Campo Week

Campo week is over… we’ve been home since Friday in the comforts of this wonderful little place… emotions are so up and down and all over the place as we all try to process the week and get back into this lifestyle. It was an amazing week full of thinking and learning and for me, so very much love. From the first dinner Steph and I had with Juan and Mirtalla she called us hijas (daughters) and they treated us so wonderfully. We listened and struggled  and questioned and laughed a whole lot. Its hard to make words for so Im gonna put in some excerpts from my journal… more raw than my usual blogging but just a little in to where my head was at as the week went on.

People are talking about purpose, about this week being stupid or something else. I don’t want to think of it that way. I just want to be here learning, listening, seeing, asking, creating realtionships…

Our little 350 people town of Carasque in the mountains was celebrating San Francisco de Asis this week so we spent a lot of time together and the questioning was at an all time high… we have been ingrained to think this way and I know its positive but I struggled to just be present and take it for what it was.. something I think we have lost as a society.  We spent the first two days trying to figure out our place in all of it…

How do we live such different lives and what does that mean? Slash are our lives really that different? Is it ok to ask questions or are we intruding? I really just wanna be here and not overthink it all but for some reason that’s impossible and I wonder if thats an Americaly ingrained flaw… to not be able to just be. I wonder if they over think things, are they looking for meaning in their life, or is it just what it is?

What does it mean to search for meaning in your life? From the day I got to Carasque I wondered if they were searching for meaning or if they had found it or if it didn’t even matter. How can this life be enough? Slowly I realized.. maybe it really is just enough.

I wonder if we all lived like this would people be happier? I guess I can never know forsure but Juan and Mirtalla, they really seem happy to me. We talked with them last night after dinner about all sorts of life things. The war, faith, happiness and what they think about us being here. Jaun told us that life here is 1000 times better than living in the city. The view, the simplicity, his friends and family and being able mostly to sustain themselves off their plants and animals makes him really happy.

We look at Yamilec (20) and wonder if she’s happy staying here in this little life and never seeing much different. But maybe she really is. Maybe this is enough. I feel like we are socialized to think nothing is ever enough and we always have to go bigger, find, see and learn more. Maybe all we need to do is find happiness.. but don’t we also need to live for and with others. Is it selfish just to find happiness for ourselves when so many around us are struggling?  And maybe we are all meant to do different things…cause somehow our capitalistic society has to sustain itself right? I wonder what it would be like if we were living for a civilization of poverty instead of capitalism. Or just happiness, relationship, strength.

Wednesday we finally got to spend the whole day with our family. The day was slow, we woke up to all the noises of the animals and of Mami miking the cow. We tried to help but mostly just whitnessed their daily routine, milking and feeding the cow, taking care of the chickens, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes. We read and relaxed and chatted with them. They showed us around took us on a beautiful walk to get fish and we just soaked in all the beauty of this lifestyle. I felt so grateful. The purpose of us being there became more and more obvious and slowly I started to find a few conclusions in my head, each with another question attached

I remember sitting in the SCCAP office and Drew saying we probably would end up just asking more questions. And I think that’s totally true, Im asking so many questions. And I think through questions Ill find answers. But also sometimes I just want to live. With people in this life. As a human soaking it all up. And I think I can find ways to create change and for and with others while Im still just living in this life. That actually is probably the best way I can do it.

Being here is making me think of the Blue Sweater, of my major “International Development”, of my future, of creating change. And of doing that the right way by learning with the people.

I think that’s the point, questioning, answering and continuing to question. But also, figuring out how to just be and share with people. I think its about balancing it all out and there were so many moments of just being human in the midst of me trying to figure out my place in it all.

We lived about ten minutes outside of town and the walk was absolutely beautiful. Tuesday morning Steph and I walked into town alone with Juan… our Papi who was so very wonderful to us. Always checking on us, so open to sharing with us and showing us love in the most wonderful fatherly ways. He was a guerilla for four years in the war and on the walk explained to us how hard it was to leave his wife and new born baby to go. Why did you go I asked? “Because all the rich people had the land and the poor people had nothing, I thought if we won things would get better, there would be more equality” He explained that there is more equality, he feels like he has everything he needs. At dinner later we continued the conversation, he talked about being a 16 year old fighting in the war with 10 year olds. Being one of the three who came back from the war of 20 from Carasque who went to fight. It was a huge risk, but one he felt necessary to take. Its formed him and all of the people in the area. During our time there I read The Promised Land a book about a missionary from the states living in El Salvador during the war, the pain and stories he heard and saw and the light that people found in faith. Reading that while hearing Juans stories was so powerful, so real, so human. And that’s all I really wanted when I went it, to be human.

The serious moments will stick with me forever and were so very special, but the moments of laughter were the moments we really bonded. Wednesday during our exploring I asked if I could touch the horse, I moved slowly to pet it and for some reason it didn’t like that, I started to run away and then felt the blow of the horses hoof on my right thigh below my hip. In the moment I didn’t really know how to respond but the pain didn’t last long. Soon enough we were all laughing, bonding over the laughter and me trying to assure them that all was well. For the rest of the week we laughed about my fight with the horse, the fact he knew I was a gringa and the joys of living in life together. Don’t worry I told Mami, that’s just part of life, things happen and we just have to laugh. And laugh we did. Just like when Yamielec acted like she saw a snake and I jumped higher and screamed about a million times louder in response. My family laughed and laughed and I felt so very close to them. Laughter has been so special through this experience and I love what you can share without words during laughter. Steph and I joked last night about all the fusses I caused… my flashlight blew up, I got kicked by the horse and I jumped a foot at the thought of a snake, but those moments were all so special.

They really felt like family and treated us so wonderfully. Tuesday night walking home from the final night of festivities I saw the first lightening bugs Id ever seen. I was so excited and everytime she saw one Mirtalla pointed it out to me. I held Abuelitas hand so we could keep our balance on the rocky, slippery walk home. Lightening bugs were everywhere and the only sound was the crickets. The silence was so peaceful and beautiful. Nothing needed to be said, our hands together was enough to know that there was a connection. Lightening lit up our path and I felt the connection, the love, the light in this new but oh so special relationship with this family. I felt at home and overflowing with gratitude to at least skim the surface of understanding another part of this country.

We spent the last day at some nearby pools with all the program and all of our families. We ate lunch together and enjoyed one last day with our families. That night at our going away party we started off another akward Salvadoran dance as the group of Gringos dancing in the middle as the rest watch from the sides awkwardly. Exhausted we waited to go home. Have you danced with Juan yet Mirtalla asked me.. no I hadn’t, lets all go dance together. So Steph, Juan, Mirtalla and I all went out on the dance floor and danced together to close off our last night. So special and memorable, hilarious and akward but the kind of akward you can handle cause you know there is no judgement involved. The night ended with Elvis playing and finally a mix of Gringos and Salvadorans dancing together, laughing, twisting and just sharing in this life together.

Oh so very special.

We left Friday morning and on our final walk between the house and the town center Mami grabbed Steph and I’s hands. “The last walk with my new hijas” and I thought about how special the last week had been.

It was too short but it was something. It reminded me of the love and hospitality in this country. Brought me new questions and answers to ponder and left me with so many wonderful memories of a week in the beautiful mountains of El Salvador with this new family. Two of our host siblings were there with us, one is in the U.S.- in Aurora CO actually and the other attends the National University in San Salvador. We tried to figure out what life means to them at first, but by the end picked up on a sense of simplicity and happiness that I hope someday is spread across more of this world. Now we are back trying to figure out how to mesh the two lives, how to keep the experience with us, how to keep running and thinking and learning without exploding.

The silent retreat is this weekend and I am so very excited for a chance to just process… so much has happened in the last 7 and ½ weeks…