Arriving

Creativity, writing, flow... its not coming naturally to me lately. It's frustrating and I'm not sure why- maybe because my brain was in academic mode all year, maybe because something about life isn't triggering my creative juices, maybe I'm not giving it enough time, maybe my doubt and inner critic are getting the best of me- whatever it is I would like to move past it. Theres so much to write about- but words don't seem to land on the page in a way I like at all lately. Last night after deleting and restarting many a drafts I gave up.. went to bed, couldn't sleep, wrote in my journal where the inner critic doesn't matter and then came across this Mary Oliver poem for the first time in a book I've had for years. It resonates a lot.

A River Far Away and Long Ago

The river

of my childhood

that tumbled 

down a passage of rocks

and cut- work ferns,

came here and there

to the swirl 

and slowdown

of a pool

and I saw myself-

oh, clearly- 

as I knelt at one-

then I saw myself

as if carried away,

as the river moved on. 

Where have I gone?

Since then

I have looked and looked

for myself,

not sure

who I am, or where,

or, more importantly, why.

It's okay- I've had a wonderful life.

Still, I ponder

where that other is-

where I landed,

what I thought, what I did

what small or even maybe meaningful deeds

I might have accomplished

somewhere

among strangers

coming to them

as only a river can-

touching every life it meets-

that endlessly kind, that enduring.

A week ago I landed in South Africa. After writing papers, finishing finals, packing, soaking up a week of a summer and a few short goodbyes- I flew 20 hours across the ocean to land in a new country, with a family that feels like home. Mindy and Jeremy invited me to come help them with their new twins and Kamryn for a month and I happily accepted. The first few days were a fumble of jet lag and transition from the chaotic constant running pace of life to very slow days at home snuggling babies. It was hard to get my body and brain and heart to slow down...but now I feel like I have arrived, fully here- embracing all the beauty of this time filled with gratitude.

A few days ago I went horse back riding for the first time since high school. The last time I rode a horse I was on crutches, healing from just tearing my ACL and absolutely terrified. Fast forward a few years to the campo in El Salvador when I was trying to make friends with my family's horse and got a swift kick to the thigh.. and a good bruise to keep us laughing the whole week. When I was young I rode horses fairly often but my most recent memories were not particularly good ones.  Then sometime this year I remembered going to horse therapy as a little girl after my parents got divorced- they are vague but very positive memories. So when a friend of Mindy's asked if I wanted to ride horses with her I said yes, excited for a chance to get out of the house and to reclaim my relationship with horses.

It was absolutely fantastic and reminded me how amazing my mom is- what an incredible thing to do for a young girl in a confusing time of life. Building a relationship with a horse, learning to take care of it, trust it and get comfortable riding it is full of healing power and life lessons. Yesterday riding beautiful, gentle, white "Snoop Dog" I was connected to those healing powers. Trusting that Snoop Dog (that name really doesn't do justice for how sweet this horse was) was strong, sturdy and capable- trusting myself to find a rhythm with him, relaxing and being present in the moment. 7 years ago (WOAH) as a junior in high school I couldn't do that. I was so far from being able to trust myself, be present, trust a big animal with my life.. I have done a lot of healing and growing since then. And maybe come back to some of those lessons I was learning as a little girl.. that are deep down somewhere- and so cool to be able to connect with in this time.

Then I came home and snuggled with the babies the rest of the afternoon. Sitting with Mindy in the rhythm of sleep, feed, change, repeat. We don't often have a reason to get out of our pajamas. Watch a lot of episodes of CSI, Bar Rescue.. whatever might be entertaining, read some, sleep some- its slow moving around here, the reality of two new born babies. Then when Kamryn gets home my role switches and its running to the park, playing catch and practicing Spanish, painting rocks and watching kids movies til bed time at 8. Then I read, talk to people at home, sometimes do a little yoga in my room until I go to bed not much later. At first I was a little restless but being here with the sole purpose of loving on this family who I love so very much and who has loved and cared for me SO well is a huge gift. I am reminded of how very important it is to just be with the people we love. How healing, nurturing, and balancing it is  be with these babies, with Kamryn and with Mindy in the midst of three years of craziness in school. Mindy has been there since forever, through all of the ups and downs and was so important to me turning out ok in this life. And it feels pretty special to be here with them letting all her love and time manifest in how much I love her babies. 

Thursday was also Eric's 24th Anniversary- my mom hates that word. Anniversaries are harder than birth days- or something- we didn't talk about it much yesterday- just a couple texts with Jes and mom that we were thinking of each other. But as I rode that horse, and snuggled with the babies, and laughed with Mindy and Kam- it felt like a little bit of all the pieces of me coming together. This past year has been a big year of looking for myself. I could have made a really different choice than going to grad school for theology and social work- and sometimes I wonder where the person who kept flowing with the river would have ended up. First semester I was so unsure about my decision, there are so many places I could be, things I could be doing- that it can be hard to be present to all the good that is right in front of me.  I wonder what it would be like if Eric was here. If I was in El Salvador still, if, if, if- but like the poem says- its okay I've had a wonderful life.  Grad school has a way of making us feel so important, so much responsibility, so deeply entrenched in all these big questions about suffering and equality and justice.. and I am SO glad to be asking those questions. But sometimes its ok to just be- to take a month to snuggle babies, to love people, to be with myself and the pieces of me that have been so many places, could have gone so many places- but are all one- here in South Africa, finished with one year of grad school, thinking and dreaming about the things I do- and so connected to all the different ponds that my life has stopped at. 

I also saw a zebra, some koodoos, spring box and impalas in the middle of the day- so that was exciting too ;)