Hi... I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs sometimes when I come back after so long away. I always want to write- and for whatever reason when I get out of the routine its hard to come back- someday Ill probably better understand what pulls me to or keeps me from writing. Often it is busy-ness- too much to put into words- but Im sure there are other things. I'm not always good at bringing confused thoughts to the table- especially if that is how I will reenter this little space. I often miss it though- and know how good writing is for my soul. And writing in a public way- it forces me to make sense of my thoughts, to share them, to make meaning of them outside of my head. And let me tell you- there is so much meaning to be made.
I have been in Boston for two months now- and time is the most mind boggling concept. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday that we were fighting mattresses up our narrow stairs, sweating profusely on the 90+ degree move in day and eating Thai food on our floor for the first time. But in a lot of ways- it feels like so long ago- because oh so much has happened. I don't want to do a lot of summarizing but the first month was an emotional roller coaster. Maybe the first month and a half. Transitioning from both El Salvador and my summer with Coop, Jesse and Kylie, questioning my knowledge/worth/belonging in grad school which is a whole different ball game than undergrad and doing all of that in a new place with new people and so much new to learn- it was a lot. I shed a lot of tears- but they were good tears and I am the luckiest to share a home with women I know and love- who were there for the tears and the ups and downs. It stretched me a lot to be here and just took sometime to settle in.
Don't get me wrong- there are still ups and downs. I mean who are we kidding- thats life. BUT this weekend I just felt very very at home. We have met a group of women who are here for the same reasons, asking the same questions, coming from similar places and just all around good hearted who have become our closest friends. And the friendships don't feel new anymore. There is a stage of acquaintances, then of knowing which of those acquaintances will become real friends, and then the process of really moving past that new stage. And I feel so lucky for the ways we have so quickly moved beyond that- had hard conversations, laughed uncontrollably, shared in the day to day, had fun nights out and really are starting to feel like a solid crew. I think real friends are what make a place feel like home more than any thing else. And this weekend we squeezed six bodies on our two couches and did hours of nothing together while reliving our super fun Halloween night and it felt like these women are my real friends. And that doing nothing together was such time well spent- deepening in those friendships and getting closer every minute. So grateful that there are such amazing people here and so excited to continue to learn about each other and be on this journey together.
Our home is a little oasis- one of the best living situations I have ever had with check ins and community nights and gatherings and endless amounts of love. Its everything I dreamed of and so helps me carry El Salvador and who I become there with me everyday. We ordered an air mattress yesterday because somehow we have managed to have guests from near and far every single weekend and decided that means we should probably have a better space for them. We laugh, we cry, we talk about everything under the sun- its the biggest gift I could ask for.
Sunday I sat on the bus home from meeting a family I will likely be babysitting for as it snowed outside eating Plantain chips (typical Salvadoran snack) and was reminded of this interesting feeling of having homes in so many places that I come upon again and again. I miss El Salvador every day and struggle to understand how I get to be here studying, warm, living such a luxurious life while the people I love so dearly can barely put food on the table. I try to remember that being there is how I ended up here and that these degrees are going to help me give myself more fully to making change in this world. But sometimes I feel so far away- and then there are moments where the worlds collide in big and little ways and I feel so grateful, so connected to both worlds. But really- I dont feel that enough. My classes are all talking about the reality of suffering I encountered there but I feel far away from it- and am continuing to figure out how to carry it.
I think my time here is really important for that- to keep finding ways to hold, carry, understand, be inspired by the suffering that I have encountered. I was just writing a paper about a theologan who talks about the importance of remembering and lamenting suffering rather than finding rational answers for it. A lot of what Im learning is that there are not answers- and somehow we have to find ways to live in that ambiguity and make sense of our every day lives, do what we can to create instead of destruct and fight against oppression instead of oppress all while holding onto some hope that there is something better we are working towards.
My brain has fireworks exploding everyday- I am learning so much. Gathering language for what I believe, imagining ways I will live and be in this world, gaining tools to make change, asking hard hard questions and feeling so inspired every day.
I know that its right for me to be here. Even though there are so many people and places that I miss. And its taken a while to feel settled. I feel settled. I feel like me. I feel myself growing and stretching and deepening. And I could not be more grateful.
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