November 1st?!?!? Where did you come from? I said to Margot on our bike ride to school this morning "I cant believe tomorrow is another Friday?!?!" and we proceeded to talk about how this year has already flown by and the likelihood that it will only continue to speed up more and more. Its wild. So much has happened that I always think about coming here to write about... but somehow the free minutes in my life just seem to slip away.
But today is a rainy, scarf, tea and lay in bed kinda day. And those days somehow leave me thoughtful and wanting to curl up and write posts about my life. So... here I am, long over due, with quite the list of things to update on... bear with me.
2 weeks ago on Saturday I stood in a line of 11 bridesmaids watching my brothers face as he said I do to my new sister in law. I cried listening to Kylie's letter to Jesse celebrating all the wonderful things in him. I loved being on her side so I could see his expression and get a little glimpse into how he felt. It was absolutely beautiful. The sun literally came out the second Kylie walked out of the room where we all got ready "thats my dad" she said. We walked along the golf cart path with a trumpet and saxaphone leading us to the reception cheering and waving our wands. I looked back at the long line of people following them in this beautiful place with the sun shining and everybody celebrating and forgot about how much my feet hurt... it was freaking amazing. I waited nervously til the time finally came to do my speech and I couldnt have asked for it to go better. About 30 seconds in I had to add a "sorry Jes I cant look at you or Ill cry, but I would if I could" I held it together and felt really wonderful about getting to tell my brother how much I love him and how happy I was to welcome Kylie into our family in front of all those people. As soon as I got to him the tears came pooring out but it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Then I cried more watching him and my mom dance. They are my the foundation of my being and have been through so so so much. Watching them up there dancing, chatting, smiling was just incredible. Finally we got the emotions out of the way and spent the rest of the night dancing our butts off to the amazing 8 person band. I havent had that much fun in a long time and I have never ever seen my brother that happy. It was perfect. And crazy. And I left feeling so grateful for my big quirky family and hopeful that someday I will fall in love and marry someone who makes me that happy too (ha... sometimes Im not sure)
October was a month of a lot of "a year ago this time..." October was a big month at the Casa. Campo week, the rain, silent retreat, Dean Brackley passed away and then vacation. It was a time of so so much pain. But also an incredible amount of growth. Such a formative month that really had a huge affect on how it all ended. We became a family, we saw suffering through a new lense, we mourned the loss of someone who started the Casa and we came together at the end of it stronger than ever. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane back there. I cant wrap my mind around it but I am also quite blow away at the person I am today compared to at the beginning of October a year ago. I have learned and grown so much. I am excited to get back to the place that really started all of this. To feel some of that pain but more than anything the love and the joy. We are studying El Salvador in my Poli Sci class right now and read something on Sobrino today. He said "the opposite of joy is not suffering it is sadness, the people can and are joyful although they are suffering" Mami Santo's big smile flashed through my mind and I am so excited to hug her, to feel what it feels like to be there now and to celebrate that beautiful time.
The days and weeks flying by has also left me thinking a lot about the future. A lot a lot. A few weeks ago I met with someone who did Jesuit Volunteer Corps International. A two year program that I have been thinking about on and off. I left and nearly had an anxiety attack because I just realized that it is a really good option and one that I think is pretty right for me, and that freaks me out. The anxiety that came with thinking about the future motivated me to get my butt in to gear... researching and thinking and just exploring my heart to see what is right for next year. There are a lot of options... and I just have to tell myself what I keep telling other people.. there is something out there for me that is a really good fit and I am more than capable to find it and fall in love with it. Right now I am thinking of applying to JVI, a few teacher corp programs, a year long service program in Minnesotta and to be a CC at the Casa. I am finally to the point where a lot of options sound good and I really trust that I will end up where I am supposed to bed. I wish I could say that took away the stress completely... but it doesnt and I have some serious application work to be doing.. crazy that its time to figure that out!
Life is busy and full but its not a crazy that leads me into a flurry of anxiety any more. It feels like home and routine and it is full of things that I really really enjoy. Last weekend was my first free weekend since school started. On Friday I sat in the sunshine for two hours alone doing absolutely nothing and I could feel the life seeping back into me. It was magical and I would recommend it to anyone who is over committed, tired and cranky. Its like getting a full night sleep but better! Ive been feeling incredibly grateful for my education and the spaces I have to talk about important things... rural farmers vs the world bank, jails and the injustices in them, homelessness, fixing vs serving. I am inspired everyday. By the people around me, the course material, the two year old who never fails to make me smile and I just dont think I could ask for anything more. I am getting so much out of this amazing place this last year here and I guess its better that it is flying by cause I am taking full advantage of all the opportunities than crawling by cause Im doing nothing. This post doesnt quite to justice for my life or my heart but its a start... happy November, I hope it feels like fall where you are and you can cozy up with a blanket and tea and relax a little! xoxoxo
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Update: Life is so good and Senior year has begunnnn!
You know what I should be doing right now... homework. HOMEWORK?!? Ahhh scary. Its funny how for the past month and a half of summer I have sat down numerous times to write a blog post and it just wouldn't come. But when I have homework to do it seems that writing a blog post is the best and easiest decision i could possibly make.
A few things. I had an amazing summer, I thought about (and started three blog posts that never finished about it) as the summer of love again and again. I am overwhelmed by how much goodness flowed from the minute I stepped onto U.S. soil, even and especially in the midst of some change and ouchies and just plain old life. I got to spend seriously quality time with so many people I love and just really was present to every single moment of goodness, friendship, family and people that I love to smithereens. I dont have enough words for it, I am beyond blessed with a lot a lot of love in my life and the last month of summer filled me to the brim with it. Paraguay was a lot of things.. beautiful, challenging, inspiring, discouraging and sometimes really boring but it was also a good time for me to learn to love myself again. And then I came home and was reminded of how huge of a community of support I have and how much life and love they give me. 5 days in Seattle with my best friend after 6 big months of growth of total soul food, 5 days in Milwaukee full to the brim of Casa love, so much laughter, talking about the pains and beauty of this world and our place in it all, 10 days at home where I completely 100% fell back in love with Colorado.. the people, the sights, the home feeling and all the wonderful memories I have there, loved on some littles who totally have my heart, vegged on my couch and had some quality mama time and spent a wonderful silly weekend with my best friends and finally 4 days in Michigan reading by the lake that has been an oasis since I was just a little girl with blonde pig tails getting yelled out for not washing the sand off my feet before coming in. It was too good to be true and really left me ready as could be to come back to this amazing year. I am so so grateful for every single moment and all of the people who just shower me in love and goodness... I will never be able to say thank you enough times, and really what more could I ask for in life.
I have been so excited for this year since the slow process of settling into this house began when I came home from Paraguay... excited to have a whole year in one place, excited for the renewed feeling of being strong and sure in myself, connected, motivated and just inspired to be here in a way I couldn't be when I got back in January and so many other things. I have just felt so ready for it.
And as soon as I got on that plane in Michigan the year was in full force with everyone finally home moving in at once, SCCAP cars to be washed, office to be cleaned and retreat to be planned and BAM less than 24 hours later we were on our way. It was so good. SO SO good. SCCAP brought me out of my weird freshmen year shell into Casa, International Development and so many people and things I love about this place and it just couldn't feel more right to be back at it again, on a little bit different side doing a little more giving because now I can give... but I also am getting so much. Our staff is amazing, inspiring, hillarious, committed and ready to make SCCAP whatever it needs to be to bring goodness to the Santa Clara community and to connect students with populations that break open our hearts, to fall in love and to support each other, to bring their volunteers on board and to have a whole lot of fun. So good. Also... lap tag is the most hillarious game ever.. look it up.
I came home to some serious settling needing to be done and with the help of my lovely Mama and some stay up all night instead of sleeping motivation my room finally feels like home. And senior year has officially started. It feels good... really good. Having both Hayley and Margot in this house is the best thing I could ever ask for and Margot turned what used to be a nasty shed into a cozy little home that is great for snuggling and exactly what she needs. As we walked home from a barbeque together Sunday night we talked about how much things have changed, how right it feels to be here and how good this year is going to be. Last year was a rollercoaster and coming out of it strong and excited for more is so great. Its a big contrast but that really sucky feeling 6 months ago is a constant reminder to not take all this goodness for granted and now its a new, real, deep, honest goodness- not just a wide eyed and bushy tailed, everything is wonderful lets not talk about anything that might not be, kinda goodness. Im all in and I am STOKED.
This new friend I have called anxiety got the best of me on Tuesday night after a conversation about GSB that had me thinking about my research effecting grad school and jobs, what Im gonna do with my life, what the best way to make social change is and if I'm even cut out to be thinking about these things followed by a Capstone class that is also too stressful and a quite busy schedule. That snuggle shed and a soul sister who just knows me was there to remind me that I gotta slow down sometimes and I had a few good conversations about how important it is to take care of ourselves. I am part of this large group of people who want to go, go and go to give to this world and sometimes get so overwhelmed we crash and burn.. and I am now advocating for the "we cant give to anyone else if we cant give to ourselves" morale and responded to Tuesdays overwhlemed with a slow, take some time for me Wednesday morning. Ebb and flow baby. I feel balanced again and am inspired by the things that are keeping me busy and slowly feel like I am finding ways to make my schedule manageable and will be in a routine next week. YAY!
Im right where Im supposed to be. I have so much goodness to be involved with and I am beyond excited for this year. I have this feeling it might be the best one yet.. like Im not just saying that, Im so much stronger on my feet, know where I want my heart to be committed and thus feel so excited to give my whole heart to those things. I have a community of people I love to smithereens... some to just laugh and be silly with and some that will have the conversations my heart loves to have. Some that I just met and others that feel like they have known me my whole life. Im stoked about my classes and have faith that my life will come together just as its supposed to and step by step I will find my way into what to do with this life. So... on the days that I feel overwhelmed with the big picture I will remind myself of the little things and on days when I get lost in the logistics, emails and too much to dos, I will remind myself of the big picture. Life is good.. like really freaking good.
Now Im gonna go love on my little Karina... bliss <3 br="br">
A few things. I had an amazing summer, I thought about (and started three blog posts that never finished about it) as the summer of love again and again. I am overwhelmed by how much goodness flowed from the minute I stepped onto U.S. soil, even and especially in the midst of some change and ouchies and just plain old life. I got to spend seriously quality time with so many people I love and just really was present to every single moment of goodness, friendship, family and people that I love to smithereens. I dont have enough words for it, I am beyond blessed with a lot a lot of love in my life and the last month of summer filled me to the brim with it. Paraguay was a lot of things.. beautiful, challenging, inspiring, discouraging and sometimes really boring but it was also a good time for me to learn to love myself again. And then I came home and was reminded of how huge of a community of support I have and how much life and love they give me. 5 days in Seattle with my best friend after 6 big months of growth of total soul food, 5 days in Milwaukee full to the brim of Casa love, so much laughter, talking about the pains and beauty of this world and our place in it all, 10 days at home where I completely 100% fell back in love with Colorado.. the people, the sights, the home feeling and all the wonderful memories I have there, loved on some littles who totally have my heart, vegged on my couch and had some quality mama time and spent a wonderful silly weekend with my best friends and finally 4 days in Michigan reading by the lake that has been an oasis since I was just a little girl with blonde pig tails getting yelled out for not washing the sand off my feet before coming in. It was too good to be true and really left me ready as could be to come back to this amazing year. I am so so grateful for every single moment and all of the people who just shower me in love and goodness... I will never be able to say thank you enough times, and really what more could I ask for in life.
I have been so excited for this year since the slow process of settling into this house began when I came home from Paraguay... excited to have a whole year in one place, excited for the renewed feeling of being strong and sure in myself, connected, motivated and just inspired to be here in a way I couldn't be when I got back in January and so many other things. I have just felt so ready for it.
And as soon as I got on that plane in Michigan the year was in full force with everyone finally home moving in at once, SCCAP cars to be washed, office to be cleaned and retreat to be planned and BAM less than 24 hours later we were on our way. It was so good. SO SO good. SCCAP brought me out of my weird freshmen year shell into Casa, International Development and so many people and things I love about this place and it just couldn't feel more right to be back at it again, on a little bit different side doing a little more giving because now I can give... but I also am getting so much. Our staff is amazing, inspiring, hillarious, committed and ready to make SCCAP whatever it needs to be to bring goodness to the Santa Clara community and to connect students with populations that break open our hearts, to fall in love and to support each other, to bring their volunteers on board and to have a whole lot of fun. So good. Also... lap tag is the most hillarious game ever.. look it up.
I came home to some serious settling needing to be done and with the help of my lovely Mama and some stay up all night instead of sleeping motivation my room finally feels like home. And senior year has officially started. It feels good... really good. Having both Hayley and Margot in this house is the best thing I could ever ask for and Margot turned what used to be a nasty shed into a cozy little home that is great for snuggling and exactly what she needs. As we walked home from a barbeque together Sunday night we talked about how much things have changed, how right it feels to be here and how good this year is going to be. Last year was a rollercoaster and coming out of it strong and excited for more is so great. Its a big contrast but that really sucky feeling 6 months ago is a constant reminder to not take all this goodness for granted and now its a new, real, deep, honest goodness- not just a wide eyed and bushy tailed, everything is wonderful lets not talk about anything that might not be, kinda goodness. Im all in and I am STOKED.
This new friend I have called anxiety got the best of me on Tuesday night after a conversation about GSB that had me thinking about my research effecting grad school and jobs, what Im gonna do with my life, what the best way to make social change is and if I'm even cut out to be thinking about these things followed by a Capstone class that is also too stressful and a quite busy schedule. That snuggle shed and a soul sister who just knows me was there to remind me that I gotta slow down sometimes and I had a few good conversations about how important it is to take care of ourselves. I am part of this large group of people who want to go, go and go to give to this world and sometimes get so overwhelmed we crash and burn.. and I am now advocating for the "we cant give to anyone else if we cant give to ourselves" morale and responded to Tuesdays overwhlemed with a slow, take some time for me Wednesday morning. Ebb and flow baby. I feel balanced again and am inspired by the things that are keeping me busy and slowly feel like I am finding ways to make my schedule manageable and will be in a routine next week. YAY!
Im right where Im supposed to be. I have so much goodness to be involved with and I am beyond excited for this year. I have this feeling it might be the best one yet.. like Im not just saying that, Im so much stronger on my feet, know where I want my heart to be committed and thus feel so excited to give my whole heart to those things. I have a community of people I love to smithereens... some to just laugh and be silly with and some that will have the conversations my heart loves to have. Some that I just met and others that feel like they have known me my whole life. Im stoked about my classes and have faith that my life will come together just as its supposed to and step by step I will find my way into what to do with this life. So... on the days that I feel overwhelmed with the big picture I will remind myself of the little things and on days when I get lost in the logistics, emails and too much to dos, I will remind myself of the big picture. Life is good.. like really freaking good.
Now Im gonna go love on my little Karina... bliss <3 br="br">
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Be Here Now
Those words jog all sorts of emotions and memories. Song lyrics, Juans voice during meditations, words above Margots bed and reminder upon reminder. Whoa
This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.
Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.
So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.
As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops. I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.
Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.
Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.
I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.
This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.
Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.
So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.
As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops. I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.
Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.
Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.
I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Gratitude
I keep coming back here to write a post about the end and the transition back. And for some reason the words just aren't coming.
I cant belive a week ago I was spending my last day in Oviedo. The end was perfect. Somehow it seems like the end is always perfect. We spent three days at the girls school in the jungle in Embaracayu. Our mornings were spent in the campo with the girls and our afternoons relaxing and enjoying the scenery. It was so so wonderful. Wonderful to really get to interact with the girls- we worked in the garden with them, chatted while we de-kerneled corn, laughed so hard canoing and swimming in the river, played soccer and learned some new dance moves from them. They were wonderful and part of me wished I could have spent my whole summer there. Being with them was just so much more natural and inspiring to me than sitting in the office, but I also know that being in the office and working with the microfinance was a new challenge that I so needed. I ran along the silent dirt roads and found little colonies of butterflies, danced to my music cause there was no one for miles, soaked in the stars and laid in the hammock and read. It was wonderful.
Then I came back to Oviedo and had three perfect last days with my family. I felt so so comfortable with them by the end and we all shed some tears when we had to say goodbye. We had a race doing laundry, made two more batches of coffee cakes (they loved those things) and had a special last dinner. I went to the pelequiera with the girls and we just really enjoyed our time together. I went for one last run and as I stopped to take in the beauty of the wide open spaces tears fell from my eyes, tears like the ones that fell the first weekend there but this time out of gratitude and love for this family and country instead of loneliness and fear. It felt like home after 5 short weeks and although I was excited to get back here, it was hard to say goodbye. I couldn't have asked for a better last week... and as soon as I sit still and think about the funny little life I created there I miss it a whole lot. I still have some processing to do, my time in Paraguay was something so different than I expected it to be. The internship was not what I had hoped for but the growth that happened trying to make sense of it all is something I am incredibly grateful for and that family who loved me like their own was the biggest gift of all.
I came back to a lot of love and life. To a new house. Hot weather. Some things changing and some just how I left them. Our new house is wonderful, spacious and full of light. And summertime here is a fun thing to be a part of. Everyone keeps asking how the transition has been, and honestly part of me feels like I never left. This time was so so different than my time in El Salvador and the reverse culture shock just hasn't really hit me. I keep wondering if its going to sneak up on me out of no where or if I really am gonna get by without it. Its been interesting to find my place back here again. The last year at Santa Clara was such a bizarre year and so very challenging. I'm excited to have the whole year here to really settle in. I feel like I only had three months here last year because the first three back were spent just trying to keep my head above water. I know my soul better than I did when I left for Paraguay and when I feel any sort of funk from things changing and being out of a familiar routine I think back to those first couple nights in Paraguay when I really had to learn to comfort myself. I know what my soul needs. I know that getting up and going for a run and soaking up the rose gardens, swimming, journaling, calling the people I love really help me to feel like all is right in the world. And I am so thankful that I have slowly gotten to know those parts of myself and that even when things don't feel quite right, or quite like home I have some tricks up my sleeve to feed my spirit. Maybe thats why the transition is easier.
I have the most amazing friends in the world and am so thankful to come home to Hayley in my room for pillow talk about everything under the sun from relationships to friends to life after college to work in developing countries. And Cara to lay in bed with and feel all my emotions. I am going to see Margot in two days and I could not be more excited. It has been so long since we have been together and some big changes have happened in our hearts since then. I get home in two weeks and then go to Michigan with my daddio for four days. My life is really good. I am surrounded by so many people that I love and just have so much to look forward to. I cant believe I was in Paraguay for 6 weeks and am back already. Life just keeps moving with all the ebb and flow and up and down. 6 weeks ago Keith told me my sea legs were well developed... and today I feel like that is the most true its ever been. In the midst of all the waves I feel grounded in me and I am just so grateful for that. More processing to come about my time in that funny little office. But for now.. I am just relishing in the gratitude. <3 br="br">
I cant belive a week ago I was spending my last day in Oviedo. The end was perfect. Somehow it seems like the end is always perfect. We spent three days at the girls school in the jungle in Embaracayu. Our mornings were spent in the campo with the girls and our afternoons relaxing and enjoying the scenery. It was so so wonderful. Wonderful to really get to interact with the girls- we worked in the garden with them, chatted while we de-kerneled corn, laughed so hard canoing and swimming in the river, played soccer and learned some new dance moves from them. They were wonderful and part of me wished I could have spent my whole summer there. Being with them was just so much more natural and inspiring to me than sitting in the office, but I also know that being in the office and working with the microfinance was a new challenge that I so needed. I ran along the silent dirt roads and found little colonies of butterflies, danced to my music cause there was no one for miles, soaked in the stars and laid in the hammock and read. It was wonderful.
Then I came back to Oviedo and had three perfect last days with my family. I felt so so comfortable with them by the end and we all shed some tears when we had to say goodbye. We had a race doing laundry, made two more batches of coffee cakes (they loved those things) and had a special last dinner. I went to the pelequiera with the girls and we just really enjoyed our time together. I went for one last run and as I stopped to take in the beauty of the wide open spaces tears fell from my eyes, tears like the ones that fell the first weekend there but this time out of gratitude and love for this family and country instead of loneliness and fear. It felt like home after 5 short weeks and although I was excited to get back here, it was hard to say goodbye. I couldn't have asked for a better last week... and as soon as I sit still and think about the funny little life I created there I miss it a whole lot. I still have some processing to do, my time in Paraguay was something so different than I expected it to be. The internship was not what I had hoped for but the growth that happened trying to make sense of it all is something I am incredibly grateful for and that family who loved me like their own was the biggest gift of all.
I came back to a lot of love and life. To a new house. Hot weather. Some things changing and some just how I left them. Our new house is wonderful, spacious and full of light. And summertime here is a fun thing to be a part of. Everyone keeps asking how the transition has been, and honestly part of me feels like I never left. This time was so so different than my time in El Salvador and the reverse culture shock just hasn't really hit me. I keep wondering if its going to sneak up on me out of no where or if I really am gonna get by without it. Its been interesting to find my place back here again. The last year at Santa Clara was such a bizarre year and so very challenging. I'm excited to have the whole year here to really settle in. I feel like I only had three months here last year because the first three back were spent just trying to keep my head above water. I know my soul better than I did when I left for Paraguay and when I feel any sort of funk from things changing and being out of a familiar routine I think back to those first couple nights in Paraguay when I really had to learn to comfort myself. I know what my soul needs. I know that getting up and going for a run and soaking up the rose gardens, swimming, journaling, calling the people I love really help me to feel like all is right in the world. And I am so thankful that I have slowly gotten to know those parts of myself and that even when things don't feel quite right, or quite like home I have some tricks up my sleeve to feed my spirit. Maybe thats why the transition is easier.
I have the most amazing friends in the world and am so thankful to come home to Hayley in my room for pillow talk about everything under the sun from relationships to friends to life after college to work in developing countries. And Cara to lay in bed with and feel all my emotions. I am going to see Margot in two days and I could not be more excited. It has been so long since we have been together and some big changes have happened in our hearts since then. I get home in two weeks and then go to Michigan with my daddio for four days. My life is really good. I am surrounded by so many people that I love and just have so much to look forward to. I cant believe I was in Paraguay for 6 weeks and am back already. Life just keeps moving with all the ebb and flow and up and down. 6 weeks ago Keith told me my sea legs were well developed... and today I feel like that is the most true its ever been. In the midst of all the waves I feel grounded in me and I am just so grateful for that. More processing to come about my time in that funny little office. But for now.. I am just relishing in the gratitude. <3 br="br">
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Alive
"You are so alive" said Clarita "How did you know?" I asked while my brain caught up thinking "oh thats what this feeling is...this feeling of soaking up every ounce of beauty, wanting to call everyone I love and tell them just how much they mean to me, feeling connected to humanity and just excited for this life" Clarita would know... she watched me come alive.. and saw me the most alive Id ever been in Cedro. She's seen me at my highest and lowest and she just knows... so thanks for the words mujer.
This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.
Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel. The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us.
I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.
I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there... sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.
Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.
I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">
This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.
Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel. The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us.
I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.
I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there... sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.
Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.
I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Vamos a pasearnos
"Vamos a pasearnos" they keep saying... what the heck does pasearnos mean? They can't really ever explain it.. just "vamos a pasearnos" Slowly I've learned to stop asking exactly what we are going to do when we are going to "pasearnos".. I've started to find a balance of when to ask questions and when to just wait and see... this is a wait and see occasion.
Pasear literally means "to walk" but it is used more so kind of as "to hang out". Sometimes it means we are going to get in the car and cruise around Oviedo with music blasting and the windows down, sometimes it means we are going to sit outside and drink terere (cold mate), every now and then it might mean going for a walk and this past weekend it meant going to Mass in another city and then stopping at seemingly every single family members house to say hello.
Basically it means we are going to be together.. doing what exactly is another story, but lately that doesn't matter as much because I so appreciate the time to just be together. In all this time paseandonos these relationships have been deepening and finding their way into my heart. The time we've spent "paseando" has started to make this place feel like home and today when I think about getting on a plane in two weeks it tugs on my heart strings a little.
Nina Eludia is the cleaning lady in the office and since the beginning I had a feeling she'd be someone I'd come to love. She's like the mama of the office, asking how everyone is, giving advice when we need it and going out to get everyone breakfast in the morning. Lately I've been going with her to get breakfast to curb my boredom in the office and to take advantage of some one on one time with this incredible loving mujer. She asks me about my life and tells me about hers and we just pasearnos. But from that little time together I feel so much closer to her. She tells me about her kids and how she used to live in Asuncion when there were just cows and not so much noise. She asks if my life is rushed at home, about school and if I work. She tells me about the challenges but more so the joys of her life, how hard she works but how in a year she will be able to work less and have more time with her kids. She's a little more vulnerable and real, so loving and just wonderful. And yesterday she asked how she could keep in touch when I left.. and I felt my heart skip a beat reminded again that "paseandonos" really makes a difference.
Last week I went to a meeting with Christina in a town about an hour away. Transportation is a challenge for her especially because she is the rural asesora and works with committees outside of Oviedo. She only has a moto (like most of the women) and it is too dangerous to take out of the city. So she takes the bus or sometimes finds friends that are willing to drive her to her different committee meetings. We took the bus in the morning to a town about an hour and a half away called San Juaquin, went to her meeting, stopped to see some friends and family and then sat at her god mothers trying to figure out how we'd get home. There are no busses that return to Oviedo in the afternoon because they are all bringing people back to San Juaquin. Since we couldn't find anyone to take us we ended up sleeping over at her god mothers.. and something about the time was so special. We didnt do anything but pasearnos, have dinner, sit on the couch and chat but I felt so much closer to her from that time together (and probably because we shared a bed ;)). I spend the most time with her and the other day she was leaving the office and asked me if I wanted to go. "Vamos a pasearnos" yet again.. we ended up at a friends house sitting outside, drinking terere, passing the baby around and just being together. Her friend asked me questions and Christina answered some, filling in like a big sister, joking about how they give me all the different food and Im willing to try everything. I felt so comfortable, so honored that she brought me along to her friends and just so grateful for the time to pasearnos.
Saturday night Virginia (my host mama) told me to get up at 5:30 the next morning cause we were leaving at 6:00. I asked a few times where we were going.. para pasearnos. So.. I got up as I was told (ended up waiting an hour for everyone else... thank you Latin America time) and got in the car ready for wherever we would end up. We drove for a while and I woke up to Virginia passing back chipa (typical Paraguayan delicious cheesy bread) to everyone in the volkswagon style van they have, feeling completely part of the family. We went to mass in Caacupe, the "Mecca of Paraguay" because of an image of the Virgin that is said to have saved a converted Guarani and survived the flooding of the entire valley. There is a big, beautiful cathedral, with a mirador filled with murals of the story of the particular Guarani who was saved by the image of the Virgin he created. The mass was overflowing and although I didn't understand it all I still find such peace whenever I go to mass and was reminded of the masses we went to in El Salvador. Afterwards we went to the original church where there is a constant flow of water said to be sacred water. People crowded around the water source, filling jugs and splashing their faces with the holy water. Virginia and Don Pedro explained it all to me, told me to go wash my face in it and then we took photos with the holy water. The space buzzed with the energy, excitement and faith of the people who come to Caccupe to be healed and blessed by the water where the miracle happened.
We then went to three other towns to visit the Abuelas on both sides and four different tias. The first Grandma we visited lived in a much poorer little town, she showered me in kisses and spoke to me in Guarani as I tried my best to smile and be polite even though I had no clue what she was saying. Listening kindly to the guarani I saw a story in each wrinkle on her face, a story that is part of this family and this country. We sat outside of her small house on wooden chairs and it was obvious that the family doesn't spend a lot of time here. We brought her bags of food and Pedro went to the pharmacy to get her medications. Ruty said "Hay muchos pobres aca" and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of her feeling she had to explain. We then visited the Grandma on the other side who lives in a much bigger house next door to some other family members where we were completely overfed with asado and sat around "paseandonos". After a few hours there, where the family was much more comfortable, we headed to visit two of Virginia's sisters at one's house and the other's ice cream store. Nothing extremely exciting happened but just the time together was really special. It was neat to see how they grew up and interesting to see the different interactions with the different family members. I sometimes feel distant from the reality here because they just don't tell stories like they did in El Salvador, but this weekend visiting the family and paseandonos I got to see some of those stories and was reminded that there is so much more to this family than I know. On the way home I sat in the back between Ruty and Maria (the 9 and 12 year old that provide me with constant entertainment). As we giggled and joked Maria said "Hablamos con ti mucho más que hablabamos con la otra que estaba aca"... we talk to you a lot more than we talked to the other intern that lived with us. Lots of time I wonder if I'm spending enough time with them and engaging the best I can. Hearing that from her caught me off guard but left me feeling so at home and just really happy to hear they too feel like all this time just "paseandonos" matters more than I know.
Last night I made coffee cakes with Maria and Virginia, laid in bed and giggled with Ruty and then we played mini pool. I sat on the patio this morning drinking mate and am suddenly so aware of the goodness of paseandonos.. of just being together and am feeling more and more at home. I think for the first couple weeks I was so stuck on finding meaning, having the right conversations, learning, engaging perfectly.. I was distracted from just being. And that time of just being together is really how meaningful relationships form. With less than two weeks left I am so grateful and appreciative for paseandonos and for what comes from just being together.
Pasear literally means "to walk" but it is used more so kind of as "to hang out". Sometimes it means we are going to get in the car and cruise around Oviedo with music blasting and the windows down, sometimes it means we are going to sit outside and drink terere (cold mate), every now and then it might mean going for a walk and this past weekend it meant going to Mass in another city and then stopping at seemingly every single family members house to say hello.
Basically it means we are going to be together.. doing what exactly is another story, but lately that doesn't matter as much because I so appreciate the time to just be together. In all this time paseandonos these relationships have been deepening and finding their way into my heart. The time we've spent "paseando" has started to make this place feel like home and today when I think about getting on a plane in two weeks it tugs on my heart strings a little.
Nina Eludia is the cleaning lady in the office and since the beginning I had a feeling she'd be someone I'd come to love. She's like the mama of the office, asking how everyone is, giving advice when we need it and going out to get everyone breakfast in the morning. Lately I've been going with her to get breakfast to curb my boredom in the office and to take advantage of some one on one time with this incredible loving mujer. She asks me about my life and tells me about hers and we just pasearnos. But from that little time together I feel so much closer to her. She tells me about her kids and how she used to live in Asuncion when there were just cows and not so much noise. She asks if my life is rushed at home, about school and if I work. She tells me about the challenges but more so the joys of her life, how hard she works but how in a year she will be able to work less and have more time with her kids. She's a little more vulnerable and real, so loving and just wonderful. And yesterday she asked how she could keep in touch when I left.. and I felt my heart skip a beat reminded again that "paseandonos" really makes a difference.
Last week I went to a meeting with Christina in a town about an hour away. Transportation is a challenge for her especially because she is the rural asesora and works with committees outside of Oviedo. She only has a moto (like most of the women) and it is too dangerous to take out of the city. So she takes the bus or sometimes finds friends that are willing to drive her to her different committee meetings. We took the bus in the morning to a town about an hour and a half away called San Juaquin, went to her meeting, stopped to see some friends and family and then sat at her god mothers trying to figure out how we'd get home. There are no busses that return to Oviedo in the afternoon because they are all bringing people back to San Juaquin. Since we couldn't find anyone to take us we ended up sleeping over at her god mothers.. and something about the time was so special. We didnt do anything but pasearnos, have dinner, sit on the couch and chat but I felt so much closer to her from that time together (and probably because we shared a bed ;)). I spend the most time with her and the other day she was leaving the office and asked me if I wanted to go. "Vamos a pasearnos" yet again.. we ended up at a friends house sitting outside, drinking terere, passing the baby around and just being together. Her friend asked me questions and Christina answered some, filling in like a big sister, joking about how they give me all the different food and Im willing to try everything. I felt so comfortable, so honored that she brought me along to her friends and just so grateful for the time to pasearnos.
Saturday night Virginia (my host mama) told me to get up at 5:30 the next morning cause we were leaving at 6:00. I asked a few times where we were going.. para pasearnos. So.. I got up as I was told (ended up waiting an hour for everyone else... thank you Latin America time) and got in the car ready for wherever we would end up. We drove for a while and I woke up to Virginia passing back chipa (typical Paraguayan delicious cheesy bread) to everyone in the volkswagon style van they have, feeling completely part of the family. We went to mass in Caacupe, the "Mecca of Paraguay" because of an image of the Virgin that is said to have saved a converted Guarani and survived the flooding of the entire valley. There is a big, beautiful cathedral, with a mirador filled with murals of the story of the particular Guarani who was saved by the image of the Virgin he created. The mass was overflowing and although I didn't understand it all I still find such peace whenever I go to mass and was reminded of the masses we went to in El Salvador. Afterwards we went to the original church where there is a constant flow of water said to be sacred water. People crowded around the water source, filling jugs and splashing their faces with the holy water. Virginia and Don Pedro explained it all to me, told me to go wash my face in it and then we took photos with the holy water. The space buzzed with the energy, excitement and faith of the people who come to Caccupe to be healed and blessed by the water where the miracle happened.
We then went to three other towns to visit the Abuelas on both sides and four different tias. The first Grandma we visited lived in a much poorer little town, she showered me in kisses and spoke to me in Guarani as I tried my best to smile and be polite even though I had no clue what she was saying. Listening kindly to the guarani I saw a story in each wrinkle on her face, a story that is part of this family and this country. We sat outside of her small house on wooden chairs and it was obvious that the family doesn't spend a lot of time here. We brought her bags of food and Pedro went to the pharmacy to get her medications. Ruty said "Hay muchos pobres aca" and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of her feeling she had to explain. We then visited the Grandma on the other side who lives in a much bigger house next door to some other family members where we were completely overfed with asado and sat around "paseandonos". After a few hours there, where the family was much more comfortable, we headed to visit two of Virginia's sisters at one's house and the other's ice cream store. Nothing extremely exciting happened but just the time together was really special. It was neat to see how they grew up and interesting to see the different interactions with the different family members. I sometimes feel distant from the reality here because they just don't tell stories like they did in El Salvador, but this weekend visiting the family and paseandonos I got to see some of those stories and was reminded that there is so much more to this family than I know. On the way home I sat in the back between Ruty and Maria (the 9 and 12 year old that provide me with constant entertainment). As we giggled and joked Maria said "Hablamos con ti mucho más que hablabamos con la otra que estaba aca"... we talk to you a lot more than we talked to the other intern that lived with us. Lots of time I wonder if I'm spending enough time with them and engaging the best I can. Hearing that from her caught me off guard but left me feeling so at home and just really happy to hear they too feel like all this time just "paseandonos" matters more than I know.
Last night I made coffee cakes with Maria and Virginia, laid in bed and giggled with Ruty and then we played mini pool. I sat on the patio this morning drinking mate and am suddenly so aware of the goodness of paseandonos.. of just being together and am feeling more and more at home. I think for the first couple weeks I was so stuck on finding meaning, having the right conversations, learning, engaging perfectly.. I was distracted from just being. And that time of just being together is really how meaningful relationships form. With less than two weeks left I am so grateful and appreciative for paseandonos and for what comes from just being together.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Strength and Stillness
I woke up Saturday morning bright and early.. my internal clock is now on Grandma time with a 10:00 bed time and a 6:30 wake up call.. and I absolutely love it. While everyone was still asleep I soaked up the quiet time and continued reading this great book Lulu gave me about a Nun's journeys working with refugees, both in the U.S. when they are resettled and later in refugee camps in Sudan, Thailand and a few other places. The stories are beautifully written and heart breaking talking about deep deep suffering of families living on one cup of milk a day if they are lucky, a young boy walking for a month not being able to rest when he had Malaria because he would be left behind like the other dead bodies he saw along the way and children forced to kill and left completely traumatized for the rest of their lives. As I read it I felt that part of my heart that came alive in El Salvador and that I feel a little distant from here. I wondered what it means that my heart is so still here, that I'm not being rocked and I felt guilty for feeling still and distant from the suffering, when although I'm not interacting with it everyday or on the same level I did in El Salvador I know it is here. I started thinking about what this desire is to be close to suffering and what exactly it does to your heart to hear the stories of people who have seen so much pain yet can feel deep joy and have great hope at the same time.
A couple hours later I had a wonderful conversation with Cara... it is so amazing what a conversation with someone who knows your soul can do. Being here alone my thoughts sometimes get stuck, its so incredibly helpful to have someone else phrase them different, to bounce ideas off and just share your thoughts with- sometimes just saying them out loud helps them to make a lot more sense. I told her about this feeling of stillness and quiet in my heart. Something I would have never used to describe my time in El Salvador, or really any time I can ever remember in my life. "I cant tell if its a good thing or a bad thing" I told her. Hearing what I said she replayed my thoughts back to me, "I think this time of stillness is something beautiful that you need right now" And then it all made a little more sense as we talked through it. The last year has been a complete rollercoaster, absolutely beautiful but also painful. I went to El Salvador ready to be opened and opened I was.. I fell in love with the people living without enough yet so much in their hearts, grappled everyday with what it meant that this world is so unequal and started to explore some of my own personal pain. When I think about the flight home, those first weeks sitting on my couch trying to make sense of it my heart hurts- it was like my heart had been ripped out and half was left in El Salvador and half left in its case in my chest trying to continue breathing. The transition and the three months after were incredibly challenging. And I think this time of stillness and quiet is exactly what I need right now.. imagine that. In high school I made myself believe that if I was always doing everything would be alright.. I transformed from a human being into a human doing and with a grin on my face flew through life filling every moment with something to distract me. Slowly I learned to be a human being at Santa Clara and really the most in El Salvador. I was exposed to a completely new range of human emotion, suffering, joy, hope and faith and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Ella and I recently talked about how we all have been searching for some sort of TLC after the hard transition back, and in some crazy way I think this six weeks in Paraguay has been that tender loving care I was looking for.
I feel a new sense of strength building inside me and although I don't want to spend my whole life with my heart as quiet and still as it has been this past month I think it is an important stage in my continued growth as a human becoming. I used to think that stillness was a bad thing and here I am learning that just like feeling deep deep emotions across the entire spectrum is so important, having space for quiet in your heart is ok too. For years I was strong because I had to be and in El Salvador those "strong, independent, numb" walls were broken down with an amazing community to hold me while I ventured into the unknown area behind them, and leaving that community felt so so hard. Today I feel a new strength that is coming from a healthy place, a sense of independence and trust that is cultivating deep inside me without the desperation for that community to hold me up in the way I felt I needed them those first few months back. No question I need them and I have the support from so so many people in my life that I am coming to appreciate even more while here. Their support follows me and lives in my heart, but whether we are thousands of miles away or in the same room the support of this huge network of love I have from Leadville, Santa Clara, El Salvador and everywhere in between stays with me and sustains me.
I feel strong, stronger than I have for a long time. I feel grateful. I feel a sense of quiet observing, taking it all in but just sitting with it. I feel my heart filling out its space again more able to love, listen and be in all these different places, experiences, phases of my life a little bit more whole than I was a year ago, 6 months ago and a month ago. I feel a deep trust in the way things go and a sense of freedom or letting go- this world will give me what I need and I don't need to grasp for anything, cause its all right here in my heart and the hearts of the people around me. I feel a deep love and gratitude for every single person that has shaped me and am so excited to get home and hug the people I love, but I also feel independent, like I can be thousands of miles away on my own and still feel that sense of community and support. I have had time to explore some thoughts that had been left unsettled and have found a whole layer of new questions, but I am not anxious to figure them out or anxious about things working out... cause they just do somehow.
The last month has been challenging and completely different than what I expected it. But as I sat wondering what it all meant, frustrated in some moments and completely grateful in some moments this strength and stillness has been cultivating inside me and will only continue to grow. Its kind of a half thought still with a lot of space to explore... but it feels good, it feels right and it feels like another reminder that something greater than me exists..making this all make a little more sense. I'm excited to see what continues to come from this feeling, and ready to soak up the last two weeks here with some new perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
A couple hours later I had a wonderful conversation with Cara... it is so amazing what a conversation with someone who knows your soul can do. Being here alone my thoughts sometimes get stuck, its so incredibly helpful to have someone else phrase them different, to bounce ideas off and just share your thoughts with- sometimes just saying them out loud helps them to make a lot more sense. I told her about this feeling of stillness and quiet in my heart. Something I would have never used to describe my time in El Salvador, or really any time I can ever remember in my life. "I cant tell if its a good thing or a bad thing" I told her. Hearing what I said she replayed my thoughts back to me, "I think this time of stillness is something beautiful that you need right now" And then it all made a little more sense as we talked through it. The last year has been a complete rollercoaster, absolutely beautiful but also painful. I went to El Salvador ready to be opened and opened I was.. I fell in love with the people living without enough yet so much in their hearts, grappled everyday with what it meant that this world is so unequal and started to explore some of my own personal pain. When I think about the flight home, those first weeks sitting on my couch trying to make sense of it my heart hurts- it was like my heart had been ripped out and half was left in El Salvador and half left in its case in my chest trying to continue breathing. The transition and the three months after were incredibly challenging. And I think this time of stillness and quiet is exactly what I need right now.. imagine that. In high school I made myself believe that if I was always doing everything would be alright.. I transformed from a human being into a human doing and with a grin on my face flew through life filling every moment with something to distract me. Slowly I learned to be a human being at Santa Clara and really the most in El Salvador. I was exposed to a completely new range of human emotion, suffering, joy, hope and faith and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Ella and I recently talked about how we all have been searching for some sort of TLC after the hard transition back, and in some crazy way I think this six weeks in Paraguay has been that tender loving care I was looking for.
I feel a new sense of strength building inside me and although I don't want to spend my whole life with my heart as quiet and still as it has been this past month I think it is an important stage in my continued growth as a human becoming. I used to think that stillness was a bad thing and here I am learning that just like feeling deep deep emotions across the entire spectrum is so important, having space for quiet in your heart is ok too. For years I was strong because I had to be and in El Salvador those "strong, independent, numb" walls were broken down with an amazing community to hold me while I ventured into the unknown area behind them, and leaving that community felt so so hard. Today I feel a new strength that is coming from a healthy place, a sense of independence and trust that is cultivating deep inside me without the desperation for that community to hold me up in the way I felt I needed them those first few months back. No question I need them and I have the support from so so many people in my life that I am coming to appreciate even more while here. Their support follows me and lives in my heart, but whether we are thousands of miles away or in the same room the support of this huge network of love I have from Leadville, Santa Clara, El Salvador and everywhere in between stays with me and sustains me.
I feel strong, stronger than I have for a long time. I feel grateful. I feel a sense of quiet observing, taking it all in but just sitting with it. I feel my heart filling out its space again more able to love, listen and be in all these different places, experiences, phases of my life a little bit more whole than I was a year ago, 6 months ago and a month ago. I feel a deep trust in the way things go and a sense of freedom or letting go- this world will give me what I need and I don't need to grasp for anything, cause its all right here in my heart and the hearts of the people around me. I feel a deep love and gratitude for every single person that has shaped me and am so excited to get home and hug the people I love, but I also feel independent, like I can be thousands of miles away on my own and still feel that sense of community and support. I have had time to explore some thoughts that had been left unsettled and have found a whole layer of new questions, but I am not anxious to figure them out or anxious about things working out... cause they just do somehow.
The last month has been challenging and completely different than what I expected it. But as I sat wondering what it all meant, frustrated in some moments and completely grateful in some moments this strength and stillness has been cultivating inside me and will only continue to grow. Its kind of a half thought still with a lot of space to explore... but it feels good, it feels right and it feels like another reminder that something greater than me exists..making this all make a little more sense. I'm excited to see what continues to come from this feeling, and ready to soak up the last two weeks here with some new perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)