Im home... a week ago I was getting on a plane leaving the country that stole my heart with tears in my eyes.. full of so much love and life and equally exhausted.
Now Im sitting on my couch with the flu watching every video I can possibly find that is Casa related with tears in my eyes. Oh how I miss it.
So what do I do with these past 4 months now? When the few people who are brave enough to ask, I dont even know where to start. Do I talk about the women of Cedro that rocked my world, the kiddos and their beautiful little brown eyes, the pain, struggle, poverty that is so livable because of their faith and optimism. Or the war, the martyrs, the horrible ways that the U.S. was involved.. and the horrible ways we continue to oppress the people of El Salvador and so many other countries around the world? Or do I talk about Casa Romero and the love, support, healing, learning and growth that happened within that sweet little house. There is just so much that Im not even sure Ive processed myself yet, let alone am able to regurgitate in a somewhat nicely wrapped package. I want so badly to share.. but right now I havent figured out the trick yet.
Being home is interesting. Partly cause Ive been sick, partly cause its Leadville and there arent many other options without a car and partly because Im feeling extremely apathetic I have barely left this house. I finally got to see the Leadville crew and it was so great to see them.. but I would be lying if I said I was completely present and not thinking about Salvador so much. I dont know how to bring this home yet, how to live it in this context. It was really easy to live it there.. to love so hard, to recieve love, to be aware of the reality and to never loose perspective. And I know the point of it all is the challenge of bringing it home, but I havent figured out how to live it without Casa Romero, without 25 other students around me to help me be better. Without Cedro twice a week to fill me with love and remind me whats important in this world. And I know it...like everyone says.. you cant not know what you now know. So what is it that I know.. I know that the commercials drive me crazy, I cant understand why anyone would ever need the ridiculously expensive things that they are trying to convince us we need, I know that when I go searching for more blankets cause Im sick, I think of the families during the rain having no way to get more blankets, I know that I have no desire to go shopping, that I am trying to figure out where I will ever buy clothes again knowing how unjust the factories are. I know all the stuff in my room and this house seems absolutely rediculous.
I also know something new about love and being human and having hope... but Im not sure where those feelings are right now.
So I decided I would find them in all things El Salvador. So I watched Father Mark talk about the Martyrs, and Quentins video about Dean and Claire's video shes been showing people at home.
And I felt those things again.. I cried seeing faces that I love so much, and already miss more than I knew was possible. I cried at the reminder of the life that they gave me.
And to see Father Mark talk about El Salvador with so much poise and grace outside of the Casa context.. he showed me its possible, and its ok to use these words. He talked about how the Salvadorans humanize the martyrs.. and oh how they humanize everyone. They so taught me what it means to be human.. without any possessions and pride and all the messy stuff that gets in the way. Just in life.. of pain and struggle but also of joy and so much hope. They taught me to keep going, to keep loving, and to share in this life. He showed Lupita talking, one of our cooks, and filled me with her love and wisdom just through that one little video clip. And talked about the vigil... and took me back to that whole body peace I felt that night.. that somehow this all makes sense.. and all we can do is keep loving, thats really what they taught me. Then he showed a students praxis project from a few years back... the project is to the song Hallelujah and shows through the eyes of her site, the Salvadorans, the Casa students that it really is "It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah"And that is so what they taught us.. this life is so many things.. it hurts and it throws you around and it doesnt make sense.. but in so many ways in makes a lot of sense and is so full of grace and life.
And I needed that reminder. I needed to feel that. And I need to know that is true here too.. and that this life even though it seems a little slower, a little less inspiring than the Salvadorans.. is so full of grace, beauty, love and life. And I need to embrace it. I need to stop being so apathetic and bored and find the things that make me feel.. starting with those videos.. but really the things that are right here. The friends and the beauty and life that is so here.. and that I have to stop minimizing. So I need to find the balance.. of being in touch with El Salvador.. and letting it stay alive in me, and using the reminders I need, but also embracing that I am here now, and just as we were taught to be present there, I have to be present here because life cannot stop after El Salvador. I will continue missing it, cause these last 4 months were the best of my entire life, but I have to hold it in me, for Santos and little Christopher, for Kenya and Lidia and Tomas and so many names I could list that gave me life, so I have to keep finding life.
Heres to the challenges of reverse culture shock, of reentry, of trying to figure it out. To knowing new things, and to holding onto those, no matter the context.
<3
P.S. Here is the link to the video on the martryrs.. SO worth watching to get another glimpse into El Salvador
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8miciR0MrI&feature=youtu.be
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