Grateful

As I lay in bed reading “Where is God” and trying to compartmentalize how I will get everything that I need to done I cannot help but think how little time we have left here. My room is so cozy, so mine, so exactly how I want it, and in less than two weeks I will have to pack it all up and leave, not just this room, this house, this community, but this entire country. And those words hurt my heart more than I ever thought they would, they dig deep, bring tears to my eyes and make me want to curl up and avoid reality for as long as I can.

Sister Peggy said it, and my mom, so motherly repeated it, “You just have to be grateful for this experience”… despite the slight defense that comes o (I am grateful but that wont make me miss them less) I get it. And I am incredibly grateful. And last week was Thanksgiving. And I have so much I need to say, and only can think of how little time I have left to say it.

My family came to El Salvador. Mom, Jesse and Kylie. They came to praxis, we went to the volcano, the UCA, the Cathedral, Romero dinner and other fun stuff in between. We had wonderful conversations, about poverty in El Salvador, about healing and about wedding plans.

I cant believe they were here and now they are gone. I am so incredibly grateful they were able to come, to see this world, this family, this me that has come out of all this. And I guess when I think about it that’s really the most important. Jesse and Kylie got it, they dove right in and listened and watched and questioned. And mom was here, the first time ever with a passport, opening her eyes a little wider, loving on me, and doing her best to understand. Right now it doesn’t seem life shattering but I think when I look back on this experience and the fact that they were able to come I will jump for joy.

The most special moment was Tuesday night at Spirituality Night. At first I sat next to Jesse and Kylie worrying that it would be akward.. that maybe we should have skipped this. We read a poem about gratitude, had some time to think and write and then could share if we wanted. I really didn’t know what to expect and all three of them left me with tears streaming down my face. Tears do not fall from my eyes open in public, when I went to Santa Clara it was like my tear ducts were dried up and fully equipped to keep it all deep inside. Even with all the healing and honesty that has happened here I just don’t cry a lot. I cried the most Ive cried in a reflection here after each of them shared. They all talked about being here with me, family, and Jesse said “to see the love and growth that is in you” and I buried my head in my knees and cried.

I wrote love in the center of my leaf of gratitude and I wasn’t even sure why. But as I watched my mom, my brother and my soon to be sister in law express their gratitude for me, each other and this life, I realized that love really is the base of it all, the base of continuing, the base of happiness. I cannot say that the past twenty years have been easy, there were hard and painful times, sometimes it seemed like there was nothing else to do other than survive, I was angry, sad, hurt and so many things. But since forever I was full to the brim with love, a love that left me hanging on in the pain and confusion, that allowed me to trust that things would turn out ok, that let there be sunshine at the end of the rainstorm.

A love that got me here to this place where I have learned even more about love. I have plenty of days left and I want to be right here in every moment of those days left. For my praxis project I did a video about Christopher, the 3 year old who has taught me so much about love. From the community that has allowed me to feel and in turn to heal.

My heart is full of emotions that I don’t quite know how to organize, ones Im not sure if I should feel or not feel, one so much that I need time to process. For now though I am so incredibly thankful my family was able to come visit me, to see this world, the whitness the chaos of this house, the beauty of that itty bitty Canton that has broke open my heart, and hopefully to get a glimpse of something that has built inside me in the last 3 and a half months.

I am grateful for the love, support, life I have found here. And more than anything I am grateful that its not over yet.

Day 3: accepting not understanding and living in love

Buenos Dias world.

Its been a while… we have been running non stop here and in the midst of it it felt like nothing big was really happening but it has been such a special two weeks.

My heart is so deeply rooted in this place and as I have told my family at Cedro, “quiero quedar aqui por el resto de mi vida”… I wanna stay here forever. 

The last two weeks have been crazy busy but have been full of celebration, love, time with the becarios and trying to find a place for the suffering of the rain and the weeks before vacation inside my head and heart.

This country knows how to celebrate and it is such a beautiful thing.

Wednesday after vacation was Dia de los Disfuntos and at first we thought we would have to take the day of praxis. Schools are closed, people don’t have to work and everyone goes with their family to visit the loved ones that have passed away. Then Santos, the main woman at the Comedor who is like a wonderful mother to us, invited us to join her family, such a special invitation. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. On the way to the cemetery the roads were packed with vendors selling flowers, paint, food and all sorts of decorations. We walked into the cemetery and I had never seen any thing like it. The whole cemetery was overflowing with people, loud and a little chaotic but such a special celebration. It was so different than anything I have ever seen at home but so amazing. Death is painful and somber but it is also celebrated, life is celebrated and loud and bright and talked about. It was such a special thing to be a part of and just another reminder of how well in touch this country with the juxtaposition of suffering and beauty, pain and celebration… the truth that makes up life that we so often hide from at home.

Saturday night we celebrated Suzy (one of the becario’s) graduation. Heidi and Grace’s house was lit by Christmas lights and candles and filled with us, becarios and family and friends. We ate and people said a few words to Suzy, congratulating her and explaining to the rest of us how special she is and we finished the night dancing, a million times more comfortable then we were dancing at our welcome party two and a half months ago. I didn’t even really know Suzy before and almost didn’t go but spent the night feeling so connected and part of such a wonderfully special family that we have created here. It was such an important celebration and such a huge success for Suzy and for the whole becario family. Going to university is not an automatic obvious next step here and graduating is even more special. Something that means a lot of hard work, sacrifice and commitment that the becarios show us everyday.  We came home and sat together wishing we never had to go home, this place is special in ways that I cant even describe but can feel in my veins day after day.

Sunday we got up early to go visit Rigo’s house. One of the two becarios that live with us. We were tired and a little resistant to another long day but it turned out to be so special. We met his family, saw his home and drove up to the coffee factory that he worked at some before coming to the capital to study. We were riding in the back of a pick up truck overlooking the beautiful green mountainous landscape that is El Salvador and I was just amazed by this life. A feeling that keeps coming back to me this last couple weeks. How on earth am I in El Salvador with a group of people that has become family, speaking Spanish and seeing the reality of people that are so close to me and have come from lives that in some ways are so different than mine.

We just read Holy the Firm for Praxis, a book by Annie Dillard that at first I whined to Quentin about not understanding but now cant not stop thinking about it. The book is short and sweet and describes three days which she considers Gods. Each day is her journey of understanding this world. First she is young, maybe slightly naïve and just breath taken by the beauty of this world. The second day she starts to question everything, things whatever higher power there is is nothing but a power loving flame that has no interest in the well being of the people and on the third day she starts to see the world a little differently, from a place of a little more balance and wholeness. I think life is a continous back and forth of seeing life through all these views and in this experience it has been so relevant. When I stood on the back of that pick up truck I was in day one, so incredibly taken by this life in all its beauty and the ability of humans to be connected by love despite the layers and layers of differences.

Yesterday was the Vigil for the six jesuits that were killed in 1989. A huge blow to the faith, hope and struggle of this country for justice and equality during the brutal civil war. The people of this country are so greatly effected and deeply pained by this loss it is something that will stay with them for as long as they live, and hopefully will continue to inspire generations behind them who have only heard the stories. We knew it would be a big day but I had no idea how amazing it would be. It started with a soccer tournament that I secretly hoped would end after one lost game so I could spend the day exploring the other fun stuff that was happening. We ended up winning two games and both of our own Casa women’s teams played against each other for the championship. My team lost in the last two minutes but it was a total blast. Jesse and Kylie came in during their layover and it was so incredibly wonderful to see them and show them a little ounce of this world, ths family that I have created here. We went home tired, excited and ready for a nap before we headed back for the night.

It seemed a little scrambled at first but already I was feeling an amazement of being in El Salvador and part of something so important and special. We lit candles and walked in a huge circle around the UCA campus ending by walking over the salt rugs or alfombras that had different groups spent hours working on during the day. There were thousands of people there, from all over the world but all there to celebrate the lives of the martyrs and to hold onto their strength and motivation, to become some part of that and to continue to fight for something better. After the candle light vigil was a mass on a huge stage with thousands of people sitting and standing in the parking lot to listen. The rector of the UCA talked rawly about the reality of this country, violence, poverty, vulnerability and pain. And then about our responsibility to continue to work for equality and peace. To fight for the rights of the poor, to create a civilization of something other than capitalism and to live in love. I stood between Maddie and Diana, women who have been so important in my growth since joining SCCAP last year and was overcome with a  feeling I cant quite describe. It was a day three experience. We were talking freely about the true pain and suffering that exists in this country. Something that we so often avoid at home. As Annie Dillard explains suffering is so much apart of this life and we cannot resist it by constantly needing to understand why. She calls it God, I call it the Universe, and there is a million other names, but there is something bigger out there, something that we will never be able to understand, so all we can do is live in love as one human race continue to work together to better the struggles that are faced world wide. Last night I felt that, a huge group of people together facing the reality of this life but commiting themselves to working for change through love, in whatever words they define that for themselves. “Love is a reason to exist” says the song on my computer right now… that’s what Im learning about here. Love in a way that I had never understood it before. Love that radiates all the way through you and moves you to work for change and with others as one cause as Dillard explains in Holy the Firm, “we are just us” and that is enough to keep on walking together.

The first part of this experience was a lot of day one. Amazement at this country, its joyfulness, welcoming spirit and faith. Excitement of all the new and exciting. Then slowly we started to truly understand the reality and the rain was the icing on the cake. Things didn’t make any sense. My heart beat a million miles an hour at community night as I tried to find words for the despair and confusion that was dictating my being. Frustration, anger and sadness was all I could find in trying to understand why the people I had fallen in love with were suffering so greatly from something that is worldwide…rain. In the meantime I couldn’t understand my own pain and suffering, I couldn’t understand how I would ever stop processing and find peace. I all out felt out of control. The last couple weeks has been a little bit numb trying to figure out how to make that all in to one. And no I don’t have it all figured out but I think it is a matter of coming to Day Three. Of accepting the fact that I will never have it all figured out and will forever be on this journey, that there is suffering and pain but that it is so beautifully contrasted by love and faith. And that if we can continue to truly understanding that suffering, that love and each other we can make a little bit of difference, even if for now its only in my heart. Eventually it will come into something more.

I feel so rooted, comfortable and happy here. This family is amazing and I cannot even wrap my mind around how fortunate I am to be here. I am learning and growing so much. Feeling so much love. And I never want to let go. Lately we cant help but acknowledge the fact that this program is going to end and we are going to have to go home. And that might be the hardest part about this all. But as I told Maddie, its sort of a challenge, you had this amazing experience, but now what are you going to do with it? But it’s a scary scary challenge, this place has permeated my heart and soul and I love it with all that I can understand… and somehow I gotta take it home with me. But we have a month left and every moment is so full and amazing and wonderful. So Im gonna keep holding on, reveling in the amaziness of this experience and letting myself continue to grow and learn. Cause even when I think its stagnant so much is happening inside me.

My mommy will be here soon and Jes and Kylie will be back. Im so excited to show them this life. And I am so incredibly grateful for the time I have here. And to the love I have at home that will always be there to make these transitions possible…

Sorry for the novel.. I try to be more frequent so they aren’t so long. XOXOXO

rain, pain, sun, lightness and everything in between

Hello world... you might have forgotten me because its been so dang long.

Im sitting in a hammock over looking a beautiful lake high on the beauty that is this life and vacation with four out of this world women. We've been exploring, yogaing, reading, pooling, drinkin vino, eatin delicious grub and just soakin up life. We need it.

My heart feels really good, and my head is full of questions.

These last few weeks have almost been a blur. And the feeling of lightness that has returned is so welcome in my heart. Cause it was hurting hard for a few weeks.

The rain came... and it just kept coming. And we were introduced to a strength of emotions we didnt even know existed inside us. A love for Cedro and the people of El Salvador. A frustration and anger towards the inequality of this world. A helplessness. A fear of loss and pain. And just as the rain came it seemed some things inside me were bubbling up. And all I could do was feel it all. And it felt heavy and hard and like I just couldn't shake this funk I was carrying around. I was trying so hard to figure me out and trying to figure out my place in this world. Trying to love better and more and understand it all. And the people around me... they were all doing the same. Feeling the pain of fear and worry and love. Trying to figure out how we should respond, what can we do when this world brings rain and some people suffer greater than others can ever imagine. And how when we are feeling it all down to the core, and tears sit full in our eyes waiting at every moment to spill out, and we are scared and worried and feeling heavy, how do we love the people around us more. It was tense in the houses, the most it has been yet and we were all emotional and stressed and just a little lost. Two community nights in a row during check in we all talked about our funks, I teared up explaining how I am learning how to feel emotions and feeling these so deep and am not quite sure what it all means. And we tried with all our might to love each other and keep laughing and find a balance... and it was hard. But I think sometimes you have to sit through the rain... whether its about being in solidarity or about better understanding yourself or the world. I cannot lie and say it wasn't really really painful. It was... like more than I can put into words... but thats part of being human. And for me.. its a step in learning to feel my emotions. And finding the balance between letting the pain that this world experiences seep in and holding on to hope and love and making change in a positive way.

And the second part... thats what this week has been about.

Maddie showed up Friday night. She was SCCAP Director last year and one of the amazing senior women that became such strong mentors, friends, and homes for me. She couldnt have come at a better time. We laid on her maitress on the floor for hours and we talked about it all. What Im finding in me and seeing out of me. And what it all means. To be delicate with yourself and the world and to not let the pain or confusion or whatever it may be define you. But to see it and feel it and keep rolling with it. And we talked about loving more and how hard it is to be in a group of 25 people you dont actually know that well when things get tough. And about the suffering in this world. And about how she saw it all on her trips to South Africa and India.. and my heart started to feel a little better. And Quentin came home and said "Its so good to have Maddie here, I can see it in Michelle"... she brought some life back to me and reminded me that pain comes with beauty and thats what this life is all about.

Sunday Quentin, Maddie and I went on an amazing adventure to the Volcano in San Salvador. Another day of just what I needed (sorry in advance... thats the theme of this week). I just felt SO at home... a feeling I havent felt in a while. Just easy and loved and able to trust and relax and just be me. Cause no matter how out of the world the people here are.. we really havent known each other that long and we are navigating so much. But with them I just feel at home and we could just laugh so hard as we slid down rocks walking down into the crater, and talk about living this life right and just be the realest of real together. We had the best most ridiculous brunch ever, then made our way partway down the crater of the volcano and it was absolutely insane. I have never been in a volcano before and it was just this HUGE hole in the middle of the mountain. We didnt make it all the way down but the adventure was well worth it and absolutely ridiculous. We finished the night with papusas and pan dulce and a talk about love... and it was just SO good.

Monday I headed off to Cedro.. anxious to get there and almost unable to believe that we were really going. We stopped at Super Selectos to buy some basic food items for the families with the money that so many people at home, especially Summit Rotary so kindly sent my way to help in this scary time of need. When we finally showed up I was reminded of the love and resiliency that is overflowing in this country. We hugged the kids and the moms and asked how everything was. People were shaken but forever continue to walk with the most strength I have ever known. Some walls in houses had fallen, many days of work were missed, crops were ruined and some families went a few days with out food. We went back to our families that we stayed with during praxis weekend and were showered in love. Nina Reina's family told me "Vamos a extranar le cuando regresar a su pais" and invited me to come back whenever I want and told me they wished I could stay all week. It was so comfortable after already being there once and we laughed and snuggled and didnt even need to have meaningful conversations to feel how meaningful it was. The next day Claire and I sat as a mom cried and told us part of her house had fallen, her family had gone without food and they are still unable to find work. Our hearts broke listening but as always the reassure us, telling them that their hijos and dios help them to continue always. To be strong and hopeful.  Then we did an activity with the kids, read a book to them about rainbows and explained how just like rainbows need sun and rain so does the earth. Then they folded a piece of paper in half and drew how they felt and what they did during the rain on one side and how they felt after the rain on the other said. They said they were scared that there houses would fall or the river would overflow, the were cold, hungry and slept a lot cause they really had nothing else to do. Then when the sun came up they talked about being able to come to school, play outside and their parents being able to work. And just like Ive said five kajillion times it was heart breaking and amazing all at the same time. And so special to just ask them how they felt. I dont think they are asked that a lot. The rest of the time was so good and I realized... as someone probably could have told me I would. That in reality I needed Cedro more than they needed me. Yea they are struggling and will have a hard year and whatever ways we can give them help is so important, but their hearts are strong and their optimism reminded me to lift my head. And while I sat in the evangelical church with the fam, my brain going a million miles an hour cause I cant keep up with the singing and chanting.. I wondered what my place is in this world. And how can I even make a difference when there is so much I dont understand. And then the girls leaned over and asked if I wanted one of their bracelets. And reminded me that really.. its just all about love. And that is what El Salvador is teaching me.. to love and receive love like I have never known how before.

I came home Wednesday night to a quiet house with most people gone on vacation and Beth, Claire and I headed up to Suchi to meet Maddie and Margot. And we were welcomed into this quiet little peaceful town. A town that was so incredibly full of suffering during the war but now is quaint and cozy. We are staying in this great little hostel over looking the lake and we are pigging out on life. Just feeding our souls, relaxing and letting ourselves be on vacation. And it is the most wonderful thing in the world. And because the people in this program are absolutely out of this world. Our conversations about our place in all this, about how we will make a difference, about how to love more are constant. And I have a million questions, and the fewest answers I have ever had in my life. But Im into the journey and the learning and feeling and growing.

And this 4 months is flying by, we are more than half way done. And the scary conversation of coming home is seeping into our minds.. and we are scared and worried. Scared of the feeling of falling in love and having to let go, scared of figuring out how best to incorporate in into our lives. And more than anything else just wanting to soak up all the time we have left. So... heres to the rest of my time here, to feeling it all, sitting with the pain and letting the lightness in when its time, to holding on to faith and hope, to loving with everything I have and continuing to learn and grown. Thanks for listening.

Also... there are big things happening in the Maddex family in the states. And I feel far away for not being able to celebrate. Jesse and Kylie got engaged! Congratulations a million times over, I am so excited for you both. I could hear the happiness in their voices when I called to congratulate after I heard over email. I so badly wish I could celebrate with them but am so excited for all the planning, festivities and life that is to come. Congrats, I love you both!

This is a really good life, and somehow in all the scary we have to find that. And share it. And not forget about the people who are struggling more than us. And figure a lot out... but it feels good to have the questions and feel my brain and heart stretching. And to know this is only the beginning.

Happy day... I love you people of my soul! XOXOXO

El Salvador's State of Calamity

                                                                                                            October 19^th, 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

            Today marks eight straight days of rain here in El Salvador. Most of the time it has been hard rain, pounding against the ground and affecting the Salvadoran people in ways most of us could have never imagined. Rain here is something completely different than the rain we know in the United States. Thirty-eight people have died, at least six are unaccounted for and more than thirty thousand people have been evacuated from their homes.  These are people that myself and the other students in my program have fallen in love with and we are feeling their pain with them more than we could have ever expected.

            One of the most important parts of this program is our praxis sites. I have spent two days a week for the last two months in a rural coffee growing town called Cedro. We spend our mornings with the kindergarten class, help in the community kitchen during lunch and visit families in the afternoons to better understand where they are coming from. Although it may seem like a small amount of time, Cedro has become my home here in El Salvador. When we walk down the road people say hello from scattered houses, the women are like aunts to us and the kids have completely stolen my heart. Every day at Cedro is a mix of heart breaking and beautiful as we come to further understand their suffering and are simultaneously amazed by the faith and joy they continue to hold onto. I have not been to Cedro for a week and a half now because of the rain and my heart is broken at the thought of the extreme suffering they are now experiencing.

            When we call them they tell us “we are cold, wet and scared” some are out of food in their houses and are relying on the one meal a day that the community kitchen can supply them. Many cannot get there because of the four feet of rain that has fallen and turned the roads to mud. Landslides and falling trees are constant and make the roads extremely dangerous. Walls in some of the homes have fallen and many families are living in the school for the time being. Other homes have rivers running through them and leaks coming from they ceiling. They tell us they have no dry clothes and soon they will run out of food.

            Many people work in the fields and others travel to the city everyday to find work. The road to the city is in shambles and people are unable to get in or out of Cedro to work. Almost more detrimental is that the rain has ruined much of the food in the fields. Corn is saturated with water and coffee beans that have just started to ripen have fallen from trees and been washed away by the rain.

            Right now the people are suffering immensely, unable to bring in any money let alone food or warmth for their families. Yesterday we saw the first hint of blue sky in eight days, and today the rain is back. Yet even when the rain does stop, they have only overcome the beginning of all the challenges that are to come. Houses and roads need rebuilt, families are behind because of the vital days of work they have missed and parts of their fields will be ruined until next season.

            Here in the Casa’s we are struggling at our inability to do much for the people that we love. My site is physically unreachable and others are unable to be with the people they love because of safety issues. We know we are not here to fix things and do not want to be the saviors but the country has declared a state of calamity and in these moments they need us more than ever. I am asking for your support in whatever form you can give. Love, thoughts and prayers are highly appreciated in themselves. If you or your place of work or study is able to donate financially you will help the people of El Salvador survive a crisis they deserve no more than any other part of the world. Rain should not have the power to kill and displace people from their homes. I think as members of this global community it is our responsibility to be aware of what is happening and to support each other in times of crisis.

            Please contact me if you are interested in donating financially. You can either donate to disaster relief for the country as a whole or to Cedro specifically. The most effective way to benefit my community itself is for the money to come straight to me.  I can keep track of the money and put it to what the community needs most at the time. I will be able to keep the receipts and tell you exactly where the money is going. My group and I will be gathering food and clothes to get to them as soon as possible and if money allows we will continue to support them through reconstruction. We will be spending part of our vacation next week in Cedro so we can accompany the people through this hard time.  If you are more comfortable donating to the country as a whole you may do so through votb.org. Any money that I receive for Cedro that is not needed will also go straight to this organization. If you would like more information contact me or look into our local newspapers, La Prensa Grafica or El Diario de Hoy. If you know anyone who may be interested in donating please feel free to pass this letter on.  

            Many thanks for your time and any help you are able to give. It is greatly appreciated!

With Love and Gratitude,

Michelle

Rain, love, pain, tears and frustration

I wrote about this stuff getting heavy a couple days ago (scroll down… didn’t get to post it til today) about being safe, and now my heart is thinking about a whole new kind of safe.

And it has only started to weigh on me more. My heart hurts today. My eyes feel full of tears and I am so worried about the people who have become such a part of my soul here.

First let me introduce you to some special people.

Christopher… 2 years old. Big brown eyes, spiked hair, cutest “I did something wrong” grin, full body giggle, pants that don’t fit him and so much love in his heart. He rode on my shoulders and laughed the whole time, kissed me on the cheek after I put lip gloss on his lips, giggled with me while we rode the scariest toy in the world together and runs from me when I chase him to love on him and plant besos all over his adorable little face.

Nina Santos, her eyes are young, her face looks weathered, her soul is full of love and wisdom. Everyday she walks 45 minutes up hill to come to the Comedor. She cooks and organizes the woman and makes everything run as it should. She loves us and welcomes us with the best hugs every Monday and Wednesday. She sits at the lunch table with us and laughs with us and then lets us into the pain and beauty and truth of her life. Of being a woman and working all day then going home only to work more. Of her father who was an alcoholic. Of not being paid enough. Of supporting her children to go to school even though she couldn’t. She tells us we are the best they’ve had. She tells us when it rains they don’t have drinking water or water to bathe in because they use the river water and after rain it is dirty for days. She is Christopher’s grandmother.

Dorotea, a women who cares for children and grandchildren both. Who has experienced so much pain. Who relies on the 5 am bus ride to the city for her grandson to work during the week and for her to work twice a week to buy food for the family. She cries as she tells us the story, with her two daughters younger than me sitting next to her with their babies and her grandchildren who lost their mom listening on. Knowing the pain, feeling it with her, holding her as she shares the pain.

Nina Reina, my mom during Praxis weekend. Always smiling and loving taking care of her family. She cooks and cleans and loves them. She laughs with and at me all the time at the Comedor. She is the strongest, the most beautiful and loves like none other.

The list goes on of these beautiful amazing people that I love. Love them with me. Imagine them as part of your heart and your family. Imagine them just as you do each other, best friends, family, inspirations. Please, try to think of them as people who are close to you, not just as people, far away in a different country.

It has been raining since Monday. The hardest and longest rain I have experienced. And we are cozy in our homes with warm socks and blankets and hot tea.

These people that I have come to love are not.

They do not have houses that protect them from the rain. Water leaks from the ceilings and comes in through the makeshift doors. They do not have enough blankets. No heat source. They cannot leave their houses. Landfalls block their roads which are already in ruins because of the rain. Crops are uprooted. Days of work are lost. Rivers of trash run through their yards and sometimes their homes. People are killed in these storms.

First I was sad and heart broken and worried. I couldn’t go to Cedro on Wednesday because the road was too much of a mess to get there. That’s when I realized how much I love these people, how much I rely on them to give me hope in all of this pain. Because yes they may be matierally poor but they are the richest when it comes to faith, joy, love and hope. They have it in a way that I have never understood and they spread it to us.

Today when I woke up and it was still raining I got angry. They are not protected from nature that the whole world has to experience. They are cold and hungry, wet, unable to work, stuck in their homes and have no refuge. The lives they live are completely unjust. We have big tv’s, nice cars, more clothes than we know what to do with and think of rainy days as fun and cozy. That is bull crap. It is not fair that some people in this world have so much while others don’t have enough to survive a natural strom. I am mad at the United States, I am mad at myself. I am mad that this world is so unequal for reasons that I can never understand.

I have fallen in love with these people, the same way I love friends and family at home. Because they are exactly the same. Full of love and with so much to give, here for me, special to share with, beautiful and human. And for that same reason they should have the same. They should have access to houses that protect them from the rain, streets and crops that aren’t ruined because of the rain. One big screen tv could fix the houses of so many to protect them. But ya know why we have so much and they have so little.. because every time we hear about a people that are suffering, they are just a distant group of people. That we can dehumanize and feel for for a mere second and then move on with our lives.

Its not so easy when you know them and love them. When they are your family. When they give you hope and love and faith in incredible amounts. When they teach you and hold you and mean the world to you.

Rain is not something that is just fun and cozy or an excuse not to go outside or something that lets us wear fun colored rain boots and curl up and watch movies. Rain is life or death for so many parts of this world, so many more than just Cedro. And it is not ok that we can spend money on things that are completely unnecessary and continue to search for more when they don’t even have enough to survive through a storm. We cannot continue to just live like this, in our bubble, disconnected and desensitizing the people that are far away from us.

We need to fall in love with people so we can understand the truth of this pain, we need to go outside of ourselves, we need to rethink our priorities and work for social justice, equality, protection and love across the world. We can no longer support flat screen tv’s and luxury cars and extravagant vacations and designer shoes when people do not have homes.

And I cannot just be angry and heart broken. I have to find a way to make this meaningful. I have to find a way to run with this love and hope and keep it with me. They give me hope and love, they teach me to hold on and find meaning and have faith. But sometime I will have to leave them. And just without seeing them for four days I am down in the dumps, angry at the conditions and equality of this world, in tears that I cannot be with them and that this life is so painful. But I will leave them for a long time before I know it and I think part of my responsibility is learning how to balance this anger, pain, sadness and awareness of the injustice with a hope and faith that change can come. I have to find a balance between using this frustration to create change but not letting it debilitate me, cause that is not the point.

So for now this is the best I do. Try to imagine these people. Try to imagine the injustice they are experiencing. Think of the way you react to rain and then think of how it affects others. Think of how they way you live your life affects the way others do. Try to find something in you that can change, that can give and love and understand more. Because that bubble that we live in is not reality. And it is not fair that we live in it. Im going to say it again, come to El Salvador or any other place in the world that can teach you all of this, they will find their way into your heart and you will never ever be the same.

And this is the quote waiting for me when I open my email..

“Today we are faced with a challenge that calls for a shift in our thinking, so that humanity stops threatening its life-support system. We are called to assist the Earth to heal her wounds and in the process heal our own - indeed to embrace the whole of creation in all its diversity, beauty and wonder. Recognizing that sustainable development, democracy and peace are indivisible is an idea whose time has come.”

Safe...

Its pooring rain outside. It hasn’t stopped all day. Its cozy in some ways and dreary in some too.

I talked to Jesse last night and told him… it’s getting kind of heavy here.

I owe you amazing readers some deep down genuinity.. if that’s what I am searching for in this life.

Campo week was really amazing, and when I look back on it I see so much love, simplicity, happiness and just comfort.

Coming home has been a little hard. There has been a little lump swimming in and out of my throat since we drove up on Friday. I walked into Katherine and Emily’s room… Im in a funk I told them. We talked about trying to get back into this life, about being emotional and about being homesick but not quite knowing for what.

Both Friday and Saturday night we sat in the sala trying to understand what was happening in our hearts. What is this feeling? What does it mean to come back? To leave that family behind? To be here? To miss home? What is the future and what is now? How do we continue to make these wonderful special connections and than have to move on?  We all craved a good cry. The emotions in this life are piling high in our little hearts, every minute my heart fills so full almost about to overflow. Those emotions continue to explode in laughter, but some part of me knows that eventually the tears are gonna flow.

We see so much beauty and so much pain. Everyday the reality of this country seeps into our souls deeper. And the reality of our own individual suffering comes up out of us. For whatever reason in this context it just all bubbles up out of me.

Sunday we had our campo reflection. We started by listening to a song about walking hand in hand together in this life. Images of our walk home from the centro, holding Abuelita’s hand, talking about the luck of Juan’s life with him, jumping at the thought of a snake and everyone dying laughing and the last walk back to the center Mami grabbing our hands, el ultimo camino con mis hijas she told us. Images of the week flashed through my head, almost like it was a dream. So real, so much love, so nearly unbelievable in all its beauty. And now we are home.

When the song stopped my mind went blank, there were not words to describe the moments, thoughts, emotions flashing through my soul. Slowly people shared. About the stories they heard, the love they felt, the questions they found and the struggles they have had coming home. I teared up and then pulled myself together again and again. I don’t even quite know why, this life is just big.

Finally I opened my mouth to word vomit about the idea of meaning in this life. Why are we always searching and what for? Why isn’t it just enough like it is for them? And how come we have the opportunity to be searching for meaning while they don’t? Then I closed my mouth… not even sure if I made any sense.

I listened to everyone else’s thoughts, let them sit deep inside and questioned my own thoughts. Wondering if I was thinking the right things. Hurting at the idea of never seeing that family again. Looking around the room and feeling the love I have for every single person in this community explode out of me. Scared to let go of this understanding, scared to go back to a different life that in some ways is so distant from my bed in Mami and Papi’s house in Carasque.

Someone reflected on just trying to find the beauty in all this. The nature of this program is too short, but isn’t something better than nothing? Arent we so very lucky to be alive and here and soaking all this up. Exactly what I had been wondering if it was ok to be thinking. My heart was comforted. And again and again we all teared up as others shared. Then Laura shared… she talked about being safe. About feeling safe with Emily and Chepa and Felipe in the Campo… and what it means to not feel safe. And the tears fell and something in me was ignited.

I dunno if I want to put this on paper. But feeling safe is something we each have a right to in this world. And I’m sure each and everyone of us has experienced the feeling of safe and the feeling of unsafe. Some more than others.

Since I have been here I have spent so much time looking at myself. I feel like I have figured out so much about how I have gotten here. What it means to be Michelle in this life. But being here… it has been so easy to look at myself, to become more and more genuine and to let this world into what I’m finding. And already, I wonder how this Michelle will live in that life at home. Of course my heart and soul and so much of me is the same. I just know a little bit more about what makes me feel and have seen a little different part of this world. And I hope with everything I have that I can mesh it all with life at home.

So Ive been thinking about safety. About nights as a little one and even nights not that long ago crying myself to sleep. Trying to figure out the scary stuff in this life. And trying to find comfort. And then I think about this long long list of people and places that make me feel safe and my heart is the warmest. And then I think of here and try to figure out what it means to feel safe here, in a group of people I’ve known for 7 weeks, so many miles away from home. And so often I do, but every now and then I crave safe spots at home. Moments that are absolutely real with my mom and life chats with Hayley and days sitting on Susan and Jims couch or playing with Kamryn or at Young RYLA or on SCCAP retreats or at Cara’s eating dinner and dancing in the kitchen.

And then I think finding those spaces everywhere I go is the special thing about this life. That you can find them and create them. And then so appreciate them. I have those spaces here and I am so thankful for them. And just like no matter where I am in the world sometimes I crave those so familiar ones that with time have become the easiest. And my heart aches a little.

And then I hear “a cantar” and a group of hands waiting for me to come sing before dinner. And I feel safe.

Campo Week

Campo week is over… we’ve been home since Friday in the comforts of this wonderful little place… emotions are so up and down and all over the place as we all try to process the week and get back into this lifestyle. It was an amazing week full of thinking and learning and for me, so very much love. From the first dinner Steph and I had with Juan and Mirtalla she called us hijas (daughters) and they treated us so wonderfully. We listened and struggled  and questioned and laughed a whole lot. Its hard to make words for so Im gonna put in some excerpts from my journal… more raw than my usual blogging but just a little in to where my head was at as the week went on.

People are talking about purpose, about this week being stupid or something else. I don’t want to think of it that way. I just want to be here learning, listening, seeing, asking, creating realtionships…

Our little 350 people town of Carasque in the mountains was celebrating San Francisco de Asis this week so we spent a lot of time together and the questioning was at an all time high… we have been ingrained to think this way and I know its positive but I struggled to just be present and take it for what it was.. something I think we have lost as a society.  We spent the first two days trying to figure out our place in all of it…

How do we live such different lives and what does that mean? Slash are our lives really that different? Is it ok to ask questions or are we intruding? I really just wanna be here and not overthink it all but for some reason that’s impossible and I wonder if thats an Americaly ingrained flaw… to not be able to just be. I wonder if they over think things, are they looking for meaning in their life, or is it just what it is?

What does it mean to search for meaning in your life? From the day I got to Carasque I wondered if they were searching for meaning or if they had found it or if it didn’t even matter. How can this life be enough? Slowly I realized.. maybe it really is just enough.

I wonder if we all lived like this would people be happier? I guess I can never know forsure but Juan and Mirtalla, they really seem happy to me. We talked with them last night after dinner about all sorts of life things. The war, faith, happiness and what they think about us being here. Jaun told us that life here is 1000 times better than living in the city. The view, the simplicity, his friends and family and being able mostly to sustain themselves off their plants and animals makes him really happy.

We look at Yamilec (20) and wonder if she’s happy staying here in this little life and never seeing much different. But maybe she really is. Maybe this is enough. I feel like we are socialized to think nothing is ever enough and we always have to go bigger, find, see and learn more. Maybe all we need to do is find happiness.. but don’t we also need to live for and with others. Is it selfish just to find happiness for ourselves when so many around us are struggling?  And maybe we are all meant to do different things…cause somehow our capitalistic society has to sustain itself right? I wonder what it would be like if we were living for a civilization of poverty instead of capitalism. Or just happiness, relationship, strength.

Wednesday we finally got to spend the whole day with our family. The day was slow, we woke up to all the noises of the animals and of Mami miking the cow. We tried to help but mostly just whitnessed their daily routine, milking and feeding the cow, taking care of the chickens, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes. We read and relaxed and chatted with them. They showed us around took us on a beautiful walk to get fish and we just soaked in all the beauty of this lifestyle. I felt so grateful. The purpose of us being there became more and more obvious and slowly I started to find a few conclusions in my head, each with another question attached

I remember sitting in the SCCAP office and Drew saying we probably would end up just asking more questions. And I think that’s totally true, Im asking so many questions. And I think through questions Ill find answers. But also sometimes I just want to live. With people in this life. As a human soaking it all up. And I think I can find ways to create change and for and with others while Im still just living in this life. That actually is probably the best way I can do it.

Being here is making me think of the Blue Sweater, of my major “International Development”, of my future, of creating change. And of doing that the right way by learning with the people.

I think that’s the point, questioning, answering and continuing to question. But also, figuring out how to just be and share with people. I think its about balancing it all out and there were so many moments of just being human in the midst of me trying to figure out my place in it all.

We lived about ten minutes outside of town and the walk was absolutely beautiful. Tuesday morning Steph and I walked into town alone with Juan… our Papi who was so very wonderful to us. Always checking on us, so open to sharing with us and showing us love in the most wonderful fatherly ways. He was a guerilla for four years in the war and on the walk explained to us how hard it was to leave his wife and new born baby to go. Why did you go I asked? “Because all the rich people had the land and the poor people had nothing, I thought if we won things would get better, there would be more equality” He explained that there is more equality, he feels like he has everything he needs. At dinner later we continued the conversation, he talked about being a 16 year old fighting in the war with 10 year olds. Being one of the three who came back from the war of 20 from Carasque who went to fight. It was a huge risk, but one he felt necessary to take. Its formed him and all of the people in the area. During our time there I read The Promised Land a book about a missionary from the states living in El Salvador during the war, the pain and stories he heard and saw and the light that people found in faith. Reading that while hearing Juans stories was so powerful, so real, so human. And that’s all I really wanted when I went it, to be human.

The serious moments will stick with me forever and were so very special, but the moments of laughter were the moments we really bonded. Wednesday during our exploring I asked if I could touch the horse, I moved slowly to pet it and for some reason it didn’t like that, I started to run away and then felt the blow of the horses hoof on my right thigh below my hip. In the moment I didn’t really know how to respond but the pain didn’t last long. Soon enough we were all laughing, bonding over the laughter and me trying to assure them that all was well. For the rest of the week we laughed about my fight with the horse, the fact he knew I was a gringa and the joys of living in life together. Don’t worry I told Mami, that’s just part of life, things happen and we just have to laugh. And laugh we did. Just like when Yamielec acted like she saw a snake and I jumped higher and screamed about a million times louder in response. My family laughed and laughed and I felt so very close to them. Laughter has been so special through this experience and I love what you can share without words during laughter. Steph and I joked last night about all the fusses I caused… my flashlight blew up, I got kicked by the horse and I jumped a foot at the thought of a snake, but those moments were all so special.

They really felt like family and treated us so wonderfully. Tuesday night walking home from the final night of festivities I saw the first lightening bugs Id ever seen. I was so excited and everytime she saw one Mirtalla pointed it out to me. I held Abuelitas hand so we could keep our balance on the rocky, slippery walk home. Lightening bugs were everywhere and the only sound was the crickets. The silence was so peaceful and beautiful. Nothing needed to be said, our hands together was enough to know that there was a connection. Lightening lit up our path and I felt the connection, the love, the light in this new but oh so special relationship with this family. I felt at home and overflowing with gratitude to at least skim the surface of understanding another part of this country.

We spent the last day at some nearby pools with all the program and all of our families. We ate lunch together and enjoyed one last day with our families. That night at our going away party we started off another akward Salvadoran dance as the group of Gringos dancing in the middle as the rest watch from the sides awkwardly. Exhausted we waited to go home. Have you danced with Juan yet Mirtalla asked me.. no I hadn’t, lets all go dance together. So Steph, Juan, Mirtalla and I all went out on the dance floor and danced together to close off our last night. So special and memorable, hilarious and akward but the kind of akward you can handle cause you know there is no judgement involved. The night ended with Elvis playing and finally a mix of Gringos and Salvadorans dancing together, laughing, twisting and just sharing in this life together.

Oh so very special.

We left Friday morning and on our final walk between the house and the town center Mami grabbed Steph and I’s hands. “The last walk with my new hijas” and I thought about how special the last week had been.

It was too short but it was something. It reminded me of the love and hospitality in this country. Brought me new questions and answers to ponder and left me with so many wonderful memories of a week in the beautiful mountains of El Salvador with this new family. Two of our host siblings were there with us, one is in the U.S.- in Aurora CO actually and the other attends the National University in San Salvador. We tried to figure out what life means to them at first, but by the end picked up on a sense of simplicity and happiness that I hope someday is spread across more of this world. Now we are back trying to figure out how to mesh the two lives, how to keep the experience with us, how to keep running and thinking and learning without exploding.

The silent retreat is this weekend and I am so very excited for a chance to just process… so much has happened in the last 7 and ½ weeks…