Oh my gosh. I planned and tried to blog and be normal and put together and thoughtful and inspirational and to make words of my thoughts that help me make sense of the world and that I will pass onto my kiddos this week. I planned to feel here in this little blog where i open my soul and learn more then i could learn out there in the real world.. but I JUST CANT DO IT! I AM SO DANG EXCITED I CANT EVEN CONTAIN MYSELF! I am off on my way to camp tomorrow afternoon. And boy do I have so much packing and planning and organizing and thinking and seeing to do before I even get to camp mode but boy am i on my way there. I have been doing little things, planning presentations, thinking about things that matter to me.. and I will continue to plan but to make the magic really happen you just gotta be there and fully immerse yourself in the camp and the kiddos who make your heart soar and suck the juice out of every minute and live it. Cause thats how the magic becomes so real and alive, when you feel it and spread it and see it in the smiles and tears and excitement and nerves of these amazing out of these world kiddos who just want a little fun and guidance and time to learn about themselves without the whole big scary world buggin em.
Remind me again how I got so freakin lucky?!?! I cant even begin to put into words the amazing feelings that come out of this week. 8th graders are really really awesome and smart and cool and out of this world and have SO much to teach you. And i learn more this week then most of the rest of my life combined. And feel more. And love more and just have my passion ignited so much and I absolutely love it. I love watching them succeed and watching them fail and then talk about it and come up with creative ways to be better and probably more than anything else I love watching them bond and learn about each other and realize they are not alone. Cause 8th grade.. just like the rest of life is scary and boy do you need that support group. Thats the best part about RYLA! :) Oh man am I so so so out of this world excited. I seriously cant contain myself. I dont think Im going to be able to sleep tonight.. or work tomorrow. Oh boy.. I'm gonna have to call in excited!
Also.. I get to talk about passion. And tell my story of passion and why the word passion is important to me. And I am so excited about that. Passionate about passion and all that it does for your life. And how I learned about passion and how it became so important to my life and how it fuels my soul. And boy does it fuel my soul :) Faith and passion. I feel like those are what make life go for me when there isnt much to hold onto. And they came in that order too. Just faith in life and passion for life. I love it :)
And in the spirit of all this I just read a blog about this
"What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
I plan to...
~go to Young RYLA and have my life changed and spread this love for life
~ continue the RYLA journey for the rest of my life
~ spend quality time with my best friends
~ never loose my love for adventuring and learning and growing
~ laugh til my stomach hurts
~ cry when I need to cry
~ take in the views
~ breathe
~ have a family
~ learn so much
~ help people
~ love with everything I have
~ suck every last bit of juice out of life
~ study abroad
~ take risks
~ get hurt and find my way back to life
~ get to know myself better than anyone else
~ play
~ hang out with kiddos forever.. they see life how it should be
~ explore
~ live abroad
~ smile oh so much
there is so much more. but i like that. and i have so many things i wanna do. and so many thoughts going absolutely insane in my head. but i need to go to bed. hopefully ill write once more before camp but i kinda doubt it. so enjoy the week. i know i will be. ill send ryla vibes and be back soon with sooo much to write about. and no energy or time to do it. but ill try real hard :)
heres to my most favorite week of the year. to changing lives and having mine changed. to sharing love and passion and life. to learning to playing to feeling. heres to life... man its good! <3
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
excited :)
hello there :)
i have the house to myself tonight...my mama has a big test tomorrow morning in denver so she went down tonight. and im sitting here drinking tea cozied up with my fleece blanky... kinda boring but also kinda wonderful :) earlier today i was in a funk...it was a couple day long funk. told zachy i was having a mid summer crisis ;) sometimes to unfunk i just gotta feel it and be annoyed and frustrated and bored and confused and torn.. and usually once i feel it and write and distract myself a little then im fine. and chamomile tea, yoga pants and my super soft blanket usually make me feel pretty good about life. i have so much to write about..sometimes i like to just not think too hard and let it be, but then my head gets kinda clogged up, thats probably the reason for the funk.
first of all, RYLA NORTH AMERICA.. i should of wrote about this a long time ago, but I was exhausted and busy and working and just never got to it. of course.
but.. it was absolutely amazing out of this world. and over and over and over again i just feel so out of this world lucky to be a part of all that rotary has allowed me to be a part of.. and to have RYLA guide my life and continue to teach and inspire and expose me to so much life and passion and opportunity. This was just that, another so wonderful experience that ignited my passion for life all over again and exposed me to so much that made me excited to live and give and do and pass the RYLA on forever and for always. I met so many amazing people who are doing such great things with their life and was totally encouraged all over again about my sociology major that so many people look down upon. We explored D.C. and danced and laughed and learned so much about each other in such a short time and held onto the time we had in a room full of people who are passionate and have so much to give. Im so excited to take all that I have learned with me through the rest of my life. and to give to someone else all that Rotary has given to me. And I am so in love with the fact that my RYLA journey will not end and will be a life long journey of giving and learning and passion and amazing experiences... it is one amazing organization and I am just so dang lucky to be a part of it. Life is incredibly good to me :)
Speaking of good to me... I am feeling incredibly torn between here and school lately. Not like it matters.. I mean Im here til I go back and then Im there. But... Im absolutely loving the mountains.. hopping on my bike and just being out in the beautifulness and being able to hike and run and just be outside. Having these amazing views and skies surround me all day everyday. And I love being close to all of these amazing friends I have. And then my heart is still at the Clara.. i miss that place, I miss the learning and growing and doing, I miss my friends and living on my own.. having life be on my terms. I just have the best of both worlds.. but its weird how much I love both.
And then there are times when I want nothing more than to get the heck out of here... but really I love it. And I wonder how I will ever live anywhere else in the summer. Its starting to freak me out that this might be the last one here.. the summers are just so perfect and full of things to do outside.. I cant imagine living somewhere hot and cityish in the summer when your supposed to play outside and sit on rocks by lakes and talk about life and watch the stars. Hmm.. we'll see where life takes me, but there are such great things about this place that I am really learning to love this summer.
I've been thinking a lot about what Im gonna do with my life lately. Kind of.. more just about all these things I want to do and can do and am going to do. First of all.. Im thinking of adding an international business minor. So it'd be sociology and community kid thingy majors plus that minor. I dunno if its possible but if it is I really like the idea of it. I think that international relations are really interesting (even more so after RYLA NA) and we dont have just an international relations program. I also think that business skills are useful.. no matter what your doing in your life. And the mix of all those things could be really really awesome. We talked a lot about doing lots of different things through out your life and eventually them all coming together.. and its starting to connect for me, I have faith that I am gonna find something I love and am gonna do something that matters. And that life is all gonna work out just fine even though Im not going to school to make money :) and that is extremely comforting. Im excited to go back to school and put this all back into life.. to learn and to be so excited about it all. Im excited for next summer and studying abroad and forever. I dont feel like Im running out of time I feel like I have so much time and so many amazing things to do with that time. Im just so so excited :) its wonderful
Young RYLA starts in a week and I couldnt be more excited. Its such an important part of my life and I am so ready to go back and to share all of these feelings with my kiddos and learn so much from them and the other amazing counselors. To build relationships and feel it all to the max. To laugh and to cry with these kids who dont know anything more than what they are stuck with at home, to watch them learn about themselves and build a network of support, to become confident, inspired and ready to go home and face the world. I cant wait.. its gonna be out of this world.
K im off to bed.. glad I finally got some thoughts out, always more..Ill try to be better.
XOXOX
i have the house to myself tonight...my mama has a big test tomorrow morning in denver so she went down tonight. and im sitting here drinking tea cozied up with my fleece blanky... kinda boring but also kinda wonderful :) earlier today i was in a funk...it was a couple day long funk. told zachy i was having a mid summer crisis ;) sometimes to unfunk i just gotta feel it and be annoyed and frustrated and bored and confused and torn.. and usually once i feel it and write and distract myself a little then im fine. and chamomile tea, yoga pants and my super soft blanket usually make me feel pretty good about life. i have so much to write about..sometimes i like to just not think too hard and let it be, but then my head gets kinda clogged up, thats probably the reason for the funk.
first of all, RYLA NORTH AMERICA.. i should of wrote about this a long time ago, but I was exhausted and busy and working and just never got to it. of course.
but.. it was absolutely amazing out of this world. and over and over and over again i just feel so out of this world lucky to be a part of all that rotary has allowed me to be a part of.. and to have RYLA guide my life and continue to teach and inspire and expose me to so much life and passion and opportunity. This was just that, another so wonderful experience that ignited my passion for life all over again and exposed me to so much that made me excited to live and give and do and pass the RYLA on forever and for always. I met so many amazing people who are doing such great things with their life and was totally encouraged all over again about my sociology major that so many people look down upon. We explored D.C. and danced and laughed and learned so much about each other in such a short time and held onto the time we had in a room full of people who are passionate and have so much to give. Im so excited to take all that I have learned with me through the rest of my life. and to give to someone else all that Rotary has given to me. And I am so in love with the fact that my RYLA journey will not end and will be a life long journey of giving and learning and passion and amazing experiences... it is one amazing organization and I am just so dang lucky to be a part of it. Life is incredibly good to me :)
Speaking of good to me... I am feeling incredibly torn between here and school lately. Not like it matters.. I mean Im here til I go back and then Im there. But... Im absolutely loving the mountains.. hopping on my bike and just being out in the beautifulness and being able to hike and run and just be outside. Having these amazing views and skies surround me all day everyday. And I love being close to all of these amazing friends I have. And then my heart is still at the Clara.. i miss that place, I miss the learning and growing and doing, I miss my friends and living on my own.. having life be on my terms. I just have the best of both worlds.. but its weird how much I love both.
And then there are times when I want nothing more than to get the heck out of here... but really I love it. And I wonder how I will ever live anywhere else in the summer. Its starting to freak me out that this might be the last one here.. the summers are just so perfect and full of things to do outside.. I cant imagine living somewhere hot and cityish in the summer when your supposed to play outside and sit on rocks by lakes and talk about life and watch the stars. Hmm.. we'll see where life takes me, but there are such great things about this place that I am really learning to love this summer.
I've been thinking a lot about what Im gonna do with my life lately. Kind of.. more just about all these things I want to do and can do and am going to do. First of all.. Im thinking of adding an international business minor. So it'd be sociology and community kid thingy majors plus that minor. I dunno if its possible but if it is I really like the idea of it. I think that international relations are really interesting (even more so after RYLA NA) and we dont have just an international relations program. I also think that business skills are useful.. no matter what your doing in your life. And the mix of all those things could be really really awesome. We talked a lot about doing lots of different things through out your life and eventually them all coming together.. and its starting to connect for me, I have faith that I am gonna find something I love and am gonna do something that matters. And that life is all gonna work out just fine even though Im not going to school to make money :) and that is extremely comforting. Im excited to go back to school and put this all back into life.. to learn and to be so excited about it all. Im excited for next summer and studying abroad and forever. I dont feel like Im running out of time I feel like I have so much time and so many amazing things to do with that time. Im just so so excited :) its wonderful
Young RYLA starts in a week and I couldnt be more excited. Its such an important part of my life and I am so ready to go back and to share all of these feelings with my kiddos and learn so much from them and the other amazing counselors. To build relationships and feel it all to the max. To laugh and to cry with these kids who dont know anything more than what they are stuck with at home, to watch them learn about themselves and build a network of support, to become confident, inspired and ready to go home and face the world. I cant wait.. its gonna be out of this world.
K im off to bed.. glad I finally got some thoughts out, always more..Ill try to be better.
XOXOX
Monday, July 19, 2010
thirst for life
its late and i have to get up early for work tomorrow.
for the last week 6 days i have only had one night of more than three hours of sleep.
and every moment has been filled to the brim with learning and living and sucking the juice out of this amazing thing we call life.
i will come back with more details but RYLA North America was absolutely out of this world. So much learning, passion, growth, inspiration, laughter, goosebumps, ideas, excitement
So much life.
I came home and went on and on and on to Kelsey about all that I learned, about how blessed we are to be alive about how much the world is holding its hand opens to us full of opportunities helping us find our way to each and everything. How inspiring people are, how important relationships and exploring and loving and learning and DOING are.
Rotary has so many amazing opportunities and i feel so fortunate to have come across it and have already had my life changed by this amazing organization as much as i have. And I really truly feel like all the ups and downs of life are so worth it for where I am not and how wonderfully life treats me. I have an amazing amazing world and I just want to forever keep loving it and being passionate and having this thirst for life and adventure and so much more.
My eyes are so heavy and I have to get some sleep but I will be back soon with details and so many thoughts on so many things.
This life is amazing, go find your passion, go suck the juice of all that there is to offer, inspire someone, feel it, love it, explore... go live, its the most amazing gift you will ever recieve
for the last week 6 days i have only had one night of more than three hours of sleep.
and every moment has been filled to the brim with learning and living and sucking the juice out of this amazing thing we call life.
i will come back with more details but RYLA North America was absolutely out of this world. So much learning, passion, growth, inspiration, laughter, goosebumps, ideas, excitement
So much life.
I came home and went on and on and on to Kelsey about all that I learned, about how blessed we are to be alive about how much the world is holding its hand opens to us full of opportunities helping us find our way to each and everything. How inspiring people are, how important relationships and exploring and loving and learning and DOING are.
Rotary has so many amazing opportunities and i feel so fortunate to have come across it and have already had my life changed by this amazing organization as much as i have. And I really truly feel like all the ups and downs of life are so worth it for where I am not and how wonderfully life treats me. I have an amazing amazing world and I just want to forever keep loving it and being passionate and having this thirst for life and adventure and so much more.
My eyes are so heavy and I have to get some sleep but I will be back soon with details and so many thoughts on so many things.
This life is amazing, go find your passion, go suck the juice of all that there is to offer, inspire someone, feel it, love it, explore... go live, its the most amazing gift you will ever recieve
Monday, July 12, 2010
hello.. happy july 12... JULY 12th...where the hell does the time go.
I have loads of thoughts today. About life and love and relationships and living and home and so much more.
To start...life and love...and the loss of something so so special. Wednesday July 7th was a hard day on the hearts of so many people around me. Two very very special lives were lost. One very early in the morning to a 7 week battle with meningitis and the other late in the evening in a tragic murder ending a 4 year battle with an obsessive stalker. Although I cannot say that I knew either of these people extremely well, I knew of them. I knew of them as amazing, loving, caring people. I heard stories of John with the girls and my best friend and laughing and being so much support. I remember Vonnie's smiling face welcoming me into her home and feeling so cared for just in the short time. I have heard person after person speak of how loving, caring and giving she was, and will always be. And my heart hurts for the loss of these amazing people, for the loved ones who now have to feel the pain and navigate life from a whole new lens. My heart hurts for those who have lost someone to love, laugh with, hold them up and guide them through this crazy amazing and scary life.
Yet, my heart soars at the support I have seen pour out to these loved ones for both families. Last night I stood on the packed court house lawn listening to stories about Vonnies life, taking a moment of silence for this tragic loss, and holding back the tears from my hurting heart for her family and close friends. I have seen love pour out to the close friends and family of Johnny and heard amazing words of wisdom and understanding that have come out of this.
As scary as it all is, as much as it reminds me of the constant battles we face, at the same time it reminds me of the support we have, the ability we as humans have to hold each other up, to learn from the hardest things, to become wise and understanding, to love, to learn and more importantly than anything else in the world, to live.
It reminds me that nothing is ever for sure, and that this moment is my only guarantee. To enjoy every second. To reach out to the people that mean the most to me and be sure that they know how much they mean to me. It reminds me of the amazing support group that makes up this town...it is unique, so very unique. There is a lot of love in this world. So many scary things yet so much love to help us through those, somehow, even though at times it seems like we cant go any further, it seems there is always someone, somewhere to push us that extra step. And forever and always my heart goes out to those who are feeling the pain of the loss so deep, you are special, you are strong, you are loved and there is something to hold onto, somewhere. I hope Vonnie and Johnny you are with Eric, and things are a little less complicated up there!
All of the rest of my thoughts seem a little less important after that, but they are all relative. Life is a crazy thing. A roller coaster of emotions and ups and downs and loosing and winning. Of falling and getting back up and jumping for joy. Of learning and growing. And Im doing all of that. I have had so many moments of gratitude and joy this summer... to be hiking with Liv, lounging with Molly, laughing so hard it hurts, making money, spending time outside, so many things. This place is amazing. And I have moments that I feel like Im doing it just right, and I have moments that I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to rainbows and butterflies and answers. And there are times in my life when those moments where I felt unsure of myself and my decisions and the people I let into my life have really bogged me down, have hurt to the core and been so tragic to my well being. And today I cant say those moments are no more, or really ever will be, but I think Im learning to feel them differently. Im a strong proponent of feeling, of being human, of making mistakes and crying and laughing and following your heart and wondering why you followed it...I think its important, its part of life and living and taking risks and growing. But I am also learning that you have to learn to feel just the right amount. And to find ways to keep things that are far from tragic from seeming tragic. You have to learn to laugh about it and shrug your shoulders and in a weird way move on. I still have a hard time with that..moving on, letting go, forgetting...and I dont ever wanna do too much of that, but Im trying to find the balance. Im tellin ya, Im all about the balance these days :)
Finally, some thoughts on home. Cause it seems for quite some time, years ahead of me, the idea of home will forever be something changing and growing and as far from stagnant as possible. There are things here that drive me up the wall. The mess of this house that I will continue to clean up, the frustrations with my mom, the reminders of what used to be, the boredom...and there are things about this place that make my heart soar so high above the stars that all those little things just float away with my heart. The comfort of Eric's pictures on the wall, pottery dishes I made when I was 8 still in the cabinet, couches where so much life happened, a queen size bed where i sleep like a baby, this huge back yard to play with Talus in, everything outside, the stars, the coffee shop and so much more. I miss school, every day, I miss things about that being home, and it is, it was, it will be for three more years...but this right here baby, this is home in its best definition. I imagine everyones homes being so different, so unique, so impossible to imagine until you have experienced them. The dynamics of the people who live in the homes, the way they are set up, the "stuff" they are filled with, the way they are taken care of and the living that geos on. All different and special and for that reason home like no where else in the world. Im trying to enjoy it, I really am, and trying not to fall into all that this used to be but instead holding onto all that I have learned and trying to let the amazingness out do the not so amazingness. I think about what my next home home will be. The one where my kids grow up and come back to and still feel so connected to... I hope that that one will be out of this world....
I played hard this weekend...and in turn got too little sleep, was burnt out all day yesterday at work but woke up before my alarm and had a realization that in two days i was outta here. Like i said its easy to fall into the habit, the routine, the boredom that makes being home this summer, and all of a sudden I realized Im going to DC for 5 days for RYLA North America and IM SO EXCITED! I think it was about perfect timing I was really looking for a break. I cant wait to meet new people and learn so much and feel my heart flutter for RYLA magic and inspiration and making life go for so many people who face constant battles.
I hung with T most of today and was reminded of the simplicites of life. His friend says "If he doesnt be nice to me Im not gonna marry him" DUH SIMPLE! And Talus notices the most random things, that I would never see or ask about, and he asks and wonders and looks and it is awesome. And his little laugh is about the best thing that could ever happen to me. And marbles and ice cream and time on the tramp make his day out of this world. Its awesome. He sat on my bed tonight and said "um I think your house is going to explode" dunno where that came from but had me laughing for quite sometime. whata kid... he reminds me again and again why i love them so damn much. they just rock the world.
ok...my eyes are fighting to stay open and i have got to finish some packing, im outta here early in the morning and hoping to get a lot done tomorrow. still thinking of the families and sending all the love I can muster. And of the importance of living and loving and feeling and dancing and dreaming and growing.
I have loads of thoughts today. About life and love and relationships and living and home and so much more.
To start...life and love...and the loss of something so so special. Wednesday July 7th was a hard day on the hearts of so many people around me. Two very very special lives were lost. One very early in the morning to a 7 week battle with meningitis and the other late in the evening in a tragic murder ending a 4 year battle with an obsessive stalker. Although I cannot say that I knew either of these people extremely well, I knew of them. I knew of them as amazing, loving, caring people. I heard stories of John with the girls and my best friend and laughing and being so much support. I remember Vonnie's smiling face welcoming me into her home and feeling so cared for just in the short time. I have heard person after person speak of how loving, caring and giving she was, and will always be. And my heart hurts for the loss of these amazing people, for the loved ones who now have to feel the pain and navigate life from a whole new lens. My heart hurts for those who have lost someone to love, laugh with, hold them up and guide them through this crazy amazing and scary life.
Yet, my heart soars at the support I have seen pour out to these loved ones for both families. Last night I stood on the packed court house lawn listening to stories about Vonnies life, taking a moment of silence for this tragic loss, and holding back the tears from my hurting heart for her family and close friends. I have seen love pour out to the close friends and family of Johnny and heard amazing words of wisdom and understanding that have come out of this.
As scary as it all is, as much as it reminds me of the constant battles we face, at the same time it reminds me of the support we have, the ability we as humans have to hold each other up, to learn from the hardest things, to become wise and understanding, to love, to learn and more importantly than anything else in the world, to live.
It reminds me that nothing is ever for sure, and that this moment is my only guarantee. To enjoy every second. To reach out to the people that mean the most to me and be sure that they know how much they mean to me. It reminds me of the amazing support group that makes up this town...it is unique, so very unique. There is a lot of love in this world. So many scary things yet so much love to help us through those, somehow, even though at times it seems like we cant go any further, it seems there is always someone, somewhere to push us that extra step. And forever and always my heart goes out to those who are feeling the pain of the loss so deep, you are special, you are strong, you are loved and there is something to hold onto, somewhere. I hope Vonnie and Johnny you are with Eric, and things are a little less complicated up there!
All of the rest of my thoughts seem a little less important after that, but they are all relative. Life is a crazy thing. A roller coaster of emotions and ups and downs and loosing and winning. Of falling and getting back up and jumping for joy. Of learning and growing. And Im doing all of that. I have had so many moments of gratitude and joy this summer... to be hiking with Liv, lounging with Molly, laughing so hard it hurts, making money, spending time outside, so many things. This place is amazing. And I have moments that I feel like Im doing it just right, and I have moments that I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to rainbows and butterflies and answers. And there are times in my life when those moments where I felt unsure of myself and my decisions and the people I let into my life have really bogged me down, have hurt to the core and been so tragic to my well being. And today I cant say those moments are no more, or really ever will be, but I think Im learning to feel them differently. Im a strong proponent of feeling, of being human, of making mistakes and crying and laughing and following your heart and wondering why you followed it...I think its important, its part of life and living and taking risks and growing. But I am also learning that you have to learn to feel just the right amount. And to find ways to keep things that are far from tragic from seeming tragic. You have to learn to laugh about it and shrug your shoulders and in a weird way move on. I still have a hard time with that..moving on, letting go, forgetting...and I dont ever wanna do too much of that, but Im trying to find the balance. Im tellin ya, Im all about the balance these days :)
Finally, some thoughts on home. Cause it seems for quite some time, years ahead of me, the idea of home will forever be something changing and growing and as far from stagnant as possible. There are things here that drive me up the wall. The mess of this house that I will continue to clean up, the frustrations with my mom, the reminders of what used to be, the boredom...and there are things about this place that make my heart soar so high above the stars that all those little things just float away with my heart. The comfort of Eric's pictures on the wall, pottery dishes I made when I was 8 still in the cabinet, couches where so much life happened, a queen size bed where i sleep like a baby, this huge back yard to play with Talus in, everything outside, the stars, the coffee shop and so much more. I miss school, every day, I miss things about that being home, and it is, it was, it will be for three more years...but this right here baby, this is home in its best definition. I imagine everyones homes being so different, so unique, so impossible to imagine until you have experienced them. The dynamics of the people who live in the homes, the way they are set up, the "stuff" they are filled with, the way they are taken care of and the living that geos on. All different and special and for that reason home like no where else in the world. Im trying to enjoy it, I really am, and trying not to fall into all that this used to be but instead holding onto all that I have learned and trying to let the amazingness out do the not so amazingness. I think about what my next home home will be. The one where my kids grow up and come back to and still feel so connected to... I hope that that one will be out of this world....
I played hard this weekend...and in turn got too little sleep, was burnt out all day yesterday at work but woke up before my alarm and had a realization that in two days i was outta here. Like i said its easy to fall into the habit, the routine, the boredom that makes being home this summer, and all of a sudden I realized Im going to DC for 5 days for RYLA North America and IM SO EXCITED! I think it was about perfect timing I was really looking for a break. I cant wait to meet new people and learn so much and feel my heart flutter for RYLA magic and inspiration and making life go for so many people who face constant battles.
I hung with T most of today and was reminded of the simplicites of life. His friend says "If he doesnt be nice to me Im not gonna marry him" DUH SIMPLE! And Talus notices the most random things, that I would never see or ask about, and he asks and wonders and looks and it is awesome. And his little laugh is about the best thing that could ever happen to me. And marbles and ice cream and time on the tramp make his day out of this world. Its awesome. He sat on my bed tonight and said "um I think your house is going to explode" dunno where that came from but had me laughing for quite sometime. whata kid... he reminds me again and again why i love them so damn much. they just rock the world.
ok...my eyes are fighting to stay open and i have got to finish some packing, im outta here early in the morning and hoping to get a lot done tomorrow. still thinking of the families and sending all the love I can muster. And of the importance of living and loving and feeling and dancing and dreaming and growing.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
balancing the reality and the fantasy
hellooo...its been a while.
today i worked for 12 hours and than babysat an awesome little man for a while. i came home and felt too much...drove and drove to get some me space, let the tears fall and called kels to vent. this life is crazy one. and its awesome and even though it sounds backwards most days im totally caught up in the wonderful. In the time Im getting to play outside, the biking, hiking, running with the most beautiful backdrop that is right at my finger tips, in the time with catie picking up right where we left off, in the fireworks, nights on the couch or in the hot tub with zachy, sleeping in my own bed, makin money, in the little wonderful things that make up life.
and then on somedays reality slaps me in the face again. i used to live so many days in this world. in the one that made me cry and infuriated me and made me wanna run away. in the world where i could never understand why, where people seemed so unaware, where it all seemed so disconnected. in the world where i wished things were different and better and waited to get out. for years i spent so much time there.
but this year i learned to spend all my time in my new reality. the one that makes me go and fuels my soul and where i want to adventure and grow and play and meet new people and learn and never stop living every second in love with this life and the amazing people in it. at school that was my world. and this reality of confusion was here when i called or they called, when i found time to deal with it, but for the most part i was able to be in the place i waited to run away too. i was able to live life on my terms, holding onto the new amazing people, pondering life, sharing and feeling what i wanted to when i felt like it, filling my mind with new things, new people, new places, and living in this little oasis that was all mine. an enclosed manicured land where people couldn't come throw off my balance, where money could be forgotten, where there was an entire campus of people to lean on and never a minute of feeling alone, where the most important thing was me and i wasn't worrying about them every minute of everyday, where i felt wanted and welcome and like it was mine, mine to flourish in, to soak up every second of, mine to love and enjoy and learn and grow from with no interruptions. an oasis where i spent hours every week in places with people who had it worse than i could ever imagine, giving back and being reminded how wonderful my world is, where i could swim and walk through this beautiful campus and never was able to forget how lucky i am. where all the craziness and pain and confusion and scariness that used to be reality seemed worth it cause i had gotten to this amazing amazing out of this world place.
And now Im home. Trying to hold onto the loving every minute but back in the reality of the confusion. Going away for a year is a weird thing. Cause you feel so refreshed and like you have learned and grown and changed so much...but home hasn't really changed. And there is a lot of the same old to deal with here. And as much as I try to get caught up in the amazingness of it all, cause really there is so so so much, sometimes I have to deal with the reality. And sometimes it has to blow up to remind me that I cant just get lost in a world of wonderfulness when there is still things to deal with here. Things and people that matter, that could use a little bit of the love for life that I have learned, who maybe can hear what I have to say, things that I have to say that I should say. It all goes back to the whole protecting thing. As much as I need to enjoy every minute of all this there are always things that are important to be said and felt and dealt with. And being home trying to mix the two realities is a whole new thing. And there are days I get lost in either one and forget about the other....and days where they intertwine and days where I just plain wanna run away.
On the way home from Toy Story Zachy and I had one of our amazing car ride conversations. We talked about balance. Between having fun and being crazy young people and taking care of yourself. Between people's ability to be destructive and also hold each other up. I think its all about balance. About loving life and enjoying the small things but not forgetting the big things and the challenging things that will never get better if you dont ever let them get to you. We are human, things have to get to us. We have to feel and laugh and cry and love and be pissed and dramatic and immature, and then let the people who matter pick us back up, and find the little wonderful things that fuel our souls and balance out all the challenging things. Its all about being a whole person, about nourishing every part of our lives. The fantasy amazing out of this world parts and the parts that hurt deep and never seem to make sense. Its about holding onto whats important and also learning to let go a little. Its about spending time with the people you love and taking care of you. About being in touch with your roots and exploring the world. Being sure of your opinions but open to what other people have to say. Its about laughing and crying and everything in between. Its about being human... happy and sad and flawed and out of this world. About having thoughts bouncing through your head, about wanting to do so much, about missing the people you love, about wanting something more.....its all about balance.
And the little blow up that has been the last two days has reminded me that this is all real. This is all my life...the amazing and the hard. And as much as sometimes I want to leave it all behind and forget, I'm glad I have a little bit (or a lot) of both, cause whats happy without the sad, and easy without the hard, and new without the old. Seriously. So....I am reminded to find balance. To deal with them and take care of me. To say what I feel is important but not let things that dont matter or that I cannot control bog me down. To love life and play outside and spend time with friends, but work on the things that I know can be better.
Cause through the chaos and ups and downs and amazing moments and killer ones....there is so much to hold us up, and so much human ability to make things better and to love and give and learn and make one amazing life.
Heres to balance, and love....the one thing that holds it all together.
today i worked for 12 hours and than babysat an awesome little man for a while. i came home and felt too much...drove and drove to get some me space, let the tears fall and called kels to vent. this life is crazy one. and its awesome and even though it sounds backwards most days im totally caught up in the wonderful. In the time Im getting to play outside, the biking, hiking, running with the most beautiful backdrop that is right at my finger tips, in the time with catie picking up right where we left off, in the fireworks, nights on the couch or in the hot tub with zachy, sleeping in my own bed, makin money, in the little wonderful things that make up life.
and then on somedays reality slaps me in the face again. i used to live so many days in this world. in the one that made me cry and infuriated me and made me wanna run away. in the world where i could never understand why, where people seemed so unaware, where it all seemed so disconnected. in the world where i wished things were different and better and waited to get out. for years i spent so much time there.
but this year i learned to spend all my time in my new reality. the one that makes me go and fuels my soul and where i want to adventure and grow and play and meet new people and learn and never stop living every second in love with this life and the amazing people in it. at school that was my world. and this reality of confusion was here when i called or they called, when i found time to deal with it, but for the most part i was able to be in the place i waited to run away too. i was able to live life on my terms, holding onto the new amazing people, pondering life, sharing and feeling what i wanted to when i felt like it, filling my mind with new things, new people, new places, and living in this little oasis that was all mine. an enclosed manicured land where people couldn't come throw off my balance, where money could be forgotten, where there was an entire campus of people to lean on and never a minute of feeling alone, where the most important thing was me and i wasn't worrying about them every minute of everyday, where i felt wanted and welcome and like it was mine, mine to flourish in, to soak up every second of, mine to love and enjoy and learn and grow from with no interruptions. an oasis where i spent hours every week in places with people who had it worse than i could ever imagine, giving back and being reminded how wonderful my world is, where i could swim and walk through this beautiful campus and never was able to forget how lucky i am. where all the craziness and pain and confusion and scariness that used to be reality seemed worth it cause i had gotten to this amazing amazing out of this world place.
And now Im home. Trying to hold onto the loving every minute but back in the reality of the confusion. Going away for a year is a weird thing. Cause you feel so refreshed and like you have learned and grown and changed so much...but home hasn't really changed. And there is a lot of the same old to deal with here. And as much as I try to get caught up in the amazingness of it all, cause really there is so so so much, sometimes I have to deal with the reality. And sometimes it has to blow up to remind me that I cant just get lost in a world of wonderfulness when there is still things to deal with here. Things and people that matter, that could use a little bit of the love for life that I have learned, who maybe can hear what I have to say, things that I have to say that I should say. It all goes back to the whole protecting thing. As much as I need to enjoy every minute of all this there are always things that are important to be said and felt and dealt with. And being home trying to mix the two realities is a whole new thing. And there are days I get lost in either one and forget about the other....and days where they intertwine and days where I just plain wanna run away.
On the way home from Toy Story Zachy and I had one of our amazing car ride conversations. We talked about balance. Between having fun and being crazy young people and taking care of yourself. Between people's ability to be destructive and also hold each other up. I think its all about balance. About loving life and enjoying the small things but not forgetting the big things and the challenging things that will never get better if you dont ever let them get to you. We are human, things have to get to us. We have to feel and laugh and cry and love and be pissed and dramatic and immature, and then let the people who matter pick us back up, and find the little wonderful things that fuel our souls and balance out all the challenging things. Its all about being a whole person, about nourishing every part of our lives. The fantasy amazing out of this world parts and the parts that hurt deep and never seem to make sense. Its about holding onto whats important and also learning to let go a little. Its about spending time with the people you love and taking care of you. About being in touch with your roots and exploring the world. Being sure of your opinions but open to what other people have to say. Its about laughing and crying and everything in between. Its about being human... happy and sad and flawed and out of this world. About having thoughts bouncing through your head, about wanting to do so much, about missing the people you love, about wanting something more.....its all about balance.
And the little blow up that has been the last two days has reminded me that this is all real. This is all my life...the amazing and the hard. And as much as sometimes I want to leave it all behind and forget, I'm glad I have a little bit (or a lot) of both, cause whats happy without the sad, and easy without the hard, and new without the old. Seriously. So....I am reminded to find balance. To deal with them and take care of me. To say what I feel is important but not let things that dont matter or that I cannot control bog me down. To love life and play outside and spend time with friends, but work on the things that I know can be better.
Cause through the chaos and ups and downs and amazing moments and killer ones....there is so much to hold us up, and so much human ability to make things better and to love and give and learn and make one amazing life.
Heres to balance, and love....the one thing that holds it all together.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
whole individuals and a whole family
so one of my summer projects is to go through all the pictures that are piled in boxes in the basement. i still dont know what im going to do with them but just try to organize them a little. this morning i decided to start...its kind of a scary project to start, daunting cause of how many unorganized pictures there are. so i went down stairs and grabbed a random box.
it started just random pictures of jes and i, a few here and there of eric, then i pulled out a folder. cards from the service, pictures of the service, newspapers articles before and after. thats the thing about this house. you never know what your gonna find, and more often than not in those boxes will be something that pings at your heart. sometimes i forget that its real. its just a story i've heard, something i feel, something we talk about and miss and a place we visit to celebrate a life we talk about. but they actually went through that. through him being born, spending week after week at the hospital, telling family, taking time off work, living in seattle for a summer. it actually was real. i love the pictures...i could look through pictures of them forever. A little family full of more love than anyone could ever know. But also, i'm an outsider looking in. I cant even wrap my mind around it. A whole family, dad playing with Eric and Jes, mom writing down all the bills, the days in the hospital, the blood counts, the insurance stuff....little Eric running around spreading love and joy and appreciation for life. And forever and always I will wish that I could have been there.
I found something Jesse wrote about him. About how he changed his life and taught him more than he would ever learn again, how he had to grow up fast and had this wise little boy to teach him. And all that has been passed to me in some form or another. But its hard not to wish we could just be a few young kids, playing, running home to mom and dad at the end of the day and all having dinner together. Thats such a distant thought, so far from reality, such a dream that I have had for as long as I can remember.
I hope that someday I can have that dream from the other end, that I can have littles playing together and have a whole family, and let my kids be young when they are young, and have ups and downs but do it together, and not have my kids look back at pictures and wonder how that family was ever one.
Its like they are different people in those pictures. Before they went through all the pain, before they were weathered, and tired, and had felt loss. Before they even had a clue how this life would turn out. And I do know those people, I see glimpse of them here and there, they love me and they've given me an amazing life. I see that mom on good days, when she talks about Eric, when I call her crying, when she's proud to watch me give a speech thanking people for a huge scholarship. I see that Dad when we ski and when we go to the lake, the few times I've caught him talking about Eric, when he gets to be outside, when he jokes with me, and I see the most of it in Jesse. Maybe he was young enough to hold onto all that and keep it all with him as he grew up. Maybe mom and dad gave me lots of what they were then. Maybe its in me, going places, seeing new things, finding peace at Eric's, playing outside and loving every minute of life.
Life is a crazy one. And every time I look through the pictures it feels a little different. I'm reminded that this all actually happened. And although I've just heard the stories and felt wanting to be there, they were there, they felt it all from the beginning to the end and today they still feel the loss everyday and miss that life that they know. Its like a different form of ignorance is bliss. That I cant quite explain but that I'm starting to understand, starting to understand how differently they felt it. Maybe someday we can bridge that gap of understanding or maybe we never will. And the bridge we will have is the four months that we were one family, that the three of us together brought them joy together, that we felt the pain together, that we sat in the living room or at the dinner table, a family of five with so much ahead of us.
We are lucky we really are. Its a lot to understand, a lot to feel, a lot to question. But we are all better for it, we learned so much from that boy. And maybe as I grow up and they grow up and we make sense of all this we can get closer, and I can try to understand what they feel, and be a little more sensitive and aware of how much they really did and do feel everyday. And maybe someday they can share those feelings with me. And maybe someday Jes's and I's families can be whole and can bring us all together as one family, a family who has felt the ups and downs together and loves each other and this life cause a little boy taught us how. Someday I hope each one of us can be whole as individuals and whole as a family, cause the pictures of that family look like a whole lotta love.
it started just random pictures of jes and i, a few here and there of eric, then i pulled out a folder. cards from the service, pictures of the service, newspapers articles before and after. thats the thing about this house. you never know what your gonna find, and more often than not in those boxes will be something that pings at your heart. sometimes i forget that its real. its just a story i've heard, something i feel, something we talk about and miss and a place we visit to celebrate a life we talk about. but they actually went through that. through him being born, spending week after week at the hospital, telling family, taking time off work, living in seattle for a summer. it actually was real. i love the pictures...i could look through pictures of them forever. A little family full of more love than anyone could ever know. But also, i'm an outsider looking in. I cant even wrap my mind around it. A whole family, dad playing with Eric and Jes, mom writing down all the bills, the days in the hospital, the blood counts, the insurance stuff....little Eric running around spreading love and joy and appreciation for life. And forever and always I will wish that I could have been there.
I found something Jesse wrote about him. About how he changed his life and taught him more than he would ever learn again, how he had to grow up fast and had this wise little boy to teach him. And all that has been passed to me in some form or another. But its hard not to wish we could just be a few young kids, playing, running home to mom and dad at the end of the day and all having dinner together. Thats such a distant thought, so far from reality, such a dream that I have had for as long as I can remember.
I hope that someday I can have that dream from the other end, that I can have littles playing together and have a whole family, and let my kids be young when they are young, and have ups and downs but do it together, and not have my kids look back at pictures and wonder how that family was ever one.
Its like they are different people in those pictures. Before they went through all the pain, before they were weathered, and tired, and had felt loss. Before they even had a clue how this life would turn out. And I do know those people, I see glimpse of them here and there, they love me and they've given me an amazing life. I see that mom on good days, when she talks about Eric, when I call her crying, when she's proud to watch me give a speech thanking people for a huge scholarship. I see that Dad when we ski and when we go to the lake, the few times I've caught him talking about Eric, when he gets to be outside, when he jokes with me, and I see the most of it in Jesse. Maybe he was young enough to hold onto all that and keep it all with him as he grew up. Maybe mom and dad gave me lots of what they were then. Maybe its in me, going places, seeing new things, finding peace at Eric's, playing outside and loving every minute of life.
Life is a crazy one. And every time I look through the pictures it feels a little different. I'm reminded that this all actually happened. And although I've just heard the stories and felt wanting to be there, they were there, they felt it all from the beginning to the end and today they still feel the loss everyday and miss that life that they know. Its like a different form of ignorance is bliss. That I cant quite explain but that I'm starting to understand, starting to understand how differently they felt it. Maybe someday we can bridge that gap of understanding or maybe we never will. And the bridge we will have is the four months that we were one family, that the three of us together brought them joy together, that we felt the pain together, that we sat in the living room or at the dinner table, a family of five with so much ahead of us.
We are lucky we really are. Its a lot to understand, a lot to feel, a lot to question. But we are all better for it, we learned so much from that boy. And maybe as I grow up and they grow up and we make sense of all this we can get closer, and I can try to understand what they feel, and be a little more sensitive and aware of how much they really did and do feel everyday. And maybe someday they can share those feelings with me. And maybe someday Jes's and I's families can be whole and can bring us all together as one family, a family who has felt the ups and downs together and loves each other and this life cause a little boy taught us how. Someday I hope each one of us can be whole as individuals and whole as a family, cause the pictures of that family look like a whole lotta love.
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