Hello world... you might have forgotten me because its been so dang long.
Im sitting in a hammock over looking a beautiful lake high on the beauty that is this life and vacation with four out of this world women. We've been exploring, yogaing, reading, pooling, drinkin vino, eatin delicious grub and just soakin up life. We need it.
My heart feels really good, and my head is full of questions.
These last few weeks have almost been a blur. And the feeling of lightness that has returned is so welcome in my heart. Cause it was hurting hard for a few weeks.
The rain came... and it just kept coming. And we were introduced to a strength of emotions we didnt even know existed inside us. A love for Cedro and the people of El Salvador. A frustration and anger towards the inequality of this world. A helplessness. A fear of loss and pain. And just as the rain came it seemed some things inside me were bubbling up. And all I could do was feel it all. And it felt heavy and hard and like I just couldn't shake this funk I was carrying around. I was trying so hard to figure me out and trying to figure out my place in this world. Trying to love better and more and understand it all. And the people around me... they were all doing the same. Feeling the pain of fear and worry and love. Trying to figure out how we should respond, what can we do when this world brings rain and some people suffer greater than others can ever imagine. And how when we are feeling it all down to the core, and tears sit full in our eyes waiting at every moment to spill out, and we are scared and worried and feeling heavy, how do we love the people around us more. It was tense in the houses, the most it has been yet and we were all emotional and stressed and just a little lost. Two community nights in a row during check in we all talked about our funks, I teared up explaining how I am learning how to feel emotions and feeling these so deep and am not quite sure what it all means. And we tried with all our might to love each other and keep laughing and find a balance... and it was hard. But I think sometimes you have to sit through the rain... whether its about being in solidarity or about better understanding yourself or the world. I cannot lie and say it wasn't really really painful. It was... like more than I can put into words... but thats part of being human. And for me.. its a step in learning to feel my emotions. And finding the balance between letting the pain that this world experiences seep in and holding on to hope and love and making change in a positive way.
And the second part... thats what this week has been about.
Maddie showed up Friday night. She was SCCAP Director last year and one of the amazing senior women that became such strong mentors, friends, and homes for me. She couldnt have come at a better time. We laid on her maitress on the floor for hours and we talked about it all. What Im finding in me and seeing out of me. And what it all means. To be delicate with yourself and the world and to not let the pain or confusion or whatever it may be define you. But to see it and feel it and keep rolling with it. And we talked about loving more and how hard it is to be in a group of 25 people you dont actually know that well when things get tough. And about the suffering in this world. And about how she saw it all on her trips to South Africa and India.. and my heart started to feel a little better. And Quentin came home and said "Its so good to have Maddie here, I can see it in Michelle"... she brought some life back to me and reminded me that pain comes with beauty and thats what this life is all about.
Sunday Quentin, Maddie and I went on an amazing adventure to the Volcano in San Salvador. Another day of just what I needed (sorry in advance... thats the theme of this week). I just felt SO at home... a feeling I havent felt in a while. Just easy and loved and able to trust and relax and just be me. Cause no matter how out of the world the people here are.. we really havent known each other that long and we are navigating so much. But with them I just feel at home and we could just laugh so hard as we slid down rocks walking down into the crater, and talk about living this life right and just be the realest of real together. We had the best most ridiculous brunch ever, then made our way partway down the crater of the volcano and it was absolutely insane. I have never been in a volcano before and it was just this HUGE hole in the middle of the mountain. We didnt make it all the way down but the adventure was well worth it and absolutely ridiculous. We finished the night with papusas and pan dulce and a talk about love... and it was just SO good.
Monday I headed off to Cedro.. anxious to get there and almost unable to believe that we were really going. We stopped at Super Selectos to buy some basic food items for the families with the money that so many people at home, especially Summit Rotary so kindly sent my way to help in this scary time of need. When we finally showed up I was reminded of the love and resiliency that is overflowing in this country. We hugged the kids and the moms and asked how everything was. People were shaken but forever continue to walk with the most strength I have ever known. Some walls in houses had fallen, many days of work were missed, crops were ruined and some families went a few days with out food. We went back to our families that we stayed with during praxis weekend and were showered in love. Nina Reina's family told me "Vamos a extranar le cuando regresar a su pais" and invited me to come back whenever I want and told me they wished I could stay all week. It was so comfortable after already being there once and we laughed and snuggled and didnt even need to have meaningful conversations to feel how meaningful it was. The next day Claire and I sat as a mom cried and told us part of her house had fallen, her family had gone without food and they are still unable to find work. Our hearts broke listening but as always the reassure us, telling them that their hijos and dios help them to continue always. To be strong and hopeful. Then we did an activity with the kids, read a book to them about rainbows and explained how just like rainbows need sun and rain so does the earth. Then they folded a piece of paper in half and drew how they felt and what they did during the rain on one side and how they felt after the rain on the other said. They said they were scared that there houses would fall or the river would overflow, the were cold, hungry and slept a lot cause they really had nothing else to do. Then when the sun came up they talked about being able to come to school, play outside and their parents being able to work. And just like Ive said five kajillion times it was heart breaking and amazing all at the same time. And so special to just ask them how they felt. I dont think they are asked that a lot. The rest of the time was so good and I realized... as someone probably could have told me I would. That in reality I needed Cedro more than they needed me. Yea they are struggling and will have a hard year and whatever ways we can give them help is so important, but their hearts are strong and their optimism reminded me to lift my head. And while I sat in the evangelical church with the fam, my brain going a million miles an hour cause I cant keep up with the singing and chanting.. I wondered what my place is in this world. And how can I even make a difference when there is so much I dont understand. And then the girls leaned over and asked if I wanted one of their bracelets. And reminded me that really.. its just all about love. And that is what El Salvador is teaching me.. to love and receive love like I have never known how before.
I came home Wednesday night to a quiet house with most people gone on vacation and Beth, Claire and I headed up to Suchi to meet Maddie and Margot. And we were welcomed into this quiet little peaceful town. A town that was so incredibly full of suffering during the war but now is quaint and cozy. We are staying in this great little hostel over looking the lake and we are pigging out on life. Just feeding our souls, relaxing and letting ourselves be on vacation. And it is the most wonderful thing in the world. And because the people in this program are absolutely out of this world. Our conversations about our place in all this, about how we will make a difference, about how to love more are constant. And I have a million questions, and the fewest answers I have ever had in my life. But Im into the journey and the learning and feeling and growing.
And this 4 months is flying by, we are more than half way done. And the scary conversation of coming home is seeping into our minds.. and we are scared and worried. Scared of the feeling of falling in love and having to let go, scared of figuring out how best to incorporate in into our lives. And more than anything else just wanting to soak up all the time we have left. So... heres to the rest of my time here, to feeling it all, sitting with the pain and letting the lightness in when its time, to holding on to faith and hope, to loving with everything I have and continuing to learn and grown. Thanks for listening.
Also... there are big things happening in the Maddex family in the states. And I feel far away for not being able to celebrate. Jesse and Kylie got engaged! Congratulations a million times over, I am so excited for you both. I could hear the happiness in their voices when I called to congratulate after I heard over email. I so badly wish I could celebrate with them but am so excited for all the planning, festivities and life that is to come. Congrats, I love you both!
This is a really good life, and somehow in all the scary we have to find that. And share it. And not forget about the people who are struggling more than us. And figure a lot out... but it feels good to have the questions and feel my brain and heart stretching. And to know this is only the beginning.
Happy day... I love you people of my soul! XOXOXO
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