So.. A few of the things I've been wrestling with this semester
1. HOPE. Ooof that's a doozie. I am a fairly optimistic, positive, hopeful human. And that has been challenged this semester in more ways than I can explain. Coming home from El Salvador to the US is always a shock to the system and that definitely played a huge part in it. Last year in the midst of deep suffering I found hope in the deep resilience, faith and hope of the women I was surrounded by who were always sure God was with them working for something better. Unlike me they don't need to be convinced that God is with them and working in ways we can't see. Coming back I've felt distant from that spirit of hope and overwhelmed by the disconnect between these worlds. Disheartened by how easy it is for wealth and power to seduce us into forgetting about the huge portion of our world living in deep poverty and suffering. My classrooms feel far away from reality. The institutional church sometimes feels like a total hypocrite. And the reality of suffering in this world is too big- so I have felt hopeless too many times. Recently I am trying to come back into that hope- trusting in something bigger than myself- all the other committed individuals whose hearts are broken, the movements, the eye opening and protesting of the way things are that is happening and a power and love that moves through this world in ways I cannot understand and imagine. I'm so very in touch with what's wrong in the world that it's hard to focus on what's right without fear of lying to myself. But I am also surrounded by such good souls and trying to believe that being here is right, that all this reflecting is brewing in me action that will make change and that this is all beyond me.
2. Women.. I think (hope) that it is impossible to study theology at a Catholic institution as a woman and not end up spending a lot of time trying to understand the role of women in the Church. And in the world. The most spirit filled, loving, joyful, hopeful part of my time here has been the strength, wisdom, motivation of the women I am surrounded by. Friendships that have been built on the basis of a deep longing to be valued equally that brings us together. I am so grateful for sisterhood, and equally sad that sisterhood is so very important and often formed around feeling the pain of being seen as less than. I hope that the world and the Church continue to open it's eyes to the perspective, love, depth and goodness it is missing out on by being so male centric.
3. Race. My desire to dig deeper in my understanding of race started a few months back in my diversity class when I started really looking at my own bias and got back in the privilege conversation. Again wondering what I, as a white, privileged, educated woman was called to do about our country that is so deeply failing non white populations. As of late it is impossible to not be thinking about. All I can say is it's heart breaking and absolutely not ok. We have to keep opening our eyes, we have to each choose to make the well being of each other our responsibility and we have to keep asking the powerful to do the same. The explosion of media attention to racism in our country gives me hope- my Facebook feed is full of people crying out against injustice, asking for change- but I also know there are many people who are not in the conversation- or still do not see the depth of the problem. That side of it is so disheartening. My roomates and I watched the video of Eric Gardner's death- and there is no denying the injustice that happened in that moment, that is part of a problem that is so rooted in the structures of our country and has caused such pain and fear for people we live side by side with. We have to engage with the emotions of all this- the pain of the families who have lost loved ones, the fear of young black boys, we have to be honest with ourselves, look at privilege and commit ourselves to the little things we can do to challenge the status quo.
4. My place in this world... It has been hard to be in a classroom talking about suffering and injustice this semester. I spent many nights awake imagining all the ways I could be giving to this world, on the ground, with the people acting not thinking. I had a few crises about why I decided to come to school instead of just getting into the fight... And am starting to see that the restlessness is bigger than simply studying theology, being in the US, in a classroom or whatever other classification- it is a restlessness that I am likely going to experience to some extent for the next 2 and 1/2 years. And I thought about running away from it- jumping ship and finding a different way to live right now. But I think it is a gift to be restless, to be struggling, asking questions, having this time to keep learning, growing and feeling the despair, frustration and depth of not right in this world while cultivating skills to give to this world better, hope to carry me in whatever work I end up doing and to keep toying with ideas of what that will look like. I'm trying to learn to have patience and trust in the journey- to let the brewing and discomfort marinate and continue inside me- things are moving and I am continuing to become everyday.
There is so much more- but that's a lot. And have been the things that keep me up at night. I have learned so much and am leaving overflowing with grattitude and peace. I had the best weekend with my friends- dancing, drinking tea, having late nights and lazy mornings, reminiscing on the semester and soaking up our time together. Community is so important to me- and I am so lucky to have built such a strong one already here. This is the first time in a long time I've said see ya soon to a community I get to come back to instead of goodbye and starting a new one. Such an amazing gift.
And I'm headed home to yet another community who had nourished me forever. I am so excited to be there- with my family of friends and to see my sweet little man and family of family :) I dunno how I got so lucky.
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