living for moments of feeling and living with my best friend

My best friend is here, today we put on our flip flips, grabbed our rain coats and took off in a cute little prius (who was later named Margarita) and went for an awesome adventure to Santa Cruz


We went to the beach, wiggled our toes in the cold water, wrote our dreams in the sand and let them wash into the universe, we looked for sea shells, played with the birds, looked for different foot prints, and held on tight to each other as we took in all the beauty and felt our hearts and souls grow We found a cute little coffee shop and talked about growing up in coffee shops and opening one some day. We looked at all the pretty houses and dreamed of lives in Santa Cruz, alone, together, with boyfriends and husbands and families.  We talked about boys and school and family and life and jammed good music.  We listened to country music sing about love and life and toes in the sand with no worries in the world and thinkin about a girl in a white tank top and rocked out to forever young, cause we want to be forever young, we laughed and played crazy and thought the same things, we were best friends on an amazing adventure and took whatever turn felt right at the moment.


It was the best day I can remember in quite sometime. It felt so good. Nothing stopping us, just her and I in our world getting each other and feeling together. 


Days like today, moments where I pause the blasting country music and turn to the person who has felt the most with me in my life, who is the best friend I could ever ask for, who knows a side of me I dont even know and who will be beside me for every step of my life and say "My soul is SOOOOOOOOOOO big right now" :).... those are the moments we live for

The Lovely Bones

I havent blogged for more than a week, thats not normal. I may be having trouble putting some feelings into words..so Im just letting them be feelings, there best that way, oh and they are good feelings so dont worry :)


I am reading the Lovely Bones...everyone kept saying how good it was but I was scared to read it cause it was too intense.  Finally I folded and asked my mom to send it to me. I started it on Friday and am 7 pages away from the end, stuck between wanting so know the end and not ready for it to be over.  There are without a doubt parts that are heart wrenching and make you cringe, but also a lot of parts that in a weird way kinda make your heart soar, for the love of people and life and death and lots of bittersweet things. Its SUCH a page turner, and the whole time makes my head go crazy. Thinking of those things...relationships, love, family, loss, life, death, heaven and so much more. I LOVE books that make me think about that. Think about Eric up there watching every moment of our lives, smiling and sometimes cringing at all he is seeing, thinking about my mom and dad and their loss and how that affected their life, thinking about someday when I have a family, and wanting it to be perfect, but knowing life happens, thinking about being a little kid and figuring things out and having walls crash around you as you try to make your life go. Its really good, I really like it. And I like doing a little bit of fun reading amidst all the reading about sociology and ethics and such.


Yesterday Scotty called and woke me up and said he had the day off and come to San Fran..I thought about for maybe 2 mins and then figured..why not. So i got ready really fast and ran to the train station and was on my way to San Fran for a day of anything.  We went to a mall and went in circles and rode the spiral escalator (so cool we were like kids in a candy shop with that thing) and then he showed me the boat which I had no clue what to imagine and now have a picture in my head of how he spends his life, so so different than most of the world, which is really cool. And then we went out on a boat in the bay. And it was so sunshiney and beautiful and the sky was blue and there were pretty clouds and so much beautifulness. It was fantastic, and an adventure of seeing and feeling awesome things that was just what I have been looking for. Its pretty cool that I can just go hop on a train and be there and see this really awesome city and all the millions of different pieces of it.


Elyse is coming SO soon and Im so excited. She called yesterday and said "can we go streaking in Santa Cruz" so shes coming and we are gonna be reckless and adventurous and just exactly us and jam and play and laugh and talk and live...live soooo much it will be fantastic. I cant wait :)


This weekend nobody went out and we just stayed in and hung out and it was great. I really really really love this group of girlfriends I have here (i love the boys too). When I first really had a group of girlfriends in Summit I loved it so much, I never really had that in Leadville, obviously I have Ese and Chels and Katie but never just a group of girls like Liv, Molly, Kali, Steph and I had.  So I guess Im just a little more aware of having vs not having a group of girlfriends to share everything with. And I love all laying in my bed or anyones bed and talking about everything and I absolutely love our outta control dance parties, its the best :)


The rain wont stop raining. And its fun sometimes for a little bit but I miss the sunshine and I wanna go for a run outside and I dont wanna go for a run in the rain. Im so glad it was sunny yesterday in San Fran.  But I want it to be sunny here, hopefully it comes out by the end of the week. In the mean time we better go puddle jumping and dance in the rain and get drenched :)


Oops I highlighted it and cant get rid of it...sorry

no end to the adventures

Ever since I went to RYLA i have gotten a quote in my email everyday from the Foundation for a Better Life, this super cool organization.  Sometimes they are awesome, other times they are kinda average.  I started today reading this one
"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open"


What a wonderful freaking way to start my day. Its so true, so incredibly true. Last night I couldn't sleep so I searched for some adventures.  I opened google maps, typed in the schools address and explored the map, then I chose a park and went for a run to it today.  It was awesome, I just ran, through these streets that I don't know at all and took it all in, the smells, the sounds, all the sights and then stopped at the park and took some more in.  I saw big fancy houses, and small houses, I saw squirrels and birds and bugs and lots of different people and at the park I just sat in the grass and watched the people enjoy the park.  The kiddos playing and totally loving it, the little boys teaching each other to tackle, the toddlers waddling around exploring all that this big cool world has to offer them.  I smelled the grass and the trees and the fresh(ish) air and felt the sun and wind on my shoulders and just explored, in the most simple form.  So I decided, I will start looking for different places to run to every time I go for a run and explore the places around me that way, while enjoying the outdoors and getting my daily dose of stress relieving exercise. Perfect :)


And this weekend is a three day weekend. Scotty is coming. And I have spread my need for adventure and exploration to Hayley and some other antsy people on the floor. So we are gonna play and explore and its gonna be fantastic.


Its true, there is so much to explore and I dont even need a car or any money, I have so much right around me to explore. And when the opportunity arises to go a little further Im gonna take it but finding a little way to explore all on my own made me a little less antsy. And I am so freaking excited for this weekend. So much to feel. And see and live and be and love. Its wonderful :)

inspiration, bucket list, feeling, being, breathing, LIVING

Mei posted a new blog today. Im guilty of checking that thing on a very regular basis, it inspires me, it makes me wanna be better, it makes me think about life and living and I absolutely love it.  Today, she talked about living with intention.  Breathing in every moment, letting happiness soothe her soul, looking for things and surrounding herself with things that make her better, stopping, looking, seeing, finding ways to make herself soar, letting herself be who she is, letting sadness in, caring a lot but not about the things she cant change. LIVING in every moment.  More often then not Mei puts my feelings into words that I could never create.  Im so in need to live and be and feel every second lately.  To breathe in the fresh Colorado air, and the different flavor of the California air, to go to the Ocean, to the Mountains, to surround myself with the people and ideas that make me better, to become more, to soar, to be so many things.  I have a cheesy post it on my desk that says "Hold onto the sunshine, every moment of every day, cause those are the things that make you soar" Mei makes my heart soar, I read her blog and I feel my heart getting bigger and my braining growing more curious and a need to live and learn and be and understand and go and dream and grow crawling inside me, waiting to get out. Its an amazing feeling that only dramatizes everything I have been feeling lately. I WANT TO BE, I want to explore and adventure and learn and grow and do all these things.  I wanna say it a million times cause the feeling is one like I have never known before, one that fills my thoughts minute after minute and makes every experience greater because I feel so alive and I only want everyday to feel more alive, to soak up all the amazing opportunities that life has to offer me.  I hope I never loose that feeling, I hope that I always want to be more and grow more and see and feel and do.  And I hope that I can act on that feeling, always and forever.


In slew of Mei's inspiration, of my feeling, and of one freaking awesome friend who makes me laugh harder then I can explain, and who's emotions I feel and who can read my thoughts and makes me better I started a bucket list.  Hayley and Keely and I sat on the bed and talked about our dreams, compared notes, helped each other dream bigger.  Making a bucket list is amazing, and as I told Scotty, who cheers and spreads his love and passion for life to me like none other, it opened a can of worms, and my thoughts started to go crazy, and my dreams will now even be bigger and greater.  Some highlights from my bucket list.
Have a happy, healthy family
Study Abroad
Semester at Sea
Write A Book
Get all dressed up and stand in the rain and get drenched
Lay in the middle of the street and look at the stars
Buy my moms house
Relearn an instrument
Reread the Harry Potter books
Kiss on the top of a ferris wheel
Hike Mt.Elbert
Live with Ese
Live with Britt
Go to a Jimmy Buffett concert and a Jack Johnson concert
teach in a foreign country
volunteer in a 3rd world country
paint
travel...to so many places
be Head JC at Young RYLA
do a triathalon


the list goes on, and just rethinking about those puts so many more thoughts in my head. It reminds me of that song "I wanna do it all, visit Paris in the fall, watch the Yankees play ball, I wanna take it all in" Thats like a bucket list in a song, so freaking cool. Man I just have so many thoughts and wants and bah, Im just excited for everyday of life, to learn about all the things I can do and be and feel all the ways I can be alive.  I love it and am so lucky for so much life and so much love and so many dreams. Whats on your list?

to the end of the earth

I am the person that would go to the end of the earth for any one of my friends at any time.  I thrive off of being there for others, and knowing that when I need them they will be there for me.  I don't do confrontation when it comes to my own problems, I'll stay quiet and let people walk all over me forever before I will stick up for myself or create drama, I don't ever wanna be a burden on anyone.  But when it comes to my friends I will fight for them as much as I need to.  I cant leave people hanging alone to deal with life on their own, nobody should have to deal with life on their own even if they put themselves in a stupid position. We are human, we make mistakes, we feel things that we don't wanna feel and respond to those emotions in ways that may not be the most logical or beneficial.  Case in point, I will drop everything to help the people I care for be happy and healthy.
Last night I cleaned up puke, a flooded bathroom, held someones hair, chased after upset drunk ppl, and spent tons of time trying to make everyone feel better. And, I would do it again in a heart beat. But, it is a little bit hard to be the person who would do anything for other people, and to be surrounded by people who for whatever reason, see the world a little differently.  My mom taught me to care for people, to fend for myself, but to always be there for other people.  I am so glad I have that in me.  I wish more people had that.  The ability to watch out for themselves and other people.  Its like people come to college and after all these years of being watched out for they just go crazy and forget that I dunno, this is reality and too much alcohol means you'll be sick and making funky decisions leads to drama. I love my friends to death and I have no judgement and no frustration towards any of them. Its just a little scary.   Im happy Im the person taking care of not being taken care of.  Sometimes people say I do too much, maybe I should let people figure it out for themselves or they will rely on me too much and it will just be a cycle.  Maybe, but there is no piece of my heart that can watch someone i care about cry or puke or stare at the wall completely confused and say, you'll be ok, just figure it out. I called my mom, so after all the taking care of I could get a little love, and she was all worried about me always taking care of people, and ya it's not fun, but somebody has to do it, and its just in my nature.  So, hopefully people will slowly figure it out. And hopefully I wont have many more nights that are as insanely dramatic as last night, but I will keep taking care of people.  


On top of all that, Im feeling a little antsy.  First quarter it was fun to go out and meet people, this quarter I guess Im not that into it.  I wanna go do things that mean something and see places and broaden my mind.  Not really hang out with a bunch of drunkys.  I need to find someone or a group of someones who feel more that way.  My friends are into the party scene, not all of them but those of us who aren't so much into it kinda just tag along to ya know watch out for them.  I wanna go see things and enjoy myself and meet people and laugh and learn.  So, I'm on a mission to make better use of my Friday nights, and my Saturday nights, and really my free time.  Granted its college, every once in a while I wanna go out and meet people and enjoy that scene.  But, more often I wanna do something else that ends with knowing people better and laughing a lot and enjoying myself.  And i'll still just be a phone call away when the shit hits the fan.  I wanna adventure, oh man do I wanna adventure so bad.  

a feeling

This morning I had a little bit of a freak out moment, well it started last night and lasted through this morning. I was taking a psych class that was really doing me no good, trying to get into a spanish class and  needed a few options so I could drop Psych and in case I didnt get into spanish.  Its kinda late to add classes so their werent many options so I searched and searched in the mean time sitting in on spanish classes trying to get teachers to let me in.  Last night I finally had some options of classes to add and find out I had a hold on my account, I figured Id call in the morning and that let it off so i could add classes.  After calling a million times I found out to put it nicely I owed a lot of money. Id being telling my dad about the bill for months and it hadnt been paid.  A lot of money needed to be paid right then in order for any schedule changes to be made, my schedule must be almost final by tomorrow and one spot opened up in the spanish class this morning. Freaking out I called the troops (mom, dad, Jes) frantically and over and over again until we got a hold of dad.  I did and with a few different methods we got the late bill taken care of a i got into the spanish class PHEW. Do you feel like you ran a marathon? I sorda did.  Granted it all came together which was pretty lucky but it gave me some serious moments of frustration and I CANT RELY ON ANYONE feelings along with the regular um can I please have a money tree outside my window.  Money is  a crazy thing, its crazy how much of it is here, its crazy how much we dont have and its hard to have to rely on other people for it. Thats why i am in desperate need of a job, and a student loan in my name so I can take care of payments and it can be my responsibility. That way I can make them on time and if I dont its my own fault not someone else putting me in a bad position.  I learned that through life that I kinda could just fend for myself for the most part, college is a funny mix of fending for yourself and seriously needing some help in the financial realm, so we're figuring it out.


I also think (Im scared to even say this) that maybe Im figuring out this whole major thing, I havent quite got to the job part but Im feeling pretty good about Sociology and English. I was gonna take Psych to explore and see if I wanted to major in it, within the first two days I just felt pretty turned off by it. Honestly I think it has to do a little or maybe more with everything with my mom.  I dont really wanna think that deep into all that, or anyone else. I dont wanna mess up my kids by being the crazy psychologist. Plus...there is more.  Psych is for the most part a study of how the brain and person work from the inside out.  Sociology is a study of how people effect others and life effects people from the outside in.  That appeals to me more.  In life, my life very much so, there is a lot that is out of your control, things happen to good people, life happens, kids deal with things they should not have to, I wanna be the person that helps people deal with those things, I dont necesarilly wanna deal with all the sciency brain stuff and figure out why people are already messed up I wanna help them figure out the things that may potentially mess them up. Haha, Im pretty sensitive.  Seriously though, Im super into the sociology stuff right now, Im taking a Soc class about education and i just think its all cool.  So...we'll see where that goes. Also, i like english- writing, reading and it will let me teach, help me if i decide to go to law school or really any grad school.  Im scared to declare it, but Ive been thinking about this for a while and it seems to continue to be reinforced, so thats a good sign :)


I really like my classes this quarter.  Im interested to see how spanish goes, havent taken it since junior year so its gonna take a while to get back in the swing of but thats ok. I used to love spanish and im excited to see how it goes.  My ethics class is interesting, some of the ppl are gonna make my head hurt but thats a good thing and the professor seems good. My sociology class is called self, community and society and its about education and i think its really cool.  Like Im just super interested in it and the professor is really good and Im excited, plus every Wed I do two hours at this cool elementary school working with the kiddos, I love that.


Things are good, things seems to be good the majority of always :) and i like that. And I have this feeling and I like it a lot. This feeling where my heart smiles and i cant stop smiling and I look forward to a name in my phone. Its wonderful.

Things that make my heart smile

Well hello there, I'm back at the Clara and so happy to be here. with my girls and my family and the palm trees and green grass and classes that make my brain grow and my bed in the sunshine and so much more.  


So...StumbleUpon.com is this website where you check things that interest you and then it brings up all this crazy random cool things on the internet relative to your interests. It may be the best (or worst) time waster ever invented, but it brings you to some of the coolest things ever.  And its inspiring..it makes you think.  Here's a couple awesome things I found.

love it :) im not sure if the picture is showing up so just incase here is the link
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6THzy2/www.flickr.com/photos/stickypearls/2738613059/sizes/l/

and check this link out

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1T8ai0/www.eightprinciples.com/

so cute :) and very RYLA and very me and i just like it

if you have time to waste do it on stumbleupon, its so much cooler than boring facebook stalking, and instead of looking at the drama of someone elses life you can see things that are actually super cool and make you want to be better and explore more and live more :) i love that

another thing that makes my heart smile is Mei Ratz, and her freaking amazing words and photos and thoughts.  She inspires me maybe more than anyone else in the whole entire world.  Her head just makes so much sense and is so thoughtful and grateful and I just think she has an amazing way of looking at life.  Even if you dont know her you'll feel it. Check out her blog

eight30one.wordpress.com

its amazing

and FINALLY

my cousin Laurie is doing this happiness project thingy on her blog, and i like happiness things. every week there is some sorda prompt thing to remind you of the good in your life. this week its 5 reasons you love where you live...oh good old Swiggy Swig

1. there are people around ALL THE TIME and not just people, really super awesome people who i love dearly

2. I can wear flip flops all year round

3. There are sooo many opportunities to learn and grow

4. San Fran is an hour North, Santa Cruz an hour South, there is sooo much beauty and life and coolness so close to go out and explore, now we just gotta really do it.

5. My whole life ( ok no not really but all my everyday life) is within a ten minute span...my amazing bed in the sunshine, Maria's wonderful salads, the gym where all my thoughts can just be lost in a good run, the library where everything can be silent so i can learn, a million classrooms with a million new thoughts, so much diversity, soo much more :)

Lifes pretty cool I think. And im in this space where i just REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna learn and grow and adventure and soak everything up, and stumble upon random websites of thought and beauty and laughter and so much more.  I just wanna go and learn and LIVE :) and make my heart smile, or in the words of kelsey have more moments where I can "feel my heart" :)

Heres to 2010!

hello... HAPPY 2010! Or in Molly words the year of 200% :) 
I leave in the morning, its 1am we have to leave home at 7am and of course im not fully packed, but almost :). I cant believe its already time to go back. I cant believe its 2010. I cant believe a whole lotta the way life works. But thats why its wonderful


So 2010! Crazy. 2009 was a jammed packed year, with lots of big happenings and so much learning and growing and love and sunshine and just sooo much..
I turned 18, let go of something i had been holding onto for far too long, found a lot of new and exciting feelings, faced the biggest challenge of my life, and watched my mom turn around 360 degrees as I sat on the sidelines feeling it all and blown away at life, met so many great people, experienced the week that changed my life at Young RYLA and found a whole new family/way of life/ favorite thing in the universe,  Graduated high school,  Stressed for months about where I'd go to school and how I'd get there, Got into my dream school and miraculously found out I could actually come, started college, moved to a new state, and oh sooo much more. Holy wow.
ski team, soccer, crazy knee surgery, prom, graduation, x games, young ryla, provin grounds, ib tests, financial aid chaos, summer nights, stars, sunshine, an amazing support group, some of the biggest ups and downs ever and crazy emotions, best friends, oh man the list goes on.


it was by no means an easy year, but who the heck would I be if life came easy, i learned so much, i saw so much, i found a new faith in life and was reminded again and again that things happen for a reason and somehow life works out quite nicely.  
i havent really thought about this, but i really think this last year was a big growth year for me, a big year to figure out myself and the things that i can hold onto and the way i look at life.  i feel like i have things to live by and live for maybe more than ever. its been an amazing year. and i feel sooooo unbelievably fortunate to be where i am, loving life and learning so much with so much love and sunshine and adventure. i could go on for days.


and now its time for 2010, another year of so much new and learning and growing and fantasticness. oh boy, i cant even wait. i love just being excited for life, excited to see what happens, where it takes me, and how i have continued to grow by the end of the year. life is one wonderful, beautiful, amazing thing. I can only hope for lots more sunshine, love, adventure, learning, growing, seeing the world, laughing, giving and just living.  The best thing about life is we get to live it, every day every moment and we get to choose just how we do it. And I wanna do just that, live it, every moment, and soak it all up, cause there are so many great things out there to soak up :) oh boy


I'm going back to school tomorrow and I am way excited. Excited for my 2nd floor swig family who i love so dearly, more fun and laughing, new interesting classes to make me question and explore more, meeting new people, adventuring, scotty being near by, skiin in tahoe, oh boy so much. Its hard to leave the mountains, this absolutely beautiful place that i am so lucky to call home.  Leaving has reminded me so much how amazing it is, which makes it hard to leave but awesome knowing ill be back, and of course i will and it will be as beautiful as ever. Ill miss my mom near by all the time, i'll miss my friends and ill miss the comfort of home.  But as Kerry said you cant ever learn if you dont leave something behind. And its soo true, plus nothing is leaving forever. So Yayyyy


Here's 2010...a wonderful year of learning, dancing, growing, dreaming and so much more. And to second quarter of freshmen year full of all the same. :)