A few weeks ago I accompanied a group of students on an immersion trip to Chiapas, Mexico. It was an incredibly trip full of learning and heart moving and reflecting together about our place in this world. So many things moved through me- but this poem I wrote after driving away from one of the most impactful parts of the trip.
Today we sat in a circle on the floor of Casa del Migrante
Five Salvadorans sat with us
They left home four days ago
And will walk for at least a month more
"The risk to stay in our country
is greater than the risk of this journey"
They tell stories of robberies, kidnapping and sexual assault
"But in my home I can't work, I can't go to school"
"They told me January wouldn't come for me,
that they would kill me over Christmas"
Tears streamed down my face
That country I love so deeply
Is no longer a place fit for living.
Their home can no longer be home.
Yet those words don't do justice
To the depth of pain in their eyes.
"It's hard to decide to leave your family
But I think you're country will be different
It will be different there"
More tears fall as I imagine sweet Arely in the U.S.
Yes she will be safer.
She will not receive gang threats
Or be afraid to step out her door.
Yet so many things will threaten her.
ICE. Discrimination. Isolation
A continued struggle to find work and survive.
But- she will be safer.
"We are trying to make a new life
because they took our old one from us"
"We'll stay a couple days until her feel heal"
"We met on the camino, we didn't want her to walk alone,
Donde vas mija?"
"Somos una familia"
They will protect her and each other
But who knows what the road holds ahead
Someone could die
She may be raped
They could get caught or sent back.
The road ahead is so unknown, so dangerous,
so full of risk.
Yet they reminded us the risk is worth it
because the risk to stay home is greater.
How did we get here?
How are we in such pain that gangs control our homes?
And then migration police control our choices, dreams and desires for a better life?
Our attempts to take care of our children and families
Our attempts to stay alive?
God. We are failing
We are failing so miserably
And listening to their stories
I am so overwhelmed,
Lost in a world of questions
About what we can possibly do
How will it get better?
My heart breaks so many times entering this reality
But I never want to stop letting it break.
My tears feel meaningless compared to hers
But I will keep crying them
Help me find a way to fight and walk and be with the people of our world
Who are forgotten, who are hurting, who keep fighting for their lives.
Give me the strength to engage with the hurt.
The courage to imagine something different.
And help me find the path to live into some answers.
Or even just one
Friday, February 5, 2016
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Coming Home, Going Home, Finding Home
These last two months have been some of the hardest months in a long time. A time of questioning so many things about my community, about systems, about justice and about the goodness of people. Watching someone I love hurt so deeply, and getting swept up in that hurt in ways that are both mine and not mine. The home that I have created here has been turned upside down and in the midst of that so many more questions about home fill my mind. Who am I? What matters to me? How do I trust and listen to my instinct that knows so much more than my anxious, running mind could ever think to know? How do I find a home within myself, hold on to my voice in an experience that has silenced me and pushed me out? How do I trust that I will find my space again, I will continue to recreate my communities, my home, myself- in the midst of felling like I am stuck in the muddiness of this situation?
Meanwhile my mom's house sold in a matter of minutes and suddenly what we had been talking about for years was happening in the blink of an eye. We flew home to pack, to go through things, to be with her and to spend one last weekend together in the house that has held SO much over the past 40 years that she and we have lived in it. There has been loss, there has been hurt, there has been so much love and togetherness and community in the space. We have fought and come together, we have cried and laughed so very hard. It is the single physical space that has held the very most of my life and in that space we were formed into who we are today- through ups and downs we could have never expected. I was worried the last weekend there might be tense, overly emotional or complex, but it was so very sweet. With Cooper running around making us laugh, boxes of old clothes and pictures being sorted through and some surprise tears, we felt so united, saying goodbye to a place we love, and excited that we are stepping forward with our mom into a new chapter- that she deserves more than anyone I know. I got a break from all this yuckiness there, was held by my family, and reminded of my roots and the people who love and know me so well. There were lots of tears as we drove away for the last time, and have been many conversations about the intensely emotional memories that were made there, and how we will carry them with us. Spaces are sacred, but memories, identities, family and a sense of home transcend those spaces and go with us wherever we are.
On Saturday I am getting on a plane to El Salvador for a week. And I could not be more excited. Things are really hard there right now. They are always hard but the violence has increased and I have had a few hard conversations with worried loved ones about my safety. First of all I will be safe and second of all I need to go. I will be safe because I will be surrounded by people that are family, that care about my safety so very much and know the situation better than any news story or worried university group can possibly know. I need to go because it is home, because in that space, surrounded by el pueblo that I love so dearly, I am the deepest, truest, best version of myself. I know what matters when I am there, I can see past all of the mudiness, the drama, the brokenness and remember why I am in this world and feel the humanity and love of people like no where else. It is my spiritual home, the place that I became Michelle and that altered the direction of my path to lead me here. To a place that is really hard and confusing right now, but that I am in for a reason. And will come out of strong and connected to myself and those who are most important in my life. I have been so excited dreaming of being there. Excited to see the families I love so dearly, get some space from here, reengage in that reality and let some of this go. I keep seeing myself on the beach in tears... feeling the pain of all this but finding hope and faith that I have felt distant from lately. Yet in the midst of my excitement and joy I know that it is going to be so hard. There are incredible amounts of pain there right now and they cannot stop me from going but rather make me want to be there even more. To do what started this all, be with people I love, hear their stories and sit with them in their pain caused by a world that is not ok.
There is a lot of fear in this world right now. Fear that is making us shut people out. Forget about people's dignity and humanity and close in to ourselves and our comfort. I'm pretty sure that's not what we are here for. And that it actually causes a lot more suffering and a lot less healing and liberation. So in this time where things are muddy and confusing I am holding onto the people and places that remind me who I am, that help me find a home in myself, and that are bringing true hope and healing into the world. My heart is broken, this world is broken, but running away from all of that rather than searching deep within it for love and life and resilience is not what we are called to do.
Meanwhile my mom's house sold in a matter of minutes and suddenly what we had been talking about for years was happening in the blink of an eye. We flew home to pack, to go through things, to be with her and to spend one last weekend together in the house that has held SO much over the past 40 years that she and we have lived in it. There has been loss, there has been hurt, there has been so much love and togetherness and community in the space. We have fought and come together, we have cried and laughed so very hard. It is the single physical space that has held the very most of my life and in that space we were formed into who we are today- through ups and downs we could have never expected. I was worried the last weekend there might be tense, overly emotional or complex, but it was so very sweet. With Cooper running around making us laugh, boxes of old clothes and pictures being sorted through and some surprise tears, we felt so united, saying goodbye to a place we love, and excited that we are stepping forward with our mom into a new chapter- that she deserves more than anyone I know. I got a break from all this yuckiness there, was held by my family, and reminded of my roots and the people who love and know me so well. There were lots of tears as we drove away for the last time, and have been many conversations about the intensely emotional memories that were made there, and how we will carry them with us. Spaces are sacred, but memories, identities, family and a sense of home transcend those spaces and go with us wherever we are.
On Saturday I am getting on a plane to El Salvador for a week. And I could not be more excited. Things are really hard there right now. They are always hard but the violence has increased and I have had a few hard conversations with worried loved ones about my safety. First of all I will be safe and second of all I need to go. I will be safe because I will be surrounded by people that are family, that care about my safety so very much and know the situation better than any news story or worried university group can possibly know. I need to go because it is home, because in that space, surrounded by el pueblo that I love so dearly, I am the deepest, truest, best version of myself. I know what matters when I am there, I can see past all of the mudiness, the drama, the brokenness and remember why I am in this world and feel the humanity and love of people like no where else. It is my spiritual home, the place that I became Michelle and that altered the direction of my path to lead me here. To a place that is really hard and confusing right now, but that I am in for a reason. And will come out of strong and connected to myself and those who are most important in my life. I have been so excited dreaming of being there. Excited to see the families I love so dearly, get some space from here, reengage in that reality and let some of this go. I keep seeing myself on the beach in tears... feeling the pain of all this but finding hope and faith that I have felt distant from lately. Yet in the midst of my excitement and joy I know that it is going to be so hard. There are incredible amounts of pain there right now and they cannot stop me from going but rather make me want to be there even more. To do what started this all, be with people I love, hear their stories and sit with them in their pain caused by a world that is not ok.
There is a lot of fear in this world right now. Fear that is making us shut people out. Forget about people's dignity and humanity and close in to ourselves and our comfort. I'm pretty sure that's not what we are here for. And that it actually causes a lot more suffering and a lot less healing and liberation. So in this time where things are muddy and confusing I am holding onto the people and places that remind me who I am, that help me find a home in myself, and that are bringing true hope and healing into the world. My heart is broken, this world is broken, but running away from all of that rather than searching deep within it for love and life and resilience is not what we are called to do.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Dearest Kamryn
I'm reading a book called Becoming Woman that was recommended by my very favorite professor this past year. It's a little outdated and painfully heteronormative but it talks about the different stages of a woman's life and the experience of self identity that come with each- especially in the midst of all the messages given to us by the world to be some specific idea of what is woman. These past two years have been really important in understanding myself as a woman- my role as a woman in this world and all the things I have been taught about who I should be. Constructs that often contrasts with who I can be and who I want to be. Starting in El Salvador with Trena's support and example and also being so entrenched in the Salvadoran experience of being woman my desire to be Michelle- to embrace my womanhood and not be limited by it- to understand it and to use that to empower other women really flourished. Then I went to Theology school... Where I experienced the incredible frustration and challenge of being a woman in the Catholic Church. Where from our traditions story of day one women have been devalued- less than men, expected to serve them, bear children and continue to be dehumanized and not celebrated or seen for who they are. Yet at the same time I was surrounded by the most empowering community of women- acknowledging the messages we have been given and giving them a strong, united "no thank you" (or lots of other choice words). I had female professors that found ways to bring intellect and experience together to defy these messages and to empower us to do the same. And experienced my fair share of holy anger.
At the end of the year I feel more in touch with myself as a woman than I ever have before- in so many ways. Owning who I am. Owning the b.s society has fed me and continuing to learn how to be exactly who I am. My mom did wonders in forming me as a woman that I continue to see manifest everyday as I come more fully into myself. She always taught me to express my opinions, she let me run naked in the yard and took me hiking and helped me understand the value of my body as part of me and the location of such joy and fullness of existence. She told me I could be whatever I wanted to be- taught me to be strong and independent and reach for the stars.. And never to submit to some idea of being less than. That said I have my fair share of baggage as we all do- that I will probably be making sense of for the rest of my life- but am so grateful for the consciousness to start and a community that is with me in it.
This past month seeing Mindy as a mom, being with seven year old Kamryn and Linden and Leighton in their first month as women on this earth I have thought a lot about what it means to become a woman- especially in the early stages. I have admired so much of what Mindy is teaching Kamryn (and has taught me over the years) and dreamed of how I will raise my daughters hoping I get that opportunity someday. I dream a lot of being a mom- I have for as long as remember- and really want to do the very best job at it I possibly can. I'm in no rush though and sometimes worry I'll forget the nuggets of wisdom I'm gaining along the way. So... This is for Kamryn- and for me to pass on someday to my own daughter.
Dearest Kamryn,
Being with you this past month has been the greatest joy. Watching you grow since I first held you in the hospital almost eight years ago has been so much fun- and it seems like I just keep coming to love you more and more. You have become such an incredible little girl. You are so caring, kind, thoughtful- you listen so well and are so so helpful all the time. I absolutely love your giggle and cannot help but laughing myself when you loose yourself in giggles like when I'm air tickling you. I love your freedom and joy- watching you dance around the room, sing your heart out, play and use your imagination. Hold onto that. Your silliness is so so special and I hope you can continue to be the wacky kid you are as you grow up and start noticing what people think more. You are such a unique, wonderful, out of this world person and I hope you never ever forget that. You are full of life and love that radiates from you every moment.
Sometimes being a girl and becoming a woman can be hard. I hope that when it gets confusing you know you have so many people to support you. Your mom has been a huge support for me since I was a little girl and is the best to talk to when life seems too hard. She just gets it.. And will be so honest with you even while trying to protect you. The relationship you have with her is so special and will continue to be. Lean on her- let her in- laugh with her. Let her be your mom and your best friend for the rest of your life- you got so so lucky to have her. Know I am here too always always. And will talk to you about anything without making you feel embarrassed. There is so much to make sense of and sometimes you need a few different people to help you do that. I can't wait til you are ready to come visit me on your own- my time with your mom was my very favorite- I hope I can be that for you.
I hope as you grow up you always know how beautiful you are too. You need to know you are a dazzling incredible little girl and will be as a young woman too. And you are SO much more than simply beautiful. Your mom is so good at teaching you this. You are all of the things you are inside- smart, fun, loving, creative, joyful, respectful, strong- so so many things. I hope you always know how special and important your body is. It is the most incredible home that you will have forever. It will change and you won't always think it is perfect and there will be moments that your body limits you. But that is the incredible truth of being human. Take care of it, celebrate it- know that your mind, your heart and your body are all one that make the one and only incredible and unique Kamryn Rae Hartzell. Your body will let you explore, grow, dance, hug, sing, jump, flip, ski, and so many more things. Take good care of that body- shower it with love and know that even when it is changing and you aren't having your best day it is your incredibly amazing home that allows you to be in this world.
Sometimes we can get in a habit of doing whatever we can to make everyone else happy. Especially when we are as caring as you are. But know that you have to make YOU happy- and sometimes that means making other people unhappy. You will get better at knowing what you need but remember that you have the right to need things- from yourself and from other people and only you can tell the world what it is you need. Sometimes we get in the habit of apologizing anytime we need something or for all sorts of silly things. Apologies are so important- and I hope you know how to apologize and be apologized too. But only when it's necessary. If you apology for things that do not warrant an apology it looses its meaning. You are doing so much right... Don't belittle that. Own who you are. What you want and how you live in this world.
I hope you always hold onto your voice. You are so so smart and full of amazing thoughts, ideas, dreams and love to give to this world. Make sure you let the world hear all that you have in that heart and brain. Dont let louder voices make yours quieter- keep standing up and telling the world what you think. Your opinion is SO important and I hope you never forget that. At the same time it is so important to listen, and if you listen closely you will be better able to use your voice too.
I loved meeting your friends this summer and hearing your stories with them. You are such a good friend, so kind and caring and able to see the best in people. Keep celebrating your friends and building each other up. Let them take care of you and take care of them. Laugh as much as you can. And know that your friends are so so very important.
There is so much more I want to tell you. And I know you will find it on your own. And I will keep sharing things with you as you get older. I hope you keep asking questions and know that anything and everything is safe with me. I love you so so so very much and am so proud of you. I can't wait to see who you become and all the amazing things you do. I'm so grateful to be your god mom!!
Love,
Myshell
At the end of the year I feel more in touch with myself as a woman than I ever have before- in so many ways. Owning who I am. Owning the b.s society has fed me and continuing to learn how to be exactly who I am. My mom did wonders in forming me as a woman that I continue to see manifest everyday as I come more fully into myself. She always taught me to express my opinions, she let me run naked in the yard and took me hiking and helped me understand the value of my body as part of me and the location of such joy and fullness of existence. She told me I could be whatever I wanted to be- taught me to be strong and independent and reach for the stars.. And never to submit to some idea of being less than. That said I have my fair share of baggage as we all do- that I will probably be making sense of for the rest of my life- but am so grateful for the consciousness to start and a community that is with me in it.
This past month seeing Mindy as a mom, being with seven year old Kamryn and Linden and Leighton in their first month as women on this earth I have thought a lot about what it means to become a woman- especially in the early stages. I have admired so much of what Mindy is teaching Kamryn (and has taught me over the years) and dreamed of how I will raise my daughters hoping I get that opportunity someday. I dream a lot of being a mom- I have for as long as remember- and really want to do the very best job at it I possibly can. I'm in no rush though and sometimes worry I'll forget the nuggets of wisdom I'm gaining along the way. So... This is for Kamryn- and for me to pass on someday to my own daughter.
Dearest Kamryn,
Being with you this past month has been the greatest joy. Watching you grow since I first held you in the hospital almost eight years ago has been so much fun- and it seems like I just keep coming to love you more and more. You have become such an incredible little girl. You are so caring, kind, thoughtful- you listen so well and are so so helpful all the time. I absolutely love your giggle and cannot help but laughing myself when you loose yourself in giggles like when I'm air tickling you. I love your freedom and joy- watching you dance around the room, sing your heart out, play and use your imagination. Hold onto that. Your silliness is so so special and I hope you can continue to be the wacky kid you are as you grow up and start noticing what people think more. You are such a unique, wonderful, out of this world person and I hope you never ever forget that. You are full of life and love that radiates from you every moment.
Sometimes being a girl and becoming a woman can be hard. I hope that when it gets confusing you know you have so many people to support you. Your mom has been a huge support for me since I was a little girl and is the best to talk to when life seems too hard. She just gets it.. And will be so honest with you even while trying to protect you. The relationship you have with her is so special and will continue to be. Lean on her- let her in- laugh with her. Let her be your mom and your best friend for the rest of your life- you got so so lucky to have her. Know I am here too always always. And will talk to you about anything without making you feel embarrassed. There is so much to make sense of and sometimes you need a few different people to help you do that. I can't wait til you are ready to come visit me on your own- my time with your mom was my very favorite- I hope I can be that for you.
I hope as you grow up you always know how beautiful you are too. You need to know you are a dazzling incredible little girl and will be as a young woman too. And you are SO much more than simply beautiful. Your mom is so good at teaching you this. You are all of the things you are inside- smart, fun, loving, creative, joyful, respectful, strong- so so many things. I hope you always know how special and important your body is. It is the most incredible home that you will have forever. It will change and you won't always think it is perfect and there will be moments that your body limits you. But that is the incredible truth of being human. Take care of it, celebrate it- know that your mind, your heart and your body are all one that make the one and only incredible and unique Kamryn Rae Hartzell. Your body will let you explore, grow, dance, hug, sing, jump, flip, ski, and so many more things. Take good care of that body- shower it with love and know that even when it is changing and you aren't having your best day it is your incredibly amazing home that allows you to be in this world.
Sometimes we can get in a habit of doing whatever we can to make everyone else happy. Especially when we are as caring as you are. But know that you have to make YOU happy- and sometimes that means making other people unhappy. You will get better at knowing what you need but remember that you have the right to need things- from yourself and from other people and only you can tell the world what it is you need. Sometimes we get in the habit of apologizing anytime we need something or for all sorts of silly things. Apologies are so important- and I hope you know how to apologize and be apologized too. But only when it's necessary. If you apology for things that do not warrant an apology it looses its meaning. You are doing so much right... Don't belittle that. Own who you are. What you want and how you live in this world.
I hope you always hold onto your voice. You are so so smart and full of amazing thoughts, ideas, dreams and love to give to this world. Make sure you let the world hear all that you have in that heart and brain. Dont let louder voices make yours quieter- keep standing up and telling the world what you think. Your opinion is SO important and I hope you never forget that. At the same time it is so important to listen, and if you listen closely you will be better able to use your voice too.
I loved meeting your friends this summer and hearing your stories with them. You are such a good friend, so kind and caring and able to see the best in people. Keep celebrating your friends and building each other up. Let them take care of you and take care of them. Laugh as much as you can. And know that your friends are so so very important.
There is so much more I want to tell you. And I know you will find it on your own. And I will keep sharing things with you as you get older. I hope you keep asking questions and know that anything and everything is safe with me. I love you so so so very much and am so proud of you. I can't wait to see who you become and all the amazing things you do. I'm so grateful to be your god mom!!
Love,
Myshell
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Fear, Oppression, Resiliency, Hope... The Human Condition
I'm writing from a bath tub... The self care that is happening this month is fantastic...
Last week we went to the Apartheid museum in Johannesburg. That was one of the things I was really hoping to do and a friend of Mindy's was so kind to take me. It was incredible and heart breaking and inspiring and had my brain doing cartwheels- just how I like it. Since I've been here I have observed some obvious left overs of Apartheid. All the workers are still black. On the highway you see cramped townships of tiny tin homes, women carrying whole lives on their backs and smiling kids playing soccer in the dirt fields. Contrast that with the clean, gated, swimming pool filled estates where all the white people live.
I've seen movies and read books about Apartheid and Mandela in the past- and they flash through my memory here and there but mostly I've been a quiet observer. Enjoying the luxuries of the gated estate without letting my brain run too fast. In all the transitioning between El Salvador and the states I've gotten better at swallowing extreme inequality- which is both good and bad. But last week in the museum I got a little bit more in depth understanding of this country I've been in for the past three weeks- and I am so so grateful for that.
We started with the special Mandela exhibit. The timeline of his life from a young boy given an English name in school to sound more "proper" to a rebel rouser with the African National Party becoming conscious and highly opposed to Apartheid South Africa. He and everyone who's skin was his color were understood to be and treated as completely inferior to the Europeans who came to South Africa following the discovery of gold. Segregation didn't work well enough to keep the two races separate and keep the non- European natives from sharing basic human rights with their European counter parts. So Apartheid was put into play. For 27 years from prison Mandela kept his spirits up, wrote letters to his family every six months that had a minuscule chance of arriving and won over the hearts and minds of fellow prisoners and guards alike. His charisma, commitment to life and justice, ability to keep hoping and memories of sounds, tastes, smells, and his family kept him in the struggle all those years. He said he'd be the president of South Africa one day and after finally being released he fulfilled his dream. Working to rebuild an extremely broken nation, facilitate reconciliation and bring equality to his people.
As I read about his journey I thought of so many other amazing people I've been lucky to encounter both in stories and books and in friends I'm inspired by everyday. Romero, MLK, Dorothy Day, the Jesuits in El Salvador, and so many others are the people who keep us going when the suffering seems to pervasive to overcome. And amazing people in my life who are dedicated to justice every single day- who are charismatic and courageous, incredibly intelligent and committed to life and love. Mandela is one of a kind yet there are so many in our world of his caliber- women and men who continue the fight against oppression, isms, suffering and inequality that unfortunately is still every where we look. Above pictures of Mandela with supportive family and friends Aristotle was quoted "Good moral character is not something we can achieve on our own. We need a culture that supports the conditions under which self-love and friendship flourish" Mandela didn't stay hopeful and committed to get where he did on his own, he was supported by so many people. That is the truth of all of the amazing people who have started a path that we are continuing and is so important for me to remember everyday as I try to do something that matters with my life.
After the special Mandela exhibit we moved to the main permanent part of the museum- the history of Apartheid in South Africa- a grueling history of how much suffering we are capable of causing each other. It was helpful for the heart to see the Mandela exhibit first- and come in with some hope and overcoming as a back drop to the injustice that Apartheid South Africa was. Not so different from the history of slavery, Jim Crow and deep racism that still exists today it started years and years ago with the idea that native "non europeans" were inferior and thus had to be kept separate from Europeans as to not demoralize the superior class. The steps taken to separate the races with claims to protecting and taking care of the poor Europeans are outrageous. Apartheid began in 1948 and the list of laws that were created to bar integration were listed on the wall- education, facilities, work, housing, relationships- a law was created regarding every facet of life to make sure mixing did not happen. Entire neighborhoods were forcibly removed so that the Europeans could develop these areas and if natives broke the apartheid laws they were banished to isolated camps and tortured. The "non European" schools, medical care, housing, everything was incredibly low quality. Children were forced to learn in a language they didn't speak to keep them from moving up in the world. Teachers were forced to teach only certain things. Families couldn't get medical care. The blacks were incredibly poor and oppressed while white society flourished. Blacks were allowed into the city only on work permits to fill roles as servants, gardeners, guards to white people- roles they still fill today. The suffering and injustice experienced is devastating and completely heart wrenching. And amazingly it isn't the end of the story. Despite every effort by whites to continue the dehumanization and horrible treatment the forces of human resiliency came together to organize and bring light to the suffering that they were experiencing for so many years. Students held strikes against learning in a different language and the masses began to take collective action against the laws. The white government responded with greater violence and attempts to stifle the voices calling for justice. Unfortunately.. It is a story we know- it has happened all around the world and keeps happening.
Last week we went to the Apartheid museum in Johannesburg. That was one of the things I was really hoping to do and a friend of Mindy's was so kind to take me. It was incredible and heart breaking and inspiring and had my brain doing cartwheels- just how I like it. Since I've been here I have observed some obvious left overs of Apartheid. All the workers are still black. On the highway you see cramped townships of tiny tin homes, women carrying whole lives on their backs and smiling kids playing soccer in the dirt fields. Contrast that with the clean, gated, swimming pool filled estates where all the white people live.
I've seen movies and read books about Apartheid and Mandela in the past- and they flash through my memory here and there but mostly I've been a quiet observer. Enjoying the luxuries of the gated estate without letting my brain run too fast. In all the transitioning between El Salvador and the states I've gotten better at swallowing extreme inequality- which is both good and bad. But last week in the museum I got a little bit more in depth understanding of this country I've been in for the past three weeks- and I am so so grateful for that.
We started with the special Mandela exhibit. The timeline of his life from a young boy given an English name in school to sound more "proper" to a rebel rouser with the African National Party becoming conscious and highly opposed to Apartheid South Africa. He and everyone who's skin was his color were understood to be and treated as completely inferior to the Europeans who came to South Africa following the discovery of gold. Segregation didn't work well enough to keep the two races separate and keep the non- European natives from sharing basic human rights with their European counter parts. So Apartheid was put into play. For 27 years from prison Mandela kept his spirits up, wrote letters to his family every six months that had a minuscule chance of arriving and won over the hearts and minds of fellow prisoners and guards alike. His charisma, commitment to life and justice, ability to keep hoping and memories of sounds, tastes, smells, and his family kept him in the struggle all those years. He said he'd be the president of South Africa one day and after finally being released he fulfilled his dream. Working to rebuild an extremely broken nation, facilitate reconciliation and bring equality to his people.
As I read about his journey I thought of so many other amazing people I've been lucky to encounter both in stories and books and in friends I'm inspired by everyday. Romero, MLK, Dorothy Day, the Jesuits in El Salvador, and so many others are the people who keep us going when the suffering seems to pervasive to overcome. And amazing people in my life who are dedicated to justice every single day- who are charismatic and courageous, incredibly intelligent and committed to life and love. Mandela is one of a kind yet there are so many in our world of his caliber- women and men who continue the fight against oppression, isms, suffering and inequality that unfortunately is still every where we look. Above pictures of Mandela with supportive family and friends Aristotle was quoted "Good moral character is not something we can achieve on our own. We need a culture that supports the conditions under which self-love and friendship flourish" Mandela didn't stay hopeful and committed to get where he did on his own, he was supported by so many people. That is the truth of all of the amazing people who have started a path that we are continuing and is so important for me to remember everyday as I try to do something that matters with my life.
After the special Mandela exhibit we moved to the main permanent part of the museum- the history of Apartheid in South Africa- a grueling history of how much suffering we are capable of causing each other. It was helpful for the heart to see the Mandela exhibit first- and come in with some hope and overcoming as a back drop to the injustice that Apartheid South Africa was. Not so different from the history of slavery, Jim Crow and deep racism that still exists today it started years and years ago with the idea that native "non europeans" were inferior and thus had to be kept separate from Europeans as to not demoralize the superior class. The steps taken to separate the races with claims to protecting and taking care of the poor Europeans are outrageous. Apartheid began in 1948 and the list of laws that were created to bar integration were listed on the wall- education, facilities, work, housing, relationships- a law was created regarding every facet of life to make sure mixing did not happen. Entire neighborhoods were forcibly removed so that the Europeans could develop these areas and if natives broke the apartheid laws they were banished to isolated camps and tortured. The "non European" schools, medical care, housing, everything was incredibly low quality. Children were forced to learn in a language they didn't speak to keep them from moving up in the world. Teachers were forced to teach only certain things. Families couldn't get medical care. The blacks were incredibly poor and oppressed while white society flourished. Blacks were allowed into the city only on work permits to fill roles as servants, gardeners, guards to white people- roles they still fill today. The suffering and injustice experienced is devastating and completely heart wrenching. And amazingly it isn't the end of the story. Despite every effort by whites to continue the dehumanization and horrible treatment the forces of human resiliency came together to organize and bring light to the suffering that they were experiencing for so many years. Students held strikes against learning in a different language and the masses began to take collective action against the laws. The white government responded with greater violence and attempts to stifle the voices calling for justice. Unfortunately.. It is a story we know- it has happened all around the world and keeps happening.
I kept thinking about the way immigrants are treated in the U.S, our own history of slavery and institutionalized racism that still plagues our country. The Salvadoran Civil War, Syria.. This horrible constant of people being threatened by those who are different, afraid of loosing their power and wealth that manifests into such extreme oppression. It is everywhere- it always has been. What is it about the human condition that allows us to commit such atrocities against one another? And are we ever going to truly overcome it?
In a lot of ways the story of Apartheid is one of resilience and hope. Democratic elections finally happened, Mandela became president and worked hard to rebuild, create truth and reconciliation committees, nation building projects- everything he could to heal this extremely broken country. And today things are better, black people have more of a chance than they used to, segregation is no longer built into the system. But I still see the effects of it everywhere, the country is still incredibly segregated- the left overs are so obvious and it's going to take a lot of work to truly have equality in this country, our own, everywhere in this broken world.
Mandela's inspiration stuck with me while reading about the incredible suffering. His and so many other stories of people fighting against injustice that have started something for us to keep working for. And although at times I struggle to find hope I was comforted by all the faces of people I know that came to mind as I read about Mandela who help me believe that we will keep making progress. People who are so courageous and committed that will make real change. It helps to connect stories of both suffering and resilience that are happening across the globe- get out of our context and understand another's. While realizing that segregation, inequality, fear and oppression continue to effect people everywhere makes me sick to my stomach- it also fuels my fire knowing that in my community and all over the world there are people who are fighting against suffering having the last word.
I'm so grateful to learn a little about this country's history, for the eyes through which I have come to see the world and for all the people near and far that are asking the same questions and working to bring a glimpse of justice to their corner of the world. This country is fascinating and confusing even from the small, privileged, separate glimpse I am getting and the museum gave me a little more to chew on as I finish my time here and head home to continue learning and processing.
Mandela's inspiration stuck with me while reading about the incredible suffering. His and so many other stories of people fighting against injustice that have started something for us to keep working for. And although at times I struggle to find hope I was comforted by all the faces of people I know that came to mind as I read about Mandela who help me believe that we will keep making progress. People who are so courageous and committed that will make real change. It helps to connect stories of both suffering and resilience that are happening across the globe- get out of our context and understand another's. While realizing that segregation, inequality, fear and oppression continue to effect people everywhere makes me sick to my stomach- it also fuels my fire knowing that in my community and all over the world there are people who are fighting against suffering having the last word.
I'm so grateful to learn a little about this country's history, for the eyes through which I have come to see the world and for all the people near and far that are asking the same questions and working to bring a glimpse of justice to their corner of the world. This country is fascinating and confusing even from the small, privileged, separate glimpse I am getting and the museum gave me a little more to chew on as I finish my time here and head home to continue learning and processing.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Arriving
Creativity, writing, flow... its not coming naturally to me lately. It's frustrating and I'm not sure why- maybe because my brain was in academic mode all year, maybe because something about life isn't triggering my creative juices, maybe I'm not giving it enough time, maybe my doubt and inner critic are getting the best of me- whatever it is I would like to move past it. Theres so much to write about- but words don't seem to land on the page in a way I like at all lately. Last night after deleting and restarting many a drafts I gave up.. went to bed, couldn't sleep, wrote in my journal where the inner critic doesn't matter and then came across this Mary Oliver poem for the first time in a book I've had for years. It resonates a lot.
A River Far Away and Long Ago
The river
of my childhood
that tumbled
down a passage of rocks
and cut- work ferns,
came here and there
to the swirl
and slowdown
of a pool
and I saw myself-
oh, clearly-
as I knelt at one-
then I saw myself
as if carried away,
as the river moved on.
Where have I gone?
Since then
I have looked and looked
for myself,
not sure
who I am, or where,
or, more importantly, why.
It's okay- I've had a wonderful life.
Still, I ponder
where that other is-
where I landed,
what I thought, what I did
what small or even maybe meaningful deeds
I might have accomplished
somewhere
among strangers
coming to them
as only a river can-
touching every life it meets-
that endlessly kind, that enduring.
A week ago I landed in South Africa. After writing papers, finishing finals, packing, soaking up a week of a summer and a few short goodbyes- I flew 20 hours across the ocean to land in a new country, with a family that feels like home. Mindy and Jeremy invited me to come help them with their new twins and Kamryn for a month and I happily accepted. The first few days were a fumble of jet lag and transition from the chaotic constant running pace of life to very slow days at home snuggling babies. It was hard to get my body and brain and heart to slow down...but now I feel like I have arrived, fully here- embracing all the beauty of this time filled with gratitude.
A few days ago I went horse back riding for the first time since high school. The last time I rode a horse I was on crutches, healing from just tearing my ACL and absolutely terrified. Fast forward a few years to the campo in El Salvador when I was trying to make friends with my family's horse and got a swift kick to the thigh.. and a good bruise to keep us laughing the whole week. When I was young I rode horses fairly often but my most recent memories were not particularly good ones. Then sometime this year I remembered going to horse therapy as a little girl after my parents got divorced- they are vague but very positive memories. So when a friend of Mindy's asked if I wanted to ride horses with her I said yes, excited for a chance to get out of the house and to reclaim my relationship with horses.
It was absolutely fantastic and reminded me how amazing my mom is- what an incredible thing to do for a young girl in a confusing time of life. Building a relationship with a horse, learning to take care of it, trust it and get comfortable riding it is full of healing power and life lessons. Yesterday riding beautiful, gentle, white "Snoop Dog" I was connected to those healing powers. Trusting that Snoop Dog (that name really doesn't do justice for how sweet this horse was) was strong, sturdy and capable- trusting myself to find a rhythm with him, relaxing and being present in the moment. 7 years ago (WOAH) as a junior in high school I couldn't do that. I was so far from being able to trust myself, be present, trust a big animal with my life.. I have done a lot of healing and growing since then. And maybe come back to some of those lessons I was learning as a little girl.. that are deep down somewhere- and so cool to be able to connect with in this time.
Then I came home and snuggled with the babies the rest of the afternoon. Sitting with Mindy in the rhythm of sleep, feed, change, repeat. We don't often have a reason to get out of our pajamas. Watch a lot of episodes of CSI, Bar Rescue.. whatever might be entertaining, read some, sleep some- its slow moving around here, the reality of two new born babies. Then when Kamryn gets home my role switches and its running to the park, playing catch and practicing Spanish, painting rocks and watching kids movies til bed time at 8. Then I read, talk to people at home, sometimes do a little yoga in my room until I go to bed not much later. At first I was a little restless but being here with the sole purpose of loving on this family who I love so very much and who has loved and cared for me SO well is a huge gift. I am reminded of how very important it is to just be with the people we love. How healing, nurturing, and balancing it is be with these babies, with Kamryn and with Mindy in the midst of three years of craziness in school. Mindy has been there since forever, through all of the ups and downs and was so important to me turning out ok in this life. And it feels pretty special to be here with them letting all her love and time manifest in how much I love her babies.
Thursday was also Eric's 24th Anniversary- my mom hates that word. Anniversaries are harder than birth days- or something- we didn't talk about it much yesterday- just a couple texts with Jes and mom that we were thinking of each other. But as I rode that horse, and snuggled with the babies, and laughed with Mindy and Kam- it felt like a little bit of all the pieces of me coming together. This past year has been a big year of looking for myself. I could have made a really different choice than going to grad school for theology and social work- and sometimes I wonder where the person who kept flowing with the river would have ended up. First semester I was so unsure about my decision, there are so many places I could be, things I could be doing- that it can be hard to be present to all the good that is right in front of me. I wonder what it would be like if Eric was here. If I was in El Salvador still, if, if, if- but like the poem says- its okay I've had a wonderful life. Grad school has a way of making us feel so important, so much responsibility, so deeply entrenched in all these big questions about suffering and equality and justice.. and I am SO glad to be asking those questions. But sometimes its ok to just be- to take a month to snuggle babies, to love people, to be with myself and the pieces of me that have been so many places, could have gone so many places- but are all one- here in South Africa, finished with one year of grad school, thinking and dreaming about the things I do- and so connected to all the different ponds that my life has stopped at.
I also saw a zebra, some koodoos, spring box and impalas in the middle of the day- so that was exciting too ;)
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Happy Birthday Dear Eric
Thirty years ago a little boy was brought into this world. I wonder what it was like in that room? I am sure it was full of joy, his screams filling their hearts, the excitement of baby number two, a little brother, another life. The hope of a whole life to come, full of growing and becoming and being a human in this world. Full of expectations, gratitude, joy and overwhelming emotions.
When I talked to my mom today she said "30 just really gets me, for some reason that number is a hard one." I think its because of all the things we imagine he would have done in thirty years on this earth. Maybe he'd be married, maybe not, maybe he'd have babies, maybe he'd be in school or traveling the world or climbing mountains. Maybe he'd live close to home, maybe he'd live close to me.
What they didn't know in that room, and what hurts so deeply still to this day, is that he didn't get to live the hope of the long life a parent expects for their new baby. All those maybes bring tears to my eyes and reverberate deep within my heart when I imagine what it would have been like to know him, to have him as a big brother for all these years. Maybe I'll always wonder what the dynamic between us would be like, what it would be like to be together as the three of us. Letting go of that wonder is something I don't think any of us will ever be able to do- or at least not me. Because that wonder is all I have- I don't have memories, or glimpses of who he was that I saw myself to imagine where his life might have gone. Its all a game of my imagination. And it hurts.
I asked my mom what she was going to do today- she wasn't sure. Sometimes she prefers to work on these days, sometimes she'd rather not- but I wish there was some ritual. I wish she had a community of people still holding her. Or something she did for herself that let her be with him and the hurt of loosing a child that just never subsides. I always post something about him, and as I was doing that this morning I wondered why. I want to remember him, I want the whole world to remember him, I want his presence, and the lack of it to keep mattering. Because it matters so much to us. It matters so much to me. And people's comments and responses have been so wonderful for me to read- I want to keep hearing stories of Eric forever, and I feel all the love he shared, all the love people had through him in those sweet responses.
As much as it hurts to wonder what it would be like if he was here. He has given me so much, his presence has always been known and even though we only shared a short 4 months on this earth, I wouldn't be me without his act in my story. Jesse has loved me so deeply, so well, taken such good care of me and again and again taught me the importance of family. Loosing Eric so young taught him how fragile this life is, and he taught me that. He taught me to say I love you on the phone from across the world, not hanging up til I told him I loved him too. He told me stories about Eric. He is the best big brother a girl could ask for and so much of that is rooted in what he learned from Eric.
I always believed so deeply he was somewhere watching out for us- and I still believe that. This life has been full of ups and downs, and we have survived a lot- and I think Eric has been so important to that. He was my first exposure to some other world- I believe in heaven and even in God because I believe in Eric. I want to be embodied in heaven so I can hug him and frolic with him, and talk about all the life I know he is witnessing. I feel him in the trees, see him in the sun and am reminded of his grace in rainbows. They tell me stories of his wisdom, his joy, his calmness through so much. He was an old soul and I am so grateful for the wisdom his soul, his life, his love that I know is present has given me. Eric taught me about strength and resiliency, through my parents who felt the deepest hurt- and still do, and about honesty and loss- in the ways we have always talked about him, he has always been a part of us and who we are.
So today, and always, thank you Eric for all you left here. You are a symbol of so much to me. And on my mind so often. Thank you Mom, Dad and Jesse for helping me to know Eric even when I only had 4 months with him. And thank you everyone who knew him for sharing him with me, for keeping him alive, and for your sweet- so very meaningful comments on his photo and so many other times that make me feel connected to him. We miss you Eric, and we love you with all our hearts.
When I talked to my mom today she said "30 just really gets me, for some reason that number is a hard one." I think its because of all the things we imagine he would have done in thirty years on this earth. Maybe he'd be married, maybe not, maybe he'd have babies, maybe he'd be in school or traveling the world or climbing mountains. Maybe he'd live close to home, maybe he'd live close to me.
What they didn't know in that room, and what hurts so deeply still to this day, is that he didn't get to live the hope of the long life a parent expects for their new baby. All those maybes bring tears to my eyes and reverberate deep within my heart when I imagine what it would have been like to know him, to have him as a big brother for all these years. Maybe I'll always wonder what the dynamic between us would be like, what it would be like to be together as the three of us. Letting go of that wonder is something I don't think any of us will ever be able to do- or at least not me. Because that wonder is all I have- I don't have memories, or glimpses of who he was that I saw myself to imagine where his life might have gone. Its all a game of my imagination. And it hurts.
I asked my mom what she was going to do today- she wasn't sure. Sometimes she prefers to work on these days, sometimes she'd rather not- but I wish there was some ritual. I wish she had a community of people still holding her. Or something she did for herself that let her be with him and the hurt of loosing a child that just never subsides. I always post something about him, and as I was doing that this morning I wondered why. I want to remember him, I want the whole world to remember him, I want his presence, and the lack of it to keep mattering. Because it matters so much to us. It matters so much to me. And people's comments and responses have been so wonderful for me to read- I want to keep hearing stories of Eric forever, and I feel all the love he shared, all the love people had through him in those sweet responses.
As much as it hurts to wonder what it would be like if he was here. He has given me so much, his presence has always been known and even though we only shared a short 4 months on this earth, I wouldn't be me without his act in my story. Jesse has loved me so deeply, so well, taken such good care of me and again and again taught me the importance of family. Loosing Eric so young taught him how fragile this life is, and he taught me that. He taught me to say I love you on the phone from across the world, not hanging up til I told him I loved him too. He told me stories about Eric. He is the best big brother a girl could ask for and so much of that is rooted in what he learned from Eric.
I always believed so deeply he was somewhere watching out for us- and I still believe that. This life has been full of ups and downs, and we have survived a lot- and I think Eric has been so important to that. He was my first exposure to some other world- I believe in heaven and even in God because I believe in Eric. I want to be embodied in heaven so I can hug him and frolic with him, and talk about all the life I know he is witnessing. I feel him in the trees, see him in the sun and am reminded of his grace in rainbows. They tell me stories of his wisdom, his joy, his calmness through so much. He was an old soul and I am so grateful for the wisdom his soul, his life, his love that I know is present has given me. Eric taught me about strength and resiliency, through my parents who felt the deepest hurt- and still do, and about honesty and loss- in the ways we have always talked about him, he has always been a part of us and who we are.
So today, and always, thank you Eric for all you left here. You are a symbol of so much to me. And on my mind so often. Thank you Mom, Dad and Jesse for helping me to know Eric even when I only had 4 months with him. And thank you everyone who knew him for sharing him with me, for keeping him alive, and for your sweet- so very meaningful comments on his photo and so many other times that make me feel connected to him. We miss you Eric, and we love you with all our hearts.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
To The Best of Friends: For Reminding Me Who I Am
It's 1:32am and I am working an overnight shift at CWU- the place I wrote about in my last blog. I had big plans to get lots of work done tonight- but I'm too tired to make my brain work. I've been meaning to blog and this week was so full- there wasn't a second for it, and even when there was I got caught up trying to figure out what exactly to write about. But maybe my sleepy brain will just let me write.. and not think. Bare with me- I'm half here.
I just read some silly Buzz Feed thing called "21 things you only know if you've been best friends for 10 years" and I shamelessly posted it on Elyse's wall- we have been blowing up social media with our excessive best friend love since we got to spend the most wonderful long weekend together in Austin. Elyse came into this world a little less than a year before me, my mama was in the room with her mama, then we went to daycare together and fought over my little ponies, we ski raced, swam in the lake, jumped on the trampoline, lived in each others houses and shared all things life and then when she moved away we became incredible at having a long distance friendship. We haven't lived in the same town since we were in 1st/2nd grade- that is SO many years ago. But she has been on the other end of the phone for every joy, hurt, fear, love, decision and question. We have met in the middle, driven hours to each other, taken planes and found ways to hold on tight to what we were so lucky to build when we were too young to know it was building. And Spring Break together was the best. Last year in El Salvador we decided with the way life is changing we need to take a trip somewhere together at least once a year- its too hard to get enough time when I'm home and we know how much we value our time. This trip to Austin to be with Dave was the first of those trips- and it couldn't have reaffirmed more what a great idea it is, how strong our friendship is and how lucky we are to have had each other forever and to know we will have each other forever.
There is not a moment in my life or a part of my heart that Elyse doesn't know and this trip we really got to bring all the pieces together- catch each other up on what has been happening in our worlds that sometimes seem far away. She helped me make sense of it all- and how it connects to my core. I have had so many conversations lately with friends about this whole "twentysomething stage". A time that feels big and important and exciting and scary and full of questions. When we were little I think we imagined ourselves at this stage in life with it all figured out- and so many of us agree that we are maybe more aware than ever of how much we don't have figured out. Mostly because for the first time the world is ours to make decisions about- no more somewhat planned out trajectory, no more permanent town, school, class, major, etc to define ourselves by- just us and the open road, deciding whats important.
Being with Elyse reminded me of who I am. We talked about everything under the sun. We laughed until we cried all weekend. We reminisced on the past- missing some things and grateful that others are in the past, we dreamed of the future and we felt such comfort in knowing that through it all we have each other- what a huge gift.
That was the theme of my Spring Break.. being with such amazing friends who know the deepest parts of me and are so very easy to be with. Elyse and I got to stay with Dave and see his world- laugh and play and bask in the comfort of being with friends you've known for too many years to count. Before that I was in Philly with 5 of my Casa sisters and it felt like no time had passed. I was like a kid in a candy shop the whole week- so overly joyful and content in every simple moment. Sitting on the porch eating breakfast in the sun, late night chats, roaming the streets of Philly and Austin, playing games, catching up over drinks and just feeling SO VERY RELAXED. I think a lot of that was because it felt so different than the every day here- which is so many good things, but is challenging and still new and stressful. I needed a break. I needed to be with people who know me really well and can help remind me when I feel a little confused. Spaces to just talk about all things life for hours- instead of 5 minute conversations before running to class. It was really the perfect Spring Break and as always exactly what I didn't know what I needed.
I came back feeling full, in touch, integrated and so very grateful for my friends, the space to reflect and process, the laughter, the relaxation. The beginning of this semester felt a little rocky- rocky in making sense of who I am especially in light of these degrees, communities and huge questions. I remember who I am again- and am reminded how important it is to continue to invest in new friendships and let them blossom knowing they all have the potential to become spaces that remind of whats important. I'm so lucky to have people in my life that know me so well- and who I don't ever have to explain things to because they were there the whole time- but I also know that its worth sharing my story and my heart with new people- because that's how the people closest to me have gotten so close.
I feel a brewing inside of continued integration and formation, investing in people here, opening myself to what sometimes feels scary or just a little less than comfortable. That's where good things come from. The first week back was jarring- we work hard and move fast here. But we are so privileged to be using our brains, surrounded by such caring, intelligent people and challenged every single day to make a little more sense of the world.
I hope to find some more balance so that Spring Break and every day life don't have to feel like complete opposites. And til then I'm grateful for the jet pack of energy and love I got from a week off.
I just read some silly Buzz Feed thing called "21 things you only know if you've been best friends for 10 years" and I shamelessly posted it on Elyse's wall- we have been blowing up social media with our excessive best friend love since we got to spend the most wonderful long weekend together in Austin. Elyse came into this world a little less than a year before me, my mama was in the room with her mama, then we went to daycare together and fought over my little ponies, we ski raced, swam in the lake, jumped on the trampoline, lived in each others houses and shared all things life and then when she moved away we became incredible at having a long distance friendship. We haven't lived in the same town since we were in 1st/2nd grade- that is SO many years ago. But she has been on the other end of the phone for every joy, hurt, fear, love, decision and question. We have met in the middle, driven hours to each other, taken planes and found ways to hold on tight to what we were so lucky to build when we were too young to know it was building. And Spring Break together was the best. Last year in El Salvador we decided with the way life is changing we need to take a trip somewhere together at least once a year- its too hard to get enough time when I'm home and we know how much we value our time. This trip to Austin to be with Dave was the first of those trips- and it couldn't have reaffirmed more what a great idea it is, how strong our friendship is and how lucky we are to have had each other forever and to know we will have each other forever.
There is not a moment in my life or a part of my heart that Elyse doesn't know and this trip we really got to bring all the pieces together- catch each other up on what has been happening in our worlds that sometimes seem far away. She helped me make sense of it all- and how it connects to my core. I have had so many conversations lately with friends about this whole "twentysomething stage". A time that feels big and important and exciting and scary and full of questions. When we were little I think we imagined ourselves at this stage in life with it all figured out- and so many of us agree that we are maybe more aware than ever of how much we don't have figured out. Mostly because for the first time the world is ours to make decisions about- no more somewhat planned out trajectory, no more permanent town, school, class, major, etc to define ourselves by- just us and the open road, deciding whats important.
Being with Elyse reminded me of who I am. We talked about everything under the sun. We laughed until we cried all weekend. We reminisced on the past- missing some things and grateful that others are in the past, we dreamed of the future and we felt such comfort in knowing that through it all we have each other- what a huge gift.
That was the theme of my Spring Break.. being with such amazing friends who know the deepest parts of me and are so very easy to be with. Elyse and I got to stay with Dave and see his world- laugh and play and bask in the comfort of being with friends you've known for too many years to count. Before that I was in Philly with 5 of my Casa sisters and it felt like no time had passed. I was like a kid in a candy shop the whole week- so overly joyful and content in every simple moment. Sitting on the porch eating breakfast in the sun, late night chats, roaming the streets of Philly and Austin, playing games, catching up over drinks and just feeling SO VERY RELAXED. I think a lot of that was because it felt so different than the every day here- which is so many good things, but is challenging and still new and stressful. I needed a break. I needed to be with people who know me really well and can help remind me when I feel a little confused. Spaces to just talk about all things life for hours- instead of 5 minute conversations before running to class. It was really the perfect Spring Break and as always exactly what I didn't know what I needed.
I came back feeling full, in touch, integrated and so very grateful for my friends, the space to reflect and process, the laughter, the relaxation. The beginning of this semester felt a little rocky- rocky in making sense of who I am especially in light of these degrees, communities and huge questions. I remember who I am again- and am reminded how important it is to continue to invest in new friendships and let them blossom knowing they all have the potential to become spaces that remind of whats important. I'm so lucky to have people in my life that know me so well- and who I don't ever have to explain things to because they were there the whole time- but I also know that its worth sharing my story and my heart with new people- because that's how the people closest to me have gotten so close.
I feel a brewing inside of continued integration and formation, investing in people here, opening myself to what sometimes feels scary or just a little less than comfortable. That's where good things come from. The first week back was jarring- we work hard and move fast here. But we are so privileged to be using our brains, surrounded by such caring, intelligent people and challenged every single day to make a little more sense of the world.
I hope to find some more balance so that Spring Break and every day life don't have to feel like complete opposites. And til then I'm grateful for the jet pack of energy and love I got from a week off.
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