Home

Ahhhh home. The sweetness of silence, the fire flickering next to me and snow falling outside. Every time I come home it is the catalyst of lots of reflection, emotion, questioning, feels, good and sometimes hard. I'd like to think that its a pretty normal holidays at home kinda thing.

 Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about.  Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.

Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways.  I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.

I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.

I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.

This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.

Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.

And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.

A semester of movement and becoming

So.. I finished my first semester of grad school. All my finals are turned in, books are returned and we had an amazing, joy and gratitude filled weekend of celebrating and am heading home for a much awaited break with my family and friends. I can't even believe this semester is over- and when I reflect back on it my head starts spinning. It has been four very full months. Full in hours spent reading and writing, new people met, city explored, fun and adventure had but the thing that feels fullest about it are the constant movements and wrestling im my heart. It has been a semester full of questions- my heart feels tired from all the asking, struggling and stretching. And full from some of the new insights, the love, the continued becoming and the prospect of this break to let it all marinate.

So.. A few of the things I've been wrestling with this semester

1. HOPE. Ooof that's a doozie. I am a fairly optimistic, positive, hopeful human. And that has been challenged this semester in more ways than I can explain. Coming home from El Salvador to the US is always a shock to the system and that definitely played a huge part in it. Last year in the midst of deep suffering I found hope in the deep resilience, faith and hope of the women I was surrounded by who were always sure God was with them working for something better. Unlike me they don't need to be convinced that God is with them and working in ways we can't see. Coming back I've felt distant from that spirit of hope and overwhelmed by the disconnect between these worlds. Disheartened by how easy it is for wealth and power to seduce us into forgetting about the huge portion of our world living in deep poverty and suffering. My classrooms feel far away from reality. The institutional church sometimes feels like a total hypocrite. And the reality of suffering in this world is too big- so I have felt hopeless too many times. Recently I am trying to come back into that hope- trusting in something bigger than myself- all the other committed individuals whose hearts are broken, the movements, the eye opening and protesting of the way things are that is happening and a power and love that moves through this world in ways I cannot understand and imagine. I'm so very in touch with what's wrong in the world that it's hard to focus on what's right without fear of lying to myself. But I am also surrounded by such good souls and trying to believe that being here is right, that all this reflecting is brewing in me action that will make change and that this is all beyond me.

2. Women.. I think (hope) that it is impossible to study theology at a Catholic institution as a woman and not end up spending a lot of time trying to understand the role of women in the Church. And in the world. The most spirit filled, loving, joyful, hopeful part of my time here has been the strength, wisdom, motivation of the women I am surrounded by. Friendships that have been built on the basis of a deep longing to be valued equally that brings us together. I am so grateful for sisterhood, and equally sad that sisterhood is so very important and often formed around feeling the pain of being seen as less than. I hope that the world and the Church continue to open it's eyes to the perspective, love, depth and goodness it is missing out on by being so male centric.

3. Race. My desire to dig deeper in my understanding of race started a few months back in my diversity class when I started really looking at my own bias and got back in the privilege conversation. Again wondering what I, as a white, privileged, educated woman was called to do about our country that is so deeply failing non white populations. As of late it is impossible to not be thinking about. All I can say is it's heart breaking and absolutely not ok. We have to keep opening our eyes, we have to each choose to make the well being of each other our responsibility and we have to keep asking the powerful to do the same. The explosion of media attention to racism in our country gives me hope- my Facebook feed is full of people crying out against injustice, asking for change- but I also know there are many people who are not in the conversation- or still do not see the depth of the problem. That side of it is so disheartening. My roomates and I watched the video of Eric Gardner's death- and there is no denying the injustice that happened in that moment, that is part of a problem that is so rooted in the structures of our country and has caused such pain and fear for people we live side by side with. We have to engage with the emotions of all this- the pain of the families who have lost loved ones, the fear of young black boys, we have to be honest with ourselves, look at privilege and commit ourselves to the little things we can do to challenge the status quo.

4. My place in this world... It has been hard to be in a classroom talking about suffering and injustice this semester. I spent many nights awake imagining all the ways I could be giving to this world, on the ground, with the people acting not thinking. I had a few crises about why I decided to come to school instead of just getting into the fight... And am starting to see that the restlessness is bigger than simply studying theology, being in the US, in a classroom or whatever other classification- it is a restlessness that I am likely going to experience to some extent for the next 2 and 1/2 years. And I thought about running away from it- jumping ship and finding a different way to live right now. But I think it is a gift to be restless, to be struggling, asking questions, having this time to keep learning, growing and feeling the despair, frustration and depth of not right in this world while cultivating skills to give to this world better, hope to carry me in whatever work I end up doing and to keep toying with ideas of what that will look like. I'm trying to learn to have patience and trust in the journey- to let the brewing and discomfort marinate and continue inside me- things are moving and I am continuing to become everyday.

There is so much more- but that's a lot. And have been the things that keep me up at night. I have learned so much and am leaving overflowing with grattitude and peace. I had the best weekend with my friends- dancing, drinking tea, having late nights and lazy mornings, reminiscing on the semester and soaking up our time together. Community is so important to me- and I am so lucky to have built such a strong one already here. This is the first time in a long time I've said see ya soon to a community I get to come back to instead of goodbye and starting a new one. Such an amazing gift.

And I'm headed home to yet another community who had nourished me forever. I am so excited to be there- with my family of friends and to see my sweet little man and family of family :) I dunno how I got so lucky.