"I cant believe tomorrow's another Friday"

November 1st?!?!? Where did you come from? I said to Margot on our bike ride to school this morning "I cant believe tomorrow is another Friday?!?!" and we proceeded to talk about how this year has already flown by and the likelihood that it will only continue to speed up more and more. Its wild. So much has happened that I always think about coming here to write about... but somehow the free minutes in my life just seem to slip away.

But today is a rainy, scarf, tea and lay in bed kinda day. And those days somehow leave me thoughtful and wanting to curl up and write posts about my life. So... here I am, long over due, with quite the list of things to update on... bear with me.

2 weeks ago on Saturday I stood in a line of 11 bridesmaids watching my brothers face as he said I do to my new sister in law. I cried listening to Kylie's letter to Jesse celebrating all the wonderful things in him. I loved being on her side so I could see his expression and get a little glimpse into how he felt. It was absolutely beautiful. The sun literally came out the second Kylie walked out of the room where we all got ready "thats my dad" she said. We walked along the golf cart path with a trumpet and saxaphone leading us to the reception cheering and waving our wands. I looked back at the long line of people following them in this beautiful place with the sun shining and everybody celebrating and forgot about how much my feet hurt... it was freaking amazing. I waited nervously til the time finally came to do my speech and I couldnt have asked for it to go better. About 30 seconds in I had to add a "sorry Jes I cant look at you or Ill cry, but I would if I could" I held it together and felt really wonderful about getting to tell my brother how much I love him and how happy I was to welcome Kylie into our family in front of all those people. As soon as I got to him the tears came pooring out but it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Then I cried more watching him and my mom dance. They are my the foundation of my being and have been through so so so much. Watching them up there dancing, chatting, smiling was just incredible. Finally we got the emotions out of the way and spent the rest of the night dancing our butts off to the amazing 8 person band. I havent had that much fun in a long time and I have never ever seen my brother that happy. It was perfect. And crazy. And I left feeling so grateful for my big quirky family and hopeful that someday I will fall in love and marry someone who makes me that happy too (ha... sometimes Im not sure)

October was a month of a lot of "a year ago this time..." October was a big month at the Casa. Campo week, the rain, silent retreat, Dean Brackley passed away and then vacation. It was a time of so so much pain. But also an incredible amount of growth. Such a formative month that really had a huge affect on how it all ended. We became a family, we saw suffering through a new lense, we mourned the loss of someone who started the Casa and we came together at the end of it stronger than ever. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane back there. I cant wrap my mind around it but I am also quite blow away at the person I am today compared to at the beginning of October a year ago. I have learned and grown so much. I am excited to get back to the place that really started all of this. To feel some of that pain but more than anything the love and the joy. We are studying El Salvador in my Poli Sci class right now and read something on Sobrino today. He said "the opposite of joy is not suffering it is sadness, the people can and are joyful although they are suffering" Mami Santo's big smile flashed through my mind and I am so excited to hug her, to feel what it feels like to be there now and to celebrate that beautiful time.

The days and weeks flying by has also left me thinking a lot about the future. A lot a lot.  A few weeks ago I met with someone who did Jesuit Volunteer Corps International. A two year program that I have been thinking about on and off. I left and nearly had an anxiety attack because I just realized that it is a really good option and one that I think is pretty right for me, and that freaks me out. The anxiety that came with thinking about the future motivated me to get my butt in to gear... researching and thinking and just exploring my heart to see what is right for next year. There are a lot of options... and I just have to tell myself what I keep telling other people.. there is something out there for me that is a really good fit and I am more than capable to find it and fall in love with it. Right now I am thinking of applying to JVI, a few teacher corp programs, a year long service program in Minnesotta and to be a CC at the Casa. I am finally to the point where a lot of options sound good and I really trust that I will end up where I am supposed to bed. I wish I could say that took away the stress completely... but it doesnt and I have some serious application work to be doing.. crazy that its time to figure that out!
 
Life is busy and full but its not a crazy that leads me into a flurry of anxiety any more. It feels like home and routine and it is full of things that I really really enjoy. Last weekend was my first free weekend since school started. On Friday I sat in the sunshine for two hours alone doing absolutely nothing and I could feel the life seeping back into me. It was magical and I would recommend it to anyone who is over committed, tired and cranky. Its like getting a full night sleep but better!  Ive been feeling incredibly grateful for my education and the spaces I have to talk about important things... rural farmers vs the world bank, jails and the injustices in them, homelessness, fixing vs serving. I am inspired everyday. By the people around me, the course material, the two year old who never fails to make me smile and I just dont think I could ask for anything more. I am getting so much out of this amazing place this last year here and I guess its better that it is flying by cause I am taking full advantage of all the opportunities than crawling by cause Im doing nothing. This post doesnt quite to justice for my life or my heart but its a start... happy November, I hope it feels like fall where you are and you can cozy up with a blanket and tea and relax a little! xoxoxo