, stopped at the coffee shop for some comfort and chatting with the girls and then stopped at Erics. That place will always bring me home. I was supposed to meet Liv, Kali and Molly for lunch and on my way out saw Ferne outside and decided to stop and say hello. Ferne was one of the highlights of my weekend. Life has thrown some curve balls at her lately and what a great thing to have a relationship with the woman who I spent a good chunk of my childhood with about the ups and downs of life. About hardships and closing and opening doors, about relationships and dreams and goals and all of the world. It was absolutely fantastic, and pure chance. I had lunch with the girls, spent more time at PG, picked up job apps, dinner with Dad and then extravaganza with Tiff and Chels and Katie. SO good to be with them and Tiff showed us the cool side of Leadville that we never ever thought could exist :) Its fun to be reminded that your town is cool and that people come there like I came to California, excited for the adventures it has to offer, it reminded me how cool that place really is.
Sunday was the perfect Easter with Mindy, Kam and Jeremy, easter egg hunting, eating yummy breakfast, playing out side, and loving on that sweet little girl as much as she would let me. It was absolutely fantastic. They mean the world to me and it is so fun to watch her grow and laugh and play with her and be a part of her life, they mean the world to me and I am so glad I got to see them.
Thats a long story... I fit a lot in. It was really good. I faced a little bit of life that college has let me forget, it was hard, I broke down. But the people who are there picked me right back up and I was reminded of the wonderful circle of support that I have there. I feel so so lucky. I have a lot of love and a lot of relationships to go home and nourish this summer. I'm excited to spend the summer there even in the midst of the worries of all that it can be. It will be great, that is one awesome little place, and the people who play family for me are the best in the whole entire world. There is so much more but the point is it was really refreshing, really good for my soul, really fantastic reminder of the amazing life that I have been given, and important reminder of the reality I cant forget.
And now I am back and its just as good to be back. I'm getting back into the swing of things, I will live without a computer. And slowly I will find all the motivation that I need to swim and play outside and work my butt of...I just need a little transition time :)
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