Remembering: Niña Santos' Uphill Walk

I've been meaning to start a new blog "series" called Remembering... for my heart, for my Salvadoran family, for the world.  Today... I want to remember Niña Santos, Mami Santos, the catalyst of so much of my experience in El Salvador.

Santos is a strong, petite woman who's face wears years of giving, working too hard, getting up too early, walking up and down the hill to get to work, accepting too much because "asi es la vida" and worrying too much about all of the people she loves. She has a family of 8 who she will never stop working for, who she loves and struggles with and for everyday, and who is the pride of her existence. She has 3 grandkids and even when she is the most exhausted and worn down the way she looks at them and takes care of them shows how deeply this woman loves.

Santos is the cook at Cedro- the community center where I spent my days as a student and was lucky to go back to last semester once a week. She knows every kids name, their story, their mom and what they need. She has a million and one responsibilities and keeps going- no matter how exhausted she is or how poorly she is being treated.  Almost stoic in the face of so much pain she is a pillar of strength-unstoppable, walking slowly but with such sturdiness and grace up and down the hill "porque los ninos tienen que comer" She told us that when the rains were pouring down during our time as students. There was no question that she would walk 45 minutes up the barely walkable, muddy hill in the freezing, muddy rain- because the kids had to eat and she would not let go of her responsibility to get these kids food- because she loves them with all of her being, and she knows how much they hurt and how much they rely on her to be there everyday and give them some nourishment, some sense of stability when everything else is falling apart.

But sometimes it feels like her life is falling apart. Her son was stabbed. Her daughter moved out. Her husband lost his job, hurt his foot and can't find new work. Everyone falls- and Santo's keeps standing up. And in her eyes we saw a brokeness, a hurting that connected to something inside of us. And we were so lucky to share some special moments where she could put down all of her work- sitting for a few minutes while we cleaned the dishes, or on a walk to a house and tell us about her pain. How she worries about her boys on their way into the city to work. She's not sure if they will finish school. If her daughter will get pregnant. How she will put enough food on the table. And when she lets out her suffering then you get to see the depth of her joy. The moments we caught her eye at the table- laughing quietly at some ridiculous thing happening. Or the smile when she heard her grandkids calling her, or when we did something ridiculously incorrect and impolite because our spanish was off. And all of her pain and joy and love for everyone she meets would exude from her face. And then she would hug us- and we could feel it all- universes of life, pain, fear, hopes and joy between us- held in a hug. She took us in, loved us so well and sometimes let us love her- rub her tense back, bring her coffee, clean the dishes for her.

Santo's is part of the reason I am here. Because as a woman she gets treated as less. Because she is uneducated she is treated as less. Because she works harder than most people I know and still struggles to put food on the table. Because her idea of God is one that is with her everyday in her suffering, yet she cannot talk about her womanliness, the struggles she is experiencing in her marriage, with her boss who is a nun- because she has less of a voice, fewer opportunities, more struggles but works as hard and loves as deeply as any of the rest of us. She walks back up the hill three nights a week to be with her Christian Base Community- where they read the bible and find comfort in the God who is with them, not abandoning them but accompanying them. And even though she has been poor her whole life, treated as less and struggled to survive, she still keeps walking up that hill, fighting for her kids, because she is committed to something better- something more for them than she had.

Sometimes I get so paralyzed by the suffering in the world- especially when I am far away from it. It is so easy for us to forget about the realities of poverty and inequality. And I wonder how I will keep fighting when it seems like it will continue to be hard, unequal, unjust and in my life time there will still be poverty, inequality and violence.

We have been talking about a perspective of abundance around here lately. Trying to imagine that the universe, God, whatever you want to call it- is generous and loving enough that there is enough love, life, food, justice to go around- and creative enough to make things better. And in the midst of one of my rants about how we can just simply say "May the Peace be With You" and hug each other not being fully in touch with how many people are living in a state of fear and violence- how can this be enough? How can anything be enough? Claire asked- "How can we have a perspective of abundance when things don't get better?"

Santos has this perspective of abundance. She finds light in the smiles of the kids and the comedor. Of her daughter continuing to study despite all of the barriers. Her sons working hard and trying to help her family. She holds onto the hope that there is in the little things rather than getting swallowed by the suffering. Because she has to. Unlike me she cannot get paralyzed by the suffering- because los niños tienen que comer- she has to keep walking up that hill.

And for Santos, I will keep walking up the hill. Keep remembering her suffering- especially when I feel like there is SO much abundance in my life and that is so unfair. I will remember the way she sees abundance, while continuing to marinate in the depth of her suffering and ask how and why our world can be so messed up- so that I continue to fight the uphill battle.

Here's to you Santos. Your love, your commitment, your pain and the hope that carries you up that hill- every single day.

Settled. Growing. Stretching. Deepening

Hi... I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs sometimes when I come back after so long away. I always want to write- and for whatever reason when I get out of the routine its hard to come back- someday Ill probably better understand what pulls me to or keeps me from writing. Often it is busy-ness- too much to put into words- but Im sure there are other things. I'm not always good at bringing confused thoughts to the table- especially if that is how I will reenter this little space. I often miss it though- and know how good writing is for my soul. And writing in a public way- it forces me to make sense of my thoughts, to share them, to make meaning of them outside of my head. And let me tell you- there is so much meaning to be made.

I have been in Boston for two months now- and time is the most mind boggling concept. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday that we were fighting mattresses up our narrow stairs, sweating profusely on the 90+ degree move in day and eating Thai food on our floor for the first time. But in a lot of ways- it feels like so long ago- because oh so much has happened. I don't want to do a lot of summarizing but the first month was an emotional roller coaster. Maybe the first month and a half. Transitioning from both El Salvador and my summer with Coop, Jesse and Kylie, questioning my knowledge/worth/belonging in grad school which is a whole different ball game than undergrad and doing all of that in a new place with new people and so much new to learn- it was a lot. I shed a lot of tears- but they were good tears and I am the luckiest to share a home with women I know and love- who were there for the tears and the ups and downs. It stretched me a lot to be here and just took sometime to settle in.

Don't get me wrong- there are still ups and downs. I mean who are we kidding- thats life. BUT this weekend I just felt very very at home. We have met a group of women who are here for the same reasons, asking the same questions, coming from similar places and just all around good hearted who have become our closest friends. And the friendships don't feel new anymore. There is a stage of acquaintances, then of knowing which of those acquaintances will become real friends, and then the process of really moving past that new stage. And I feel so lucky for the ways we have so quickly moved beyond that- had hard conversations,  laughed uncontrollably, shared in the day to day, had fun nights out and really are starting to feel like a solid crew. I think real friends are what make a place feel like home more than any thing else. And this weekend we squeezed six bodies on our two couches and did hours of nothing together while reliving our super fun Halloween night and it felt like these women are my real friends. And that doing nothing together was such time well spent- deepening in those friendships and getting closer every minute. So grateful that there are such amazing people here and so excited to continue to learn about each other and be on this journey together.

Our home is a little oasis- one of the best living situations I have ever had with check ins and community nights and gatherings and endless amounts of love. Its everything I dreamed of and so helps me carry El Salvador and who I become there with me everyday. We ordered an air mattress yesterday because somehow we have managed to have guests from near and far every single weekend and decided that means we should probably have a better space for them. We laugh, we cry, we talk about everything under the sun- its the biggest gift I could ask for.

Sunday I sat on the bus home from meeting a family I will likely be babysitting for as it snowed outside eating Plantain chips (typical Salvadoran snack) and was reminded of this interesting feeling of having homes in so many places that I come upon again and again. I miss El Salvador every day and struggle to understand how I get to be here studying, warm, living such a luxurious life while the people I love so dearly can barely put food on the table. I try to remember that being there is how I ended up here and that these degrees are going to help me give myself more fully to making change in this world. But sometimes I feel so far away- and then there are moments where the worlds collide in big and little ways and I feel so grateful, so connected to both worlds. But really- I dont feel that enough. My classes are all talking about the reality of suffering I encountered there but I feel far away from it- and am continuing to figure out how to carry it.

I think my time here is really important for that- to keep finding ways to hold, carry, understand, be inspired by the suffering that I have encountered. I was just writing a paper about a theologan who talks about the importance of remembering and lamenting suffering rather than finding rational answers for it. A lot of what Im learning is that there are not answers- and somehow we have to find ways to live in that ambiguity and make sense of our every day lives, do what we can to create instead of destruct and fight against oppression instead of oppress all while holding onto some hope that there is something better we are working towards.

My brain has fireworks exploding everyday- I am learning so much. Gathering language for what I believe, imagining ways I will live and be in this world, gaining tools to make change, asking hard hard questions and feeling so inspired every day.

I know that its right for me to be here. Even though there are so many people and places that I miss. And its taken a while to feel settled. I feel settled. I feel like me. I feel myself growing and stretching and deepening. And I could not be more grateful.

A Manifesto for a New Chapter

I'm on the plane to Boston. The beginning of the flight I put my sweatshirt over my head and cried my little eyes out. Leaving Kylie, Jes and Cooper was really hard. Then I slept for a while and woke up to the most intense turbulence ever... And was telling myself we wouldn't crash, we're good at flying, while squeezing my eyes shut actually terrified I wouldn't make it to Boston. Then I started reading the book "In the Company of the Poor" And felt connected to El Salvador and my choice to go to BC for grad school. Most people don't know this but I'll be studying Social Work and Pastoral Ministry. I usually just say Social Work because I don't want to explain.. And would have never expected to be studying theology.. But here I go. Flying to Boston for a dual degree. 

As I read it reminded me so much how this decision came about. And that although leaving Cooper, Jes, Kylie and The Bay was really freaking heart wrenching it's so right that I am starting this new chapter. In El Salvador I came to understand Liberation Theology- a faith that acts for justice, that makes a preferential option for the poor, that is based in an understanding of God's love and our human responsibility to share that love and fight for justice. That just makes so much sense to me- so much more sense than how I understood the church for so many years pre SCU- judgmental, exclusive, hurtful, aloof. The church I want to be a part of is not like that. And the reason I decided to study Pastoral Ministry- where I will learn how to put faith and theological reflection into action is because I feel like too often the power of the church is used in hurtful ways. And there need to be more people fighting for the poor, for love, justice, equality. And really acting on a daily basis. Thus- Social Work and Pastoral Ministry. What feels like me the perfect combo to help me continue understanding the deep poverty and suffering I encountered in El Salvador, along with the hope, joy and faith that will forever motivate me to fight for something different. Cause the world is not right.

So- as I fly to Boston I am thinking about who I am, what I carry with me and how even though Theology school and the East Coast sometimes feel terrifying I know that I can handle it- and have become a woman who is ready and excited for this next step in this past amazing year of growth, love, challenges and reality. The Casa students write a manifesto towards the end of their time there.. Here is mine. 

I believe that the world is not right- that too many people have way too much, while so many more don't have enough. I believe we have a responsibility to be aware of what we have- and how our privilege, which comes from being born in a certain place, with a certain color of skin, gender, socioeconomic status, etc- is really intertwined in what other people don't have. I believe we have a terrifying ability to create boundaries in our heads- to be in our comfortable worlds and forget about the rest- and that is how these unequal and painful structures continue. 

But I also believe in love and hope and faith. I believe that a different reality is possible- and so many forces- here on earth in the flesh and some we will never know, see or understand are fighting against suffering. The Salvadorans taught me this in their commitment to life, constant struggle for something more and deep deep belief in a God who is with them. I believe that we can work together and find hope, progress and life in that. And while I will die before poverty and suffering are eliminated we can make a dent- a larger dent with the more people that are committed to working TOGETHER- to empowering ourselves and the oppressed to understand that we are ALL worthy of life, happiness, love, safety, health and dignity. 

I have a deep love for and commitment to Latin America. I know that there are so many parts of the world that are in need- but the personal connection I have fuels my fire, gives me hope and energy to keep fighting. And I love working together with people who's passion lies somewhere else, learning from them and the comradaree that comes in a common struggle for something better.

I want to work with women. I saw the pain, mistreatment, feeling of being forgotten, left behind and less than that women in El Salvador experience so deeply. And I know that women across the world feel that. I believe in fighting for equality- standing up against what the world tells women we should be. Joining forces with other women to remember we are more than our looks, our ability to take care of others, our endlessly hard working cores- we are more than what the idea of a woman is too often belittled too. We are strong, intelligent, loving, independent and we also need each other- we need love, care, affirmation, recognition for our souls, our brains, our hearts and our bodies too.

I believe in family. The ones who we share blood with and those we do not. I believe we need each other- we need to call people and receive phone calls just to say I love you. We need to show up. We need to laugh together, cry together and be vulnerable with each other. We need our pains and joys to be heard and affirmed. We need companions in this life. And we need to see each other, sacrifice for each other, listen to each other and have balanced give and take relationships. 

I believe in community. People to hold us accountable, make us laugh, remind us what is important in this world and bring about joy, hope and faith in times when the darkness in our world is overwhelming.

I believe in vulnerability. And believe that too often pride, fear, society- so many things get in the way of it. I spent so many years of my life convincing the world I was ok, my world was ok and I didn't need anyone. And boy was I wrong. I believe that if we were more honest about our pains, fears and needs we would be so much healthier. We would share the burden and take care of each other instead of hiding and turning to unhealthy vices to survive, to be ok, to fake it til we make it. I believe we should be honest when relationships aren't quite right, we should be honest when we aren't being our best, we should let our feelings show and feel them instead of always being strong and ok. And I believe that is so much easier said than done ;)

I believe every single one of us has a story and a universe inside of us. One filled with pain, joy, memories, people, hopes and fears that make us who we are and lead us to act how we do- sometimes in beautiful ways and other times hurtful ways. But I believe if we remember that everyone is coming from their own story and experiences we can all have more compassion- talk through these hurts and overcome painful patterns caused by painful pasts so that we can all live and love better. I believe in therapy to do that- I believe everyone should go and that the stigma around it is such a barrier to living life more fully.

I believe in spending time outside, soaking in fresh air and the beauty of this planet. I believe in putting my toes in the ocean, smelling flowers, skipping through fields and plunging in freezing cold water. I believe in exercise- because it nourishes my body, reminds me of my strength and ability- and also my weakness. I believe in good food. I believe that everyone should have access to all these things- and am heart broken that so many people don't.

I believe in God. A god that loves me unconditionally and loves every single person unconditionally. A god that wants me to fight to bring that love to everyone. A god that wants justice and needs people to be his/her hands and heart in making his/her dream a reality. I believe in a god that is not judgmental, that wants women to have equal opportunities in the church, that believes everyone has the right to love and marry whoever they want, that the poor deserve the upmost care, concern, love and empowering relationships to bring them out of suffering. That we are all equally deserving of love and life. That we don't mess up as much as the church/ bible say we mess up. That is forgiving. That is present. A god that is understood differently by every single person across the globe but is the same source of love, life and hope.

I believe in me. The suffering I have overcome. The courage I have had in doing that. My ability to love, create community, hold people's joys and sufferings and love with my whole heart. I believe in my decision to come to Boston- to study theology even though I am terrified I don't know enough. I believe in my experiences and relationships as deep knowledge. My love of learning and desire to understand. And I believe in my commitment to justice- love- life- equality for EVERY SINGLE person as enough to help me when I am lost in the next three years. I believe these degrees will help me better understand how to fight for justice and love. I believe in my voice, my ability to stick to and stand up for what I believe- to be radical and misunderstood in order to fight for the people I love. I believe I will hold tight onto the friendships I will be far away from. And the friendships I will make. I believe I deserve deep, equal, honest, healthy love. I believe in who I am coming into this new chapter and the growth that will cause continued becoming.

And I can't wait to see what the future holds. So- here's to goodbyes, terrifying flights, books and new chapters that make you think about who you are. Here's to a new adventure. To being courageous, honest, radical, brave and deeply loving. 

Dear Cooper

My sweet Cooper,

     Right now you are in my arms cuddling with Lamby and your blanket groaning. You always groan before you fall asleep.. It's like sleep is painful or you just have really bad F.O.M.O. We joke about it hoping you'll grow out of it before the kids can make fun of you. It's actually pretty adorable though. And snuggling with you right before you fall asleep is about the best thing in the world. Today I've had trouble moving you to your crib. My chances to snuggle with you while you sleep are limited.. Our summer together is coming to an end in just a couple days. And I can't believe how quickly my eyes fill with tears everytime I think about leaving you.

This summer with you has been such an incredible gift. And I feel the luckiest to have spent three months going for long walks, watching you grow and rolling around with you on the floor. When you were born in time for me to meet you before going back to El Salvador I was over the moon.. I needed to know you before leaving for four months. And before going to grad school for three years this summer has given me the chance to really get to know all your quirks and the complete joy that you are for this family. You are so perfect- funny, curious, inquisitive, joyful, smart, brave and charismatic as mama said a while ago. And you have filled my heart with so so much joy these past three months.

Watching you grow and learn has been so neat. When I first got here you were a completely different boy. Still a baby.. Now you are a little boy. This summer I have watched you learn to roll both ways. Take long naps in your crib. Sit up. Eat solid food. Start to babble your heart out. Fall in love with your Lamby. Give out endless smiles to everyone you meet. Giggle. Recognize people. And just recently pull yourself up to stand!  Your mommy and I talk about how you are the only baby we can both just watch for hours and hours and never get bored. Every facial expression, sound, movement and moment with you is mesmerizing, interesting and hillarious. I can't tell you how much joy you bring to our lives.

Some of my favorite Cooperisms are the way you will raise your eyebrows and smile when I look at you. The grin you greet me with every morning when mommy and daddy bring you out to me. Your giggle. The way you jump at every chance you can. In anyone's arms, on laps, when I hold your hands and you stand on the floor and in your jumpers. This new hilllarious thing you do when you puff out your cheeks, purse your lips and blow air out your nose- you look completely ridiculous and I laugh so hard everytime you do it. The huge grins you give me when we go for runs and I stop to check in on you and how very much you love to be outside. I love how cute you are in your footy pajamas and when your sleeves are rolled up and you look like a little man. The big grin you get when you swing. And lately how active, brave, and curious you are in crawling and pulling yourself up on things.

Another amazing part of this summer has been seeing how very very much your mommy and daddy love you. You are their whole wide world and they would give everything to make sure you are happy and healthy. Both of them were made to be parents and watching them with you has been so neat. Your daddy loves to take you outside with him, snuggle with you, watch you grow and learn and thinks you are so funny. Daddy gets to work from home a lot and loves coming out to hang out with you for a few minutes or having you come in and help him work. As you grow up he will have so many important things to teach you. He is the wisest most loving man I know and we are both so lucky to have him to look up to. Your mommy has the biggest soft spot in her heart for you and leaving you to go back to work was so so hard. She wants to be with you every minute and is spending lots of time trying to figure out the best way to do it. She too thinks you are so so funny. Snuggling with you is one of her favorite things and watching you jump, crawl and play too. I love to see you two reading books together when she comes home from work and when she gives you a bath you just love it. Both of them want to let you see the whole world, take you with them to the beach and the mountains and to play with friends. Your life will not have a lack of love and fun in it. But they also will have important rules to keep you safe. They both worry about you a lot and will always have your happiness and health as their first priority, I can see how deeply they love you everytime they look at you. You are really lucky to have absolutely incredible parents. They really wanna be the best parents possible and are so ready to learn and grow with you. They also make the best team and always take turns with you even though they both want every minute with you. Most the time they agree on exactly how to be your parents and when they don't they compromise and each of their opinions creates the perfect balance. They are the best!

There are so many people in this world that love you Coop. You have a big family of cousins and aunts and uncles on both sides who just wanna squeeze you. You are lucky you get to spend so much time with family and with all of mommy and daddy's awesome friends. You stole the hearts of all my friends too and everyone loves following #onedaywewillrootforcoop.The hashtag that mommy and daddy's friend Emily came up with and is full of cute pictures of you.

Sometimes I see your uncle Eric in you. I don't have my own memories of him but I think you look like his baby pictures. Mama says sometimes she catches you talking to him. I think he's probably a part of you and always there watching out for you just like your Grampy Skip.

We have taken a few trips to Tenesse Valley beach where you like to play with the dark pebbly sand and watched a kite fly the other day. We go to the library sometime for story time where you are so curious about the other kids. We pretty much always stay in our pajamas longer than is socially acceptable but we love our cozy mornings. You have made my runs much more enjoyable and know the Mill Valley path so well- even though lots of times you like to nap while we run. More than anything else we have spent hours waking down Sycamore into downtown where we go to the depot or window shop, go to Old Mill park and meet lots of friends. Everyone thinks you are the cutest baby ever especially when you flash them your award winning grin. We've had a really relaxing summer which has been so special for your Aunt Shelly. And is good for both of us cause next week we both start a new chapter! You will go to daycare a couple doors down and I'm flying far far away to Boston. 

I wish I was going to be closer and am so heart broken to leave you. But am so grateful for our time together, the special bond we have created and to be your Aunty. I promise I will be back in three years to be close to you. And until then just tell mommy and daddy you want to face time everyday and come visit your Aunt Shelly.

I love you forever and ever Coop and will miss you so much. Sorry about all the tears that will probably land on you when we are saying goodbye. You have completely stolen my heart and I don't want to miss a moment. You change so fast and I know when I see you next you will be walking and talking. Thanks for giving me the best love ever and filling my transition home with love and joy. You are the sweetest, cutest, happiest boy that ever lived and I love you so much!

With all my love,

Aunt Shelly

Cheers To Trena and Kevin

A year ago today my journey as a CC began when the students arrived in El Salvador. I woke up this morning and saw a facebook post from one of them and felt the sting of nostalgia deep in my heart. Nostalgia is a weird thing to feel- and I feel it all the time for that place, my year there and everything I learned.

Two weeks ago I was in Hastings, MI for a CC reunion at Trena (one of my bosses) family's farm. One night when all 9 past CC's who could make it were together we toasted to Trena and Kevin. In that moment it was for their amazing parenting and all that they have taught us about parenting, family and love. I've been meaning to write something in their honor since I got back, today seems like a fitting day.

Trena and Kevin met at Miami of Ohio getting their masters in Human Development and after that went to Boston College for a 2nd masters in Pastoral Ministry. Then spent two years in Belize as Jesuit Volunteers and came back in search of their next step. After reaching out to a bunch of jesuits they were put into contact with Fr. Dean Brackely- an American Jesuit who moved to El Salvador after the six Jesuits were brutally murdered by the Salvadoran army during the civil war. Dean Brackley had accompanied numerous delegations to El Salvador and dreamt of something more long term and Tre and Kev were looking to start something similar to JVI for college students- so the Casa program was born.

They moved to El Salvador 15 years ago, came home to have two of their daughters and had the last two in El Salvador but have raised all four of them there. They have built the most amazing program I've ever known and this past year became family. It was SUCH an amazing gift to have them be my first bosses out of college- and probably set the standard way too high. Their ability to accompany us as CC's is incredible and I learned so much from them. They have a staff of 15 Salvadorans plus all the community partners they work with and have created a work environment that is so special and unprecedented in a country like El Salvador. Every other Monday we had a staff check in- a space to talk about how each member of the staff is doing completely separate from work- we cried, laughed and spilled our guts in these check ins. For people's birthday's we took turns affirming them to celebrate their presence in our life and once a semester we had a staff outing where all the staff members and their family are invited for a day of relaxing, spending time together and celebrating all the work they do. So many up and coming companies like Google are all about creating work life balance and attracting people to come work at their business by treating people like humans instead of just workers. Tre and Kev were way ahead of the game and by allowing their staff to become family, to bring their personal life to work and to really feel at home will have many of their same staff members the entire time the Casa exists- its a beautiful thing and an environment I too hope to create for people someday.

The learning curve as a CC is steep- it is so hard to know how you are doing and personally first semester I was CONSTANTLY questioning myself and my ability to accompany the students the best I possibly could. But after 15 years of doing it they give the best advice while also trusting us and giving us the space to figure some of it out on our own. During a particularly hard week we would often go over for a glass of wine and a mindless tv show or just sit around and chat for hours at the kitchen table. We played games and laughed so hard we cried, planned their daughter's birthday parties, spent days at the beach and had weekly one on ones to talk through the emotional roller coaster that is being a CC and living in El Salvador.

Watching them as parents is one of the most meanigful experiences of family and parenting I have ever had. The way they include their girls in the Casa, love and respond to each of them so differently just how they each need, talk honestly, work through conflict, expose them to the world and share them with so many people blew my mind. Their four girls are the sweetest, silliest little women and became little sisters during our time there that were so hard to say goodbye to. Tre would share with us the challenges and joys of being a mom- reminding us how important the job of parenting is, giving us advice we joked we would put in our list of things to remember and teaching us how to be good mom's just by witnessing. Such an incredible gift.

And two weeks ago they had the 2nd annual CC reunion- because you really become family and having a chance to be back together with them and the girls is so so special and important. I am endlessly grateful for their presence in my life. SO inspired by who each of them are- their commitment to justice, faith, equality, their families, the Salvadoran's, the Casa and continously learning, dreaming and building the Casa into a better experience for students and staff alike.

So here's to Trena and Kevin- to a year of learning from them, and to their new group of students and CC's that have the chance to learn from them now. Thank you for all that you do!

"You will never be completely at home again

.. Because a part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place."

The night before graduation last year I cried my eyes out to Zach and Margot.. Sad to leave Santa Clara, nervous about going to El Salvador and telling them how many places I wanted to be... In Colorado with Elyse, Zach and Sawyer, California with Coop, Margot's car with her, India with Lauren, El Salvador, the list went on to all the places people I love would be. This quote feels like the perfect explanation of that moment and so many years of wanting to be in more than one place. Sometimes it feels like F.O.M.O (fear of missing out) but really it is that.. The richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place.

Since I found this quote I have been thinking about it a lot. I miss El Salvador every single day.. And this past year that really did become home. In a crazy and beautiful way a life that is so far from this one and brings me to life in so many ways became home and I absolutely loved it. Leaving was so hard and I don't think ill ever fully understand how to integrate the different worlds. But there is also something beautiful about being able to find home wherever I am.

Last week we went home to Colorado for a family reunion with the Maddex clan and I stayed for a week with my mom, my mountains and my best friends- the place that no matter where I am in my life will always be home. It was SUCH a great trip. The family reunion was an absolute ball- and special for me that it was in Leadville and the time outside, mountain train ride, nightly campfires, frisbee golf and visit to Eric's was really special home time for me. But it also felt like home to be with my family- many who I haven't seen for 8 years. But had a care and interest in me and what matters to me that let me feel at home. I got to talk about El Salvador, play with the next generation of cousins and dance the funny dance between little cousin and woman with my older cousins. And it was fantastic. 

My mama has to move out of Leadville. And once all the family had left I spent some days soaking in time in Leadville, long runs at the lake, going through my room, dinners with mom and some tears about the idea of leaving our house.. The longest physical space I have known as home. As I cried we talked about all the good and the bad we've been through in that house- and I think leaving the space is a weird symbol of moving on and letting go- of some thing's that it's time to let go of and others we don't ever want to let go of. And when it feels scary to leave Leadville I just have to remember that it's the people, the memories, the mountains that make that home- just as much as our house. My time with Elyse and Zachy reminded me of that- how home it is to be with them. And dreaming of Zachys future wondering how you meet a group of friends like ours I told him I've found those friends in so many places- and for that I am so so grateful.

Sometimes having my heart spread all over the country and world feels a little hard. I am always missing someone, always have a list of people I need to call and always wanting to jump around the world to visit all the people my heart holds so dear. But really it is such a gift. And has made for such a richness of living, learning, growing and feeling crazy amounts of support.

While I was home I started dreaming of living in Colorado. I want to be close to Sawyer as he grows up, help my mom move and be able to live the day to day with Zach and Elyse like we always have. Crazy thoughts were happening- maybe I should just go to school at CSU and not go to Boston right now. Sometimes moving across the country, starting a whole new home and falling in love with new people sounds terrifying. 

Then I got on the plane and started reading my journal from El Salvador- and I did the same thing at the end of my time there. Dreaming of ways to stay. But I also read about all the reasons I am going to Boston next year, the parts of me that are still becoming that I think my time in Boston will really nourish. And while all the people, love and homes I have in my life fill me so full- there is a becoming me and process of finding that home in me that I am still working on. And falling in love with more people and places can never be a bad thing, especially cause we are lucky enough to live in a world where we can keep in touch across long distances. And I am privileged enough that I can make those visits- and I think I've gotten preety good at long distance friendships. And I can still dream of all the homes I might want to end up in in three years- Colorado, The Bay, El Salvador.. My heart will find the way. 

I came back to the bay and felt a joy of coming home to here too, walks with Coop, Jes and Kylie and the things about here that have become home. It's preety amazing how hearts can adapt so easily and amazing to know that wherever I am can always feel like home. And someday I will choose where I want to call home more permanently. For now I am endlessly grateful for the homes and friendships that have nourished my heart. 

Exactly Where I Need to Be

I've been home for a month now. I cant even believe it. Everyday I miss El Salvador.. and everyday I feel oh so grateful to be here and like I am exactly where I need to be. I just came in from sitting on the porch with a mellow Cooper taking in the world- those moments are so special and I get to soak up so many of them. When I was deciding if I should stay in El Salvador or come here the Salvadoran's commitment to their family was a huge part in deciding to be here. Ever since graduating high school I have gone on tons of adventures, taken big risks, gone new places and done really amazing things for myself..and it felt like it was time to do something for my family. As adults Jesse and I get to create our family and make it what we want- and having this summer with them is such a perfect way to start that closeness and I really love being here.. for so many reasons...

1. Soaking up such special time with Coop: walks into town, afternoons playing in the yard, slow mornings, watching him learn to roll and bounce and babble, getting lots of smiles and figuring him out. This guy has completely stolen my heart and leaving in August is gonna be hard. But I am just so grateful to have this special time with him.. and know that for the rest of his life this time together is gonna matter.

2. Seeing Jes and Kylie as such amazing parents. I love watching them love him. Talking through whats amazing and hard about parenting. Laughing with them and just living the day to day with them. Learning from them about what it means to have a healthy, happy and stable home and realtionship. And feeling myself get closer and closer with them- such a gift. Last night we watched Parenthood (best tv show ever) and all cried... and how special to have those moments.

3. Everything about the Bay. I am quickly falling back in love with these place.. and dreaming of coming back here after my quick East Coast stint. Jes and Kylie moved to Mill Valley (just North of the Golden Gate) a year ago to be closer to open space. And it really is the best of both worlds. So easy to go for runs, hikes, take a ferry across the bay, get to wine country and get into the city. My week days are quiet, suburb life with evening runs to the beach or through the sycamore trees into town and I can easily pop into the city for dinner or fun weekend play.

4. San Francisco... Sunday we went to Pride...and it was amazing. It is fun and crazy and silly but it is also so meaningful and profound to live in a city that is so radically accepting and loving, and hopefully teaching something to the rest of the world. So many companies, church's, different ethnic groups and people you wouldn't expect to be supportive walked in the parade. And we sat on the side with so many people full of joy cheering them on, cheering on acceptance, and love that can not be right or wrong or labeled. As we watched I told Farwell.. this city gives me hope. So often being back in the states after El Salvador I feel frustrated with what matters to us, the way we get lost in money and image and our selves. The amount that so many have while others here and across the globe have so much less. But as I soaked up the energy of Pride I felt incredibly grateful to live in this country- where we are making progress to understanding that all love is equal and that it is NOT OK to tell people who they can and cannot love. Cheers to you San Francisco.. you are amazing.

5. Moments of meeting beautiful souls from Central America and getting a chance to speak to them in Spanish, ask where they are from, connect with them in their language and hear a little bit of their story. At library story time I don't find myself chatting with the other moms but instead with the Latina nannies, women who came to the states years ago and have been taking care of different families ever since- yet may never see their own families again. Our housekeeper who told me she tries to always speak to her kids in Spanish cause she doesn't want them to loose that connection. Or the guy in the market from Guatemala who lives a life so different than the one he left behind. Speaking spanish is such a beautiful thing and I love the way it breaks down barriers. My heart is so connected to the suffering of the people who risk their lives to come to the states and I feel fired up and frustrated and heart broken about immigration policy and deportation and all thats in the news. But the chance to share a bit of my story and hear their's and connect in someone else's language fills me with the love, hope and motivation that I found in El Salvador to fight for something different.

6. Friends in the bay and weekends full of fun. I am SO grateful to be near Sam, Nate, Cara, Danielle, the Casa crew in the bay and so many others. I have missed my friends so much and love that I can pop into the city for dinner or they can come over for hikes, hot tubs and suburban calm. It's really special to have this time here with them and they make quiet weekdays with Coop less lonely.

7. Remembering what it means to have alone time, do things solely for me and listen to what my heart needs. This past year was so much about other people and exactly what I wanted it to be. But by the end I think I forgot what it meant just to be with myself. Towards the end I felt a little claustrophobic with a small group and small space and everything felt externally motivated. And while my extrovert heart craves that sometimes, I think it is so good to have the space and time just for me. To get back in touch with my heart, to do what I need and learn what I need before going into three years of busy, full days again. 


There is so much more- being able to pick up my phone and call anytime, sunny days and foggy days. The moments that my heart hurts so deeply for El Salvador and being able to snuggle with Coop, move slowly, call people who know my heart and just take care of myself. Reaching out to new spaces of support because I know thats what I need. So much. Last night I read a million notes from the staff and Salvadoran students that they gave me before we left. I miss them deeply and struggle again and again to understand how to hold that time and family close while not being paralyzed by missing it. But everyday I am figuring it out. And everyday I feel held and supported by this place and the people nearby. The world is good. Thank you thank you thank you.