boxes of life, love and loss

Im not sure where to start.


My eyes hurt from crying. But my heart is full. Of love and memories and life and remembering and feeling.  Ive been going through all of our boxes of pictures. And have made some serious progress.  Always there are things that ping my heart. Pictures of our family as a whole.  Pictures of me and Eric.  Jesse and Eric.  Letters and cards from people sending their thoughts and prayers.  Those boxes are full of life, loss and love.  And going through them is so fulfilling to me cause so much of that life and loss I didnt feel like they did.  And everytime I go through it I feel it a little more, I experience a little more, learn a little more.  First I found an autograph book from Disneyland. Signed by all sorts of characters.. and then mom and dad "To me amor, love mom" "To my most beautiful daughter, love dad". Thats when the first tears came.  When I was their world.  When love was shown all the time. I was their pride and joy.  Life kinda got in the way of that. 


Then came the journal.  The journal I have looked at so many times and balled my eyes out everytime.  It starts when Jesse is born, mom talking about the joy of being pregnant, about wanting 2 or 3 kids, about loving my dad so much, about all these things that are now so far away. She skips years and years in between. To Eric's birth. To Eric's first diagnosis, to his relapses, and random things here and there in between.  In the beginning of May 91 she starts to write everyday, after the doctors tell her Eric has very little time left. Sometimes she writes about her feelings, more often she is very to the point, this is what we did. You can tell she is scared and a little bit numb but they are filling their days full.  Then May 28th. She writes, Eric died at noon.  From then on she writes day after day of the experiences the feelings the loss. And I read and I ball, and sob, and cry my heart out. And feel it all through her. I feel for her, I feel for our family, I feel for Eric.  I miss him like she does, I am reminded of all the pain that they and we have all felt. The pain that is so easy to find when I read those things that comes right back to the surface.  But its ok for me to feel it.  I do this every once and a while.  Go through the pictures and books and cards and just feel it.  I think its important for me since I was so young and there is so much I don't understand. I learn through the pictures and stories, again and again as I get older and can understand and feel more. And as much as it hurts I love it. I love to feel it. I love to learn about it. Even with my eyes blurry and sleeves soaked from tears I cant stop reading, I want to know it all, all the feelings. 


Its crazy how that changed us.  How my mom felt it all. And my dad probably did too. But reading her writing makes it so real. And I wish we could all be together and I could hug them and tell them how very much I love them and we could all cry together.  Cause its so much better to feel things together. I miss him. I wish just like she does that we had more life together.  I wish for her that she could have kept him her life. She would be so much more whole.  She lost so much, and I think in some ways she never got it back.  I want to give it all back to her.  What a thing to go through.  I hope someday we can all be together again. I dont know about god or religion or heaven, but I truly hope is up there and that is where we will all end up. And we can be happy and together and love each other.  And it will all come circle.  
I want her to be happy more than anything, to have the full life she dreamt of, to grow and explore and give back.  In the early parts of the journal she wrote of wanting all the things I want now.  Of not wanting to be stuck in Leadville, of exploring and giving and being open to people and the world and finding peace within herself. I hope someday she can do that. 


Its so hard to feel all of that. But I always come out of it knowing that I was given so much from this loss. I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes its hard to understand those reasons, and sometimes maybe things dont turn out as planned, but I have faith in something, that everything will be ok.  Everything in my life is so wonderful. I am so lucky and so in love with life.  I have found my way. And have so much wonderful life left to live and learn from.  Life is not about it being easy, life is about learning and growing and loving.  And I think I can do that.  I hope at some point everyone gets to where I am. In love with life. Excited everyday to grow and learn and explore and to live.


I have so many more thoughts...
dinner w/ Ferne tonight... wonderful
4 nights left at home.. bittersweet
2 days left of work.. awesome
letting go of Leadville forever... not sure Im ready for that
being in Santa Clara.. so ready for that
so much to be excited for, so much to love, and easy to think about the things Im letting go of. Another new chapter. And I know so well that its going to be wonderful and that all of life just flows together. Somehow :)


Goodnight
Dont forget to feel and love and learn!
XOXOXO <3

t minus 10 days

12:03 am. August 29th.
t-minus ten days til road trip to California commences
4 days of work
4 days of visiting CU/CSU 
2 days of family visiting


4+4+2=10... = 0 days for Michelle to pack/say goodbyes/get my life together. WHOA


Tonight i planned out the next ten days and in realizing all the things that were on the to do list by then I realized maybe I should get on it. I worked on my room, packed a little, ordered a cord to transfer things from my old computer and feel a little bit better about the fact that IM RUNNING OUT OF TIME. WHOA!!!!! Im gonna see a lot of people before I go. But it just still always seems like there wont be enough time to see everyone.  Silly. But... I will get it all done, I will say my goodbyes, pack my bags, and be on my way to the land of best friends, adventures, learning, growing and making steps towards real life. And I am so so excited for that.


I filled another bag of give away clothes tonight. My room is dwindling.  Each time I go through it there is a little more space, a little less me, a little less history.  Its weird. Crazy how slowly it will just evaporate as my room. Im not sure if I'd rather that or a blunt move all my stuff out.  I felt the last chapter slipping away more and more. Looked at the shirts we made in high school and wondered how I would ever be able to get rid of those.  Finally threw away shirts from middle school, ski clothes I no longer need since I don't ski 7 days a week anymore, pajama pants that have been around for years and years of life.  Things that have in a weird way defined my life, that are just cloth but have meaning, some sort of connection to a past I am moving on from.  But being able to throw some of the stuff away was so good. Knowing that so much of that past is with me wherever I go without the shirts and random junk and silly memorabilia.  It is part of me and the shirts that take up space to remind me aren't as necessary as I grow into a shaped person, with all the ingredients since day one coming together to make me :)


Its exciting stuff getting ready to go back there. So much is waiting for me.  An open book for me to fill the pages of.  For me to make my journey out of.  A place that I am whole heartedly in love with, my eyes light up when I talk about it and that I have missed everyday for the last three months.  Still, the goodbyes, the transition, the flipping through the chapters, always hits a little spot in my heart reminding me of what all this means :)


So its time again to soak it up. Soak up the mountain air.  The blue sky, the stars.  The mamma, the big room and the big bed.  The best friends near by. The memories, the life that I have created here. Time to fill myself full of this life, this world so I can take it with me back to that one. And that I am going to do. Im going to Boulder and Fort Collins to soak up the time with the best friends, stopping here and there to see people, fitting things in, making last minute plans.  And in the midst of all that giving me sometime to process and enjoy and just be. Cause that is the gift of life.. to just be.


Off to dream land :) xoxoxo

whole:)

ahhhhhhh
that was a good sigh not a scream kinda ahh...
life is so good
i feel... whole


im off to play with Tiff and her Leadville crew tonight but real quick... my thoughts on life as of late


1. i have a travel bug. i want so badly to explore the world right now.....thanks to the lovely amounts of reading and imagining i did in the last week. perfect
2. kels and gamachu came to my house last night. first RYLA fam to ever come here. it meant so much. we laughed so hard. and stayed up til crazy hours. and slept in my bed and were the best family we could ever ask for. it was perfect
3. ive been thinking about music. and all the places it can take you.  today someone was on my mind. starting with one song... and i thought and thought about all that part of my life. so many songs remind me of someone or somewhere...its awesome
4. i went for a run tonight and it was wonderful, in and out of the streets and allies of this little east side where i grew up. at the top of the hill i looked out at this awesome little place that raised me. and the mountains that protected me for so long from yucky life. and how thankful i am to call this home
5. i had an amazingly ungraceful legs in the air face plant in the middle of the coffee shop today. welcome to my life :) oh ya... i was wearing a dress. oops
6. i have been thinking thinking thinking thinking about school and life. international business seems to be a good idea. i also would love to add an urban ed minor. i wanna be back there so i can figure it out. oh what i could do with the mix of all those things
7. kelsey leaves to russia on tuesday. i am SOOOO excited for her and equally sad to see her fly away from me. but experiences are to be had and how cool is it that she'll be in russia when i talk to her and have so many stories to tell
8. 6 more days of work. enough said
9. i miss zachy and he's only 45 minutes away. man i love that boy. plans were made tonight so my missing sees relief soon
10. tour of colorado/best friend seeing starts next thursday... super excited
11. drive to california t minus 13 days... here we come road trip
12. I AM SOOOO EXCITED TO BE BACK AT THE CLARA.... there are no words
13. We had lunch with Rolo today. I love RYLA. I love my family. I love the Cuadrados.
14. Life is good... i have lots to do before i head back to my land of wonderfulness and am looking forward to every minute of life... always.
15. I hope YOU feel whole. And I hope you dream like I dream. And I hope you get to go on adventures and laugh so hard you cry and plan out your life and thank people for all the amazing they have given you. I hope you get to love all of this amazingness that we are lucky enough to be apart of! 
XOXOXOXO

breakfast for dinner, days in swimsuits and piles of books decorating the floor

This is the stuff off a summer vacation on the lake. The worst picture ever but.. the necessities.

My suitcase is packed... but man what a perfect end to the week.  I stayed in my swim suit the entire day.  Almost finished book number three. Kayaked, water skiied and swam across the lake. It used to be a coming of age.  Now its a Michelle wanting to be just as cool as the boy cousins... and loving to swim. Dad kayaked beside me and we did it pretty fast. Checked off my bucket list :)


We had breakfast for dinner. Dad finished his cherry pie out of the pie tin it came from.  I read and I read and I read and I read.  Put sunscreen on four times, swam when it got to hot and fell asleep on the boat with my book covering my face. Slowly we moved the toys back to the garage. Cleaned up the messy kitchen and did what we could to empty out the fridge (hence the breakfast for dinner).  We talked about plans for being back next summer. And had the best weather for our last day we could ask for.


Time to go back to real life. And leave the long days of swimsuits, books, sunscreen and boats til next year. But it was so good. So good for me. So good for us.  So good to rejuvenate in this wonderful little place :) Im gonna go for one last run in the morning down to the bay.  We'll send the boat back, pack up and fly away from this little place.  And Ill be waiting to come back.


Thanks for another perfect trip.  Another time to relax and spend time together and love and laugh and be in this quirky little place where its ok to have breakfast for dinner and eat cherry pie out of pie tins and lay around in my swimsuit all day.  See ya next year! <3

mmmmmmmm... life :)

I always fantasize about living here for a summer. I almost said used to. But I still do today I told Dad "I'm still not giving up on the idea of living here someday" Even though people rent it and silly stuff like that now. I dream of long days on the water. Swimming and running in the michigan love. I dream of fires. I dream of friends and family visiting. Of entertaining myself with books all summer long.  Of summer love on the lake.  Of late nights under the stars. Of cooking veggies and fish on the grill. Eating fresh fruit and baking coffee cakes all summer long. Some day.. someday I tell ya.


Its just SO good.


We have been water skiing and reading (SO MUCH READING) and playing cards and sun tanning (ok sun burning) and eating delicious food and just relaxing our butts off. And I just love it so much. Its so beautiful.


We dropped off Kylie and Jesse at the airport tonight. Sad to see them leave, and sad to see the end of another Michigan trip coming up too soon.
Dad and I just went out and took it all in for a while. The lake is like glass. The sun is setting. Everything is perfect. And I was just overwhelmed with emotion.  Joy, gratitude, excitement, understanding and a little bit of sadness. But mostly just memories and thoughtfulness.
Im gonna leave here pretty soon. But I know that I'll be back.  And this has been one of the more stable pieces of my life. Here every summer. No matter the divorce, the alcohol, the drugs, the loss, the money problems, the changes.
The cottage and the lake were always always here.


Its the simple happy memories here that I share with dad and mom that make me feel close to both of them when Im here. Its the knowledge that I will bring my kids here someday.  Thats the comfort and love the seeps out of this place. The love of a lifetime of ups and downs and changes...and one place that stays consistent to come play and relax and love.. always and forever :)


Dad and I were talking about our soar arms... we decided that it must be one heck of a good time if you have soar arms and sunburned skin. Oopppssiiesss (I successfully got fried yesterday)
But it has been quite the perfect vacation.  You can tell by the sunburn and soar arms, the books and hats and crackers stacked up on the table.  Wet towels and swimsuits laying out.  Cameras, sun glasses, life jackets, inside and outside games to play with. Perfect :)


And guess what, we still have a day and a half left. To fill with reading and sunshine and relaxing and hammocks and swimming across the lake and maybe even a couple more water skiing rounds (even though its illegal with just the two of us) But.. man is this place wonderful. Every single time :)


I have also been letting my little day dreamer of a mind go at full speed. Seriously I AM A DREAMER. And I have been in fantasy land ALL over the world this last week. Dreaming of being back at school.  Of our trip out. Of my last few weeks at home.  Of studying abroad and traveling before hand with Kali. Of living here or there, of nannying, of all the possibilities of next summer.  Of life.. so much life. I like to day dream and night dream and just dream.  It makes me excited for life. And motivates me to go out there and just explore the options cause boy are there a lot :)


Back to reading.  Today Im in a little town in Pakistan in Three Cups of Tea :) Yesterday was Sweden in The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo and a I bought one about Germany and one about Heaven for the next couple days :)
Dream on.. I sure am :)
XOXOXOX

OUR Oasis

I have arrived at my summer oasis. The place I have come to for the past 19 years. A place of sun and fun and funny family dynamics. Of Grandma telling me my skirt is too short, to keep my feet of the couch and to close the door quietly. Of memories and laughter and so much fun.  Of love, expressed differently than at home.


Im here now. Just Dad and I.


My first two questions
Should we stop at the big store on the way home? 
and
Where is the hammock?


We've arrived at a place for us. A place we hold dear to our hearts.  Where the first thing I do is kick off my shoes, roll up my pants and run to put my toes in the water.  Where I spend hours reading. Where we eat fresh fruit and vegetables with the smell of the lake and the old cabin surrounding us. 
 We have arrived at a place that is different. That has been renovated into something that people outside this quirky family will pay to stay at. But still has Grandma's little notes and the ugly orange chairs and pieces of her and the rusticness of this place scattered around. 
A place where we joke about the rules and break them and laugh and mock her, which really is an understanding between us that we miss her, and this place is full of memories of her, and that is how we reminisce.
 A place where I spend more time silent than most my life. Where we can just enjoy each others company and not talk about everything.  Where ten o clock rolls around and sleepily I get off the couch and say its only 8 at home and Dad says "who cares we're not at home" so i move to my bunk beds and feel like the grandkid that I have spent all these years in the back bedroom with the small beds as. 
I place where I have come and felt at home and fully content and uneasy at the same time.  A place that has been all mine and a little bit not mine. A place that I love so dearly I will never let go of. 


A place that this year I can let go of the uneasiness and let it be all mine.  Where it is ok that Dad and I's relationship is different than mom and I's or someone else and their dad's.  A place where what used to drive me crazy can now make me laugh. Where I can let go and just be in the moment. And be perfectly content with the way that is, so that the rest of this is just as perfect and enjoyable every moment as it should be.  Where its ok that he is green and gold and I am blue and orange.  Where goodnight hugs are more than the love I get at home... he gives me blue.  Where I sit and read and let my mind go, I give him green.  Where I appreciate all that he is.  All that this place is.  All that it means to us and our relationship.


This is OUR oasis. And i cherish it so much for that. Cherish it so much for all that it has given to me, to us, and forever will give.


And boy am I excited to be here where the only thing I think about is when Ill fit meals into the fun and my responsibilities are to husk corn and clean up after a yummy dinner. Where I get to read about life, love, travel, exploring, understanding, fantasy, whatever I want. Where I wake up and cover my cereal in fresh fruit sit on the porch taking it all in.  Read for a while, change into my swimsuit.  Play, swim, eat, read, relax... and do it all over again. Perfect.


The boat comes tomorrow.  A toy for us to relish in our love of being and doing together. Then Jes and Kylie come Friday.  And again I will cherish being able to let go and just be here together :)


A week of relaxing and letting go.  Of finding where we meet. Of understanding who he is.  What he has given to me. Of loving instead of getting frustrated. Of enjoying instead of being aware of the imperfections. Cause we are in the perfect place to forget about all but the love and the good.  To a week in OUR oasis. 

T minus 6.5 hours til Im off!

hellloooooo


So.. lately I have a VERY close relationship with this couch I am currently sitting on, the cozy quilt covering me, the pillow behind my head and the back of my eye lids. I have been taking THE most epic naps lately and frankly they are starting to worry me a little. Just kidding but I think my body is either STILL recovering from the RYLA exhaustion, or aware that the summer is soon coming to a close and the school year will be in full swing.  Its like a subconcious understanding either that I will be sooo busy that I need to stock up on sleep now or just my body getting in the habit of daily naps.  I have a love hate relationship with it. I love naps but as I told Kels I really dont have time to take two hour naps everyday. Holy moly.


Also.. my little brain is spending loads of time in either RYLA land or Santa Clara land.  Ooo lovely, two of my favorite lands. Thoughts and memories and ideas and excitement and sooo many things to think about. Im still holding on so tight to RYLA and feeling it soo much. Rotary meeting today with drum roll please... SIX SUMMIT RYLARIANS!!! DUDE.. .SIX!!! Thats is 600% of what went three years ago.  And one was missing.  So RYLA participation has umm i dont even know how to say that word (i just googled it) SEPTUPLED! That in itself is wonderful. Not to mention the fact that they are all out of this world and are gonna RYLA the heck out of Summit County and that the Summit Rotary Club um LOVES us and wants to give lots of money so more people can go and that I just feel right at home there because I have been there thanking them so many times.  I just love it. So dang much. And am so addicted and attached and inspired by it.  Im not letting go, even if the cards dont align for head jc I will find another way. Sorry world you cant get in my way :) And I also just have to give a shout out to the Cuadrado family. Rolo has absolutely changed my life and I am so thankful for him and the relationship we have and I am learning about how wonderful his kids are and its just really great to see a wonderful family and have him as a mentor and my RYLA daddy :)
Also.. I am talking on the phone to all but like 4 counselors right now which is wonderful and challenging all at the same time :) But how I love them oh so so so much and bahhh RYLA just makes my heart huge and its wonderful!!!!!


And I am so excited to be back at school for so many reason.


But Im still here and I cant forget to enjoy here. So! Tonight I went for the best run of the whole summer at the lake.  A run where my little legs just kept going and I listened to my breathing and took in the out of this world view and it felt so good. And then i sat on a rock and just looked at the mountains and the sunset and the lake. And listened to one tribe and RYLA memories flooded my head and I thought about where I've been and where I am and how beyond content I am right now.  I love it. Then I went to Erics and I just sat with him.  I thought about life as 5. I do that all the time. And realized again I will never ever ever know what it'd be like. I thought about him coming to Michigan with us. I wondered where he was. Like really where...and how is it and what does he do there. And then I choked up. Sometimes I dont and other times I do. And tonight I just wanted to hug him, more than anything in the world. But sitting there is hugging him in a crazy kinda way. And I love going there :) I came home and had delicious dinner with mom. Confrenced called with that crazy amazing family of mine and realized its time to pack. 


Ill be on my way to michigan in 6 and a 1/2 hours. Not fully packed, or rested or showered. Oopsies. I always do this to myself the night before a trip. Its ok though. I cant wait. So much good is coming. So much relaxing and thinking and loving and playing and learning about my pop. Im ready to learn. Be ready for big blogs. :) Night!