boxes of life, love and loss

Im not sure where to start.


My eyes hurt from crying. But my heart is full. Of love and memories and life and remembering and feeling.  Ive been going through all of our boxes of pictures. And have made some serious progress.  Always there are things that ping my heart. Pictures of our family as a whole.  Pictures of me and Eric.  Jesse and Eric.  Letters and cards from people sending their thoughts and prayers.  Those boxes are full of life, loss and love.  And going through them is so fulfilling to me cause so much of that life and loss I didnt feel like they did.  And everytime I go through it I feel it a little more, I experience a little more, learn a little more.  First I found an autograph book from Disneyland. Signed by all sorts of characters.. and then mom and dad "To me amor, love mom" "To my most beautiful daughter, love dad". Thats when the first tears came.  When I was their world.  When love was shown all the time. I was their pride and joy.  Life kinda got in the way of that. 


Then came the journal.  The journal I have looked at so many times and balled my eyes out everytime.  It starts when Jesse is born, mom talking about the joy of being pregnant, about wanting 2 or 3 kids, about loving my dad so much, about all these things that are now so far away. She skips years and years in between. To Eric's birth. To Eric's first diagnosis, to his relapses, and random things here and there in between.  In the beginning of May 91 she starts to write everyday, after the doctors tell her Eric has very little time left. Sometimes she writes about her feelings, more often she is very to the point, this is what we did. You can tell she is scared and a little bit numb but they are filling their days full.  Then May 28th. She writes, Eric died at noon.  From then on she writes day after day of the experiences the feelings the loss. And I read and I ball, and sob, and cry my heart out. And feel it all through her. I feel for her, I feel for our family, I feel for Eric.  I miss him like she does, I am reminded of all the pain that they and we have all felt. The pain that is so easy to find when I read those things that comes right back to the surface.  But its ok for me to feel it.  I do this every once and a while.  Go through the pictures and books and cards and just feel it.  I think its important for me since I was so young and there is so much I don't understand. I learn through the pictures and stories, again and again as I get older and can understand and feel more. And as much as it hurts I love it. I love to feel it. I love to learn about it. Even with my eyes blurry and sleeves soaked from tears I cant stop reading, I want to know it all, all the feelings. 


Its crazy how that changed us.  How my mom felt it all. And my dad probably did too. But reading her writing makes it so real. And I wish we could all be together and I could hug them and tell them how very much I love them and we could all cry together.  Cause its so much better to feel things together. I miss him. I wish just like she does that we had more life together.  I wish for her that she could have kept him her life. She would be so much more whole.  She lost so much, and I think in some ways she never got it back.  I want to give it all back to her.  What a thing to go through.  I hope someday we can all be together again. I dont know about god or religion or heaven, but I truly hope is up there and that is where we will all end up. And we can be happy and together and love each other.  And it will all come circle.  
I want her to be happy more than anything, to have the full life she dreamt of, to grow and explore and give back.  In the early parts of the journal she wrote of wanting all the things I want now.  Of not wanting to be stuck in Leadville, of exploring and giving and being open to people and the world and finding peace within herself. I hope someday she can do that. 


Its so hard to feel all of that. But I always come out of it knowing that I was given so much from this loss. I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes its hard to understand those reasons, and sometimes maybe things dont turn out as planned, but I have faith in something, that everything will be ok.  Everything in my life is so wonderful. I am so lucky and so in love with life.  I have found my way. And have so much wonderful life left to live and learn from.  Life is not about it being easy, life is about learning and growing and loving.  And I think I can do that.  I hope at some point everyone gets to where I am. In love with life. Excited everyday to grow and learn and explore and to live.


I have so many more thoughts...
dinner w/ Ferne tonight... wonderful
4 nights left at home.. bittersweet
2 days left of work.. awesome
letting go of Leadville forever... not sure Im ready for that
being in Santa Clara.. so ready for that
so much to be excited for, so much to love, and easy to think about the things Im letting go of. Another new chapter. And I know so well that its going to be wonderful and that all of life just flows together. Somehow :)


Goodnight
Dont forget to feel and love and learn!
XOXOXO <3

t minus 10 days

12:03 am. August 29th.
t-minus ten days til road trip to California commences
4 days of work
4 days of visiting CU/CSU 
2 days of family visiting


4+4+2=10... = 0 days for Michelle to pack/say goodbyes/get my life together. WHOA


Tonight i planned out the next ten days and in realizing all the things that were on the to do list by then I realized maybe I should get on it. I worked on my room, packed a little, ordered a cord to transfer things from my old computer and feel a little bit better about the fact that IM RUNNING OUT OF TIME. WHOA!!!!! Im gonna see a lot of people before I go. But it just still always seems like there wont be enough time to see everyone.  Silly. But... I will get it all done, I will say my goodbyes, pack my bags, and be on my way to the land of best friends, adventures, learning, growing and making steps towards real life. And I am so so excited for that.


I filled another bag of give away clothes tonight. My room is dwindling.  Each time I go through it there is a little more space, a little less me, a little less history.  Its weird. Crazy how slowly it will just evaporate as my room. Im not sure if I'd rather that or a blunt move all my stuff out.  I felt the last chapter slipping away more and more. Looked at the shirts we made in high school and wondered how I would ever be able to get rid of those.  Finally threw away shirts from middle school, ski clothes I no longer need since I don't ski 7 days a week anymore, pajama pants that have been around for years and years of life.  Things that have in a weird way defined my life, that are just cloth but have meaning, some sort of connection to a past I am moving on from.  But being able to throw some of the stuff away was so good. Knowing that so much of that past is with me wherever I go without the shirts and random junk and silly memorabilia.  It is part of me and the shirts that take up space to remind me aren't as necessary as I grow into a shaped person, with all the ingredients since day one coming together to make me :)


Its exciting stuff getting ready to go back there. So much is waiting for me.  An open book for me to fill the pages of.  For me to make my journey out of.  A place that I am whole heartedly in love with, my eyes light up when I talk about it and that I have missed everyday for the last three months.  Still, the goodbyes, the transition, the flipping through the chapters, always hits a little spot in my heart reminding me of what all this means :)


So its time again to soak it up. Soak up the mountain air.  The blue sky, the stars.  The mamma, the big room and the big bed.  The best friends near by. The memories, the life that I have created here. Time to fill myself full of this life, this world so I can take it with me back to that one. And that I am going to do. Im going to Boulder and Fort Collins to soak up the time with the best friends, stopping here and there to see people, fitting things in, making last minute plans.  And in the midst of all that giving me sometime to process and enjoy and just be. Cause that is the gift of life.. to just be.


Off to dream land :) xoxoxo

whole:)

ahhhhhhh
that was a good sigh not a scream kinda ahh...
life is so good
i feel... whole


im off to play with Tiff and her Leadville crew tonight but real quick... my thoughts on life as of late


1. i have a travel bug. i want so badly to explore the world right now.....thanks to the lovely amounts of reading and imagining i did in the last week. perfect
2. kels and gamachu came to my house last night. first RYLA fam to ever come here. it meant so much. we laughed so hard. and stayed up til crazy hours. and slept in my bed and were the best family we could ever ask for. it was perfect
3. ive been thinking about music. and all the places it can take you.  today someone was on my mind. starting with one song... and i thought and thought about all that part of my life. so many songs remind me of someone or somewhere...its awesome
4. i went for a run tonight and it was wonderful, in and out of the streets and allies of this little east side where i grew up. at the top of the hill i looked out at this awesome little place that raised me. and the mountains that protected me for so long from yucky life. and how thankful i am to call this home
5. i had an amazingly ungraceful legs in the air face plant in the middle of the coffee shop today. welcome to my life :) oh ya... i was wearing a dress. oops
6. i have been thinking thinking thinking thinking about school and life. international business seems to be a good idea. i also would love to add an urban ed minor. i wanna be back there so i can figure it out. oh what i could do with the mix of all those things
7. kelsey leaves to russia on tuesday. i am SOOOO excited for her and equally sad to see her fly away from me. but experiences are to be had and how cool is it that she'll be in russia when i talk to her and have so many stories to tell
8. 6 more days of work. enough said
9. i miss zachy and he's only 45 minutes away. man i love that boy. plans were made tonight so my missing sees relief soon
10. tour of colorado/best friend seeing starts next thursday... super excited
11. drive to california t minus 13 days... here we come road trip
12. I AM SOOOO EXCITED TO BE BACK AT THE CLARA.... there are no words
13. We had lunch with Rolo today. I love RYLA. I love my family. I love the Cuadrados.
14. Life is good... i have lots to do before i head back to my land of wonderfulness and am looking forward to every minute of life... always.
15. I hope YOU feel whole. And I hope you dream like I dream. And I hope you get to go on adventures and laugh so hard you cry and plan out your life and thank people for all the amazing they have given you. I hope you get to love all of this amazingness that we are lucky enough to be apart of! 
XOXOXOXO

breakfast for dinner, days in swimsuits and piles of books decorating the floor

This is the stuff off a summer vacation on the lake. The worst picture ever but.. the necessities.

My suitcase is packed... but man what a perfect end to the week.  I stayed in my swim suit the entire day.  Almost finished book number three. Kayaked, water skiied and swam across the lake. It used to be a coming of age.  Now its a Michelle wanting to be just as cool as the boy cousins... and loving to swim. Dad kayaked beside me and we did it pretty fast. Checked off my bucket list :)


We had breakfast for dinner. Dad finished his cherry pie out of the pie tin it came from.  I read and I read and I read and I read.  Put sunscreen on four times, swam when it got to hot and fell asleep on the boat with my book covering my face. Slowly we moved the toys back to the garage. Cleaned up the messy kitchen and did what we could to empty out the fridge (hence the breakfast for dinner).  We talked about plans for being back next summer. And had the best weather for our last day we could ask for.


Time to go back to real life. And leave the long days of swimsuits, books, sunscreen and boats til next year. But it was so good. So good for me. So good for us.  So good to rejuvenate in this wonderful little place :) Im gonna go for one last run in the morning down to the bay.  We'll send the boat back, pack up and fly away from this little place.  And Ill be waiting to come back.


Thanks for another perfect trip.  Another time to relax and spend time together and love and laugh and be in this quirky little place where its ok to have breakfast for dinner and eat cherry pie out of pie tins and lay around in my swimsuit all day.  See ya next year! <3

mmmmmmmm... life :)

I always fantasize about living here for a summer. I almost said used to. But I still do today I told Dad "I'm still not giving up on the idea of living here someday" Even though people rent it and silly stuff like that now. I dream of long days on the water. Swimming and running in the michigan love. I dream of fires. I dream of friends and family visiting. Of entertaining myself with books all summer long.  Of summer love on the lake.  Of late nights under the stars. Of cooking veggies and fish on the grill. Eating fresh fruit and baking coffee cakes all summer long. Some day.. someday I tell ya.


Its just SO good.


We have been water skiing and reading (SO MUCH READING) and playing cards and sun tanning (ok sun burning) and eating delicious food and just relaxing our butts off. And I just love it so much. Its so beautiful.


We dropped off Kylie and Jesse at the airport tonight. Sad to see them leave, and sad to see the end of another Michigan trip coming up too soon.
Dad and I just went out and took it all in for a while. The lake is like glass. The sun is setting. Everything is perfect. And I was just overwhelmed with emotion.  Joy, gratitude, excitement, understanding and a little bit of sadness. But mostly just memories and thoughtfulness.
Im gonna leave here pretty soon. But I know that I'll be back.  And this has been one of the more stable pieces of my life. Here every summer. No matter the divorce, the alcohol, the drugs, the loss, the money problems, the changes.
The cottage and the lake were always always here.


Its the simple happy memories here that I share with dad and mom that make me feel close to both of them when Im here. Its the knowledge that I will bring my kids here someday.  Thats the comfort and love the seeps out of this place. The love of a lifetime of ups and downs and changes...and one place that stays consistent to come play and relax and love.. always and forever :)


Dad and I were talking about our soar arms... we decided that it must be one heck of a good time if you have soar arms and sunburned skin. Oopppssiiesss (I successfully got fried yesterday)
But it has been quite the perfect vacation.  You can tell by the sunburn and soar arms, the books and hats and crackers stacked up on the table.  Wet towels and swimsuits laying out.  Cameras, sun glasses, life jackets, inside and outside games to play with. Perfect :)


And guess what, we still have a day and a half left. To fill with reading and sunshine and relaxing and hammocks and swimming across the lake and maybe even a couple more water skiing rounds (even though its illegal with just the two of us) But.. man is this place wonderful. Every single time :)


I have also been letting my little day dreamer of a mind go at full speed. Seriously I AM A DREAMER. And I have been in fantasy land ALL over the world this last week. Dreaming of being back at school.  Of our trip out. Of my last few weeks at home.  Of studying abroad and traveling before hand with Kali. Of living here or there, of nannying, of all the possibilities of next summer.  Of life.. so much life. I like to day dream and night dream and just dream.  It makes me excited for life. And motivates me to go out there and just explore the options cause boy are there a lot :)


Back to reading.  Today Im in a little town in Pakistan in Three Cups of Tea :) Yesterday was Sweden in The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo and a I bought one about Germany and one about Heaven for the next couple days :)
Dream on.. I sure am :)
XOXOXOX

OUR Oasis

I have arrived at my summer oasis. The place I have come to for the past 19 years. A place of sun and fun and funny family dynamics. Of Grandma telling me my skirt is too short, to keep my feet of the couch and to close the door quietly. Of memories and laughter and so much fun.  Of love, expressed differently than at home.


Im here now. Just Dad and I.


My first two questions
Should we stop at the big store on the way home? 
and
Where is the hammock?


We've arrived at a place for us. A place we hold dear to our hearts.  Where the first thing I do is kick off my shoes, roll up my pants and run to put my toes in the water.  Where I spend hours reading. Where we eat fresh fruit and vegetables with the smell of the lake and the old cabin surrounding us. 
 We have arrived at a place that is different. That has been renovated into something that people outside this quirky family will pay to stay at. But still has Grandma's little notes and the ugly orange chairs and pieces of her and the rusticness of this place scattered around. 
A place where we joke about the rules and break them and laugh and mock her, which really is an understanding between us that we miss her, and this place is full of memories of her, and that is how we reminisce.
 A place where I spend more time silent than most my life. Where we can just enjoy each others company and not talk about everything.  Where ten o clock rolls around and sleepily I get off the couch and say its only 8 at home and Dad says "who cares we're not at home" so i move to my bunk beds and feel like the grandkid that I have spent all these years in the back bedroom with the small beds as. 
I place where I have come and felt at home and fully content and uneasy at the same time.  A place that has been all mine and a little bit not mine. A place that I love so dearly I will never let go of. 


A place that this year I can let go of the uneasiness and let it be all mine.  Where it is ok that Dad and I's relationship is different than mom and I's or someone else and their dad's.  A place where what used to drive me crazy can now make me laugh. Where I can let go and just be in the moment. And be perfectly content with the way that is, so that the rest of this is just as perfect and enjoyable every moment as it should be.  Where its ok that he is green and gold and I am blue and orange.  Where goodnight hugs are more than the love I get at home... he gives me blue.  Where I sit and read and let my mind go, I give him green.  Where I appreciate all that he is.  All that this place is.  All that it means to us and our relationship.


This is OUR oasis. And i cherish it so much for that. Cherish it so much for all that it has given to me, to us, and forever will give.


And boy am I excited to be here where the only thing I think about is when Ill fit meals into the fun and my responsibilities are to husk corn and clean up after a yummy dinner. Where I get to read about life, love, travel, exploring, understanding, fantasy, whatever I want. Where I wake up and cover my cereal in fresh fruit sit on the porch taking it all in.  Read for a while, change into my swimsuit.  Play, swim, eat, read, relax... and do it all over again. Perfect.


The boat comes tomorrow.  A toy for us to relish in our love of being and doing together. Then Jes and Kylie come Friday.  And again I will cherish being able to let go and just be here together :)


A week of relaxing and letting go.  Of finding where we meet. Of understanding who he is.  What he has given to me. Of loving instead of getting frustrated. Of enjoying instead of being aware of the imperfections. Cause we are in the perfect place to forget about all but the love and the good.  To a week in OUR oasis. 

T minus 6.5 hours til Im off!

hellloooooo


So.. lately I have a VERY close relationship with this couch I am currently sitting on, the cozy quilt covering me, the pillow behind my head and the back of my eye lids. I have been taking THE most epic naps lately and frankly they are starting to worry me a little. Just kidding but I think my body is either STILL recovering from the RYLA exhaustion, or aware that the summer is soon coming to a close and the school year will be in full swing.  Its like a subconcious understanding either that I will be sooo busy that I need to stock up on sleep now or just my body getting in the habit of daily naps.  I have a love hate relationship with it. I love naps but as I told Kels I really dont have time to take two hour naps everyday. Holy moly.


Also.. my little brain is spending loads of time in either RYLA land or Santa Clara land.  Ooo lovely, two of my favorite lands. Thoughts and memories and ideas and excitement and sooo many things to think about. Im still holding on so tight to RYLA and feeling it soo much. Rotary meeting today with drum roll please... SIX SUMMIT RYLARIANS!!! DUDE.. .SIX!!! Thats is 600% of what went three years ago.  And one was missing.  So RYLA participation has umm i dont even know how to say that word (i just googled it) SEPTUPLED! That in itself is wonderful. Not to mention the fact that they are all out of this world and are gonna RYLA the heck out of Summit County and that the Summit Rotary Club um LOVES us and wants to give lots of money so more people can go and that I just feel right at home there because I have been there thanking them so many times.  I just love it. So dang much. And am so addicted and attached and inspired by it.  Im not letting go, even if the cards dont align for head jc I will find another way. Sorry world you cant get in my way :) And I also just have to give a shout out to the Cuadrado family. Rolo has absolutely changed my life and I am so thankful for him and the relationship we have and I am learning about how wonderful his kids are and its just really great to see a wonderful family and have him as a mentor and my RYLA daddy :)
Also.. I am talking on the phone to all but like 4 counselors right now which is wonderful and challenging all at the same time :) But how I love them oh so so so much and bahhh RYLA just makes my heart huge and its wonderful!!!!!


And I am so excited to be back at school for so many reason.


But Im still here and I cant forget to enjoy here. So! Tonight I went for the best run of the whole summer at the lake.  A run where my little legs just kept going and I listened to my breathing and took in the out of this world view and it felt so good. And then i sat on a rock and just looked at the mountains and the sunset and the lake. And listened to one tribe and RYLA memories flooded my head and I thought about where I've been and where I am and how beyond content I am right now.  I love it. Then I went to Erics and I just sat with him.  I thought about life as 5. I do that all the time. And realized again I will never ever ever know what it'd be like. I thought about him coming to Michigan with us. I wondered where he was. Like really where...and how is it and what does he do there. And then I choked up. Sometimes I dont and other times I do. And tonight I just wanted to hug him, more than anything in the world. But sitting there is hugging him in a crazy kinda way. And I love going there :) I came home and had delicious dinner with mom. Confrenced called with that crazy amazing family of mine and realized its time to pack. 


Ill be on my way to michigan in 6 and a 1/2 hours. Not fully packed, or rested or showered. Oopsies. I always do this to myself the night before a trip. Its ok though. I cant wait. So much good is coming. So much relaxing and thinking and loving and playing and learning about my pop. Im ready to learn. Be ready for big blogs. :) Night!

takin in all there is to love

My big comfy bed awaits me. So does the coffee shop in too few hours. But.. my little head and heart have so much to share. Um.. as always


Last night I got something in the mail from school. And i got so excited.  Like when I got my acceptance letter and the letters about when I get to move in and my roomate and all that jazz. I love that place so dang much just its name on an envelope excites me. I thought it'd be something about money or moving in or something logisticish... nope a letter of congratulations cause I made the Dean's List. I like that. I like that that envelope reminded me of getting in and the letter reminded me of how being there is just right. And that I love it and am doing what I should be there.  Its ok that my parents arent jumping for joy about it cause in my head its just one more piece of motivation.


The response to my excitement was frustrating.  They are removed. And I wish they could understand the importance.  And give me a reason to come to them with news like that.  And for a minute I was upset and then I realized the only reason I even know how I want them to respond is because there are people in my life that do respond that way.  I know what I wish my family was because of my RYLA family and for that I am so so so unbelievable lucky.


I sent a random message today to someone who inspires the crap out of me.  And got the most wonderful message back. Only in RYLA land. And I love that. I want all life and land and family to be like RYLA family. And i think people might be sick of hearing it. But Im gonna live like I live in that land and maybe a couple people will catch on :)


I also had a reminded from my most wonderful soul sister about having a good attitude and choosing be in love with life. Every minute. Its so easy to wake up in the morning and feel like staying in bed all day. And easy to not want to go to work.  But its also easy to be so happy to be awake and alive and going to work. And to text someone that will remind you and put on good music and change my attitude. Her one reminder totally made my day better and I just love that. I love her. I love her for reminding me. I love people who keep me in check and make me better and show me how to live how I am supposed to. 


I just did such a wonderful thing for my soul.  I worked both places today and fit in time to finish my debrief about camp (sooo many ideas bubbling and exploding in my head) and chat with the Summit RYLA crew about our presentation Tues and see Dave and Tiff and work on our roadtrip to CALIFORNIA! Um... exciting!!!!!


Then tonight I decided to take my pups for a walk. At 9:30 through town.  I grew up being a little sketched out by this town.  Playing guy with the gun on the tramp anytime anyone walked by and I guess kinda not trusting people.  I dunno why. Ignorance I guess. But it stuck with me. And this summer when i've wanted to go outside at night I've chose not too cause Im a little scared. But tonight I took my dogs and we went. I wanted to look at the stars. I wanted to move and be outside.  And it was such a wonderful decision.


We just walked. And took random turns. And took in the stars and the mountains and the mind boggling peacefulness that is this town. I saw it again from a whole new point of view. Peaceful, quiet, safe, and like it was mine to go for late night walks in.  I laid in the road and looked at the stars, swung on some swings and walked by some younger kids saying good night with a kiss.  It was so good.  The stars totally blew me away and the sillhouettes of the mountains was like a painting. And the one cloud in the sky was lit up time and time again by lightning. Man it was cool. And inspiring and peaceful and so feel good.  And I wanted someone to be with me but at the same time I love the fact that I can do that by myself and be content.  There were times in my life that I always had to be with people.. and I love that I have learned to enjoy my time alone. And to spend time with my thoughts and my trusty pups and to learn about myself and listen to myself. And that I can trust this little town and enjoy it for all that it is. And that life is so dang good :)


I talked to Zachy and Kels and my bro when I got home. And felt my heart. And again was reminded of how in love with life I am :)


So good. Go do something with you. For you.


Michigan in two days. And til then, two doubles, night with Catie, Rotary meeting... oh and maybe I should pack :)


Hope your takin in all there is to see :) xoxoxox

Running with RYLA

Good morning world :)


Im sitting in Abbys drinking an Americano.. yummy a new found coffee love thanks to 3 hours of sleep a night at RYLA and some serious need for coffee.  I stayed with Zachy at his new condo last night and got up early with him.  Im gonna work on RYLA debriefing and then go rollerblade. But first.. I had thoughts.


I wrote the other night of all the wonderful and love and out of this world of RYLA. And I closed my computer and my heart felt a weird mix of whole and incomplete. Whole cause I have had this experience again, whole because I have the most amazing family from this experience I could ever ask for, cause my kids were empowered, cause I was empowered, cause I know I will take it with me forever and always wherever I go. And incomplete cause its over, incomplete cause the transition home is always harder than I want it to be. Cause I missed those people next to me laughing, telling stories, cuddling, reminding me off all the amazing things in the world, all the amazing things I want to do and be, and constantly surrounding me with love.  Incomplete cause of the unknown of next year, cause of the scariness of life, my life, your life, the kids life, all of life. Its so scary, so unfair, so so many things.  I was funking.  Laying on the couch curled up eating chocolate chips trying to figure out how to feel good about home after being in a place where feeling good isnt even a thought cause you just do.. every minute all the time.


So I called in the ranks. Sent out text messages to remind me how much good and love and hope there is in the world.  Talked to Kels and Stan and Miguel and Kerry and all these people about how much I love them, how thankful I am to have them. I called Mik and we talked a little RYLA and a little real life.  And I fell asleep reminded how much hope and love there is.  Yesterday I worked and then took a much needed nap. I felt the withdrawls again.  Seriously I will never do drugs if it feels anything like coming off of the counselor crack, the Young RYLA high.  Physical exhaustion, confusion, lonliness, lack of motivation. Ha.. sounds rediculous but Im not even kidding its the craziest thing.  I got up and I went for a run, and I put on my new jeans and snacked on frozen raspberries and was reminded to Seize the Day!.. Carpe Diem.  And its so true. There is so much good and hope and love and empowerment and passion and so many things. So many things I remind other people to hold onto and have to remind myself to hold onto.


I came home with RYLA with so much new. New understanding. New family. New friends.  New hope and passion and excitement. When I think of the week in one word I think of empowering or empower or empowerment.  I saw the kids eyes light up knowing they had the power to love life, to do something to help the world, to wake up every morning and hold onto all the sunshine in their lives. The power to forgive and love and expect respect, acknowledgement and so many things. I learned about choices. Choosing everyday to have a good attitude, to be couragous and passionate. To fight for the things that matter. Kelsey taught me about forgiveness. Something I may not have known that I needed to learn about. I can forgive. She can forgive. We can love and go on with our lives leaving with as much love and joy as possible with the people who have hurt us and let us down.  Forgiveness is a big one that i think I need to remember and work on.  Consequences, values, setting goals. All the things I preach and teach.  I learned those things too and I have to remember everyday to bring them home with me. And I will. I promise to RYLA and the family and team I and the world and more than anything to myself that I will bring all these things home with me and live them everyday and feel good about everyday and feel and know that I have control over life. Life does not have control over me.


Summer is ending real fast. I go to Michigan on Wednesday. Every year that is a reminder that its almost time to go back to school. And I couldnt think of a better way to end my summer. I am so very excited. Excited to spend the week with my daddy and Jesse and Kylie. To forgive and build those relationships. To love and to enjoy each others company. To learn about them, to share with them all of my thoughts and dreams and feelings.  To just be together. Im so excited to lay in the sun and read, to swim in the lake, to waterski and drive the boat. To grill and listen to Jimmy Buffet. To lay in the hammock and thing about how wonderful life is.  To be in one of my favorite places in the world with people who I love and who I need this time with. 


I had Nozawa with Liv last night, she's going back to Boulder tomorrow. And Zachy moved into his condo.  Kerry and Mik went back to Washington, school is starting, people are leaving and Im thinking about last year at this time.  What a different feeling this year for so many reasons. What a different summer. Liv and I talked about how now we have to make dinner and coffee dates. About how we work so much and fit each other in. Instead of spend so much time together and fit work in. We're growing up. And Im reminded of who is so close by the people who we make time to see, who we have dinner dates with and all that.  Im ok with going back to school, I'm ok with goodbyes and dinner dates.  Because at this point I know who matters. I know who I will stay close with, who i will see and call and skype with.  And those are the people who most important, the rest will be whatever they will be. And I am ok with that. 


Im so excited to go back to school. Excited to keep moving towards something.  To be in a place where I can put all that I have learned into action. To be around people who are passionate and excited and learning and growing. To adventure and explore and focus on me again.  I am more excited to go this year even than I was last year because this year I know how perfect it is. This year I know how much I love it and how much wonderfulness is there. I am so excited to be back with Hayley and Stella and the fantastic four and all of the people who I love. And Im excited to meet new people and be so involved with SCCAP and to take classes that are so relative to what I wanna do with my life. Im excited to go back and be more sure of myself, more passionate, more confident and more knowledgable about what it is I really wanna do with my life. I am so excited! :)


I also told Liv I am more attached to home than I was last year when I left. Im leaving in love with this place and excited to come back. Im not leaving sad and frustrated and hurt and ready to get the heck out of here.  Im leaving in love with home.. In all senses of the word... Leadville, mountains, family, friends, Colorado, RYLA, Summit County... so many pieces that make this home.  I am in love with it, I am content, I am fortunate. And I know in my head that I want to come back someday... for some amount of time.  I was reminded this summer of all that it is and the reasons it is home. And why I have the best of both worlds. 


I am so content, I am sad to leave but not also ready to go back.  No part of me is upset about where I am at no matter where it is. I am moving along wonderfully in life and I love it. I happy with all that I have and oh do I have so much. So much to look back on and be thankful for, so much to look forward to and so much right here right now carpe diem to be in love with :)


I have been thoughtful lately about so many things.  I go through all this life to learn more about life and people and myself. I make mistakes, I have accomplishments and proud moments and moments where Im down in the dumps. But at the end of the day Im so stoked on life and learn more and more everyday.  I learned something about people being genuine this summer, about deserving love and respect and about giving it.  I learned a whole freaking lot. And Im so stoked that I had my withdrawl and popped up from it and am ready to take RYLA and all the other stuff and run with it :)


That was big unload.. haha, so much. And always more :)
Keep running with life, your in control, give and receive love, be passionate, feel good about where you are and where you are going. Seize the day and find what makes you come alive :) XOXOXO

R... Y.... L... A... enough said

Today as I was driving home from two more RYLA love filled days my ipod ran out of battery and the radio wasnt up to par. So.. I listened to my thoughts. Of how behind I am in blogging and so much more. So many thoughts, way more than my daily quota, but thats why I am here. To spill the thoughts, to spread the feeling, to remember, to inspire, to enjoy...


I am exhausted, ecstatic, in love, thankful, at a loss for words, scared, confused, unsure, passionate, fortunate, excited and so many more things.


Young RYLA 2010 has come to a close.  The pictures are up, the kids are home navigating real life, and the counselors are starting to disperse to their respective school year homes.  The shirts are in the wash and the feelings of love and excitement and passion stir in my heart wanting to be let out again.  I wish I had words to explain the week. To explain the fortune that I feel to be a part of it.  The amazingness that comes out of the 8th graders and the staff alike.  The sadness of ending my time as a junior counselor and knowing that it is time to let go of my kiddos, of watching them walk away back into life where its hard to keep balance.   The inspiration and learning and growing and love and excitement and hope that comes out of a week spent with 8th graders who have so much potential to change the world and to choose to enjoy the good things and to be passionate and inspire others and forever live and spread the RYLA magic.


My team was out of this world. The kids laughed and made me laugh more than I even knew possible. They were so mature and kind hearted and fun and loving and just so great. We barely had any problems. And breezed through the week with our biggest challenge being laughing too much. They all came so far and learned so much about themselves and working with others and more than anything that taught me so much.  Their acceptance and empathy blew me away and some of the scary life they've faced broke my heart. I had moments of realizing life is incredibly unfair and that these kids are being forced to grow up faster and faster everyday.. moments where my heart was so heavy for the pain they have felt.  And even more moments where their strength and love of life and laughter reminded me that they would be ok.  Their intelligence and creativity and ability to work together reminded me that they could get through anything and that if no one else in the world, those 10 kids will make it out on top and do big things for this world cause they are absolutely out of this world kiddos.  


They made me so proud minute after minute and the way they came together was so wonderful to watch.  We became a family so fast and held on tight to all the quirks and strengths and balancing each other out they we learned to find. We learned about focus and communication and learning to follow as a leader. About struggle and overcoming. About choices, values, and all the millions of pink sticky notes that covered the board with things that keep us on top, with reminders of how wonderful life is.  Every single kid did the zip line, they overcame challenges, learned about each other, and more than anything else they were empowered. Seeing in their eyes that they knew they had the ability to do something.. about the struggles at home or problems at school or world wide things.. they were reminded that they have choices and values and control... because in 8th grade sometimes it seems all out of your control.  Hearing them say they believed in themselves and that they would go home and make a difference or even just seeing the look when the loud ones chose to be a little more in the background or when they worked hard to pull in the less talkative kid or asked me to share about my life. I saw in their eyes the maturity they found in being empowered, maybe the most important thing about RYLA. 


Man just thinking about it gives me goosebumps and butterflies.  The speakers were amazing, the feelings of love and acceptance were everywhere and the light from the eyes of those kids could light up the whole world.  The staff was out of this world, giving every last drop of themselves to those kids and coming together as a team dedicated to the same thing.  We left with tears and smiles and all sorts of memories and laughs.  Man it was so good.


Mikalia and Scotty blew it away... doing everything 110% and making that camp exactly what it is supposed to be. The cohesion and focus on the kids and changes that were made were absolutely out of this world.  The counselors word's of focus made me tear up.  Attitude, friendship, integrity, forgiveness, begin, courage, fight, content, succcess, surmountable, Mikailia's wonderful word about the sun rising everyday and passion. All so good. Such important things to live by. Amazing people who inspire me and make me better minute after minute. I laughed so hard my abs hurt and had much needed conversations and everything about the whole week was absolutely out of this world. These words cant do justice, no words ever will be able to, but man is it so good, so much feeling my heart :)


My journey as a JC is over... my two years are up, and that fits funny in my head but even funnier in my heart. I have learned this is a life long journey. I am passionate and inspired to take this with me much farther than this two years.  But still its hard to let go of where it started. There is so much talk about head J.C.. Talk that makes me excited and scared and forces me to remind myself that however it happens it will happen right and that my journey does not depend on the selection of head j.c.. The relationships I have created are more than I could have ever asked for and the encouragement and support that come from this amazing family are something I have been looking for my whole life.  


Now I am home and I lay here figuring out how to put it into life.  Jess and I chat for hours about life and how scary it is but how we can get past it because of RYLA and something that is inside of us.  We talk about being our RYLAself at home and being that person in our worst moments. Thats the true test. Its about continuing to nourish those relationships.  Having lunch with Craig, long phone convos with Rolo, driving to Greely to feel the love of RYLA and forever remembering all that this is to me. I'm in denial a little to think that this could be the end of a chapter.  But ends of chapters mean begennings of new ones. And i just hope I never forget this feeling, the amazing soaring feeling that comes from a week at RYLA that is unexplainable, and completely impossible to understand.


I am commited to RYLA. I am commiting to doing something big and impactful with all that I have received and learned and conquered with RYLA as my support system.  I am so fortunate. So blessed. So many things to be a part of this amazingness.  


There is so much more that I could go on and on about forever. And I will come back to that.


In other news.
1. I miss Santa Clara, I'm ready to go back and put this into life
2. Summer is coming to an end real quick
3. Michigan in ONE WEEK
4. Zachy moved to Breck... end of a chapter
5. I'm ready to be done working... ready for something real life to happen
6. I wonder what I will do with my life. I think ill start looking at classes and planning and all of that crazyness
7. I feel like I let myself down, Im skeptical of the things that come out of some peoples mouth. Like Jess said I need a moral compass so I ALWAYS know what to do in that situation... moral compasses, talked lots about those at camp ;)
8. I love my RYLA fam more than life itself. And cannot believe all that they do for me
9. I already have plans in my head for next summer. SLOW DOWN
10. I have so much more to talk about but my eyes are fighting to stay open as usual. I work bright and early so Im goin to bed bright and early.


More to come.. as always


<3 <3 <3