Soul filling weekend at home

Oh home... what a place.
Its funny how school becomes home and its like out of sight out of my mind. I miss my friends but rarely do I feel home sick and I never wish I would have stayed. But... every single time I come home I fall back in love, and am reminded of how lucky I am, and why I am where I am today.

So many wonderful people in this world that have raised me. Shaped me, held me up, helped me to spread my wings, wiped my tears, cheered me on, listened, laughed at, adventured with... and been a bigger part of my life than anybody else might ever be able to be.

I was so lucky to get to see so many people of my soul. Time in Boulder w/ Ese, Katie and Liv. Home crew time w/ Chels, Tiff, Will, Rich, Zachy and Kaleb and time with my mama, daddio, Susan, Jim, Vic, Ferne and Rolo tomorrow and Kels to send me off. So much love in my life it actually blows my mind. And I'm reminded of my roots, the ones that helped me grow and that will forever ground me in this life that we were so lucky to have. I love the feeling of just knowing people, knowing more about each other than you ever actually need to and just getting things. Having memories that you can talk about for hours, jokes, intertwined families and comfort like nobody knows. This little town has done us well and I am reminded of that when I come home to so much love and the friendships that pick up right where they left of, like nothing has ever changed. We are just best friends, family, that will forever and always be there letting our lives groove back together when they have the chance.

Its so neat how we have all gone our ways, are figuring ourselves out and sometimes our lives feel seperate, but because we grew up so tight, we are all grounded in each others lives and have all become who we are because of each of our experiences. We are level headed and going places and big hearted because we didnt just have one set of parents or siblings to learn from we had a whole network of this family who raised us, showed us different parenting styles, struggled, overcame amazing challenges, and never sheltered us or exposed us to too much or too little.  I love you best friends, I love you family, I love that you will always be part of my soul and every time we have the chance to be together, my heart will be full and reminded and my life will always be that much more complete :)

I was talking about the progression of how home feels, when you first come home its really emotional and every little change throws you off. Then with time, it becomes easier to let the little things change, and hold onto the feelings not the constant time together or the way a certain room looks or the perfection of anything. Just the love and family and those big beautiful mountains and star filled skies that at least for a while arent going anywhere.  Sometimes it feels like two different lives, but boy are they connected and that just fuels my soul.

On another equally wonderful note, we had our first Young RYLA 2011 Staff get together on Sunday and it was fantastic. SUCH a wonderful group who will help us to make this another out of this world Young RYLA.  When you are in a position when you have to make those decisions it gets a little scary, but each and every JC we chose prooved to be even more amazing than we could have hoped and I just cannot wait for the group to learn and grow together, to have this amazing experience, and for Jess and I to have this team of rockstars who we will learn so much from.  What an amazing thing to be a part of  I tell ya.

Time to study some econ before bed.  Getting up in the morning for breakfast with Ferne, coffee with Rolo and then sometime with Kels before the airplane sweeps me away to CA, Econ final, a day of work and than NAVAJO NATION. Boy is my life wonderful. Thank you universe, I couldnt be more thankful.

Happy Wednesday.  xoxoxoxo

P.S... as always, a little ping in my heart reminds me that Im leaving again, and that this place is so dang special that everytime I come and go my heart feels it more than my head understands. Back again soon :)

Pieces Of Me

I have homework I should be doing. But...I also have thoughts I should be thinking.

Today during yoga.. when my mind was supposed to still I was thinking of how I haven't been very thoughtful lately... haha from the sounds of that I am a complete joke of a yoga goer, and of a thinker in general. I made the thought go away but then later let it come back.
Have I not been very thoughtful because I am just at a peace. And sometimes life just makes sense and you dont have to think too hard about it. Or because I have had life and love and work and school and all sorts of go go go excitement to fill my brain with that it had no time for extra thoughts. Or just cause sometimes... like me with chocolate and eggs or cereal for breakfast and running vs swimming.. the level of thoughtfulness goes through stages.

Anyways, yesterday in the midst of going from one set of homework to a different paper to a different subject to another subject. I stopped, enjoyed a little nutella, laid on my bed and looked at the pictures on my wall. I looked at my brother and my pops and I in Michigan. People and a place that have formed me, like really really formed me. And then at my mama. And my Eric picture at the end of my bed. I thought of family... and what that word means and all the hype and thought and emotion and love that it means. I thought about the times when I have thought my family was the most kick ass in the world, and the times when I wasnt sure how we all could have the same blood. And I thought about how much they have made me me even if sometimes I like to think I am a product of my own doing, I am also a product of theirs.

Today during Spanish I thought of my weekend at home. All the good people I get to see and the feeling of home and family and just comfort, that yes I have found here, but that can never be replaced for what and who will forever be the pieces of the real home. Thinking of my best friends and my second family of my mountains and all the pieces that are so close to my soul. I miss it there, I miss the people, I miss the feeling and am so very excited to get a little refresher course on just how special all the people and feelings that stem from home are this weekend.

Last night walking out of Hayley's room. In between laughs and reassurances that life does make senes and grumbles about the sillyness that it sometimes seems and a final quick "love you". I thought about this life. This place that has become all mine, that is home. That is full of people, places and things that have become such a huge part of me and that someday I will look back on and thank them for forming me.

Earlier, when I got an email about Interact and heard "All For You". I thought about RYLA. About Kelsey and Mik and Rolo. And Heather and Eric and Junior and Jess. And so many of those special people who have left a mark on my heart. And how timing, and life, and some of my own doing all came together to make this camp I went into with no idea what it would be, something that has completely and utterly shaped me. People who have become so close to my heart. And being a part of something that I am afraid to let go of when my time is up this summer. But at the same time.. I know I will take it with me, and it will be time to let someone else have that mark on their heart, that will forever make them wholer.

Sometimes it feels like nothing makes sense. But a heck of a lot of the time it seems like it all just fits. And every person, place, thing, experience, was set right in where they were to make this life just as it is. And for that, I am more thankful than I can put into words. And... more faithful that all the rest that will come and go and change and grow and rock my world... it will be set just where it needs to be and with some work of the universe, and some all on my own... it will all end up pretty darn close to just how it should.

What a great thing to believe in.

Happy thoughts to all you who have formed me in ways bigger than you will ever ever know.

Hello there. Happy Sunday evening. I hope you had a fantastic weekend.

I dont have anything profound to say, or really anything at all for that matter.

But... I turned in my Casa app, after rewriting my essay three times and being an overanalyzing freak and having small mishaps with recomendations, it all came together, its in and we are that much closer to a semester in El Salvador!

School is insane, exhausting and week 10 "dead week" starts tomorrow. Thing is its more like death week. But we make it through always. The weekend was so productive but not in a not fun weekend kind of way. Friday night I hermitted, started some work, read and went to bed early. Sat we went to the farmers market that I love soo dearly. You can not find a farmers market in early March anywhere near Leadville and the fruit and veggies here are just soo good and fresh. Its fantastic.  I did a whole bunch of homework and hung out with some good people. And now... Im ready for bed. But I still have some more homework ahead of me. Its all good though, I like the feeling of being productive and on top of things, a whole lot.

Im going home next weekend. And I couldnt be more excited for a weekend of relaxing, meeting the 2011 Young RYLA team (SOOO EXCITING) seeing my best friends and spending time with my mama. Perfect cure for the exhaustion and stress of the last couple weeks of school and just good for the soul.

Then I come back, take a final and am off to Arizona for a week in the Navajo Nation with a group of really great people. Super excited for that too. Ive been waiting to do an immersion trip forever and thing that this is gonna be such a cool experience.

Thats all.. I told ya, nothing exciting.

But... check out http://www.addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com and the awesomeness that is going on in my super cool cousins' lives. Tonight and tomorrow morning all you have to do is press "like" twice on a facebook picture contest to help them bring their sweet little boy home. I dreamt about him the other night and he's the perfect fit to add to the love and excitement and joy that they have created with their fun family. They also have a ipad giveaway happening right now! Keep up to date with their blog for lots of ways to help and to follow their exciting and scary adoption journey.

Have a great week, take sometime to breath and look at the pictures on your wall and appreciate all that this life is. Cause even in the midst of writing papers, working on projects and feeling like life is non stop there is so dang much to be so happy about. It makes every word worth writing and every minute of work totally worth it.

See you in a week Colorado, cant wait!
<3

powwwwdddaaaa

Wanna know something realllllyyy cool.

1. I live in California.
2. I HAD THE MOST AMAZING POWDER DAY OF MY LIFE YESTERDAY followed by another day of amazing skiing today.

I didn't ever think those two things would be said in the same conversation.
Seriously... such an amazing weekend. Jes, Kylie and I went up Thursday night. They worked, I relaxed, did some work and lolly gagged on Friday. Had a super cozy dinner while it continued to DUMP outside (it did that ALL day Fri and the wind was sooo strong that almost all of the resorts were closed). Got up for first chair Saturday, when in through a sneaky back route and were the 2nd people on the chair. The area was closed the day before meaning it was COMPLETELY untouched with 4 feet of new snow. We had the entire back bowl pretty much to ourselves and like 10 other people and did lap after lap of untouched powder runs.

Seriously it was amazing. I have never had that much fun skiing and I have had a whole lotta days skiing in my life.  Today was sunny and we still got some left over untouched powder.

So freakin great.
Not to mention great food, sleeping conditions and hosting by my bro and Kylie. Gotta love havin them so close and so awesome!

More to come later but just had to document how much this weekend kicked ass. Now I have to sleep, I am sooooo tired.

Its about the human race.

I started writing last night. Giddy off of too much studying, Navajo Nation meeting and just super people I have in my life.

Tonight my heart is a little heavy, but still all the things I was gonna write about yesterday ring true.

My life= writing letters to donors thanking them for their money helping me go to Navajo Nation explaining why Im here, what this place has done for me. Writing a biography about my mama in Spanish explaining why she is so very special to me.  Working on my motivation essay for my Casa app. Why do I want to do this? How did I get here? Creating a major, picking classes that seem relevant and important. Trying to figure out what relevant and important means. What am I gonna do with all this, what do I need and want to learn. How can I grow and learn the things I feel necessary to create change.

I guess its really all about change.  Its about this girl from a little tiny town, coming to a big place that has stretched the boundaries of my brain. My heart. My soul. A girl who wants people to be helpful, peaceful. Who tells friends "I wish I could give out strength, happiness and love loans... because I have so much" A girl who once thought life was to big for me to figure out, who sometimes wanted to crack and let someone else pick up the pieces, a girl who has been shown and taught values and love and passion that have gotten me to a place that is more than I could have ever imagined.

But really.. its not about any of that at all. It is about people. People from little towns and big towns. Mountains and desserts.  Streets and big mansions. It is about people who want peace and love and happiness. People who have seen pain and people who are still suffering minute to minute.  It is about change and learning to ride the tide. Its about balance... happiness for sadness, sunshine for rainy days. It is about something bigger than each of us. It is about conflict. Big, huge, scary conflict. It is about the Salvadorans suffering still from the civil war. The Palestineans who are being beat to death, who's houses are being bull dozed, whose live's are being taken, literally and figuratively. It is about the immigrants who are forgotten, pushed away, looked down upon, treated poorly. About the children whose parents are sick and cannot take care of them.  The families that work harder than the rest of the world, but still are struggling to put socks on their feet. It is about the teenagers who feel so much pain that life no longer seems an option and it is about all of us... the whole entire world, somewhere, somehow who are in support of someone who is in pain. Who want peace and love and happiness. In some form or another.

It is about so much more than me. Or you. Or one person. It is about us, the human race. Who are connected by so much, and so easily torn apart.  It is about change, change that has started in Egypt and Wisconsin and so many other places, change that has happened and so much more change that must keep happening.

Hayley and I sometimes joke about the big hippies we have become.  We wonder if everyone goes through this in college and we hope that we can hold onto this. The sentiment, passion, curiosity, love of people and life and need to create justice and walk in solidarity with these people. We hope that we never let go of this fire that has been ignited inside us. And we wonder how people loose it and how you relight it.  What is the match and what is the mouth that blows the flame.

I am forever and constantly overwhelmed by this life.  The beauty and the pain. The love the hurt. The balance, and the lack thereof.
I am so thankful for this place and this opportunity that has stretched my brain and shown me a different way to see things and so thankful for all the learning and growing and pain and love and emotion and change that is to come.

This life is such a gift. And our responsibility is to do whatever we can to avoid going through it and not seeing meaning, critically looking at the way things are and stretching our heart to others. We have a responsibility to learn and listen and be one with the rest of the human race.  We have a responsibility to find the match and light a fire within us.

Unmistakable Sureness

Have you ever felt like someone nicely, excitedly, gently grabbed your heart and put it on the table and your heart looked up at you and said "HEY DO THIS!!!"

I feel that.

I have never ever in my life felt so sure about something so scary before.
I have felt this feeling of not being able to stop smiling, of goosebumps covering my body, of tears welling up in my eyes, of universe aligning and telling me something here and there.
But I am feelin it big time.

I went to another talk about El Salvador tonight. Called "Do You Love the World Enough to See It?" Father Mark who is one of the main professors, jesuits, souls of the Casa program in El Salvador showed pictures, told stories, showed videos and explained the pillars of the program. But really its the feelings that he conveyed that had my heart on the table jumping all over the place yelling at me that this is where I am supposed to be.

I cant put the feeling into words but El Salvador next fall is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. And my heart is so dang sure of it. Its gonna be scary and hard and its gonna rock my world. But that is exactly what I need. The little giggles of the Salvadoran kids, the connection of with the community, the excitement about classes because what they are teaching is what you are living.. it all sounds like the most perfect thing ever. Scariness, courage, vulnerability, compassion.. opening my heart and my mind and having everything I know get tossed around a little. That is exactly what I need.

I was telling the women of my soul recently that I haven't ever really signed up for a challenge. Life has thrown me some scary stuff, I've shed my fair share of tears, and have been on a rollercoaster ride. And all the ups and downs and what ifs and challenges, those have made me. And although I dont want anybody to feel some of that pain I cannot imagine not experienceing those things... but they really had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be leaning on the tree that fell but I never was the one who really had my roots ripped out and my whole world turned upside down. And even if it felt like it I sure as heck never asked anyone to flip my world for me.

But this time.. Im signing up for it. I'm writing the essays, filling out the application, and choosing to go into a crazy, scary and amazing part of my life. And I couldnt be more excited. Im scared, Im worried I wont be able to speak well, I know Ill be far away. I know Ill have days where Ill wish I could be home where things are how Im used to... but just as much as it will be hard.. it will be amazing. It will show me what matters. It will force me to search deep down into the core of who and what I am and come back still searching but maybe directed more in the way I should be headed.

The feeling is out of this world. And I am so so happy that this is where I am headed and so so very thankful for the people who have helped me to find this direction.

I dont really have the world to sum this up... cause its just the beginning of sooo much. The universe is a crazy force and learning to hear it and feel it is such an important thing

shmorgashboard of thoughts

Sometimes I come to this blog and the words just flow... my thoughts make sense and when I read it it sounds like I think it should.
Other times I cant make words so I ramble and read it and think that people are gonna think Im crazy.. sometimes I delete it.. sometimes I just give up and post it.
Blogging is a funny thing. But I like it. For me. And for you. And I like reading other peoples thoughts. Its like a reminder that we are all crazy thinkers and we have a lot more in common than we let ourselves believes. And sometimes putting my thoughts into words just validates them for me.
So... if your reading this I apologize for the times that I ramble... please ignore them if you feel it necesarry.

I dont really have perfect thoughts today but I do know a couple things.
This weekend was absolutley fantastic.
Not cause I went on some big adventure or had some crazy collegesque experience or cause i met a nice cute boy... just cause it filled my soul in ways that my soul has appreciated as of late.
Yoga, farmers market, layin in the sun, lots of gigglin, some cooking and baking, and just some really really great people in my life.
It was just a perfect weekend of relaxing and enjoying the simple things that make up life.
It has been mid 70's here all weekend.. we laid out in swim suits.. ITS FEBUARY. Crazy talk. But I like it. And I like that the mountains aren't too far away if Im really cravin some winter.
I love that I have people in my life who I get to do things like yoga and farmers market and days in the sun and talks about nothing and everything all at the same time. This place is amazing.. and I love the feeling of just being with great friends and enjoying each others company.. ya know.

I went to the Kindergarten class at LUCHA on Friday cause they need some more help and working in 3rd grade this year I'd been missin the little ones. THEY ARE SO FREAKIN CUTE.  In kindergarten you still think school and teachers are REALLY cool and exciting and by 3rd grade you have already accumulated some attitude. Mind you I love the 3rd graders too but its just a different dynamic and its fun to be in both classrooms and see the similarities and differences. They are real good kiddos and I love spendin my time there.

Yoga... I go through phases with exercise. Last year it was swimming. This fall it was running. Right now its yoga.  This place near by is doing a really sweet deal for students so a bunch of us got memberships there which makes it way easier to get there when friends are going too. Some of the classes are super gentle and just relaxing but others are really hard and leave my muscles in need of gentle yoga to heal. BUT I LOVE IT. I love the challenge of getting better and I love that even if Im in pain for a moment in the middle by the end I feel completely relaxed and reenergized. So good for the soul.

I guess thats all. Time is crazy, its already week 6. Which means we are HALFWAY done with this quarter. I dunno how that crap happens.  The weeks are so packed full of life that they just fly by, its kinda sad when you think about it.. but exciting too. Oh ya.. Im going to Navajo Nation in Arizona for an immersion trip over Spring Break and Im super duper excited.. I love this place and all the challenges it has for me. I also miss home... its normal I just love that place and those people so much SO Im planning to be there in March! :)

Thats all.. Happy Monday! <3