universe reminders... struggling, supporting and overcoming

The universe is smarter than we ever want to believe.

I went to the RYLA 25th anniversary on Saturday night. Drove up to Estes just like I did 4 years ago, all these feelings came rushing back. The nervousness that was precamp of who I was going to meet, what was coming out of the week, just a reminder of those feelings. Then before I could even wrap my mind around wondering what it would be like and searching for that feeling it just came exploding out of Willome Hall, the place where it all started. So many beautiful people and feelings and such a beautiful thing. Reconnecting with old friends and meeting new friends but automatically connecting because of this thing we are so lucky to be apart of. It was amazing, it fueled my soul. I drove to Fort Collins afterward to stay with Kamryn, my head rushed with thoughts and memories and gratitude. So so much gratitude for this world and life and the moments that have shaken and pushed me and help me find my way.

I came home and went in and out of my Leadville funk the last few days but again spent such meaningful time with important people. And have had conversations that needed to be had.  Sunday night I laid in my bed with someone so important and formative in my life and talked about faith. Faith that things work out somehow, a faith I have grown since senior year in high school when it seemed my life was all falling apart and suddenly I was ok and on my way out and since then have been living this beautiful picture perfect life of learning, growing, inspiration and stability. I talked about how I dunno if that faith would survive if something shook me. And the universe heard me.

Last night Katie and I made a delicious dinner, watched a girly feel good movie and just enjoyed some time together. For those moments it seemed like all was right in this world. My mama didnt get home til late and some too familiar 5th grade emotions errupted, a conversation was started and some truths came out that maybe I have been avoiding all summer. Our relationship is the best its ever been and compared to two years ago my mama is so healthy and happy and stable. But life doesnt just come in and out of your life and not leave any marks on your soul. Her heart has raw, hurt and unsure spots on it. Spots on it of fear, disappointment and insecuritie. Her life is still not exactly where she wants it, and definitley not where I want it.

The world has so much to offer us. I really believe that if we have the tools and attitude to go out there and search for more we will find more. Not more money or more stable jobs or even necessarily more support from our country and other people. But just more meaning deep down in our souls. This world is not kind enough to give everyone what they need, to allow everyone to have food on their tables and shelter over their heads and for so many without those things searching for something deep within their soul is the most challenging, but also the most meaningful. Our life here is preety dang glamorous compared to so many others. Yes money has been a struggle for years and in my mamas eyes it all doesnt make a lot of sense, but with time and effort I know she can get to a place where it makes a little more sense. And those bruises on her heart are a little more healed.

It shook me like I forgot I could be shaken. So many times during middle school and high school I felt those feelings. Of  fear, helplessness, dissapointment and sadness that she struggled. Last night I felt them all over again. I was so scared and so overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge that she actually isnt in as perfect of a place as she thought. Lucky for me I have some of the most amazing people in my life to remind me, guide me, support me and hear me out.

I needed to see that all was not just rainbows and butterflies. Maybe she hasnt had the conversations we have with anybody else. Maybe there is no one to push her and encourage her to find her way. Maybe this little town is gulping her up a little, and I needed to see that so before I take off for 4 months I can at least have the conversations with her.

I know that I cant fix it all, but admittedly will forever have the struggle of wishing I could. But I can support her and love her and be honest with her. Sometimes when you let yourself be alone with your head everything gets blown out of porportion. Like when you stay up late at night and things seem so much more complicated than they really are. Then the next morning you call your best friend and are reminded of all the things in your life that keep you on top, that fuel you, that help you to get through the hard times. I want to be that for my mama. I want to help her see there is more out there. And that overcoming so much of what she has is not the end. Life can continue to get better and more meaningful. She can continue for the rest of her life to become happier and more sure of this world.

Cause if we are here just here to settle, really what life are we bringing to this world? For the past 20 years my mama has taught me not to settle, she has taught me to be introspective, to challenge myself, to learn and grow and go places. To find meaning and look deep within the world for life and lessons. She has done such an amazing job instilling that in me. Maybe now it is my turn to remind her of all those things. Maybe the world just seems a little cloudy and she needs a trail to that moment of realization. The one I had the last day of senior year laying in the grass and have had again and again since then.

Thank you universe for shaking me a little, for being honest with me and bringing the struggles into the open. Heres to honesty and support and pain... but more than anything else to taking that pain and fear and running with it, to searching for a way to continue to overcome.