I so dont have time to be writing in here but I just have to.
I am off to my final Young RYLA. The end (sort of but not really) of a four year saga of amazing life changing weeks every single summer to bring me back to my center, to inspire me, to hold me up, to show me how amazing this life is. This one is going to top it all of. I am so very excited. I am as ready as I will ever be and I know that things are going to go wonderfully. I have evaluated and reevaluated my strengths and weaknesses and am ready to be my best for these kids. I am so very excited to do this with Jess and Junior by my side and watch and learn from the most amazing team of JC's and SC's. I am ready to watch the kids eyes light up from a new perspective, to plan, to organize and more than anything else to support. I am ready for another amazing week but not quite ready for it to all be over :)
I cant put it all into words. I know the universe is on my side. I know that right now in my life this is what I need to be doing. I know that I will learn and grow so much. That my heart will be given wings and that more will come from it than I can ever expect. I know there will be challenges but those will be overcome with joy and love like none other. I am ready.
Heres to an amazing week, thank you everyone in my life for getting me here :) I wish i could bring you all along! <3 <3 <3
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Young RYLA starts ONE WEEK from today.
Craziest thing Ive ever heard.
Its weird how you start planning and working in October and spend 10 months planning... and suddenly its here. And before we know it it is going to be over.
There are all sorts of emotions surrounding that. Excitement, nervousness, a itty bitty bit of fear, so much gratitude and a whole bunch of love.. and the idea of it ending has a little bit of sadness connected to it.
What a beautiful thing. I guess I dont really have great words for it right now, its just on my mind.
I had a great great couple days off, took my little cousin to Elitches and flashed back to 7th grade, and what mattered then.. tried to give her a little wisdom to make some of the silly stuff less important. Then went to Estes to spend sometime with my best friend and second family. It was just what I needed. Familiar, stable, perfect. We giggled so much, talked about little things and big things and just let life pause for a bit so we could be best friends.
Also went back to big RYLA to tell the exhausted kiddos to apply to be JC's at Young RYLA. It was so great to be there again, watch the slideshow and feel the magic that Suzi and Brady created. It was a good glimpse into whats coming for us in a week. And made me tear up.. hahaha.
I spent Friday night at Juniors with 5 JC's who were there to do inventory in the morning. We played dominos, laughed, and went on a late night playground adventure. It was fantastic. They are fantastic and I am so excited for our team and this amazing thing. I guess I just cant quite wrap my mind around the fact that its happening so very soon.
Like I said in my last post, the universe is a crazy place. I swear it hears me and knows me better than I know myself. And does a really good job keeping me in check. Its funny how old emotions bring up old habits. I have been reminded of some emotions that I used to spent a lot of time with, and talking to my brother last night I realized that in a lot of ways Im dealing with them the exact same way that I used to. Bizarre... working on that one in my head.
This summer is running out of my time REALLLL fast. 5 days of working til we go in full Young RYLA mode, 9 days there then back for 10 days before El Salvador. Crazy talk I tell ya. Its a good life though, even if there is still lots to figure out... <3 <3
Craziest thing Ive ever heard.
Its weird how you start planning and working in October and spend 10 months planning... and suddenly its here. And before we know it it is going to be over.
There are all sorts of emotions surrounding that. Excitement, nervousness, a itty bitty bit of fear, so much gratitude and a whole bunch of love.. and the idea of it ending has a little bit of sadness connected to it.
What a beautiful thing. I guess I dont really have great words for it right now, its just on my mind.
I had a great great couple days off, took my little cousin to Elitches and flashed back to 7th grade, and what mattered then.. tried to give her a little wisdom to make some of the silly stuff less important. Then went to Estes to spend sometime with my best friend and second family. It was just what I needed. Familiar, stable, perfect. We giggled so much, talked about little things and big things and just let life pause for a bit so we could be best friends.
Also went back to big RYLA to tell the exhausted kiddos to apply to be JC's at Young RYLA. It was so great to be there again, watch the slideshow and feel the magic that Suzi and Brady created. It was a good glimpse into whats coming for us in a week. And made me tear up.. hahaha.
I spent Friday night at Juniors with 5 JC's who were there to do inventory in the morning. We played dominos, laughed, and went on a late night playground adventure. It was fantastic. They are fantastic and I am so excited for our team and this amazing thing. I guess I just cant quite wrap my mind around the fact that its happening so very soon.
Like I said in my last post, the universe is a crazy place. I swear it hears me and knows me better than I know myself. And does a really good job keeping me in check. Its funny how old emotions bring up old habits. I have been reminded of some emotions that I used to spent a lot of time with, and talking to my brother last night I realized that in a lot of ways Im dealing with them the exact same way that I used to. Bizarre... working on that one in my head.
This summer is running out of my time REALLLL fast. 5 days of working til we go in full Young RYLA mode, 9 days there then back for 10 days before El Salvador. Crazy talk I tell ya. Its a good life though, even if there is still lots to figure out... <3 <3
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
universe reminders... struggling, supporting and overcoming
The universe is smarter than we ever want to believe.
I went to the RYLA 25th anniversary on Saturday night. Drove up to Estes just like I did 4 years ago, all these feelings came rushing back. The nervousness that was precamp of who I was going to meet, what was coming out of the week, just a reminder of those feelings. Then before I could even wrap my mind around wondering what it would be like and searching for that feeling it just came exploding out of Willome Hall, the place where it all started. So many beautiful people and feelings and such a beautiful thing. Reconnecting with old friends and meeting new friends but automatically connecting because of this thing we are so lucky to be apart of. It was amazing, it fueled my soul. I drove to Fort Collins afterward to stay with Kamryn, my head rushed with thoughts and memories and gratitude. So so much gratitude for this world and life and the moments that have shaken and pushed me and help me find my way.
I came home and went in and out of my Leadville funk the last few days but again spent such meaningful time with important people. And have had conversations that needed to be had. Sunday night I laid in my bed with someone so important and formative in my life and talked about faith. Faith that things work out somehow, a faith I have grown since senior year in high school when it seemed my life was all falling apart and suddenly I was ok and on my way out and since then have been living this beautiful picture perfect life of learning, growing, inspiration and stability. I talked about how I dunno if that faith would survive if something shook me. And the universe heard me.
Last night Katie and I made a delicious dinner, watched a girly feel good movie and just enjoyed some time together. For those moments it seemed like all was right in this world. My mama didnt get home til late and some too familiar 5th grade emotions errupted, a conversation was started and some truths came out that maybe I have been avoiding all summer. Our relationship is the best its ever been and compared to two years ago my mama is so healthy and happy and stable. But life doesnt just come in and out of your life and not leave any marks on your soul. Her heart has raw, hurt and unsure spots on it. Spots on it of fear, disappointment and insecuritie. Her life is still not exactly where she wants it, and definitley not where I want it.
The world has so much to offer us. I really believe that if we have the tools and attitude to go out there and search for more we will find more. Not more money or more stable jobs or even necessarily more support from our country and other people. But just more meaning deep down in our souls. This world is not kind enough to give everyone what they need, to allow everyone to have food on their tables and shelter over their heads and for so many without those things searching for something deep within their soul is the most challenging, but also the most meaningful. Our life here is preety dang glamorous compared to so many others. Yes money has been a struggle for years and in my mamas eyes it all doesnt make a lot of sense, but with time and effort I know she can get to a place where it makes a little more sense. And those bruises on her heart are a little more healed.
It shook me like I forgot I could be shaken. So many times during middle school and high school I felt those feelings. Of fear, helplessness, dissapointment and sadness that she struggled. Last night I felt them all over again. I was so scared and so overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge that she actually isnt in as perfect of a place as she thought. Lucky for me I have some of the most amazing people in my life to remind me, guide me, support me and hear me out.
I needed to see that all was not just rainbows and butterflies. Maybe she hasnt had the conversations we have with anybody else. Maybe there is no one to push her and encourage her to find her way. Maybe this little town is gulping her up a little, and I needed to see that so before I take off for 4 months I can at least have the conversations with her.
I know that I cant fix it all, but admittedly will forever have the struggle of wishing I could. But I can support her and love her and be honest with her. Sometimes when you let yourself be alone with your head everything gets blown out of porportion. Like when you stay up late at night and things seem so much more complicated than they really are. Then the next morning you call your best friend and are reminded of all the things in your life that keep you on top, that fuel you, that help you to get through the hard times. I want to be that for my mama. I want to help her see there is more out there. And that overcoming so much of what she has is not the end. Life can continue to get better and more meaningful. She can continue for the rest of her life to become happier and more sure of this world.
Cause if we are here just here to settle, really what life are we bringing to this world? For the past 20 years my mama has taught me not to settle, she has taught me to be introspective, to challenge myself, to learn and grow and go places. To find meaning and look deep within the world for life and lessons. She has done such an amazing job instilling that in me. Maybe now it is my turn to remind her of all those things. Maybe the world just seems a little cloudy and she needs a trail to that moment of realization. The one I had the last day of senior year laying in the grass and have had again and again since then.
Thank you universe for shaking me a little, for being honest with me and bringing the struggles into the open. Heres to honesty and support and pain... but more than anything else to taking that pain and fear and running with it, to searching for a way to continue to overcome.
I went to the RYLA 25th anniversary on Saturday night. Drove up to Estes just like I did 4 years ago, all these feelings came rushing back. The nervousness that was precamp of who I was going to meet, what was coming out of the week, just a reminder of those feelings. Then before I could even wrap my mind around wondering what it would be like and searching for that feeling it just came exploding out of Willome Hall, the place where it all started. So many beautiful people and feelings and such a beautiful thing. Reconnecting with old friends and meeting new friends but automatically connecting because of this thing we are so lucky to be apart of. It was amazing, it fueled my soul. I drove to Fort Collins afterward to stay with Kamryn, my head rushed with thoughts and memories and gratitude. So so much gratitude for this world and life and the moments that have shaken and pushed me and help me find my way.
I came home and went in and out of my Leadville funk the last few days but again spent such meaningful time with important people. And have had conversations that needed to be had. Sunday night I laid in my bed with someone so important and formative in my life and talked about faith. Faith that things work out somehow, a faith I have grown since senior year in high school when it seemed my life was all falling apart and suddenly I was ok and on my way out and since then have been living this beautiful picture perfect life of learning, growing, inspiration and stability. I talked about how I dunno if that faith would survive if something shook me. And the universe heard me.
Last night Katie and I made a delicious dinner, watched a girly feel good movie and just enjoyed some time together. For those moments it seemed like all was right in this world. My mama didnt get home til late and some too familiar 5th grade emotions errupted, a conversation was started and some truths came out that maybe I have been avoiding all summer. Our relationship is the best its ever been and compared to two years ago my mama is so healthy and happy and stable. But life doesnt just come in and out of your life and not leave any marks on your soul. Her heart has raw, hurt and unsure spots on it. Spots on it of fear, disappointment and insecuritie. Her life is still not exactly where she wants it, and definitley not where I want it.
The world has so much to offer us. I really believe that if we have the tools and attitude to go out there and search for more we will find more. Not more money or more stable jobs or even necessarily more support from our country and other people. But just more meaning deep down in our souls. This world is not kind enough to give everyone what they need, to allow everyone to have food on their tables and shelter over their heads and for so many without those things searching for something deep within their soul is the most challenging, but also the most meaningful. Our life here is preety dang glamorous compared to so many others. Yes money has been a struggle for years and in my mamas eyes it all doesnt make a lot of sense, but with time and effort I know she can get to a place where it makes a little more sense. And those bruises on her heart are a little more healed.
It shook me like I forgot I could be shaken. So many times during middle school and high school I felt those feelings. Of fear, helplessness, dissapointment and sadness that she struggled. Last night I felt them all over again. I was so scared and so overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge that she actually isnt in as perfect of a place as she thought. Lucky for me I have some of the most amazing people in my life to remind me, guide me, support me and hear me out.
I needed to see that all was not just rainbows and butterflies. Maybe she hasnt had the conversations we have with anybody else. Maybe there is no one to push her and encourage her to find her way. Maybe this little town is gulping her up a little, and I needed to see that so before I take off for 4 months I can at least have the conversations with her.
I know that I cant fix it all, but admittedly will forever have the struggle of wishing I could. But I can support her and love her and be honest with her. Sometimes when you let yourself be alone with your head everything gets blown out of porportion. Like when you stay up late at night and things seem so much more complicated than they really are. Then the next morning you call your best friend and are reminded of all the things in your life that keep you on top, that fuel you, that help you to get through the hard times. I want to be that for my mama. I want to help her see there is more out there. And that overcoming so much of what she has is not the end. Life can continue to get better and more meaningful. She can continue for the rest of her life to become happier and more sure of this world.
Cause if we are here just here to settle, really what life are we bringing to this world? For the past 20 years my mama has taught me not to settle, she has taught me to be introspective, to challenge myself, to learn and grow and go places. To find meaning and look deep within the world for life and lessons. She has done such an amazing job instilling that in me. Maybe now it is my turn to remind her of all those things. Maybe the world just seems a little cloudy and she needs a trail to that moment of realization. The one I had the last day of senior year laying in the grass and have had again and again since then.
Thank you universe for shaking me a little, for being honest with me and bringing the struggles into the open. Heres to honesty and support and pain... but more than anything else to taking that pain and fear and running with it, to searching for a way to continue to overcome.
Friday, July 15, 2011
open, honest, beautiful conversations
Hmm... it is dang near my bed time but I keep thinking of writing and then never getting here.
My life is quite the life. Sometimes, or more than sometimes this summer while I have been home I have worried about the insignificance of my summer, the lack of meaning in my life and the lack of that feeling of so alive and grateful and soaking up all the juices of this life.
As much as I love Leadville the pace is a little slow and every moment is not filled with learning, growing and amazing conversations. Yet when I stop and sit back I am reminded of how full of meaning my life is and how many amazing beautiful people I have just a phone call or even quick walk away to remind me of that.
The last few days have been filled with wonderful phone calls and skype dates... Cara, Kelsey, Margot all brought their beautiful views on life right back into mine. A drive around the lake with Katie to just chat. Honest, open, real, and meaningful conversations are easily my most favorite thing on the planet. This summer I have been having them with my mama more than anyone else, something I could not be more grateful for. And the last couple days chats have been such good reminders of how beautiful life is, how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life and how meaningful it really is for me to be home this summer. To be home planning Young RYLA and learning from my amazing Co Head, Chair and team of kick ass counselors. To be home with my mom spending time with her, getting along like we never have before, talking openly and honestly about the challenges that life has thrown us and how we will forever continue to grow and learn together.
If I wasnt home this summer I wouldnt have gone to a Rockies game with my pops tonight. Our annual father/ daughter outing where he teaches me a little more about baseball, mining, driving, whatever seems significant to him in that moment. Where we sing the Star Spangled banner and eat peanuts together. Where our relationship that seems too quiet for me is just what it is, and even if we are sitting quietly next to each other we are enjoying each others company.
I also wouldn't be able to go the the 25th Anniversary of RYLA Celebration tomorrow. I am so very excited. This summer is so much about Young RYLA and really it has all kind of become a way of life for me. I will be back at the YMCA in Estes where it all started with a team mate, my JC, my SC and at least one of the Head JC's that were there and integral in the week that started this all for me. I really think RYLA helped to put me on the right track. Life wasnt necessarily peachy keen in high school and I wasnt necessarily the most aware, loving, giving, compassionate person in the world. RYLA rocked my world and taught me about support and love and giving and learning and challenges becoming strength. And today, 4 years since I went to RYLA... it has shaped me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. So many out of this world people have come into my life, some just for one week or a fraction of that week and some that will last forever... plus everything in between. But their faces flash through my head, their stories, their love, their optimism and all of the lessons that they taught me. I could go on forever but literally, Im not just saying this, RYLA has changed my life. And I couldn't be more excited to celebrate it tomorrow with some of the most important people who have made it go and have continued to spread that love all over the world. Its a beautiful thing I tell ya.
El Salvador is creeping closer and closer and closer. One month and one day away and I will land in this country that I have heard so much about. I will land in the next journey, challenge, amazing experience. I will meet people that will become best friends and some that already have. I will have my world rocked. We signed up for praxis sites and housing and got the book list for a few of our classes. I talked to Margot today about how surreal it is, how excited we are. How much time we have spent thinking about it and how soon it is coming. As much as I struggle with it now and then I think this summer is maybe exactly what I need before I go. A little down time, sometime with my mom, sometime to just let my brain be before there is more meaning and confusion and questions and beauty and complexity in my life that I know what to do with. But boy am I excited.
There is so little time left in this summer and I really wanna enjoy it. I also am at peace with the fact that I am not constantly in awe with life and experiencing all sorts of exhilaration, I am experiencing it all on a different level that is equally good for the soul...
Thank you beautiful people in my life for the forever reminders.. Young RYLA training and all the conversations I have been so lucky to have had this past week have woke me up a little and helped me to think a little more about where Im at... in a beautiful place, just as every other moment...
My life is quite the life. Sometimes, or more than sometimes this summer while I have been home I have worried about the insignificance of my summer, the lack of meaning in my life and the lack of that feeling of so alive and grateful and soaking up all the juices of this life.
As much as I love Leadville the pace is a little slow and every moment is not filled with learning, growing and amazing conversations. Yet when I stop and sit back I am reminded of how full of meaning my life is and how many amazing beautiful people I have just a phone call or even quick walk away to remind me of that.
The last few days have been filled with wonderful phone calls and skype dates... Cara, Kelsey, Margot all brought their beautiful views on life right back into mine. A drive around the lake with Katie to just chat. Honest, open, real, and meaningful conversations are easily my most favorite thing on the planet. This summer I have been having them with my mama more than anyone else, something I could not be more grateful for. And the last couple days chats have been such good reminders of how beautiful life is, how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life and how meaningful it really is for me to be home this summer. To be home planning Young RYLA and learning from my amazing Co Head, Chair and team of kick ass counselors. To be home with my mom spending time with her, getting along like we never have before, talking openly and honestly about the challenges that life has thrown us and how we will forever continue to grow and learn together.
If I wasnt home this summer I wouldnt have gone to a Rockies game with my pops tonight. Our annual father/ daughter outing where he teaches me a little more about baseball, mining, driving, whatever seems significant to him in that moment. Where we sing the Star Spangled banner and eat peanuts together. Where our relationship that seems too quiet for me is just what it is, and even if we are sitting quietly next to each other we are enjoying each others company.
I also wouldn't be able to go the the 25th Anniversary of RYLA Celebration tomorrow. I am so very excited. This summer is so much about Young RYLA and really it has all kind of become a way of life for me. I will be back at the YMCA in Estes where it all started with a team mate, my JC, my SC and at least one of the Head JC's that were there and integral in the week that started this all for me. I really think RYLA helped to put me on the right track. Life wasnt necessarily peachy keen in high school and I wasnt necessarily the most aware, loving, giving, compassionate person in the world. RYLA rocked my world and taught me about support and love and giving and learning and challenges becoming strength. And today, 4 years since I went to RYLA... it has shaped me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. So many out of this world people have come into my life, some just for one week or a fraction of that week and some that will last forever... plus everything in between. But their faces flash through my head, their stories, their love, their optimism and all of the lessons that they taught me. I could go on forever but literally, Im not just saying this, RYLA has changed my life. And I couldn't be more excited to celebrate it tomorrow with some of the most important people who have made it go and have continued to spread that love all over the world. Its a beautiful thing I tell ya.
El Salvador is creeping closer and closer and closer. One month and one day away and I will land in this country that I have heard so much about. I will land in the next journey, challenge, amazing experience. I will meet people that will become best friends and some that already have. I will have my world rocked. We signed up for praxis sites and housing and got the book list for a few of our classes. I talked to Margot today about how surreal it is, how excited we are. How much time we have spent thinking about it and how soon it is coming. As much as I struggle with it now and then I think this summer is maybe exactly what I need before I go. A little down time, sometime with my mom, sometime to just let my brain be before there is more meaning and confusion and questions and beauty and complexity in my life that I know what to do with. But boy am I excited.
There is so little time left in this summer and I really wanna enjoy it. I also am at peace with the fact that I am not constantly in awe with life and experiencing all sorts of exhilaration, I am experiencing it all on a different level that is equally good for the soul...
Thank you beautiful people in my life for the forever reminders.. Young RYLA training and all the conversations I have been so lucky to have had this past week have woke me up a little and helped me to think a little more about where Im at... in a beautiful place, just as every other moment...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
that feeling
Hellooo,
I have been horrible horrible horrible about writing. Ive tried a few times but the words just didnt come as much as they should have. My inspiration and thoughtfulness just comes to me differently at home than it does at school when Im constantly being pushed to learn and grow.
The transition home is always a little bit of a challenge, just such a different pace. Young RYLA, coffee shop and time with my mama have filled the majority of my time. Visits to Boulder and FoCo, some time with the crew, sledding on 4th of July and my fair share of time on the couch reading have also defined my summer. Nothing extremely exciting but good for the soul in its own way.
Young RYLA training was this weekend. Words cant describe the feeling it brought, especially when Im still running on fumes after I used so much energy and got so little sleep this weekend. I had butterflies Friday worrying about how on earth I would get across to them what I felt was important. How would I create a team and that sense of excitement, respect and responsibility that makes Young RYLA go. Less than an hour into our time with the team all that was gone and my level of confidence in the way this year will work had sky rocketed. We have the most amazing team and I dont have a worry in the world about how they will do at camp. They are gonna kick some serious butt.
Its funny being in this role and trying to find exactly what my role means. Guide them, love them, support them... my motherly instincts come out but more so I just wanna be their best friends. We want them to look up to us and respect us but I want there to be mutual respect and to feel like equals. I wanna joke and laugh with them and let them lead themselves more so than I lead them. They are making our job so easy and I just feel so lucky to have such an amazing time. The emotions were flowing and I left with this huge sense of pride, joy and excitement. This all really will come together and we have such a great group to pick up our slack that its ok for me to be human, its all gonna work out wonderfully.
It was funny sitting there watching the slide show, pictures from our 1st year flashed across the screen and something hit me. Young RYLA has become such a definitive part of my life, the people, the memories, the lessons... they have all been such a huge part of where I was and who I have become and this is my last year to give it all I have. Its so exciting to see the first years coming in and how much greatness is ahead of them, its so cool to think of how far Ive come as a person and as an active player in the Young RYLA game. I feel so lucky and the amazing people who have come into my life though this beautiful thing really mean more than they will ever know, and this weekend a whole new batch of beautiful relationships sprouted, I cant wait to see them blossom.
I feel blessed. I feel grateful, excited, proud, relieved, confident and exhausted. I was reminded why I am doing this and the meaning of my summer slapped me across the face. Im right where I am supposed to be (who would of thought ;))
Not to mention, my favorite 4 year old (HOLY WOW...4 years) Just gave me a beautiful toe nail paint job and I get to spend the day with her tomorrow before going back to my mama who has become such a special part of my summer. Sometimes I struggle trying to find the beauty, inspiration, meaning and excitment in my life. Its there I tell ya, sometimes I just gotta let life give me some down time to prepare me.
Thanks for the reminder Young RYLA team, you are the best I could ask for! XOXOXOX
I have been horrible horrible horrible about writing. Ive tried a few times but the words just didnt come as much as they should have. My inspiration and thoughtfulness just comes to me differently at home than it does at school when Im constantly being pushed to learn and grow.
The transition home is always a little bit of a challenge, just such a different pace. Young RYLA, coffee shop and time with my mama have filled the majority of my time. Visits to Boulder and FoCo, some time with the crew, sledding on 4th of July and my fair share of time on the couch reading have also defined my summer. Nothing extremely exciting but good for the soul in its own way.
Young RYLA training was this weekend. Words cant describe the feeling it brought, especially when Im still running on fumes after I used so much energy and got so little sleep this weekend. I had butterflies Friday worrying about how on earth I would get across to them what I felt was important. How would I create a team and that sense of excitement, respect and responsibility that makes Young RYLA go. Less than an hour into our time with the team all that was gone and my level of confidence in the way this year will work had sky rocketed. We have the most amazing team and I dont have a worry in the world about how they will do at camp. They are gonna kick some serious butt.
Its funny being in this role and trying to find exactly what my role means. Guide them, love them, support them... my motherly instincts come out but more so I just wanna be their best friends. We want them to look up to us and respect us but I want there to be mutual respect and to feel like equals. I wanna joke and laugh with them and let them lead themselves more so than I lead them. They are making our job so easy and I just feel so lucky to have such an amazing time. The emotions were flowing and I left with this huge sense of pride, joy and excitement. This all really will come together and we have such a great group to pick up our slack that its ok for me to be human, its all gonna work out wonderfully.
It was funny sitting there watching the slide show, pictures from our 1st year flashed across the screen and something hit me. Young RYLA has become such a definitive part of my life, the people, the memories, the lessons... they have all been such a huge part of where I was and who I have become and this is my last year to give it all I have. Its so exciting to see the first years coming in and how much greatness is ahead of them, its so cool to think of how far Ive come as a person and as an active player in the Young RYLA game. I feel so lucky and the amazing people who have come into my life though this beautiful thing really mean more than they will ever know, and this weekend a whole new batch of beautiful relationships sprouted, I cant wait to see them blossom.
I feel blessed. I feel grateful, excited, proud, relieved, confident and exhausted. I was reminded why I am doing this and the meaning of my summer slapped me across the face. Im right where I am supposed to be (who would of thought ;))
Not to mention, my favorite 4 year old (HOLY WOW...4 years) Just gave me a beautiful toe nail paint job and I get to spend the day with her tomorrow before going back to my mama who has become such a special part of my summer. Sometimes I struggle trying to find the beauty, inspiration, meaning and excitment in my life. Its there I tell ya, sometimes I just gotta let life give me some down time to prepare me.
Thanks for the reminder Young RYLA team, you are the best I could ask for! XOXOXOX
Thursday, June 23, 2011
rich meaningful and whole versions of ourselves
Hello there little blog land. Happy Summer... its starting to feel like it a little more. I have spent the last week in Boulder, Fort Collins, Idaho Springs seeing friends, playing with my sweet Kamryn, and doing lots of RYLA work. And now I am home ready to just be here some. Its funny though, all that roaming around Colorado sorta made me feel like it was just a short break. Then I got home last night and realized how much I miss that other home that I have come to love so dearly.
Home has been great, and I really haven't actually been home home much. But I have seen so many friends and been busy with RYLA planning and all the stuff that will fill my summer. And as wonderful as it is here, really I love it and I love that my best friends know me like no one else ever will, it is just such a different world.
I just talked to Cara and we talked about how the conversations are different and how people I have known for a year know me sooo well, and its just a different me that they know than the one who people know here. I guess in a way everyone at school knows the most present version of me, the me that is so excited and passionate about social justice issues and education and different cultures and seeing and doing and living every moment to the fullest. And the friends here know the life that formed me to be this person, the Michelle that loves people and is strong because she has to be and they know my life is a little different than theirs. But the conversations are just different. One is not better than the other just different because of different contexts. At school conversations regularly revolve around travel and marginalized communities and education and how we are gonna change the world. And so much of that is because my closest friends have become the ones who spend their time learning about these issues and we are in a place where we are constantly forced to think about these issues and challenge ourselves and for that I am so so so very grateful. I told Cara maybe its just because at school everything we do is so rich and meaningful and we are such whole versions of ourselves cause in our classes, at our SCCAP program and arrupe placements and even sometimes on weekends we are are constantly challenged to see things from a different perspective, to look deep within ourselves and our culture and our lifestyle and be so aware of all we have and of all the other lifestyles out there. So we are always thinking about things in a somewhat raw form, where as sometimes at home it is easy to just be.
I think a mix of the two is good. It is good to questions and think and push for change but it is also ok sometimes to let your head and heart rest and soak up the life that you have. I think that the last two years of questioning and looking at different cultures and learning about social justice has allowed me to love every moment of this life so much more. But in some ways at home, without my LUCHA kiddos and Comida and Conversation and friends always talking about different issues whether it be labor rights, international conflicts, immigration rights or education problems.. it just feels like something is missing. I know that this time at home being with myself is good for me before the plunge into four months of being pushed out of my comfort zone and seeing the pain and struggles of another culture. Of questioning where I come from and why I have so much when others have so little. I know it is good for me to just be, but this transtition from the constantly thoughtful and insightful life I live at Santa Clara to the slower less diverse life I live here is just a little bit of a slow one.
Earlier I was thinking of this year and how if I could I would write a love letter to it. It has been so very important to who I am. And just as much as it is important for me to get into the swing of the different but wonderful life that is here it is important for me to take that passion and energy and concern that I feel every moment there into this life. I need to find a way to feed that part of my soul because I know the life and energy and passion and diversity is here in this little town, the things that have become so special to me, the chance to create relationships that sometimes you would not create, that is all her, I just need to find it. And in so many ways Young RYLA feeds that part of me and it will more and more as I get to spend time with the counselors and put all the planning into action and the most once I am there watching those little faces light up. But til then I need to find something right here that can help to feed my soul.
I just was looking through my pictures from the year and I think of that girl that came into fall quarter excited somewhat sure somewhat unsure. Deciding between Spain and El Salvador. Not sure how I fit into the SCCAP community. Afraid of letting go of all that was freshmen year but excited as could be to relive that amazingness. I had no idea. I had no idea how much I would continue to change. The people that I would encounter and become best friends with. The conversations I would have that challenged me and opened me up to the world. The decisions I would make that would lead to this path I am on now that could have been so different if I had decided to study abroad in Spain and to major in Sociology and English. I know that the other options could have been equally rich and fulfilling and wonderful but just so very different. Freshmen year I thought about being independent, about passion, about community service. This year I thought about vulnerability, about healing, about self esteem, about social justice about learning from people who so often we feel we should teach, about stepping back and listening about love and about passion that comes out in such a different way than I thought it did freshmen year. I learned so much and deepened all that has been forming forever and as I always say the steps just fit together perfectly.
I am ready to be here. I am ready to make the most out of it and search for ways to feed my soul. Ways that may be different than I think. Im ready to spend time in my mountains and with that big star filled sky and think about all the things that have happened and prepare for all the beauty that is ahead of me. Im ready to be with my best friends and try to integrate the two Michelles, that deep down are so united but on the surface are still searching for the perfect balance. The conversations that I had so frequently there and at the end the vulnerability that I allowed myself to seep through to build those beautiful relationships, I need to bring that back here. I need to push myself to have the conversations that matter, cause even if they are not every day the people here get it.
My life is too beautiful for me too handle. Even when somedays tears come out unexpectedly and situations feel a little funny in my soul. I know it is all part of the plan and I know that if I have the right attitude and make it what I want of it each step will fit perfectly.
So heres to sophomore year teaching me so much, to the love that I was surrounded by, to the forming that happened, and to a summer of meshing these lives. Of feeding my soul, of processing my thoughts, of preparing for the next step.
XOXO
Home has been great, and I really haven't actually been home home much. But I have seen so many friends and been busy with RYLA planning and all the stuff that will fill my summer. And as wonderful as it is here, really I love it and I love that my best friends know me like no one else ever will, it is just such a different world.
I just talked to Cara and we talked about how the conversations are different and how people I have known for a year know me sooo well, and its just a different me that they know than the one who people know here. I guess in a way everyone at school knows the most present version of me, the me that is so excited and passionate about social justice issues and education and different cultures and seeing and doing and living every moment to the fullest. And the friends here know the life that formed me to be this person, the Michelle that loves people and is strong because she has to be and they know my life is a little different than theirs. But the conversations are just different. One is not better than the other just different because of different contexts. At school conversations regularly revolve around travel and marginalized communities and education and how we are gonna change the world. And so much of that is because my closest friends have become the ones who spend their time learning about these issues and we are in a place where we are constantly forced to think about these issues and challenge ourselves and for that I am so so so very grateful. I told Cara maybe its just because at school everything we do is so rich and meaningful and we are such whole versions of ourselves cause in our classes, at our SCCAP program and arrupe placements and even sometimes on weekends we are are constantly challenged to see things from a different perspective, to look deep within ourselves and our culture and our lifestyle and be so aware of all we have and of all the other lifestyles out there. So we are always thinking about things in a somewhat raw form, where as sometimes at home it is easy to just be.
I think a mix of the two is good. It is good to questions and think and push for change but it is also ok sometimes to let your head and heart rest and soak up the life that you have. I think that the last two years of questioning and looking at different cultures and learning about social justice has allowed me to love every moment of this life so much more. But in some ways at home, without my LUCHA kiddos and Comida and Conversation and friends always talking about different issues whether it be labor rights, international conflicts, immigration rights or education problems.. it just feels like something is missing. I know that this time at home being with myself is good for me before the plunge into four months of being pushed out of my comfort zone and seeing the pain and struggles of another culture. Of questioning where I come from and why I have so much when others have so little. I know it is good for me to just be, but this transtition from the constantly thoughtful and insightful life I live at Santa Clara to the slower less diverse life I live here is just a little bit of a slow one.
Earlier I was thinking of this year and how if I could I would write a love letter to it. It has been so very important to who I am. And just as much as it is important for me to get into the swing of the different but wonderful life that is here it is important for me to take that passion and energy and concern that I feel every moment there into this life. I need to find a way to feed that part of my soul because I know the life and energy and passion and diversity is here in this little town, the things that have become so special to me, the chance to create relationships that sometimes you would not create, that is all her, I just need to find it. And in so many ways Young RYLA feeds that part of me and it will more and more as I get to spend time with the counselors and put all the planning into action and the most once I am there watching those little faces light up. But til then I need to find something right here that can help to feed my soul.
I just was looking through my pictures from the year and I think of that girl that came into fall quarter excited somewhat sure somewhat unsure. Deciding between Spain and El Salvador. Not sure how I fit into the SCCAP community. Afraid of letting go of all that was freshmen year but excited as could be to relive that amazingness. I had no idea. I had no idea how much I would continue to change. The people that I would encounter and become best friends with. The conversations I would have that challenged me and opened me up to the world. The decisions I would make that would lead to this path I am on now that could have been so different if I had decided to study abroad in Spain and to major in Sociology and English. I know that the other options could have been equally rich and fulfilling and wonderful but just so very different. Freshmen year I thought about being independent, about passion, about community service. This year I thought about vulnerability, about healing, about self esteem, about social justice about learning from people who so often we feel we should teach, about stepping back and listening about love and about passion that comes out in such a different way than I thought it did freshmen year. I learned so much and deepened all that has been forming forever and as I always say the steps just fit together perfectly.
I am ready to be here. I am ready to make the most out of it and search for ways to feed my soul. Ways that may be different than I think. Im ready to spend time in my mountains and with that big star filled sky and think about all the things that have happened and prepare for all the beauty that is ahead of me. Im ready to be with my best friends and try to integrate the two Michelles, that deep down are so united but on the surface are still searching for the perfect balance. The conversations that I had so frequently there and at the end the vulnerability that I allowed myself to seep through to build those beautiful relationships, I need to bring that back here. I need to push myself to have the conversations that matter, cause even if they are not every day the people here get it.
My life is too beautiful for me too handle. Even when somedays tears come out unexpectedly and situations feel a little funny in my soul. I know it is all part of the plan and I know that if I have the right attitude and make it what I want of it each step will fit perfectly.
So heres to sophomore year teaching me so much, to the love that I was surrounded by, to the forming that happened, and to a summer of meshing these lives. Of feeding my soul, of processing my thoughts, of preparing for the next step.
XOXO
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I can dig it
I still havent processed.. not even a little bit. And Im much too tired to write anything profound. But I feel like if I dont do it soon enough Im gonna forget all the beauty thats been happenin in my life lately.
I can dig it...
Sophomore year ended so wonderfully. Thursday night we celebrated... danced, hugged, loved, talked about upcoming adventures and just enjoyed ourselves. Friday night Hayley and I had an epic final sophomore year life chat. We walked all around campus prepared with tea and a lots behind and ahead to think about. We stopped at our spot where so many life chats have happened, ran through the itty bitty hills and laughed like we were 6, attempted to climb trees, sat on the couches outside the solar decathalon house and made a few extra laps through the mission gardens. Its crazy that we only have two years under our belts as friends, feels like ages that we have known each other. And six months apart feels a little to long, but coming back to a room shared with her is so dang exciting.
Saturday was graduation... something that words definitely wont do justice for. The senior women in my life this year have been so important... so special, inspiring, comforting, loving, formative and so many things. They have guided me and effected me more than I will ever know and I feel so very lucky to have had them in my life this year. To Cara, Maddie, Diana, Elizabeth and Danielle... you ladies are the best in the world and I am so very excited to see all the love and beauty that you bring to the rest of the world. We laughed a lot and we cried... and that was ok. Emotions are good and I feel lucky to have a life wonderful enough that changes bring tears. I will miss this year with the best community I could ever ask for. I will miss all the time spent with Cara... the laughing, whining, dinners, department meetings, adventures, so many things. I will miss Maddies forever hugs in the SCCAP office and a love thats never ending, Diana's exploding amounts of passion, her dancing and singing... the "mmeeeessshhh" and a the best hug that leads to a benson lunch I cant deny. I will miss Eli's love and sass.. that way she can make me laugh like none other and yoga with Danielle, the sass that comes in full swing when we're together and a super great relationship that started with a great conversation at the fall retreat. I will miss mass with these girls, their smiles and hugs and encouragement, their wisdom that seems so very knowledgable and helpful when I need it the most. But more than anything else I just feel so very thankful that I had this past year to learn so much from them. To aspire to be them, to learn about love, strength, passion, vulnerability and all these things that I know will help to form me. Thank you girls, you are the best ever and I will miss you dearly.
Sunday I hiked with Jesse and Kylie and the next couple days I just hung out, relaxed, said bye to people and it was so great. So many times I leave school stressed and with no sleep and it feels so emotional and silly. Giving myself sometime after all the packing was done just to see people and say goodbyes and relax a little was so great. I spent great time with Cara and Danielle dying laughing about stupid videos and had such a wonderful sleepover with DBu.. just what I needed to kick off my summer.
It was a perfect end to an even better year. Words cannot describe this year. So meaningful and influential, overflowing with so many things and just rich and full as can be. Such a good year. Always a little hard to say goodbye bWut each year I learn that each new always makes up for the ping in my heart of letting go of the old... life goes how its supposed to.. I really believe that.
Home has welcomed me home so wonderfully. The boys were home when I got here Wednesday and we drove up some narrow dirt roads to take in the view, Zachy played some guitar and we just looked at the big beautiful mountains that surrounded us. We made burritos and ate with our parents, hot tubbed and then took a fun walk home. Spent some quality time with my mama and we had a great talk. I wish i could give her the world, she is so strong and deserves so much but somehow life keeps a comin at her. I wish I could give her the life she has given me and I wish the pieces would all fit together a little. We spent the night in Summit, had some BBQ challenge and spent last night in Boulder and tonight in Fort Collins.
I left one beautiful place teeming with amazing friends for another. This little life and this tight crew of best friends I have here is so dang special and one of a kind. Its so comfortable to come home to this even if the conversations are different, it is home. And for now it feels right. In a week I might be sick of this little town but for now I am loving it. I get to see Mindy and Kam tomorrow and cannot wait. We had another get together for Young RYLA today and its all starting to feel a little more real.
All of this is crazy and exciting and my brains been too distracted with all the wonderfulness of this life to stop and over think too much.
This life is good, and I sure can dig it. XOXOXO
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