Home

Ahhhh home. The sweetness of silence, the fire flickering next to me and snow falling outside. Every time I come home it is the catalyst of lots of reflection, emotion, questioning, feels, good and sometimes hard. I'd like to think that its a pretty normal holidays at home kinda thing.

 Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about.  Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.

Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways.  I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.

I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.

I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.

This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.

Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.

And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.