Long lost blogger back at it... more stories of El Salvador breaking open my heart.

While I was home someone asked me if I was doing any blogging- I responded with an array of excuses while I was reminded how much I really love writing and miss this space. Many times last semester I thought of getting back into the habit- but there is something about leaving and coming back that is intimidating.  For the past week and a half that I have been back in the country I have found myself yearning to share what is happening here again and again- so instead of continuing to think about it, Ill give it a shot. No promises that I will have time to make it regular- but the movements of my heart are worth documenting and the ways this country, these people and this program impact all who encounter them deserve to be spread…

My month off was spent seeing so many friends, being reminded of the life I don’t live and the ways I feel distant from home and feeling incredible grateful for the people in my life. I was in many different places physically and emotionally but left feeling like there were homes for me to come back to in May, souls that understood me, people I want to be able to give more of my time and my heart to and opportunities that are intriguing. A few people asked me if I would stay for longer than a year while I was home and I said no- almost unsure why. While I was there I felt distant from here, disconnected from what this place means to me- in the same way I often feel disconnected from there when I am here. I don’t like that- but I think it’s good that I know it, and it is something I want to continue exploring.

But for now- my heart is at home. Minutes after I landed in this country I was reminded what this place is to me. And in the past week and a half I have felt endlessly grateful for my time here, the family I have found and how much it has become home. Something amazing happens in this country and I know it is a combination of so many good things. Amazing Salvadoran people who are faithful, loving and vulnerable beyond belief + inspiring, committed leaders who understand this kind of education + students who are willing to accept the invitation + special spaces= something incredibly beautiful. And I have the privilege of calling all that my job my first year out of college- I don’t know how I landed here but I feel blessed beyond belief.

This semester Ted, Ella and I will all be living together in Romero with six amazing women. The program is exceptionally small this semester and when we first found this out a few months ago we struggled to reimagine what it would like to be CC’s in that context. But wow…. In the last three days it has become clear that we are in for something really special.  The closeness that is inevitable in a small group is already manifesting into a sense of safety, trust, care and joy. Living with Ted and Ella is an invitation to really learn to be a team player- to step back sometimes, to trust each other, to celebrate each other’s strengths, to be honest with one another and to be a part of the community in a new way.  There is so much unknown ahead of us and I am so excited to be apart of it unfolding.

My dear students last semester taught me so much and I will be such a better CC because of it. As I begin with these new students I know that each of them is a universe…of beauty, struggle, experience, wisdom, joy and so much to teach me. My students last semester taught me that, showed me the depths of their hearts in a way I could have never imagined the first days, they let me in, they helped me grow and held my heart in such a special way.  They proved to me that this amazing program and country really transform people- and that the grace that happens here is so far beyond my control.  Beginning with that knowledge is helping me to let go, to be genuinely me and to trust in the slow work, the process of unfolding that happens with such beauty.

Today we had our first day of praxis visits. We went to Zacamil and Tepecoyo- rural villages where strong, faithful women run the place (welcome to El Salvador). Deysi retold the story of her son’s accident when he decided to leave school so he could work for the family and provide them with something to eat. Just a few weeks after he began working he fell while cutting down a tree, landed on his head and was paralyzed from the waist down. I hate how short and simple that sounds because when it is told with details from him and his mother your whole heart feels it with them and breaks into so many pieces trying to understand what a horrible combination of things would lead to such suffering. Yet as you listen you always come to understand the faith that the people of this country rely on so deeply. Out of a necessity for something to keep them going, but also out of a true belief that their God is taking care of them, providing for them, loving them- even in the midst of the deepest suffering.

Hearing this story again and that the poverty in Tepecoyo is the worst it has been for years, that children are not eating, that mothers are breaking under the stress of not being able to provide for their children- I feel the same confused I have felt since I first met these women as a student two and a half years ago. Why? How? What the hell do we do? We tell the students that our main goal is to accompany- and I still argue with the part of my brain that wants to fix. The injustice is so much bigger, so much deeper and so much more complicated than what I can understand or what I can fix. And sometimes that is so overwhelming to understand.

This semester my time here really feels more finite and in that I feel myself yearning to understand how to carry this with me in an authentic, meaningful way. I see how easy it is to forget about this reality, to feel distant from Deysi and Yovani on the comforts of my warm couch in the states. And that is terrifying. These women- Deysi spending the whole day caring for her son, and Angelica- sacrificing everything to feed the children of her small canton- should go down in history as incredible heroines. Their names should be next to Gandhi, MLK, Rosa Parks and so many more. But instead they are in our hearts. And I guess we must learn to follow their example. Do the small, daily things that we can to bring goodness, life, joy, love, healing and nourishment to the people around us and trust that it will spread to our world. It is true for Deysi and Angelica- their example expires countless students who then carry them with them forever.

In the midst of accompanying a new group of students, wondering and stressing about what I will do next I think the most important thing is to be as present as I can possibly be to this place and what happens when we let break our hearts. I hope in the next four months I cant let this country seep into my blood until it can never leave again.