hellooo...its been a while.
today i worked for 12 hours and than babysat an awesome little man for a while. i came home and felt too much...drove and drove to get some me space, let the tears fall and called kels to vent. this life is crazy one. and its awesome and even though it sounds backwards most days im totally caught up in the wonderful. In the time Im getting to play outside, the biking, hiking, running with the most beautiful backdrop that is right at my finger tips, in the time with catie picking up right where we left off, in the fireworks, nights on the couch or in the hot tub with zachy, sleeping in my own bed, makin money, in the little wonderful things that make up life.
and then on somedays reality slaps me in the face again. i used to live so many days in this world. in the one that made me cry and infuriated me and made me wanna run away. in the world where i could never understand why, where people seemed so unaware, where it all seemed so disconnected. in the world where i wished things were different and better and waited to get out. for years i spent so much time there.
but this year i learned to spend all my time in my new reality. the one that makes me go and fuels my soul and where i want to adventure and grow and play and meet new people and learn and never stop living every second in love with this life and the amazing people in it. at school that was my world. and this reality of confusion was here when i called or they called, when i found time to deal with it, but for the most part i was able to be in the place i waited to run away too. i was able to live life on my terms, holding onto the new amazing people, pondering life, sharing and feeling what i wanted to when i felt like it, filling my mind with new things, new people, new places, and living in this little oasis that was all mine. an enclosed manicured land where people couldn't come throw off my balance, where money could be forgotten, where there was an entire campus of people to lean on and never a minute of feeling alone, where the most important thing was me and i wasn't worrying about them every minute of everyday, where i felt wanted and welcome and like it was mine, mine to flourish in, to soak up every second of, mine to love and enjoy and learn and grow from with no interruptions. an oasis where i spent hours every week in places with people who had it worse than i could ever imagine, giving back and being reminded how wonderful my world is, where i could swim and walk through this beautiful campus and never was able to forget how lucky i am. where all the craziness and pain and confusion and scariness that used to be reality seemed worth it cause i had gotten to this amazing amazing out of this world place.
And now Im home. Trying to hold onto the loving every minute but back in the reality of the confusion. Going away for a year is a weird thing. Cause you feel so refreshed and like you have learned and grown and changed so much...but home hasn't really changed. And there is a lot of the same old to deal with here. And as much as I try to get caught up in the amazingness of it all, cause really there is so so so much, sometimes I have to deal with the reality. And sometimes it has to blow up to remind me that I cant just get lost in a world of wonderfulness when there is still things to deal with here. Things and people that matter, that could use a little bit of the love for life that I have learned, who maybe can hear what I have to say, things that I have to say that I should say. It all goes back to the whole protecting thing. As much as I need to enjoy every minute of all this there are always things that are important to be said and felt and dealt with. And being home trying to mix the two realities is a whole new thing. And there are days I get lost in either one and forget about the other....and days where they intertwine and days where I just plain wanna run away.
On the way home from Toy Story Zachy and I had one of our amazing car ride conversations. We talked about balance. Between having fun and being crazy young people and taking care of yourself. Between people's ability to be destructive and also hold each other up. I think its all about balance. About loving life and enjoying the small things but not forgetting the big things and the challenging things that will never get better if you dont ever let them get to you. We are human, things have to get to us. We have to feel and laugh and cry and love and be pissed and dramatic and immature, and then let the people who matter pick us back up, and find the little wonderful things that fuel our souls and balance out all the challenging things. Its all about being a whole person, about nourishing every part of our lives. The fantasy amazing out of this world parts and the parts that hurt deep and never seem to make sense. Its about holding onto whats important and also learning to let go a little. Its about spending time with the people you love and taking care of you. About being in touch with your roots and exploring the world. Being sure of your opinions but open to what other people have to say. Its about laughing and crying and everything in between. Its about being human... happy and sad and flawed and out of this world. About having thoughts bouncing through your head, about wanting to do so much, about missing the people you love, about wanting something more.....its all about balance.
And the little blow up that has been the last two days has reminded me that this is all real. This is all my life...the amazing and the hard. And as much as sometimes I want to leave it all behind and forget, I'm glad I have a little bit (or a lot) of both, cause whats happy without the sad, and easy without the hard, and new without the old. Seriously. So....I am reminded to find balance. To deal with them and take care of me. To say what I feel is important but not let things that dont matter or that I cannot control bog me down. To love life and play outside and spend time with friends, but work on the things that I know can be better.
Cause through the chaos and ups and downs and amazing moments and killer ones....there is so much to hold us up, and so much human ability to make things better and to love and give and learn and make one amazing life.
Heres to balance, and love....the one thing that holds it all together.
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