Be Here Now

Those words jog all sorts of emotions and memories. Song lyrics, Juans voice during meditations, words above Margots bed and reminder upon reminder. Whoa

This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.

Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.

So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.

As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops.  I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.

Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.

Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.

I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.