rich meaningful and whole versions of ourselves

Hello there little blog land. Happy Summer... its starting to feel like it a little more. I have spent the last week in Boulder, Fort Collins, Idaho Springs seeing friends, playing with my sweet Kamryn, and doing lots of RYLA work. And now I am home ready to just be here some. Its funny though, all that roaming around Colorado sorta made me feel like it was just a short break. Then I got home last night and realized how much I miss that other home that I have come to love so dearly.

Home has been great, and I really haven't actually been home home much. But I have seen so many friends and been busy with RYLA planning and all the stuff that will fill my summer. And as wonderful as it is here, really I love it and I love that my best friends know me like no one else ever will, it is just such a different world.

I just talked to Cara and we talked about how the conversations are different and how people I have known for a year know me sooo well, and its just a different me that they know than the one who people know here. I guess in a way everyone at school knows the most present version of me, the me that is so excited and passionate about social justice issues and education and different cultures and seeing and doing and living every moment to the fullest. And the friends here know the life that formed me to be this person, the Michelle that loves people and is strong because she has to be and they know my life is a little different than theirs. But the conversations are just different. One is not better than the other just different because of different contexts. At school conversations regularly revolve around travel and marginalized communities and education and how we are gonna change the world. And so much of that is because my closest friends have become the ones who spend their time learning about these issues and we are in a place where we are constantly forced to think about these issues and challenge ourselves and for that I am so so so very grateful. I told Cara maybe its just because at school everything we do is so rich and meaningful and we are such whole versions of ourselves cause in our classes, at our SCCAP program and arrupe placements and even sometimes on weekends we are are constantly challenged to see things from a different perspective, to look deep within ourselves and our culture and our lifestyle and be so aware of all we have and of all the other lifestyles out there. So we are always thinking about things in a somewhat raw form, where as sometimes at home it is easy to just be.

I think a mix of the two is good. It is good to questions and think and push for change but it is also ok sometimes to let your head and heart rest and soak up the life that you have. I think that the last two years of questioning and looking at different cultures and learning about social justice has allowed me to love every moment of this life so much more. But in some ways at home, without my LUCHA kiddos and Comida and Conversation and friends always talking about different issues whether it be labor rights, international conflicts, immigration rights or education problems.. it just feels like something is missing. I know that this time at home being with myself is good for me before the plunge into four months of being pushed out of my comfort zone and seeing the pain and struggles of another culture. Of questioning where I come from and why I have so much when others have so little. I know it is good for me to just be, but this transtition from the constantly thoughtful and insightful life I live at Santa Clara to the slower less diverse life I live here is just a little bit of a slow one.

Earlier I was thinking of this year and how if I could I would write a love letter to it. It has been so very important to who I am. And just as much as it is important for me to get into the swing of the different but wonderful life that is here it is important for me to take that passion and energy and concern that I feel every moment there into this life. I need to find a way to feed that part of my soul because I know the life and energy and passion and diversity is here in this little town, the things that have become so special to me, the chance to create relationships that sometimes you would not create, that is all her, I just need to find it. And in so many ways Young RYLA feeds that part of me and it will more and more as I get to spend time with the counselors and put all the planning into action and the most once I am there watching those little faces light up. But til then I need to find something right here that can help to feed my soul.

I just was looking through my pictures from the year and I think of that girl that came into fall quarter excited somewhat sure somewhat unsure. Deciding between Spain and El Salvador.  Not sure how I fit into the SCCAP community. Afraid of letting go of all that was freshmen year but excited as could be to relive that amazingness. I had no idea. I had no idea how much I would continue to change. The people that I would encounter and become best friends with. The conversations I would have that challenged me and opened me up to the world. The decisions I would make that would lead to this path I am on now that could have been so different if I had decided to study abroad in Spain and to major in Sociology and English. I know that the other options could have been equally rich and fulfilling and wonderful but just so very different.  Freshmen year I thought about being independent, about passion, about community service. This year I thought about vulnerability, about healing, about self esteem, about social justice about learning from people who so often we feel we should teach, about stepping back and listening about love and about passion that comes out in such a different way than I thought it did freshmen year. I learned so much and deepened all that has been forming forever and as I always say the steps just fit together perfectly.

I am ready to be here. I am ready to make the most out of it and search for ways to feed my soul. Ways that may be different than I think. Im ready to spend time in my mountains and with that big star filled sky and think about all the things that have happened and prepare for all the beauty that is ahead of me. Im ready to be with my best friends and try to integrate the two Michelles, that deep down are so united but on the surface are still searching for the perfect balance.  The conversations that I had so frequently there and at the end the vulnerability that I allowed myself to seep through to build those beautiful relationships, I need to bring that back here. I need to push myself to have the conversations that matter, cause even if they are not every day the people here get it.

My life is too beautiful for me too handle. Even when somedays tears come out unexpectedly and situations feel a little funny in my soul. I know it is all part of the plan and I know that if I have the right attitude and make it what I want of it each step will fit perfectly.

So heres to sophomore year teaching me so much, to the love that I was surrounded by, to the forming that happened, and to a summer of meshing these lives. Of feeding my soul, of processing my thoughts, of preparing for the next step.

XOXO

I can dig it

I still havent processed.. not even a little bit. And Im much too tired to write anything profound. But I feel like if I dont do it soon enough Im gonna forget all the beauty thats been happenin in my life lately.

I can dig it...

Sophomore year ended so wonderfully. Thursday night we celebrated... danced, hugged, loved, talked about upcoming adventures and just enjoyed ourselves. Friday night Hayley and I had an epic final sophomore year life chat. We walked all around campus prepared with tea and a lots behind and ahead to think about. We stopped at our spot where so many life chats have happened, ran through the itty bitty hills and laughed like we were 6, attempted to climb trees, sat on the couches outside the solar decathalon house and made a few extra laps through the mission gardens.  Its crazy that we only have two years under our belts as friends, feels like ages that we have known each other. And six months apart feels a little to long, but coming back to a room shared with her is so dang exciting.

Saturday was graduation... something that words definitely wont do justice for.  The senior women in my life this year have been so important... so special, inspiring, comforting, loving, formative and so many things.  They have guided me and effected me more than I will ever know and I feel so very lucky to have had them in my life this year. To Cara, Maddie, Diana, Elizabeth and Danielle... you ladies are the best in the world and I am so very excited to see all the love and beauty that you bring to the rest of the world.  We laughed a lot and we cried... and that was ok. Emotions are good and I feel lucky to have a life wonderful enough that changes bring tears. I will miss this year with the best community I could ever ask for. I will miss all the time spent with Cara... the laughing, whining, dinners, department meetings, adventures, so many things. I will miss Maddies forever hugs in the SCCAP office and a love thats never ending, Diana's exploding amounts of passion, her dancing and singing... the "mmeeeessshhh" and a the best hug that leads to a benson lunch I cant deny. I will miss Eli's love and sass.. that way she can make me laugh like none other and yoga with Danielle, the sass that comes in full swing when we're together and a super great relationship that started with a great conversation at the fall retreat. I will miss mass with these girls, their smiles and hugs and encouragement, their wisdom that seems so very knowledgable and helpful when I need it the most. But more than anything else I just feel so very thankful that I had this past year to learn so much from them. To aspire to be them, to learn about love, strength, passion, vulnerability and all these things that I know will help to form me. Thank you girls, you are the best ever and I will miss you dearly.

Sunday I hiked with Jesse and Kylie and the next couple days I just hung out, relaxed, said bye to people and it was so great. So many times I leave school stressed and with no sleep and it feels so emotional and silly. Giving myself sometime after all the packing was done just to see people and say goodbyes and relax a little was so great. I spent great time with Cara and Danielle dying laughing about stupid videos and had such a wonderful sleepover with DBu.. just what I needed to kick off my summer.

It was a perfect end to an even better year. Words cannot describe this year. So meaningful and influential, overflowing with so many things and just rich and full as can be. Such a good year. Always a little hard to say goodbye bWut each year I learn that each new always makes up for the ping in my heart of letting go of the old... life goes how its supposed to.. I really believe that.

Home has welcomed me home so wonderfully. The boys were home when I got here Wednesday and we drove up some narrow dirt roads to take in the view, Zachy played some guitar and we just looked at the big beautiful mountains that surrounded us. We made burritos and ate with our parents, hot tubbed and then took a fun walk home. Spent some quality time with my mama and we had a great talk. I wish i could give her the world, she is so strong and deserves so much but somehow life keeps a comin at her. I wish I could give her the life she has given me and I wish the pieces would all fit together a little. We spent the night in Summit, had some BBQ challenge and spent last night in Boulder and tonight in Fort Collins.

I left one beautiful place teeming with amazing friends for another. This little life and this tight crew of best friends I have here is so dang special and one of a kind. Its so comfortable to come home to this even if the conversations are different, it is home. And for now it feels right. In a week I might be sick of this little town but for now I am loving it. I get to see Mindy and Kam tomorrow and cannot wait. We had another get together for Young RYLA today and its all starting to feel a little more real.

All of this is crazy and exciting and my brains been too distracted with all the wonderfulness of this life to stop and over think too much. 

This life is good, and I sure can dig it. XOXOXO

asjdhauheqihpj

Helllo there... So I am in denial/ havent had time to process yet so this post is not what you are expecting. The cheesy thoughtfulness love mush extravaganzza will come soon. But this is just a little snapshot.

Sophomore year is over. My 2011 graduate inspirations have graduated and the Clara is a deserted land.  The last few days have been full of packing, moving, celebrating, goodbyes, so much fun and just enough tears to remind me how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.

This year has been out of this world and the people who came into my life have had such an impact. The goodbyes were more see ya laters but the tears flowed saying goodbye to this beautiful year we have had together, this community that has been so formative to me... amazing.

Ill be home in a couple days to take and prepare for the next journeys. Some goodbyes ended with "See ya in El Salvador".. the easiest of them all, and others not til January.  Sad to leave but thankful I have a reason to be sad and so very excited for all thats to come.

Happy Summer, be prepared for me to be back when it really hits! XOXOX

Almost done?

Sitting here babysitting thinking of how close to over this year is. In 24 hours I'll be done with all my work. In 2 days I'll be moved out of the dorms...and never live in them again. In 4 days my beloved seniors will graduate And start the next chapter in their lives. And in 8 I'll be home. I can't wrap my mind around it. It's exciting and scary and sad and all sorts of crazy all at the same time. Not sure I'm ready to let go of this amazing year, but also so excited for what's to come. Wow..lots to process. Here's to the last few days. I'll be back soon. Xoxoxo

Beauty and Fragility

Good morning world... its been a while. Lifes been a happenin.. so just a little summary

Saturday I was reminded of how fragile life is, I came here to write about it but it just didnt flow.  On Saturday my Eric has been somewhere else watching over us for 20 years. When I called my mom to tell her I was sick she told me my Grandma no longer recognizes her. Unexpected tears streamed down my face as I thought of the spunky, healthy Grandma that has slowly changed over the past 5 years, and how next time I see her, she wont know my name.  I looked at the picture at the end of my bed. My most cherished picture in the whole entire world, Eric holding me in the hospital. So gently and with so much love and concern in his eyes. I imagine in that moment all he was trying to tell me, all the wisdom and love and life he was trying to pass on to me. I think it worked. Life, like those tears streaming down my face, is oh so very fragile. Forming, dropping and eventually evaporating. Full of emotions, love, and more life than we can wrap our minds around. Each moment is so special and the people that come in and out even more special.  I and so many in my world, unlike so many others, are blessed that we rarely worry about the possibility of this life ending, we are not poverty stricken, starving, surrounded by disease, fighting cancer, or struggling to find the next breath. I am comfortable, healthy and oh so very happy. And sometimes its easy to forget how fragile this all is. So, for my Eric, and my Grandma.. I will remember how special every moment, every life, encounter, emotion, and experience really is.

In light of all that, Thursday night I suddenly got hit with a whole bunch of uncomfortableness...fever, cough, head ache, body aches, all the joy of being sick. So... I spent most of my weekend in bed taking care of myself. And honestly, it was really enjoyable.  Lots of times when I get sick I know that it is my body telling me to slow down and take care of me, and lots of times I dont listen. But this time, I listened. I slept, watched movies, did homework and forced myself to get some fresh air everyday but didnt push myself. I had mellow and fantastic dates with my two best friends and just let myself relax... it was fantastic and... Im almost 100% healthy now, who woulda thunk it ;)

So, I dont know how I have failed to write about this yet, but my Tuesdays this quarter have turned out to be my most favorite day of the week. I dont have class, but go non stop from one thing to another and I love it. On days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, am tired or stressed, the events of my Tuesdays never fail to turn around my mood. They start off with 2 hours at LUCHA with the 3rd graders I have spent the whole year with. They all know me well now and I love the relationship I have created with them. They call me "kiddo" and "Ms. Michelle, Ms. Michelle" rings through the classroom. They are such awesome kids and I wish I could spend more time with them.  Its funny being in a third grade class and remembering myself then. So full of yourself yet so very unsure...thats just what they are. They think they've got it all figured out, or so they let everyone else believe, but if you look into their eyes you can see this big world around them they are trying to figure out. They are in a place that is trying so hard to give them the education they deserve, and I can only hope that they continue to receive that education and go out and make something of themselves.

After that I run back to school, switch cars and am off to babysit for the day. I have had this nannying job since Marchish and have really come to enjoy it. The little girl is about 8 months old and with time has come to know me and we have a routine down. Spendin time with babies has always been one of my favorite things, and I love that I get to do it at least once a week with her. Part of me wishes I could stay all summer with her, but duty calls :)

Finally, as if thats not enough to fill my soul...this quarter my Arrupe for Spanish and Poli Sci is Comida and Conversation. A program started and ran by Santa Clara alums and students that is so wonderful.  Students from SCU and adults from the community, many of which are taking English classes at Sacred Heart come together to eat a meal and just chat.  You spend 30 mins speaking in Spanish and 30 in English, sometimes one on one and sometimes with a couple English speakers to one Spanish speaker. It is absolutely wonderful and never fails to allow for the best conversations.  Practicing my Spanish is only a little part of the wonderfulness but more so the relationships that have been created and the stories that have been told. Last night was our last night and it was so sad, we spent forever saying goodbye and even made plans to get together with a couple of the women for dinner. The people there are so great and all the stories and wisdom they have bestowed on me will be with me forever. Its such an amazing way to bring people together, break barriers, learn a new language and create relationships. Something we should all do and something that gives me a glimpse into some of what will come out of El Salvador in the fall.

So... its June 1st. In 8 days sophomore year will be over. That is crazy talk. Im ready though. I have loved this year more than I can put into words and so many beautiful friendships and moments have come out of it. But I am ready for the next step. Ready for the summer at home that will let me process it all, have some me time, relax and spend time with my mama and all the wonderful people in that world.  Between now and then there will be lots of hours in the library, some stress, three papers turned in, two finals taken and one final presentation given. I will enjoy the moments of free time that I can find, celebrate the wonderful wonderful people around me and just take it for exactly what it is. Absolutely wonderful and time for the next step. Heres to the last couple weeks of sophomore year and the time left with some of the most amazing people in the world.

Celebrate the beauty and fragility that is this life. Take care of you, spend time with other people who will fill you up and take it all in. Ill see you in two weeks Colorado <3