Im not sure where to start.
My eyes hurt from crying. But my heart is full. Of love and memories and life and remembering and feeling. Ive been going through all of our boxes of pictures. And have made some serious progress. Always there are things that ping my heart. Pictures of our family as a whole. Pictures of me and Eric. Jesse and Eric. Letters and cards from people sending their thoughts and prayers. Those boxes are full of life, loss and love. And going through them is so fulfilling to me cause so much of that life and loss I didnt feel like they did. And everytime I go through it I feel it a little more, I experience a little more, learn a little more. First I found an autograph book from Disneyland. Signed by all sorts of characters.. and then mom and dad "To me amor, love mom" "To my most beautiful daughter, love dad". Thats when the first tears came. When I was their world. When love was shown all the time. I was their pride and joy. Life kinda got in the way of that.
Then came the journal. The journal I have looked at so many times and balled my eyes out everytime. It starts when Jesse is born, mom talking about the joy of being pregnant, about wanting 2 or 3 kids, about loving my dad so much, about all these things that are now so far away. She skips years and years in between. To Eric's birth. To Eric's first diagnosis, to his relapses, and random things here and there in between. In the beginning of May 91 she starts to write everyday, after the doctors tell her Eric has very little time left. Sometimes she writes about her feelings, more often she is very to the point, this is what we did. You can tell she is scared and a little bit numb but they are filling their days full. Then May 28th. She writes, Eric died at noon. From then on she writes day after day of the experiences the feelings the loss. And I read and I ball, and sob, and cry my heart out. And feel it all through her. I feel for her, I feel for our family, I feel for Eric. I miss him like she does, I am reminded of all the pain that they and we have all felt. The pain that is so easy to find when I read those things that comes right back to the surface. But its ok for me to feel it. I do this every once and a while. Go through the pictures and books and cards and just feel it. I think its important for me since I was so young and there is so much I don't understand. I learn through the pictures and stories, again and again as I get older and can understand and feel more. And as much as it hurts I love it. I love to feel it. I love to learn about it. Even with my eyes blurry and sleeves soaked from tears I cant stop reading, I want to know it all, all the feelings.
Its crazy how that changed us. How my mom felt it all. And my dad probably did too. But reading her writing makes it so real. And I wish we could all be together and I could hug them and tell them how very much I love them and we could all cry together. Cause its so much better to feel things together. I miss him. I wish just like she does that we had more life together. I wish for her that she could have kept him her life. She would be so much more whole. She lost so much, and I think in some ways she never got it back. I want to give it all back to her. What a thing to go through. I hope someday we can all be together again. I dont know about god or religion or heaven, but I truly hope is up there and that is where we will all end up. And we can be happy and together and love each other. And it will all come circle.
I want her to be happy more than anything, to have the full life she dreamt of, to grow and explore and give back. In the early parts of the journal she wrote of wanting all the things I want now. Of not wanting to be stuck in Leadville, of exploring and giving and being open to people and the world and finding peace within herself. I hope someday she can do that.
Its so hard to feel all of that. But I always come out of it knowing that I was given so much from this loss. I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes its hard to understand those reasons, and sometimes maybe things dont turn out as planned, but I have faith in something, that everything will be ok. Everything in my life is so wonderful. I am so lucky and so in love with life. I have found my way. And have so much wonderful life left to live and learn from. Life is not about it being easy, life is about learning and growing and loving. And I think I can do that. I hope at some point everyone gets to where I am. In love with life. Excited everyday to grow and learn and explore and to live.
I have so many more thoughts...
dinner w/ Ferne tonight... wonderful
4 nights left at home.. bittersweet
2 days left of work.. awesome
letting go of Leadville forever... not sure Im ready for that
being in Santa Clara.. so ready for that
so much to be excited for, so much to love, and easy to think about the things Im letting go of. Another new chapter. And I know so well that its going to be wonderful and that all of life just flows together. Somehow :)
Goodnight
Dont forget to feel and love and learn!
XOXOXO <3
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