Happy Birthday Dear Eric

Thirty years ago a little boy was brought into this world. I wonder what it was like in that room? I am sure it was full of joy, his screams filling their hearts, the excitement of baby number two, a little brother, another life. The hope of a whole life to come, full of growing and becoming and being a human in this world. Full of expectations, gratitude, joy and overwhelming emotions.

When I talked to my mom today she said "30 just really gets me, for some reason that number is a hard one." I think its because of all the things we imagine he would have done in thirty years on this earth. Maybe he'd be married, maybe not, maybe he'd have babies, maybe he'd be in school or traveling the world or climbing mountains. Maybe he'd live close to home, maybe he'd live close to me.

What they didn't know in that room, and what hurts so deeply still to this day, is that he didn't get to live the hope of the long life a parent expects for their new baby. All those maybes bring tears to my eyes and reverberate deep within my heart when I imagine what it would have been like to know him, to have him as a big brother for all these years. Maybe I'll always wonder what the dynamic between us would be like, what it would be like to be together as the three of us. Letting go of that wonder is something I don't think any of us will ever be able to do- or at least not me. Because that wonder is all I have- I don't have memories, or glimpses of who he was that I saw myself to imagine where his life might have gone. Its all a game of my imagination. And it hurts.

I asked my mom what she was going to do today- she wasn't sure. Sometimes she prefers to work on these days, sometimes she'd rather not- but I wish there was some ritual. I wish she had a community of people still holding her. Or something she did for herself that let her be with him and the hurt of loosing a child that just never subsides. I always post something about him, and as I was doing that this morning I wondered why. I want to remember him, I want the whole world to remember him, I want his presence, and the lack of it to keep mattering. Because it matters so much to us. It matters so much to me. And people's comments and responses have been so wonderful for me to read- I want to keep hearing stories of Eric forever, and I feel all the love he shared, all the love people had through him in those sweet responses.

As much as it hurts to wonder what it would be like if he was here. He has given me so much, his presence has always been known and even though we only shared a short 4 months on this earth, I wouldn't be me without his act in my story. Jesse has loved me so deeply, so well, taken such good care of me and again and again taught me the importance of family. Loosing Eric so young taught him how fragile this life is, and he taught me that. He taught me to say I love you on the phone from across the world, not hanging up til I told him I loved him too. He told me stories about Eric. He is the best big brother a girl could ask for and so much of that is rooted in what he learned from Eric.

I always believed so deeply he was somewhere watching out for us- and I still believe that. This life has been full of ups and downs, and we have survived a lot- and I think Eric has been so important to that. He was my first exposure to some other world- I believe in heaven and even in God because I believe in Eric. I want to be embodied in heaven so I can hug him and frolic with him, and talk about all the life I know he is witnessing. I feel him in the trees, see him in the sun and am reminded of his grace in rainbows. They tell me stories of his wisdom, his joy, his calmness through so much. He was an old soul and I am so grateful for the wisdom his soul, his life, his love that I know is present has given me. Eric taught me about strength and resiliency, through my parents who felt the deepest hurt- and still do, and about honesty and loss- in the ways we have always talked about him, he has always been a part of us and who we are.

So today, and always, thank you Eric for all you left here. You are a symbol of so much to me. And on my mind so often. Thank you Mom, Dad and Jesse for helping me to know Eric even when I only had 4 months with him. And thank you everyone who knew him for sharing him with me, for keeping him alive, and for your sweet- so very meaningful comments on his photo and so many other times that make me feel connected to him. We miss you Eric, and we love you with all our hearts.