Hello there little blog land. Happy Summer... its starting to feel like it a little more. I have spent the last week in Boulder, Fort Collins, Idaho Springs seeing friends, playing with my sweet Kamryn, and doing lots of RYLA work. And now I am home ready to just be here some. Its funny though, all that roaming around Colorado sorta made me feel like it was just a short break. Then I got home last night and realized how much I miss that other home that I have come to love so dearly.
Home has been great, and I really haven't actually been home home much. But I have seen so many friends and been busy with RYLA planning and all the stuff that will fill my summer. And as wonderful as it is here, really I love it and I love that my best friends know me like no one else ever will, it is just such a different world.
I just talked to Cara and we talked about how the conversations are different and how people I have known for a year know me sooo well, and its just a different me that they know than the one who people know here. I guess in a way everyone at school knows the most present version of me, the me that is so excited and passionate about social justice issues and education and different cultures and seeing and doing and living every moment to the fullest. And the friends here know the life that formed me to be this person, the Michelle that loves people and is strong because she has to be and they know my life is a little different than theirs. But the conversations are just different. One is not better than the other just different because of different contexts. At school conversations regularly revolve around travel and marginalized communities and education and how we are gonna change the world. And so much of that is because my closest friends have become the ones who spend their time learning about these issues and we are in a place where we are constantly forced to think about these issues and challenge ourselves and for that I am so so so very grateful. I told Cara maybe its just because at school everything we do is so rich and meaningful and we are such whole versions of ourselves cause in our classes, at our SCCAP program and arrupe placements and even sometimes on weekends we are are constantly challenged to see things from a different perspective, to look deep within ourselves and our culture and our lifestyle and be so aware of all we have and of all the other lifestyles out there. So we are always thinking about things in a somewhat raw form, where as sometimes at home it is easy to just be.
I think a mix of the two is good. It is good to questions and think and push for change but it is also ok sometimes to let your head and heart rest and soak up the life that you have. I think that the last two years of questioning and looking at different cultures and learning about social justice has allowed me to love every moment of this life so much more. But in some ways at home, without my LUCHA kiddos and Comida and Conversation and friends always talking about different issues whether it be labor rights, international conflicts, immigration rights or education problems.. it just feels like something is missing. I know that this time at home being with myself is good for me before the plunge into four months of being pushed out of my comfort zone and seeing the pain and struggles of another culture. Of questioning where I come from and why I have so much when others have so little. I know it is good for me to just be, but this transtition from the constantly thoughtful and insightful life I live at Santa Clara to the slower less diverse life I live here is just a little bit of a slow one.
Earlier I was thinking of this year and how if I could I would write a love letter to it. It has been so very important to who I am. And just as much as it is important for me to get into the swing of the different but wonderful life that is here it is important for me to take that passion and energy and concern that I feel every moment there into this life. I need to find a way to feed that part of my soul because I know the life and energy and passion and diversity is here in this little town, the things that have become so special to me, the chance to create relationships that sometimes you would not create, that is all her, I just need to find it. And in so many ways Young RYLA feeds that part of me and it will more and more as I get to spend time with the counselors and put all the planning into action and the most once I am there watching those little faces light up. But til then I need to find something right here that can help to feed my soul.
I just was looking through my pictures from the year and I think of that girl that came into fall quarter excited somewhat sure somewhat unsure. Deciding between Spain and El Salvador. Not sure how I fit into the SCCAP community. Afraid of letting go of all that was freshmen year but excited as could be to relive that amazingness. I had no idea. I had no idea how much I would continue to change. The people that I would encounter and become best friends with. The conversations I would have that challenged me and opened me up to the world. The decisions I would make that would lead to this path I am on now that could have been so different if I had decided to study abroad in Spain and to major in Sociology and English. I know that the other options could have been equally rich and fulfilling and wonderful but just so very different. Freshmen year I thought about being independent, about passion, about community service. This year I thought about vulnerability, about healing, about self esteem, about social justice about learning from people who so often we feel we should teach, about stepping back and listening about love and about passion that comes out in such a different way than I thought it did freshmen year. I learned so much and deepened all that has been forming forever and as I always say the steps just fit together perfectly.
I am ready to be here. I am ready to make the most out of it and search for ways to feed my soul. Ways that may be different than I think. Im ready to spend time in my mountains and with that big star filled sky and think about all the things that have happened and prepare for all the beauty that is ahead of me. Im ready to be with my best friends and try to integrate the two Michelles, that deep down are so united but on the surface are still searching for the perfect balance. The conversations that I had so frequently there and at the end the vulnerability that I allowed myself to seep through to build those beautiful relationships, I need to bring that back here. I need to push myself to have the conversations that matter, cause even if they are not every day the people here get it.
My life is too beautiful for me too handle. Even when somedays tears come out unexpectedly and situations feel a little funny in my soul. I know it is all part of the plan and I know that if I have the right attitude and make it what I want of it each step will fit perfectly.
So heres to sophomore year teaching me so much, to the love that I was surrounded by, to the forming that happened, and to a summer of meshing these lives. Of feeding my soul, of processing my thoughts, of preparing for the next step.
XOXO
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