Searching for my place in all this...

So far in Coronel Oviedo I have.. rode all around on a moto wearing my incredibly fashionable helmet, drank lots of mate (super good for you), not really eaten breakfast or dinner.. mostly a big lunch with snacks in the morning and at night (maybe not so healthy), stared blankly again and again while people speak Guarani and I try to figure out how I'm going to overcome that challenge (probably not going to), learned some fun hand clappy games with 9 year old Ruty and laughed pretty hard at the non politically correct terms included in her rhymes, done yoga in my room, been amazed at the beauty of the red dirt roads, wide open campo and star filled skies, felt completely helpless and out of place, observed A LOT with eyes wide open, felt incredibly grateful to be here, and spent a lot of time thinking about what being here is all about...

So what is my place here? Honestly right now I have no idea. There is so so much I don't understand about the organization, the country, the culture, the list goes on... so how can I be of assistance to this organization and the people of Paraguay? Thankfully Casa taught me something incredibly important about learning, listening, sharing and being patient. In four months I learned a whole lot about El Salvador but still left with more questions than will ever be answered in my life. In El Salvador my sole purpose was to learn. I wasn't sitting in an office trying to figure out how to politely ask the boss what I should be doing while simultaneously trying to stay out of the way and be as little of a pain in the butt as possible.

I am 100% confident that in the next 5 weeks I will learn so much and have a meaningful experience. On the other hand I'm not sure that this experience is only about learning. Yes underneath it all the idea is that I learn, but there is also an expectation that I do something for the Fundacion and come home with some information ("research") to turn into something thesis-ish that I will turn in for a grade.  I'm struggling to understand what it is I can do for them. Partly that is because I have only been here for two days and haven't yet been able to talk to the boss about what I can be doing. Partly it is because just like Casa taught me the importance of learning it also humbled me greatly into understanding that I do not have some special skill or knowledge to offer this world just because I am from the U.S. So I wonder what I will do with this next five weeks and what I will do for the rest of my life. I have this deep desire to learn about other cultures, to give and commit my life to justice and equality for the poor and oppressed. But right now I just kinda feel like a clueless outsider that is intruding into this culture and using the people as spectacles for my own learning. I don't get it.

I am trying instead to think of myself as just another brain, perspective, set of hands to do whatever I can, but I also am ashamed that there is an idea that I could be of some assitance as a complete outsider. So.. Im grappling. Again. With what it means to be a middle class, white, educated, semi clueless woman in another culture, the developing world... and really just this world full of suffering. Other than feeling a little bad about being a bother to the employees here at FP I'm not feeling weighed down by these questions. Rather just acutely aware of my place in this world.

I think for me thats part of what this experience is about. It is about understanding how I will turn what I loved about El Salvador, what made me so excited about getting to Coronel Oviedo and leaving Asuncion, living with a homestay, listening, learning, opening myself up to this world... into something meaningful to do with my life. I don't mean that to sound dramatic but really just exploring what I was put on this earth to do. How I can give to this world so broken by suffering? And how I can do it in a way that is not obtrusive or insensitive?

I remember times in El Salvador wishing that I wasn't tall, white, blonde and English speaking. I have had that thought numerous times since being here. I stick out.. a lot. Everyone says "que linda sos, que linda su pelo, sus ojos".. bla bla bla. Such a compliment and just an illustration of all the hospitality that I have found here, but also a constant reminder of how different I look. I know with time I will remember that doesn't matter. And I will again start to find more and more similarities. I will become more comfortable, more at home, settle into my own skin and the ways of this sweet little city. I am reminding myself every moment to be patient, with time this will make more and more sense... while also making less and less. Grappling (I need a better word) and questioning is a good place to be, life would be so boring if my brain was stagnant. And I am also just incredibly incredibly thankful for the ways that Casa prepared me to do that processing, questioning and digging deeper to understand the ways of this world, my heart and how it all fits together. I miss the space to reflect, process, bounce ideas around with other gringos. I was so blessed to have that and am continuously searching for ways to do it on my own and am so thankful to understand the importance of the space.

I am loving my homestay family and slowly feeling more and more comfortable there.  Going out in the field is super interesting although I still feel like an outsider... but at least I am slowly getting exposure to life in Paraguay. Knowing how comfortable I felt after four months is helping me to trust that in time I will become more comfortable. I also know I will continue to question, but that is why I am here. I am trying to make the best use of my down time in the office. I truly trust that this is right... and am just curious to continue to understand more and more.  They are treating me so well and I am so grateful to be here, to learn, to question, to explore and to see more of this big amazing world.